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Sunday, September 05, 2004

The Secret Diaries

Imagine, if you can, that The Lord of the Rings were written by Helen Fielding, and Ms Fielding was a very, very gay man.

Went all the way to the Gap of Rohan only to find there is no Gap in Rohan. Not even a Banana Republic. False advertising! - Arwen Undomiel

Everything going from bad to worse. Stop-off in Bree resulted in pick-up of disaffected and unshaven human who is obviously pervy hobbit-fancier, not that anyone listens to me. Insisted we all share bed in his room instead of going back to own perfectly nice quarters, then hung about all night most likely hoping for mad hobbit foursome under the sheets. Didn't happen, but did have to spend all night hanging on to Pippin's belt to prevent him from climbing right over Sam and onto Frodo. Does Pippin have death wish, or what? - Meriadoc Brandybuck

Have crossed orcs with goblin men in caverns below Isengard. V. tedious experience as orcs and goblin men most reluctant to breed, even with dinner and flowers. Next time will try something easier, such as breeding goblins and cheerleaders to create super-perky army that can travel by day and will not complain about pink uniforms. - Saruman

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