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Friday, February 22, 2013

On the radio

I was on Brian Greenberg's Philadelphia radio show last night, where we talked all about McRapey, and how terribly persecuted I am, and how bravely and ingeniously I've handled being persecuted, and how my books aren't derivative ripoffs AT ALL.  It was a very courageous performance by me and I feel much better about myself now that my feelings have been affirmed by a sympathetic media figure.

You're going to want to hear it, because I also gave some important hints about my totally all-original next book!  That's right, you can squee now!  Here's a hint: my inspiration rhymes with Why Zack Does Improv and it's a "reboot" of a certain science fiction classic, only instead of predicting the collapse of the Galactic Empire, Mary Spelltown proves mathematically that by switching over to a matriarchal system of rule by lesbian Empresses of color, the Empire will become even more vibrant and fabulous and fair, thanks to the invisible guidance of a secret dance club of mutant, mind-reading, mixed-race homosexuals that is founded by the brilliant, (and woman!) hard scientist.

And here is the best part.  They communicate by farting!  That's right.  You may as well pencil in my 2014 Nebula Award for Best Tor Novel right now!

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48 Comments:

Anonymous VryeDenker February 22, 2013 3:58 AM  

Yeah women like their "science" good and hard.

Anonymous Toby Temple February 22, 2013 4:07 AM  

the audio file is about real estate investment.....

Anonymous harry12 February 22, 2013 4:22 AM  

From the mp3:
Q:"Tell us what your speaking series is all about."
A"Well, ah... Each month we actually, kind of go through mostly, ah..."
____________________________________________
What have you done with Vox???

Anonymous Toby Temple February 22, 2013 4:25 AM  

I'm not getting the right audio file. Mine has Michelle Gorman(? not sure) talking about investing in real estate in the US today...

Anonymous VD February 22, 2013 4:49 AM  

Ah, they sent me the wrong file. I'll post the correct one later.

Anonymous Roundtine February 22, 2013 4:51 AM  

You got Voxxed!

Blogger tz February 22, 2013 5:58 AM  

It sounds like plagarized introductory calculus.

If you swap Empire for Episcopalians, and Bishops for Empresses...

Anonymous Tom B February 22, 2013 6:32 AM  

"They communicate by farting! That's right."

Now we know this is science fiction, as everyone knows women don't fart......

OpenID herenvardo February 22, 2013 6:39 AM  

You silly, twisted boy, you!

Anonymous Ulmer Miller February 22, 2013 6:53 AM  

Rainbow-colored gaseous auras from their bosoms would be more appropriate, Vox.

Anonymous Sun Xhu February 22, 2013 7:12 AM  

Here's a link: Podcast

Anonymous DrTorch February 22, 2013 7:13 AM  

Sorry, but Eureka already did that plot.

Anonymous Sun Xhu February 22, 2013 7:14 AM  

Nm, that looks to be one from October. Disregard.

Anonymous trk February 22, 2013 7:19 AM  

I hope the book cover appeals to our matriarchal overlords, who always know what best for us. It may even inspire other sci-fi writers to mock the cover by doing things...for um...charity...

and it better have a wereseal

Anonymous McSquee February 22, 2013 7:47 AM  

That's right, you can squee now!

Ah, thank you. All's better now.

Blogger James Dixon February 22, 2013 8:23 AM  

As I've noted before, Vox: You're having entirely too much fun with this. :)

Anonymous James May February 22, 2013 8:38 AM  

Flatulence and Empire. Salvor Hardin, a gay, black transvestite, predicts the crumbling of an interstellar empire because it doesn't fully embrace the superior wisdom and morality of being gay, black or a transvestite.

Here's a project: write a serious fantasy novel that is basically a mash up of the 6 Nebula nominees this year. Have the right name, the right race, be a woman, be gay, and start writing. Make sure your characters reflect the imaginary author. The content itself aside from that is irrelevant. It can be a typical sword and sorcery story by a second rate author from 1938. This is gold by today's standards, where art takes a backseat to politics.

This reminds me of a photographer working in the fine arts. Tired of all the phony artists statements and stupid photographs winning grants, he had children take photos of whatever and then submitted them for a grant with all the appropriate rhetoric as his own work.

If you don't think there's a reason for this, Google Colleen Mullins, a woman who's won tens of thousands of dollars in at least 6 grants. Pay close attention to her clever shots of trees.

Blogger swiftfoxmark2 February 22, 2013 9:56 AM  

So,

Is there a link for it? Google seems to know many Brian Greenbergs.

Anonymous Clay February 22, 2013 10:02 AM  

I'm sure the Tadster has heard and sniffed more farts in a Gay Biker Bar in Lost Angelos.

Anonymous Toby Temple February 22, 2013 10:48 AM  

Here's a link: Podcast

Thanks, Sun Xhu!

Anonymous Orville February 22, 2013 11:08 AM  

Cool, "Return of the Flatulata" can't wait for it, but there is one defect in your plot device, the gay male characters can only whisper out their asses.

Anonymous Edjamacator February 22, 2013 11:16 AM  

...it's a "reboot" of a certain science fiction classic, only instead of predicting the collapse of the Galactic Empire, Mary Spelltown proves mathematically that by switching over to a matriarchal system of rule by lesbian Empresses of color, the Empire will become even more vibrant and fabulous and fair...

Nah, I'll wait for the movie. I'm thinking Michelle O will play the Empress?

Oh wait, no, that may conflict with her being an Empress in the real world. Sorry.

Anonymous rho February 22, 2013 11:30 AM  

only instead of predicting the collapse of the Galactic Empire, Mary Spelltown proves mathematically that by switching over to a matriarchal system of rule by lesbian Empresses of color, the Empire will become even more vibrant and fabulous and fair, thanks to the invisible guidance of a secret dance club of mutant, mind-reading, mixed-race homosexuals that is founded by the brilliant, (and woman!) hard scientist.

You may be joking, but there are people who would totally read that. They would read that so hard.

Blogger Doorstop February 22, 2013 11:43 AM  

posted on Drudge this morning:
"Wildlife Officials Warn Hunters on Deadly Rabbit Fever"
http://cbsloc.al/XnRl9S
"According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta, tularemia could also play a part in chemical and biological warfare. The CDC noted, according to the paper, “If [the bacteria] were used as a bioweapon, the bacteria would likely be made airborne so they could be inhaled.”

Seemed relevant.. :)

Anonymous buzzcut February 22, 2013 11:59 AM  

Empress LaQuanda of Tonguelash gazed down upon her minions from her totally non-phallic tower balcony, at the sea of expectant faces awaiting her command, eager to do her bidding.
"BRING ME THE HEAD OF SPACE GHOST!", she fart-screamed.

(Editor's note: Should the verb be fart-scream or scream-fart? Or should we make a combined word, maybe scart or fream? "BRING ME THE HEAD OF SPACE GHOST!", she scarted.)

Anonymous Kickass February 22, 2013 11:59 AM  

Clearly Sir, you are out of control. Carry on. By the way, consider adding Eskimos. Ones that marry white women and become fluent in Spanish. Just a suggestion.

Anonymous Kickass February 22, 2013 12:01 PM  

You know, I don't think it can be done. I am throwing down the challenge right now, write it.

Blogger Laramie Hirsch February 22, 2013 12:17 PM  

link?

Anonymous Wendy February 22, 2013 12:20 PM  

Cool, "Return of the Flatulata" can't wait for it, but there is one defect in your plot device, the gay male characters can only whisper out their asses.

Main staple food = beans.

Anonymous Russell February 22, 2013 12:25 PM  

Shut up and take my money!

I'm pre-ordering a copy for all my friends in the Book Club. We're still working through Oprah's Book of the Month list, but I'm confident that we'll be ready when the book is released!

Anonymous Luscinia Hâfez February 22, 2013 12:33 PM  

You know, your sense of humor might be the one thing worse than your writing ability...

Blogger Giraffe February 22, 2013 12:48 PM  

You know, your sense of humor might be the one thing worse than your writing ability...

who's joking?

Anonymous Orville February 22, 2013 12:48 PM  

"Tad at the Rim of Uranus"

Tad finds himself in yet another tight spot while trolling the depths of Uranus in search of Skittles his rainbow farting Unicorn sidekick and breeding companion.

Anonymous kh123 February 22, 2013 12:54 PM  

Another morning started on a good laugh.

Blogger Markku February 22, 2013 1:34 PM  

Dimwit Dan is still at large, it turns out.

Anonymous GHS February 22, 2013 2:04 PM  

>Here's a link: Podcast

That's a link to an Oct 2012 podcast, not the one here.
This should be the right one.
Text transcript at the link, too.

Blogger tz February 22, 2013 2:30 PM  

This could spawn a whole series, and a second one, Eye (with the Y having a loop at the bottom) Rabbit, with a rabbipsychologist who was too lazy to be a Calvinist so converted. Then merge the two series.

Blogger Laramie Hirsch February 22, 2013 2:32 PM  

@ GHS

Yet another link to a September 2012 Interview.

"By Brian Greenberg • 09/23/2012 10:35 AM"

- - - - -

I refuse to believe that this mythological interview ever existed.

Anonymous GHS February 22, 2013 2:44 PM  

>Yet another link to a September 2012 Interview.
Just realized. Can't see anything on that site newer than 2012, either wrong site or it's not up. Google returns nothing that I see useful.

Blogger tz February 22, 2013 6:03 PM  

secret dance club of mutant, mind-reading, mixed-race homosexuals that is founded by the brilliant, (and woman!) hard scientist.

Well, mules are sterile. They have no species to propagate.

Is "she" a "hard" scientist before the operation (to give her something which can become hard)?

I've never indulged in LSD, however this is enough for an imaginary flashback. There is the new historical movie about Hitchcock's direction of another movie.

This would be good enough for a Kickstarter project. I'll contribute for an illustrated first edition. But I would also want EΎe Rabbit to be part of it. And a shower scene.

Blogger tz February 22, 2013 7:53 PM  

The three laws of rabbitcs:

1. A rabbit will keep the warren undisturbed no matter what.
2. A rabbit will evade, insult, whine, or otherwise avoid conflict unless such might possibly violate #1.
3. A rabbit will attempt to avoid differentiation with any other members of the warren unless it might break #2 or #1.

The common terms are the laws of: Konformity, Kowardice, and Konsensus. The KKK laws were said to have been created by hare fuehrer.

(this is my attempt, others are welcome to try another set).

Blogger LP 999/Eliza February 22, 2013 8:33 PM  

We need a link on the blog to this interview forever!

Anonymous The Master Cylinder! February 22, 2013 9:51 PM  

Sorry to go briefly OT, but I finally got to watch the second seasons of Game of Thrones. Man, what a disappointment. Such a falling-off from what I thought was pretty high quality in season one. Meandering, aimless, and gratuitously cruel in an icky way. A waste of time for many of the more fun characters, and pretty bad casting choices for a lot of the new characters -- guys like Stannis are just no fun to watch. Jamie Lannister was completely wasted for the whole season. Ugh.

If this is what those books are actually like, I can see why people are so unhappy with them.

One of the things that drives me crazy in stories like this, is if you have a villain who is The Evil Government (like say The Empire in Star Wars), they almost never go to the trouble to show the repercussions of bad government. Every planet you visit in Star Wars seems to be functioning well, society seems to be humming along OK, there's no famines or other catastrophes, you think: with the exception of the Death Star, what exactly is so terrible about the Empire? That Darth Vader dresses in black and sounds sinister? Is that it?

Same thing in Game of Thrones, you have two bad kings in a row, and yet with the exception of all the pointless wars, everything looks fine, everything functions OK. So you get the idea that it really doesn't matter who is king, a horse could be king, and everything would still run fine.

I don't know if they're producing a season three, but not sure I'd watch any further. A shame, it was promising.

Anonymous James May February 22, 2013 11:16 PM  

Actually the second novel in the Song of Ice and Fire series was brilliant. As for kings, that's a little more complicated isn't it? A king and his allies get all the riches. Hardly worth the trouble to squabble for a throne if a country's not doing well. Also a strong king will stave off conquest by another king. Whether society is "humming" along has little to do with civil wars in a feudal society. As is shown, kings often bankrupt a country with loans to fight wars. This might result in losing a throne.

Anonymous Bruce Lewis February 23, 2013 1:18 AM  

"Cup of coffee, ma'am? asked the steward, his white face pale beneath averted eyes.

Admiral Prudence Trafalgar said nothing. She simultaneously flipped her natty dreadlocks from her cocoa-colored face and snapped the spyglass to her crystal-clear blue-violet eye. The other eye, a PhemTek ZR-4290 CyberPeeper, instantly established a maser link with the distant vessel. The hailing signal it sent was answered with the correct password.

She allowed her plush lips a wicked grin. The hail-and-response system had proved its worth to the fleet since the Battle of Freidan IV, when the enlightened, freedom-loving forces of the Cosmic Union Navy of Terra had first met the brutal forces of the Reactionary Androcentric Phallotheistic Empire. How well she remembered that day, when she as a lowly lieutenant (who nevertheless had graduated at the top of her Academy class back on Msworld) had ridden into battle atop the good old starship Alice B. Toklas.

She also remembered the pain of shrapnel raking her face. The enemy's kamikaze DONG-114 fighter had torn into the Toklas' Command Cone, killing all 69 officers senior to her in line of command and putting the destiny of the mighty space battlewagon and flagship of the fleet in the hands of a girl -- a now one-eyed girl, a girl not yet fourteen Old Terran Solar Standard Years old...

She had acquitted herself well in that battle, winning not only the adoration of her crew — many of whom were grizzled veterans of space some thirty years her senior — but instant confirmation in rank and grade by the Cosmo Navy. And now, as Grand Admiral of the Cosmo Union's Terran fleet and Crone-In-Chief of its flagship, the Eleanor Smeal, she was prepared to acquit herself equally well again for a second time.

“Computer, prepare to dock with the —“ Instincts honed by 48 months in deep space kicked in like lightning. “Hold!” she cried in her throaty soprano voice. “Helm, hard a-lee! That's not one of ours! All hands, battle stations!”

Before the first tones of the alarm had traveled the length of the ship, Prudence had stripped away her semi-transparent dress uniform and donned her opaque, but no less-skin-tight Confrontation Suit and helmet. "Tactical! Arm all weapons and stand by!"

Up came the spyglass again. The inbound vessel was casting off blocks of camouflage to reveal its long, peach-colored, blue-traced hull, its knob-like bow pink with heat and pierced by the vertical slit that was its Cosmo Ultra Missile port.

Prudence snapped the glass shut again. “Helm, full ahead!” she ejaculated. “That's no innocent cargo ship! That's the RAPE Fleet flagship, the USS Male Gaze!

All around her, combat displays sprang into life. "All weapons locked on the enemy ship, Miz," said a rating from the weapons station below. With a wicked grin, Prudence contemplated the battle to come. Wait'll they get a taste of our Boron-Activated Large Laser Buster, she mused.

It was then, as her ship hurtled towards its foe, that Prudence Trafalgar remembered the mess steward, still waiting below her next to her mirrorlike leather space boot. She looked down at him, his thin, white form absurdly weak and pale beside her full two point five meters of statuesque carven ebony.

“Oh, yes, boy,” she said to him distractedly. “I'll have the usual. Hot. Black. And no sugar.”

-- from PRUDENCE TRAFALGAR: SHE-CONQUEROR OF THE SPACEWAYS by Bruce Lewis

Anonymous Dog February 23, 2013 6:00 AM  

Is this some kind of sick joke? Where's the F**king link!!!!

Blogger mmaier2112 February 23, 2013 3:53 PM  

I find the lack of a link disturbing.

Amusing, but disturbing.

Blogger Laramie Hirsch February 26, 2013 2:54 AM  

Still no link. Forget it.

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