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Wednesday, May 21, 2014

SF/F Thought Police strike again

Or, why Uncle Timmy was disinvited from Archon:
I’m going to tell you a little story about a good man who has been slandered and libeled by one individual who is hiding behind the anonymity of the Internets. That good man? Tim “Uncle Timmy” Bolgeo.

You see, a pathetic troll whose name I’m not going to bother typing (because it’s a nickname that the individual hides behind because they’re afraid of owning up to their actions) has, after taking random snippets of conversations and tacky jokes that Uncle Timmy publishes on something called “The Revenge”, managed to get Uncle Timmy uninvited from Archon this year. Archon, apparently, is “listening to the fans” (the one who has slandered and committed libel, but we won’t get into that at the moment) and decided that it was in their best interest to not have Uncle Timmy as their Fan Guest of Honor this year.

Let’s ignore, for the moment, the forty years that Uncle Timmy has dedicated to fandom in the South and Midwest. Let’s forget that he started and ran Libertycon for 25 years, which is one of the more popular “small cons” around. Let’s ignore the fact that the man is extremely smart and is an engineer who has a sterling reputation (except when he’s playing spades. He’s a jerk when he plays spades). Heck, let’s even ignore the fact that Uncle Timmy is an old, fat white dude who started a scholarship for a fan and friend (a black man) after he died tragically while trying to help someone.

Oh, wait. No. Not only no, but hell no. All these facts are pertinent to the lie being spread that Uncle Timmy is one big old Southern racist redneck who hates science.
I told you none of this was about me, none of it ever had much to do with me. But now you know why I have never backed down to the petty pinkshirted grotesqueries. SFWA, Archon, Rutgers, Smith, Brandeis, Haverford, it's all the same. It's all about control of the narrative, control of the organization, and control of the lines of communication.

That's why toleration is not an option. That's why preening oneself on refusing to take a stand is moral cowardice. Those are merely slow forms of surrender and submission. Sad Puppies was the first time the pinkshirts have been punched in the mouth in decades and they reacted like a vampire to Holy Water. But it was a mere splash, when what is needed is an inexhaustible firehose.

On a related subject, Sarah Hoyt addresses the triumphant vaginalism of the SFWA, which celebrates the fact that its membership did not vote an award to a single white male this year.

UPDATE: Apparently I am wrong and the Nebulas were all about me.
It’s so heartening and amazing that so many women authors won! I know there has been a lot of drama about sexism and racism in science fiction circles lately and I feel like all of these women winning such a high prize is just awesome. The Vox Days of the world are going to be nearly apoplectic with anger but they can go fuck themselves. Women in sci-fi for the win!
- trynewideas, ULauren Davis Monday 12:11pm
Apoplectic? Quite the contrary, I am VASTLY amused. I hope they are successful in setting up the multicultural Matriarchy of their absurd fantasies. I love the fact they actually gave an award to Swirsky's ridiculous dino-porn revenge fantasy and I wish they'd gone one step deeper into self-marginalization and only given awards to gay black women writers. They are actively killing off the market for pink science fiction and they don't even realize they are doing it. These women are in sci-fi the same way a cancer cell is in the human body. The only victory they will find is self-extinction. They can hand themselves hundreds of awards, thousands, but they will never receive the respect they so desperately crave.

Because the map is not the territory.

Labels: ,

223 Comments:

1 – 200 of 223 Newer› Newest»
Anonymous Maximilien de Robespierre May 21, 2014 9:12 AM  

C;ear;u the "Uncle Timmys" of world are destined for one place:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guillotine

Blogger buzzardist May 21, 2014 9:22 AM  

They're not in power unless they are actively excluding someone. They don't care whom they target. These are bullies of the basest sort, the kind who are too fearful to bully on their own, but who gleefully and mercilessly do so as a mob. Anyone is fair game for any reason that the mob can latch onto, and the idiots rush to be part of the mob just so that they will feel safe.

Anonymous Maximilien de Robespierre May 21, 2014 9:27 AM  

Don't worry tho, the left-libertarians got yer back:
https://twitter.com/RoderickTLong/status/465997091173445632/photo/1

Blogger Nate May 21, 2014 9:38 AM  

White men from the south cannot be involved in sci fi. Because slavery.

Anonymous Whitey Knight 101 May 21, 2014 9:38 AM  

There is NO PLACE in society for these peer-review, circle-jerking, self-loathing and vacuous-desperate-for-Reinforcement-and-Identity crowd.
They must go, at all costs and by any means necessary.

Anonymous Steveo May 21, 2014 9:47 AM  

Time for a moniker swap... feminism -> vaginalism great call!

That means you can provoke the confrontation anytime you hear the word feminist with something like: they aren't feminists, that's an injustice to femininity... they are vaginalists.

Blogger Manach May 21, 2014 9:53 AM  

Given the public nature of this dismissal and the damage potential done to Mr. Bolgeo reputation, I'd wonder what his legal options are stemming from this defamation of character.

Blogger Doom May 21, 2014 9:58 AM  

No, no. Holy water has it's places, as a distraction. Unless you stake the beast, or burn it, it will return.

Anonymous Strange Aeons May 21, 2014 10:02 AM  

I saw footage of a feminist/vaginalist rally once. It appeared to be happening at some place called "Helms Deep".

Anonymous Daniel May 21, 2014 10:02 AM  

Uncle Tim's Cabin Pressure.

Anonymous Toby Temple May 21, 2014 10:10 AM  

White Southerns are evil. Because slavery.

vs

White men are evil. Because patriarchy.

~just playing along~

Anonymous Alexander May 21, 2014 10:19 AM  

Haha. I love it: let's overcome sexism by taking ALL THE PRIZES!!!

On the other side, such a victory at the nebulas has empowered at least one person with the ability to spell your name out, so maybe something came out of it afterall.

Anonymous Athor Pel May 21, 2014 10:30 AM  

" DoomMay 21, 2014 9:58 AM
No, no. Holy water has it's places, as a distraction. Unless you stake the beast, or burn it, it will return."



No no, sunlight. Sunlight kills creatures of the night. Harpoon them, drag them out of the darkness and into the sunlight and then stake them to the ground. The sun will do the rest.

Anonymous Maximilien de Robespierre May 21, 2014 10:34 AM  

The only victory they will find is self-extinction.

Well, to be fair, their cats live pretty good lives.

Anonymous Anonymous May 21, 2014 10:40 AM  

"Well, to be fair, their cats live pretty good lives."

Wish I could sign up for a program where someone feeds, waters, and pays for all my stuff and I can ignore them at will with no consequence.

Anonymous Porky May 21, 2014 10:40 AM  

love the fact they actually gave an award to Swirsky's ridiculous dino-porn revenge fantasy

From Asimov to dinoporn in under 50 years.

Give it 50 more years and "Baboon Fart Story" will win in a landslide.

Anonymous Anonymous May 21, 2014 10:41 AM  

I'm sorry, I forgot we were talking about cats.

Anonymous VD May 21, 2014 10:43 AM  

Give it 50 more years and "Baboon Fart Story" will win in a landslide.

50? I give it 10. Except it will be "Undead Baboon Fart Story"

Anonymous Michael Maier May 21, 2014 10:51 AM  

Wow... I do not think it possible to even parody this.

http://www.apex-magazine.com/if-you-were-a-dinosaur-my-love/

Anonymous Psuedo-Nate May 21, 2014 10:52 AM  

My favorite recently was Pox Vay accusing Larry Correia of being a "coward". Really? when has Larry ever shied away from saying exactly what he meant, and standing by it. Or for that matter responding to someone trying to misrepresent his words with a kick in the teeth?

Anonymous Josh May 21, 2014 10:52 AM  

The #1 movie in America was called "Ass." And that's all it was for 90 minutes. It won eight Oscars that year, including best screenplay.

Anonymous Phineas Grub May 21, 2014 10:59 AM  

Wow... I do not think it possible to even parody this.

http://www.apex-magazine.com/if-you-were-a-dinosaur-my-love/

Dear Lord. That was joke right?

Anonymous MrGreenMan May 21, 2014 10:59 AM  

@Michael Maier

They not even know their own categories. That's a prose poem; that's not a short story. I thought "hallucinatory fantasy fiction" was considered a cheat of the readers; hallucinatory fantasy of bestiality and general murder and mayhem are worse than learning that the whole thing was a dream at the end of the story.

Blogger Markku May 21, 2014 11:02 AM  

Dear Lord. That was joke right?

Nebula winner.

Ah, wait, that's kinda the same thing.

Anonymous Josh May 21, 2014 11:05 AM  

http://www.apex-magazine.com/if-you-were-a-dinosaur-my-love/

I don't want to live on this planet anymore...

Anonymous VD May 21, 2014 11:06 AM  

Pinkshirted she-pig revenge fantasy. A psychologist could get 10 sessions out of it.

A T-Rex, even a small one, would never have to stand against five blustering men soaked in gin and malice. A T-Rex would bare its fangs and they would cower. They’d hide beneath the tables instead of knocking them over. They’d grasp each other for comfort instead of seizing the pool cues with which they beat you, calling you a fag, a towel-head, a shemale, a sissy, a spic, every epithet they could think of, regardless of whether it had anything to do with you or not, shouting and shouting as you slid to the floor in the slick of your own blood.

If you were a dinosaur, my love, I’d teach you the scents of those men. I’d lead you to them quietly, oh so quietly. Still, they would see you. They’d run. Your nostrils would flare as you inhaled the night and then, with the suddenness of a predator, you’d strike. I’d watch as you decanted their lives—the flood of red; the spill of glistening, coiled things—and I’d laugh, laugh, laugh.


Never mind that if her love was a T-Rex, the bad mens would just shoot the chicken-clawed thing with a .50 calibre. And then she-pig would cry, cry, cry.

It is hilarious that SFWA actually called that the best science fiction this year. If I was still a member, I'd have to quit in embarrassment. The Asaro nonsense was bad enough, but this? It's self-parody.

Anonymous Alexander May 21, 2014 11:06 AM  

Huh.

Well, looking at the state of things, I think that story is *perfect*.

In fact, the best thing one could do is promote that amazing dinosnuff fantasy far and wide.

Blogger JartStar May 21, 2014 11:07 AM  

It occurred to me the other day that all of the gender bending stories in sci-fi and fantasy and the current culture's obsession with it, is a combination of Gnosticism and Platonism. The spirit is good, the flesh is either bad or just meat and what counts is the spiritual inside and how one feels.

The venom at "the white male patriarchy" isn't about what's between the male's legs, but rather the old guard reminds them of the fact that flesh does matter and there real consequences to ignoring this uncomfortable truth.

The Church has a very good answer to this in the bodily Resurrection and New Earth but modern Christians have done a poor job articulating a response based upon this, and instead rather fallen in with the times and focused on escaping to a spiritual heaven.

Blogger James Higham May 21, 2014 11:08 AM  

Can it be coincidence that you have the same problems your side of the pond?

Anonymous VD May 21, 2014 11:08 AM  

I’d teach you the scents of those men. I’d lead you to them quietly, oh so quietly.

Miz Swirsky, there is a damn sight more eating on your ham hocks than on any five given men. I think we know who would actually be on the menu.

Blogger James Dixon May 21, 2014 11:08 AM  

> ... hallucinatory fantasy of bestiality and general murder and mayhem are worse than learning that the whole thing was a dream at the end of the story.

But don't dare care them a half savage for imagining such things.

Blogger Markku May 21, 2014 11:10 AM  

I think the CH front page should end like this:


Why are we traditionalists, you ask? Sorry, it's a trade secret. But don't be sad, here's this year's Nebula winner for you instead.

Blogger John Cunningham May 21, 2014 11:11 AM  

Vox, I fear you have not kept up with recent trends, you wrote "I wish they'd gone one step deeper into self-marginalization and only given awards to gay black women writers." Black lesbians are outmoded; the new rage is deaf lesbian Eskimo poetesses.

Anonymous Pink SF Cat Lady May 21, 2014 11:12 AM  

I'm sorry, I forgot we were talking about cats.

Cats... peanut butter... endless nights of love.

Anonymous Harsh May 21, 2014 11:14 AM  

The key bit of evidence against Uncle Timmy: "Uncle Timmy is an old, fat white dude"

Guilty! Guilty of all crimes past, present, and future!

Blogger RobertW May 21, 2014 11:24 AM  

Maybe I'm wrong but I thought the only "award" that really matters is readership and how many people are purchasing/downloading one's books? How do the Pink Brigade fare in that regard?

Blogger Desiderius May 21, 2014 11:28 AM  

"It occurred to me the other day that all of the gender bending stories in sci-fi and fantasy and the current culture's obsession with it, is a combination of Gnosticism and Platonism. The spirit is good, the flesh is either bad or just meat and what counts is the spiritual inside and how one feels."

Yep.

Anonymous Don May 21, 2014 11:28 AM  

If you were a T Rex you would have to sit and watch Duck Commander because no matter what those nasty homophobes christians said, you couldn't operate the remote. If you were a T Rex you'd smell all the tasty cheetos and cookie dough icecream but you couldn't reach the cheetos because they are on the top shelf and let's face it, you'd be five foot four with 12 inch arms attached directly to your chest and you need a thumb to scoop out the cookie dough without making a mess.

If you were a T Rex your scaled snout would make it impossible to see the middle of the damn computer screen unless you were five feet away so you'd have to sit like a robin looking for a worm while you typed and that would be damned annoying.

If you were a T Rex you'd probably already have eaten my cats except for the tails which you would drape about your neck like a dicky or a stole then I'd have to clean up the blood and cat feces.

If you were a T Rex people would scream and run away or do bad things to you because you're a nasty, ill mannered, dangerous to weaker things and a predator (probably a sexual predator too), not because you're a dinosaur.

Blogger ScuzzaMan May 21, 2014 11:31 AM  

Miz Swirsky, there is a damn sight more eating on your ham hocks than on any five given men. I think we know who would actually be on the menu.

Yep. I dont have to run faster than the T-Rex, Mz; just faster than you.

Anonymous MT May 21, 2014 11:31 AM  

Morlock Publishing ‏@MorlockP 17h
He pees standing?

MT @scalzi GAY AMERICA: if you won't threaten my marriage w same-sex marriages, I'LL DO IT MYSELF
*Leaves toilet seat up*

Anonymous GG May 21, 2014 11:31 AM  

"I hope they are successful in setting up the multicultural Matriarchy of their absurd fantasies..."

Oh please, not a real one! There's something about mandated debauchery and knives in my back that I find rather unpleasant.

Blogger Desiderius May 21, 2014 11:34 AM  

VD,

"It is hilarious that SFWA actually called that the best science fiction this year."

Sure, if one considers pogroms hilarious.

When this planet's apex predator is getting her dander up for some ethnic cleansing, this is what she sounds like...

Anonymous Anonymous May 21, 2014 11:43 AM  

Its called Congress.

Anonymous rycamor May 21, 2014 11:43 AM  

Josh May 21, 2014 11:05 AM
http://www.apex-magazine.com/if-you-were-a-dinosaur-my-love/

I don't want to live on this planet anymore...


Josh, if you were a man of truly evolved sensibilities, this story would move you to tears, as it did for this commenter at the site:

John Klima - March 7, 2013
I am weeping. Thank you, Rachel. This is beautiful.


That's how you do it, gentlemen, if you want to win the exquisite favor of the Mz Swirskys of the world. Learn from a master of the female heart.

Anonymous Anonymous May 21, 2014 11:48 AM  

Someday, someone will study why the luckiest, most pampered, most comfortable people in human history were also the most consumed with hate and the desire to destroy.

Blogger Some dude May 21, 2014 11:50 AM  

This comment has been removed by the author.

Anonymous Salt May 21, 2014 11:50 AM  

"If you were a T-rex", well hell, the first thing that came to mind was a song from Fiddler on the Roof.

If I were a T-rex,
yubby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dum
All day long, I'd biddy biddy bum

Blogger JartStar May 21, 2014 11:53 AM  

Desiderius, nice post.

Anonymous Pseudo-Nate May 21, 2014 11:54 AM  

"If you were a T Rex, I'd lead you to all those mean boys who said I was fat because they didn't understand that its Hormonal/glandular/ due to a medical condition/medication before I fiercely kick them in the shin then went home and cried"

Blogger Some dude May 21, 2014 11:56 AM  

This comment has been removed by the author.

Anonymous Cliff's Notes: If You Were A Dinosaur, My Love May 21, 2014 12:00 PM  

If You Were A Dinosaur, My Love.
by Rachel Swirsky

Summary:

The author fantasizes about revenge-killing the 5 men who called her "chubby" at a San Jose pool hall.

She laments that if only her husband were more masculine and protective she would pledge her undying love to him. Her husband then undergoes a Kafka-esque transformation from worthless, hen-pecked slob to powerful dino-predator, and subsequently flays the flesh from the bodies of the pool-playing antagonists as the author laughs uncontrollably.

She then expresses regret at the murders, thus ending the fantasy. Reality having settled back in, she resigns herself to a "broken hearted" life with her useless slob of a husband, still wishing that he was a dinosaur.

All of this is treated as if it is perfectly normal and not indicative of mental illness in any way.





Anonymous DNW May 21, 2014 12:02 PM  

" ... blustering men soaked in gin and malice. ... bare its fangs ... they would cower. They’d hide beneath the tables instead of knocking them over. They’d grasp each other for comfort instead of seizing the pool cues with which they beat you, calling you a fag, a towel-head, a shemale, a sissy, a spic, every epithet they could think of, regardless of whether it had anything to do with you or not, shouting and shouting as you slid to the floor in the slick of your own blood.

... my love, I’d teach you the scents of those men. I’d lead you to them quietly, oh so quietly. Still, they would see you. They’d run. Your nostrils would flare as you inhaled the night and then, with the suddenness of a predator, you’d strike. I’d watch as you decanted their lives—the flood of red; the spill of glistening, coiled things—and I’d laugh, laugh, laugh."


Is that Grendel's mother talking?

Blogger ScuzzaMan May 21, 2014 12:07 PM  

@cailcorishev:
"Someday, someone will study why the luckiest, most pampered, most comfortable people in human history were also the most consumed with hate and the desire to destroy."

There is a very old saying that addresses this directly. My brother taught it to me nearly 50 years ago. It speaks to human nature and it goes like this:

"I dont know *why* he hates me: I never did anythign for him!"

Anonymous Huckleberry - est. 1977 May 21, 2014 12:10 PM  

She laments that if only her husband were more masculine and protective she would pledge her undying love to him. Her husband then undergoes a Kafka-esque transformation from worthless, hen-pecked slob to powerful dino-predator, and subsequently flays the flesh from the bodies of the pool-playing antagonists as the author laughs uncontrollably.

Soon to be a Tarantino Movie in a theater near you...

Blogger Some dude May 21, 2014 12:12 PM  

This comment has been removed by the author.

Blogger Desiderius May 21, 2014 12:14 PM  

Cail,

"Someday, someone will study why the luckiest, most pampered, most comfortable people in human history were also the most consumed with hate and the desire to destroy."

You know better than this. It's not just human nature, it's nature's nature. Red in tooth and claw.

Anonymous kfg May 21, 2014 12:16 PM  

"They are actively killing off the market for pink science fiction . . ."

Might have something to do with why I've got A Princess of Mars open in the other window. A bit of Febreze(tm) for the soul.

Anonymous bob k. mando May 21, 2014 12:16 PM  

the key to Swirsky's story is this:
it's the perfect demonstration of the truth of Game.


consider her actual descriptions of the physical man who is NOT a T-Rex that she weaves throughout the story:
- You’d be a small one, only five feet, ten inches, the same height as human-you. You’d be fragile-boned and you’d walk with as delicate and polite a gait as you could
-Whereas you—fragile, lovely, human you—must rely on wits and charm.
- instead of seizing the pool cues with which they beat you, calling you a fag, a towel-head, a shemale, a sissy, a spic, every epithet they could think of, regardless of whether it had anything to do with you or not, shouting and shouting as you slid to the floor in the slick of your own blood.




stipulations:
1 - Swirsky is in danger of being harpooned
2 - the only males she can attract are Gammas
3 - she oh so desperately wishes that her Gamma was a Conan type Alpha, which "T-Rex" is a euphemism for


so, this is nominally about a geek she liked who got his ass kicked for some reason ... which, if only he had been manly enough ... wouldn't have happened.

uh, if i was the beating recipient, i think i'd just as soon she went somewhere else. i'm sitting here licking my wounds and my woman is telling me it's my fault because i'm not butch enough?

bitch, get the fuck out. now you haven't got ANY man, how you like that?


- I’d watch awkwardly in green chiffon that made me look sallow, as I listened to your vows. I’d be jealous, of course


yes, because green is the color of jealousy, hurr durr. subtlety, not her strong point.


-Still, I’d know that it was for the best that you marry another creature like yourself, one that shares your body and bone and genetic template.


uhhhhhh. somebody help me out here.

remember, this nominally an ode to a 'real' man ... that Swirsky wishes had more of the masculine attributes in which he is so woefully deficient ...

did Rachel really just endorse HBD and anti-miscegnation laws?



-If you were a dinosaur, my love, then nothing could break you, and if nothing could break you, then nothing could break me. I would bloom into the most beautiful flower. I would stretch joyfully toward the sun. I’d trust in your teeth and talons to keep you/me/us safe now and forever


yeah, i know.

a woman seeking external validation in the ( non-existent ) high status attributes of her man.

completely shocking. who could have foreseen this turn of events?

Blogger Russell May 21, 2014 12:16 PM  

So, T-Rex hunting. .44 magnum or .454 Casull? A handgun seems more sporting for the poor thing.

Blogger Feather Blade May 21, 2014 12:17 PM  


The spirit is good, the flesh is either bad or just meat and what counts is the spiritual inside and how one feels.

I think the most striking and fully articulated example of this that I've seen in popular culture is found in a Lady Gaga song:

You can't have my heart
And you won't use my mind but
Do what you want (with my body)
Do what you want with my body
You can't stop my voice cause
You don't own my life but
Do what you want (with my body)
Do what you want (with my body)

That's a whole bunch of gnostic platonism right there.

Cats... peanut butter... endless nights of love.

Isn't that dogs? Peanut butter is (apparently) consent, people.

Blogger James Dixon May 21, 2014 12:21 PM  

> So, T-Rex hunting. .44 magnum or .454 Casull?

They're big. I think even bigger than a full grown grizzly. I'd got for the .454.

Anonymous Harsh May 21, 2014 12:22 PM  

Someday, someone will study why the luckiest, most pampered, most comfortable people in human history were also the most consumed with hate and the desire to destroy.

True. And maybe also the more important question of why the most intelligent, ambitious, and accomplished people in human history decided it was a good idea to share their society with savages.

Anonymous GG May 21, 2014 12:25 PM  

"The venom at "the white male patriarchy" isn't about what's between the male's legs, but rather the old guard reminds them of the fact that flesh does matter and there real consequences to ignoring this uncomfortable truth."

JartStar is onto something here. John 3:12. If you picture the physical world as a biological reflection of the spiritual world, than the effort to rewrite reality here on Earth begins to take on far more insidious and damaging implications. On Earth as it is in heaven, indeed.

Anonymous kfg May 21, 2014 12:28 PM  

"Swirsky is in danger of being harpooned"
We're going to need a bigger harpoon.

"T-Rex hunting. .44 magnum or .454 Casull?"
Bedford Forrest could take it with a .9mm.

Blogger Desiderius May 21, 2014 12:31 PM  

JartStar,

"Desiderius, nice post."

The Social Pathologist does good work.

Anonymous Lysander Spooner May 21, 2014 12:32 PM  

I couldn't resist: Swirsky: She's Dino-Bite ;)

DINO-BITE

Blogger Desiderius May 21, 2014 12:32 PM  

Here's another one.

Blogger Desiderius May 21, 2014 12:33 PM  

"And maybe also the more important question of why the most intelligent, ambitious, and accomplished people in human history decided it was a good idea to share their society with savages."

That's what Gods do.

Blogger Flyover Pilgrim May 21, 2014 12:34 PM  

"... It's all about control of the narrative, control of the organization, and control of the lines of communication.

"That's why toleration is not an option. That's why preening oneself on refusing to take a stand is moral cowardice. Those are merely slow forms of surrender and submission. ... "


Exactly this, sir. Thank you. I learned first hand, 'way back in the late '90's, that when the progressives, socialists, communists, and feminists talk of 'tolerance' they mean it for themselves and not for me.

NO more silence. But, as my mother of blessed memory would say, "kill 'em with kindness." I shall refute them and point out their idiocy with a smile; and continue to smile when I walk away as they sputter.

thank you again.

Blogger Russell May 21, 2014 12:37 PM  

"Bedford Forrest could take it with a .9mm."

From his toilet? Maybe.

I think he'd sneak up, jump on the back and slit its throat with a knife made from the spear of some minor Spartan king.

Anonymous bob k. mando May 21, 2014 12:39 PM  

.45 ACP is just fine for Swirky's 5'-10" T-Rex.

if you're going after a real T, anything less than a large bore elephant gun is a waste of time.

large African elephants go ~15,000 lbs. a midsize T was probably about 12,000 lbs.



kfg May 21, 2014 12:28 PM
We're going to need a bigger harpoon.



yeah. only problem, i don't actually want to haul her to shore.

Anonymous K. Solomon May 21, 2014 12:44 PM  

Obviously, mileage will vary with any work of art, but having read the short story, I think the only legitimate criticism you can reasonably level at Swirsky’s story it is that it’s not SF/F. But it’s a damn fine story.

Vox’s analogy of colorblindness WRT atheists comes to mind.

Anonymous Anonymous May 21, 2014 12:45 PM  

The thing to remember, though, is that when the Burning Times come, the Pink Shirts and others like them won't survive.

Cleansing comes, one way or another.

Blogger JDC May 21, 2014 12:45 PM  

On one of my closed FB clergy boards a furious debate is raging about whether to ban someone from posting. The irony is that the board is called ELCA Uncensored - for current and former ELCA pastors. The board moderator is a friend of mine, and she specifically set it up because of the constant banning on other boards.

The accusations from those who want to ban this individual are interesting:
1. He is un-Christian
2. He is not Christ centered
3. He is ignorant of the kingdom
4. He is self-righteous
5. He is vitriolic and not at peace
6. He is sad
7. He is wounded

And the final nail in his coffin, the ultimate reason why he should be banned is contained in this verbatim statement,

"So here is my pledge, please ban this individual, I am done engaging, I tried it once and it left me feeling sad. ELCA clergy, I pray for you and the work you do in the Kingdom. Have a great day! Peace."

A pledge formulated on feeling sad - a passive-aggressive statement about the "real" kingdom work to be done, and then the icing that's supposed to make it go down easily, a wish to have a great day and to have peace.

Blogger IM2L844 May 21, 2014 12:46 PM  

Next thing you know, undeserving lefties will be winning Nobel Prizes.

Anonymous Logo May 21, 2014 12:46 PM  

The T-Rex pink SF revenge porn story is good, but clearly the greatest work of pink SF porn is the 2009's Nebula Award winning, 2010 Hugo nominated, 2011 Locus finalist: Spar by Kij Johnson..

I did not understand the meaning of the words "beyond parody" until I read that.

Anonymous Phineas Grub May 21, 2014 12:49 PM  

"T-Rex hunting. .44 magnum or .454 Casull?"

Tiny Tim would take it down with a .22 while sitting on the crapper. Pikers. You can comment when you can defecate AND shoot reptiles at the same time.

Blogger James Dixon May 21, 2014 12:51 PM  

> ... a midsize T was probably about 12,000 lbs.

I had realized they were quite that massive, and hadn't had time to check. Yeah, you want an elephant gun for that.

Blogger James Dixon May 21, 2014 12:53 PM  

Growl. Hadn't. I can't type at all today..

Anonymous Porky May 21, 2014 12:54 PM  

But it’s a damn fine story.

I liked it.

But then again, I like jock itch.

Anonymous the agnostic lurker May 21, 2014 1:01 PM  

Vox, are you worried about this other "Vox"?

http://www.vox.com/2014/5/21/5732258/the-racist-childrens-songs-you-might-not-have-known-were-racist

Anonymous kfg May 21, 2014 1:08 PM  

"only problem, i don't actually want to haul her to shore."
We're not in Nantucket anymore:
http://etcweb.princeton.edu/batke/moby/moby_096.html

But we might need, ya know, a bigger boat.

"You can comment when you can defecate AND shoot reptiles at the same time."
I've lived in the Mexican rainforest. It's the only way you can defecate.

Blogger Joshua Dyal May 21, 2014 1:17 PM  

if you're going after a real T, anything less than a large bore elephant gun is a waste of time.

large African elephants go ~15,000 lbs. a midsize T was probably about 12,000 lbs.


The correct caliber with which to hunt T. rexes is, of course, the .577 Tyrannosaur.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-EVqT3XEzss

Anonymous bob k. mando May 21, 2014 1:18 PM  

K. Solomon May 21, 2014 12:44 PM
I think the only legitimate criticism you can reasonably level at Swirsky’s story it is that it’s not SF/F. But it’s a damn fine story.



a - you 'feel' like. there's no thought or analysis in your post, simply bald assertion.

b - check upthread




Logo May 21, 2014 12:46 PM
2011 Locus finalist: Spar by Kij Johnson..



holy shit.

it's an Alpha rape fantasy.

only this time it's got all of the Alpha EMOTIVE traits instead of the physical ones as with Swirsky.

note that it takes her constantly, in every orifice, completely without regard too her feelings.

also note that *she* utterly fails at everything. so much for the power of the female intellect ...

in a piece of fiction written by a female?

Blogger Russell May 21, 2014 1:21 PM  

I can say I've never lost a fight to a T-Rex, and I don't intend to ever lose a fight with one.

Anonymous VD May 21, 2014 1:23 PM  

Vox, are you worried about this other "Vox"?

Not in the slightest.

I think the only legitimate criticism you can reasonably level at Swirsky’s story it is that it’s not SF/F. But it’s a damn fine story.

That is your prerogative. I think your statement is ludicrous and the story is a laughably bad self-parody transparently designed to appeal to the PC crowd's need to emote in public that illustrates the ongoing decline of science fiction.

Anonymous Ostar May 21, 2014 1:38 PM  

Logo
2009 Nebula Award winning, 2010 Hugo nominated, 2011 Locus finalist: Spar by Kij Johnson..

Holy Mother of God... I now realize just how truly low Pink has brought SF/F.
If I was a Nebula winner prior to 2000, I would return my award in protest. Maybe one of the still living Masters should do that...

Anonymous Titus Didius Tacitus May 21, 2014 1:42 PM  

the agnostic lurker: "Vox, are you worried about this other "Vox"?"

HAHAHAHAHA!

Anonymous NateM May 21, 2014 1:43 PM  

Forrest v Leonidas v SwirskyRex, Texas Death Match with a 9mm pistol suspended by crord above s ladder. Loser leaves town.

But seriously, would you have to hit the soft spot on T Rex head? Or would that only matter if you weren't doing catch and release? With a 10 year old on your lap? While pants less.

Anonymous Jeanne May 21, 2014 1:45 PM  

This Dinosaur piece is also up for a Hugo award for short story.

Suffice it to say it will be nowhere on my ballot. It is simply awful. If this is what is winning awards in SF/F, well, then, this isn't simply a genre in decline. It's a genre on life-support.

Anonymous Hound's Tooth Check May 21, 2014 1:54 PM  

"A T-Rex, even a small one, would never have to stand against five blustering men soaked in gin and malice. A T-Rex would bare its fangs and they would cower."

That's an excerpt from the actual story? Not a parody?

Good Lord.

Anonymous TJ May 21, 2014 1:55 PM  

"It occurred to me the other day that all of the gender bending stories in sci-fi and fantasy and the current culture's obsession with it, is a combination of Gnosticism and Platonism. " JartStar

It occurred to me this past weekend that feminisms goal is Dianism: "It is notable for its worship of a single Goddess and focus on egalitarian, matriarchal feminism" Wikipedia

Perhaps this is one of the ancient mystery religions (i.e., like what is mentioned in Revelation) working its way back into mainstream under guise.




Anonymous GreyS May 21, 2014 1:55 PM  

A T-Rex, even a small one, would never have to stand against five blustering men soaked in gin and malice. A T-Rex would bare its fangs and they would cower. They’d hide beneath the tables instead of knocking them over. They’d grasp each other for comfort instead of seizing the pool cues with which they beat you, calling you a fag, a towel-head, a shemale, a sissy, a spic, every epithet they could think of, regardless of whether it had anything to do with you or not, shouting and shouting as you slid to the floor in the slick of your own blood.

If you were a dinosaur, my love, I’d teach you the scents of those men. I’d lead you to them quietly, oh so quietly. Still, they would see you. They’d run. Your nostrils would flare as you inhaled the night and then, with the suddenness of a predator, you’d strike. I’d watch as you decanted their lives—the flood of red; the spill of glistening, coiled things—and I’d laugh, laugh, laugh.


No. Way. Seriously-- No Way That Is Real!!!!

Blogger Danby May 21, 2014 1:58 PM  

T-Rex with an elephant gun? Screw the elephant gun.
.50 BMG for the win.

Anonymous Anonymous May 21, 2014 1:59 PM  

> Someday, someone will study why the luckiest, most pampered, most comfortable people in human history were also the most consumed with hate and the desire to destroy.

At this point, I'm pretty sure that the answer can be found in Game theory.

It will be no surprise to those of you who live in the real world that women delight in creating drama for no apparent reason any male can comprehend. The alleged explanation by Game theorists for this is that they are programmed to continually re-evaluate their reproductive options, and to do so they need crises to observe which of the available options demonstrates appropriate leadership qualities. Thus they will create said crises if none are obliging enough to present themselves.

Seems a reasonable hypothesis. Extending it to a grand theory explaining the behaviour of the Single Fat Women's Association and other such modern non-patriarchical structures is left as a not particularly difficult exercise for the reader.

Anonymous Hound's Tooth Check May 21, 2014 1:59 PM  

Oh, and with respect to T. Rex armaments: M40 recoilless rifle.

Blogger Markku May 21, 2014 2:03 PM  

Wake up and smell the Twilight Zone, people

Anonymous GreyS May 21, 2014 2:04 PM  

I told you none of this was about me, none of it ever had much to do with me.

Scalzi belatedly realized this. It is hilarious to see him plan his posts and tweets -- regular intervals of GoodThought, meant to keep fingers and eyes pointing and looking elsewhere. It's like a prison or POW movie where the rat interjects to get the group off of thinking about him being a rat.

Anonymous Noah B. May 21, 2014 2:06 PM  

Continuing the gun vs. bear talk from the other day, I heard a story from a friend of mine about a hunting guide of his in Alaska who was sleeping in his truck, and he woke up with a grizzly bear having broken through the driver's side window and biting into his arm. He had a .454 on his hip, which he drew and shot the bear in the head with, killing it with a single shot. So the .454 does appear to work on grizzlies, at least at close range.

Anonymous Noah B. May 21, 2014 2:09 PM  

"Oh, and with respect to T. Rex armaments: M40 recoilless rifle."

Too heavy. AT4 FTW.

Anonymous Androsynth May 21, 2014 2:12 PM  

Once again, these SFWA idiots are sitting home alone in the dark, wearing a little tin crown and thinking about how jealous everyone else is, while the rest of the class is at the actual prom.

Anonymous bob k. mando May 21, 2014 2:17 PM  

GreyS May 21, 2014 1:55 PM
No. Way. Seriously-- No Way That Is Real!!!!



way dude, way.

you forget, it was written by a woman.

it must, of course, be published as 'science fiction' ... because there's no room on the Romance shelves for it.




NateM May 21, 2014 1:43 PM
With a 10 year old on your lap?


how are you going to use his shoulder for a brace if you don't have him right in front of you.

RIGHT in front of you.

... while you have your pants around your ankles.



Danby May 21, 2014 1:58 PM
T-Rex with an elephant gun? Screw the elephant gun.
.50 BMG for the win.



as before, i don't care how big you want to go. i'm just pointing out the bare acceptable minimum ( my opinion, of course ).

besides, elephant guns are designed for mobility and shoulder firing.

BMG is fine ... til the T-Rex decides he wants to approach from your rear. then you've gotta manhandle that tripod around ...

you could substitute in a Barrett for a real BMG but at +25lbs it's still not really standing/shoulder fireable.

Anonymous bob k. mando May 21, 2014 2:18 PM  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WiLqPB4lU0

Blogger Danby May 21, 2014 2:19 PM  

"Forrest v Leonidas v SwirskyRex, Texas Death Match with a 9mm pistol suspended by cord above s ladder. Loser leaves town."

Make that Loser leaves town, IN A BOX."

Only Forrest recognizes the gun as a weapon, so he immediately retrieves it. Gamma Rex instantly identifies Forrest as the greater threat. He attacks, but no-one kills Nathan Bedford Forrest and lives, so 8 rounds of 9mm are "correctly placed in the skull plate", except it's actually behind the ear.
Result? Forrest down, in the most manly way possible, bitten in half by the T-Rex he just killed. Gamma Rex bleeding out and dies quickly. Leonidas runs like a shreiking bitch and is the only survivor.

Anonymous bob k. mando May 21, 2014 2:30 PM  

more SF -
http://clarkesworldmagazine.com/johnson_08_12/

in this one, Kij speculates as to why BetaBux permit their wives to destroy them ...

Anonymous bob k. mando May 21, 2014 2:32 PM  

say what you want about Cherryh.

at least what she wrote was recognizably science fiction or fantasy.

Anonymous Athor Pel May 21, 2014 2:42 PM  

"TJ May 21, 2014 1:55 PM
...
It occurred to me this past weekend that feminisms goal is Dianism: "It is notable for its worship of a single Goddess and focus on egalitarian, matriarchal feminism" Wikipedia

Perhaps this is one of the ancient mystery religions (i.e., like what is mentioned in Revelation) working its way back into mainstream under guise."




I think they're finally waking up.







"Hound's Tooth CheckMay 21, 2014 1:59 PM
Oh, and with respect to T. Rex armaments: M40 recoilless rifle."



Lots of good suggestions so far but I have a sentimental favorite, the swinging log trap, just like the Ewoks used. You gotta admit, it would crush the skull or break the neck or both. In any case the sounds and mess it would make would be epic and worth some free drinks any time you told the story.


But the surest way to kill a big predator is a camoflaged and spike-filled hole in the ground. Hang a dead and preferably somewhat stinky goat directly above the hole. Hang it high enough that other predators can't get to it. Wait.

Anonymous Scintan May 21, 2014 2:42 PM  

A T-Rex would bare its fangs and they would cower. They’d hide beneath the tables instead of knocking them over. They’d grasp each other for comfort instead of seizing the pool cues with which they beat you, calling you a fag, a towel-head, a shemale, a sissy, a spic, every epithet they could think of, regardless of whether it had anything to do with you or not, shouting and shouting as you slid to the floor in the slick of your own blood.

She wants the dinosaur to be only 5'10", and she thinks that a group of five liquored up men with weapons would all soil themselves instead of dealing with the perceived threat?

She hasn't met many belligerent drunks.

Blogger JartStar May 21, 2014 2:47 PM  

Only the Ilk could read that dino erotica revenge story and then debate about what caliber would be the most efficient at bringing the beast down. Excuse me... I think I have something in my eye.

Anonymous WaterBoy May 21, 2014 2:52 PM  

Russell: "So, T-Rex hunting. .44 magnum or .454 Casull? A handgun seems more sporting for the poor thing."

New an old mountain man once...lived in the woods north of Pikes Peak...used to hunt T-Rexes with a Bowie knife...yep, he'd just sneak up behind them all quite like...jump on their back...reach around with the knife...slice their throat open...and ride it like a bucking bronco as its lifeblood poured forth onto the ground...until it collapsed onto the ground, already blooded and ready for dressing.

Anonymous WaterBoy May 21, 2014 2:54 PM  

Understand, now, that's a Rocky Mountain T-Rex. They're much smaller than yer flatland Texas T-Rex, on account of the thinner air up here. They don't git much taller than about 5'-10" or so....

Anonymous kh123 May 21, 2014 2:59 PM  

All we need now for archaeological posterity is pottery featuring Leonidas getting a dry hump from a raptor. Maybe a couple of drachma with a pig at a typewriter.

Anonymous Mike M. May 21, 2014 3:04 PM  

You guys arguing about the right gun for dinosaur....sheesh.

Doc Smith already answered that one. X-plosive bullet. Even a microgram of copper being transformed into energy makes a 1911 a sure-fire dino-killer.

Classics. You've got to read the classics.

Anonymous bob k. mando May 21, 2014 3:07 PM  

WaterBoy May 21, 2014 2:54 PM
Understand, now, that's a Rocky Mountain T-Rex.



don't forget, the Rocky Mountain T-Rex also has one short leg.

the key to outrunning a RMTR being that you first need to determine whether it's right or left legged. then you just get behind it and it has to go all the way around the mountain before it can get back too you.



Scintan May 21, 2014 2:42 PM
She hasn't met many belligerent drunks.



you're dealing with a woman's fantasy life.

trying to make 'sense' of it is useless.

if you're her man, trying to compete with her idealized fantasy life is WORSE than useless.

Blogger Desiderius May 21, 2014 3:08 PM  

Invasion of the Church Ladies.

Anonymous Alexander May 21, 2014 3:08 PM  

If pottery was found with Leonidas getting a dry hump from a raptor...

... who would shriek first, the evolutionists or female fantasy authors?

Anonymous Scintan May 21, 2014 3:08 PM  

You guys arguing about the right gun for dinosaur....sheesh.

Doc Smith already answered that one. X-plosive bullet. Even a microgram of copper being transformed into energy makes a 1911 a sure-fire dino-killer.

Classics. You've got to read the classics.


That might work on a T-Rex, but what if it's a 5'10" baby Godzillasaurus?

Anonymous automatthew May 21, 2014 3:11 PM  

That might work on a T-Rex, but what if it's a 5'10" baby Godzillasaurus?

carbon nanotube garrote.

Anonymous Harold Carper May 21, 2014 3:11 PM  

a woman seeking external validation in the ( non-existent ) high status attributes of her man.

Oh, I think it's much worse than that. "My love" in this attempt at literature appears to refer not to a man nor to another person, but to her actual love, i.e. that purest part of her self which really and truly counts. It is unadulterated, vomit-inducing navel gazing through blood-colored, fantasy goggles.

Blogger Desiderius May 21, 2014 3:15 PM  

"I think your statement is ludicrous and the story is a laughably bad self-parody transparently designed to appeal to the PC crowd's need to emote in public that illustrates the ongoing decline of science fiction."

It's a quicker read than the Harry Potter œuvre, so there's that.

Anonymous bob k. mando May 21, 2014 3:16 PM  

Mike M. May 21, 2014 3:04 PM
You guys arguing about the right gun for dinosaur....sheesh.



as said previously, real men use knives:
http://www.waspknife.com/video_watermelon.php

Anonymous WaterBoy May 21, 2014 3:16 PM  

If you were a dinosaur, my love, then you would be a T-Rex. You'd be too small to compete with other male T-Rexes for the females, so you'd have to stay with me forever.

If you were a T-Rex, I would feed you raw chickens and live goats, regardless of whether their bodies carried diseases and microorganisms which are incompatible with your digestive system and immune system. I would tend to your sick body as you vomited all over me, until your system either defeated these organisms or you died, whichever comes first.

If I sang you lullabies, and you started harmonizing with me, the neighbors would call the cops on an excessive noise complaint or an animal welfare check on suspicion of torture being done to you to make you cry like that.

If biologists and geneticists would reverse engineer chickens and totally understand their DNA to make you a mate, they might think to use your DNA instead to engineer a clone with the sex altered to female, since this would be far more believable than doing the entire thing from scratch from traces of collagen, and I could be a real SF writer since I would actually understand the science. Or, you know, they could just use the exact same magic used to make you to make a mate, and I could be a real fantasy writer since I would actually understand the magic.

And after you've dispatched all my perceived enemies, I could jet off to London to accept my well-deserved reward, forgetting that you have to eat constantly so that you break out of your cage in a hunger-induced rage, tearing across the neighborhood eating dogs, cats, babies, children, men (but not women, because they totally aren't racist, sexist, or homophobic AT ALL). I would laugh, laugh, laugh at all the carnage and destruction you wrought because of my forgetfulness that you are actually, in fact, a real dinosaur. Then I would feel guilty because you would also be lying there, dead in the street, your beautiful body riddled with an assortment of .44mag, .454 Casull, .50, .22LR, and 9mm bullet holes. And your neck slit wide open with a Bowie knife.

BECAUSE THERE'S NO PLACE IN SOCIETY FOR DINOSAURS LIKE YOU!

Anonymous Harold Carper May 21, 2014 3:22 PM  

The reference to the paleontologist is mere cover for a woman like this. In real life he was surely nothing more than a prop for her narcissism.

Anonymous Daniel May 21, 2014 3:24 PM  

Is Swirsky the same gal from your college who wrote that poem from the point of view of a lizard?

Anonymous alexander May 21, 2014 3:28 PM  

To her credit, she does acknowledge that marriage is probably best kept within a species. She's a reactionary among the progressives.

Blogger Eric May 21, 2014 3:29 PM  

It's sad, actually. I used to use the Nebulas as a guide to make sure I wasn't missing quality new authors. You can hardly avoid the popularity contest aspect of these kinds of things, but they're not even pretending any more.

If I wanted to find the best new authors who tell stories instead of trying to move the sexual and cultural freak Overton window, where would I look?

Anonymous WaterBoy May 21, 2014 3:29 PM  

"A T-Rex, even a small one, would never have to stand against five blustering men soaked in gin and malice."

Neither would a man armed with a gun and able to defend himself....

Anonymous Daniel May 21, 2014 3:31 PM  

Really though, y'all should lay off. A woman capable of writing in the first-person about getting friendzoned by an imaginary gay dinosaur of her own creation has earned every inch of that silver phallic symbol.

Oh wait, it wasn't a Hugo. What's the trophy for a Nebula look like? Past gas?

Anonymous NateM May 21, 2014 3:32 PM  

The debate on which gun to use is moot. If that TRex was stuck with Swirsky, it would lurch its oversized head in front of a train.

Anonymous WaterBoy May 21, 2014 3:36 PM  

*Phew* Sorry, just had to get all that out of my system. Back to the original post...

Vox: "Apoplectic? Quite the contrary, I am VASTLY amused."

I want to know how on Earth they could possibly imagine you going apoplectic over something you totally expected to happen? All this did is confirm the original analysis.

Blogger John Wright May 21, 2014 3:36 PM  

"Someday, someone will study why the luckiest, most pampered, most comfortable people in human history were also the most consumed with hate and the desire to destroy."

The study will be theological rather than psychological, I predict.

And I predict also the study will come to one of two answers: the answer of Buddha, that all desire provokes suffering; or the answer of Moses, that Man once was favored highly of heaven, and disobeyed, and was cast out, he and all his descendants are still tainted by that primordial catastrophe.

Blogger John Wright May 21, 2014 3:39 PM  

"Doc Smith already answered that one. X-plosive bullet..."

Blackie DuQuesne agrees.

Anonymous Giraffe May 21, 2014 3:46 PM  

The correct caliber with which to hunt T. rexes is, of course, the .577 Tyrannosaur.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-EVqT3XEzss


This. Obviously it takes a fairly stout person to fire one, as it has up to 10 times the recoil energy of a 30-06, depending on how heavy the gun is. Of course, a guy with a .50 bmg shouldn't feel overgunned.

Anonymous WaterBoy May 21, 2014 3:47 PM  

bob k. mando: "don't forget, the Rocky Mountain T-Rex also has one short leg.

the key to outrunning a RMTR being that you first need to determine whether it's right or left legged. then you just get behind it and it has to go all the way around the mountain before it can get back too you.
"


Yep. But every once in a while, you get a random mutation (or is it selected naturally? I dunno...), where the legs are equal length. Then your best bet is to run straight downhill, on account of their tail drags on the ground and slows them down.

Anonymous Androsynth May 21, 2014 3:47 PM  

Now that the Nebulas have reached the lofty heights of awarding junior-high-school level emo poetry, where could they possibly go from here?

Anonymous bob k. mando May 21, 2014 3:49 PM  

Eric May 21, 2014 3:29 PM
If I wanted to find the best new authors who tell stories instead of trying to move the sexual and cultural freak Overton window, where would I look?



John Wright.

Castalia House.

Baen.

Anonymous Athor Pel May 21, 2014 3:49 PM  

" Mike M.May 21, 2014 3:04 PM
You guys arguing about the right gun for dinosaur....sheesh.

Doc Smith already answered that one. X-plosive bullet. Even a microgram of copper being transformed into energy makes a 1911 a sure-fire dino-killer.

Classics. You've got to read the classics."




That is direct matter to energy conversion. If we could harness that then hunting a real T-Rex would actually be within our grasp. You see, time travel takes Lots of energy. No genetic research needed.

Blogger Desiderius May 21, 2014 3:50 PM  

"the answer of Moses, that Man once was favored highly of heaven, and disobeyed, and was cast out, he and all his descendants are still tainted by that primordial catastrophe."

Not Man alone. A cancer cell shares the same fate. Such is base nature. Hence the need for children to be raised above it. Likewise civilizations, Saviors. et. al...

Anonymous kfg May 21, 2014 3:51 PM  

"if you're her man . . ."

Nooooooooo!

Anonymous bob k. mando May 21, 2014 3:53 PM  

WaterBoy May 21, 2014 3:47 PM
Then your best bet is to run straight downhill, on account of their tail drags on the ground and slows them down.



i thought that was the reason for the short forelegs.

to go downhill, they just faceplant onto their bellies and slide. the vestigial forelegs don't get hung up on trees or crevasses.

it's the Theory of Evolution by Natural Selection ... err, Science! ... in action, you see.

Anonymous bob k. mando May 21, 2014 3:56 PM  

kfg May 21, 2014 3:51 PM
Nooooooooo!



you came for the Science Fiction, i gave you the Horror.

Anonymous WaterBoy May 21, 2014 3:58 PM  

bob k. mando: "the vestigial forelegs don't get hung up on trees or crevasses"

Vestigial? Heavens, no! That's how they hunt...which is only done going uphill. Then, they're the perfect length to scoop up ground critters.

Blogger Danby May 21, 2014 4:08 PM  

bob k. mando: "don't forget, the Rocky Mountain T-Rex also has one short leg.

Waterboy: Yep. But every once in a while, you get a random mutation (or is it selected naturally? I dunno...), where the legs are equal length.

Not a mutation. It's actually a cross of the short-right-leg (clockwise) and short-left-leg (counter clockwise) subspecies. The two races are normally unable to breed successfully, but God knows they try. This very rare hybrid usually occurs when a female RMTR sustains a serious injury to the dominant leg.

Anonymous Natem May 21, 2014 4:09 PM  

This story has such a high degree of awful ironic hilarity it should be an 80s Stallone movie. Stallone would be Swirsky.

Blogger Joshua Dyal May 21, 2014 4:12 PM  

If I wanted to find the best new authors who tell stories instead of trying to move the sexual and cultural freak Overton window, where would I look?

Larry's Book Bombs.

Blogger Joshua Dyal May 21, 2014 4:12 PM  

Vestigial? Heavens, no! That's how they hunt...which is only done going uphill. Then, they're the perfect length to scoop up ground critters.

This is so freakin' hilarious!

Anonymous kh123 May 21, 2014 4:17 PM  

"don't forget, the Rocky Mountain T-Rex also has one short leg."

Yeah, but given the focus of the author, she'd be more concerned about the size and balance of its oysters. That's what you'd be running from in Swirsky's world besides, and they'd serve as ballast to whatever Linkhorn leg it'd have.

Genetics.

Anonymous the bandit May 21, 2014 4:18 PM  

If I wanted to find the best new authors who tell stories instead of trying to move the sexual and cultural freak Overton window, where would I look?

I bet a pretty reliable metric would be whatever the Nebula winners point and shriek at.

Anonymous SirHamster May 21, 2014 4:23 PM  

So if I'm following all of the T-rex's attributes correctly, they're well equipped to chase you if you go up hill, down hill, and in one direction circuiting the hill, depending on which side they have a short leg on.

In that case, what is the optimal strategy for escape if you get surprised on a hill by a short-right-legged T-rex coming from your left?

Anonymous kfg May 21, 2014 4:24 PM  

" I bet a pretty reliable metric would be whatever the Nebula winners point and shriek at."

Might have something to do with why I've got A Princess of Mars open in the other window, dear Liza, dear Liza.

Anonymous kh123 May 21, 2014 4:26 PM  

"... who would shriek first, the evolutionists or female fantasy authors?"

I've always understood that people have different pronunciations for place names. Lou-wee-ville, Lou-ville; Raw-leigh, Rye-leigh, etc.

Anonymous bob k. mando May 21, 2014 4:38 PM  

WaterBoy May 21, 2014 3:58 PM
Then, they're the perfect length to scoop up ground critters.



on the other hand, the arms are still too short to reach their mouths.

poor widdle T-Rex, got his claws full of prey ( how he's doing this with no opposable thumbs i'm ignoring ) and no way to eat.

http://www.dkimages.com/discover/previews/944/55091152.JPG

you'd never guess that a LOT of T-Rex die of starvation.

natural selection weighs heavily on this species.

the horror, the horror.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKcAYMb5uk4

Blogger Markku May 21, 2014 4:48 PM  

No, I think he's just scooping them up with an open mouth, and catching what he misses with his hands. They do this in pairs, and then they eat the leftovers from each other's hands.

God designed this as an illustration of the heaven-with-long-spoons principle.

Blogger Danby May 21, 2014 4:52 PM  

"on the other hand, the arms are still too short to reach their mouths.

poor widdle T-Rex, got his claws full of prey ( how he's doing this with no opposable thumbs i'm ignoring ) and no way to eat."


According to TENS, they are thereby forced to become natural jugglers (and unixcyclists), as illustrated by this photograph:
http://fashionablygeek.com/t-shirts/t-rex-juggles-at-the-jurassircus/

Blogger Markku May 21, 2014 5:10 PM  

This is a (very talented) artist's impression of what the prey probably saw in its last moments.

Blogger The Aardvark May 21, 2014 5:14 PM  

I've known Uncle Timmy for decades. Saw him all the time at ChattaCon, and printed con shirts for his daughter when we did LibertyCon years back. They always had the best shirt art (our very first 4-color process job was for them). He's been an engineer for TVA forever, and there has never been the faintest whiff of problem about him, or about the cons which he ran. I also acquired the best pimento cheese recipe in the galaxy from the LibertyCon con suite. That is enough alone to insure him glory in the con pantheon.

Blogger Tiny Tim May 21, 2014 5:19 PM  

For a T-Rex, my choice would be the Savage .17 HMR. I would stand off at 100 yds. and shoot the eyes out. Ancillary damage would also occur due to the eye socket which offers no internal protection to the head internals. It is not the caliber so much as it is shot placement.

And anyone who has experience with reptiles knows they are actually very weak creatures when injured and die rather easily compared to say a cat. Without eyes they would be helpless and would probably lay down and die.

Blogger Markku May 21, 2014 5:24 PM  

With time and resources (perhaps from Kickstarter), this could be turned into an animation of what a surprise it probably was when behind a peaceful hilltop view, suddenly popped up the head of a T-Rex.

Anonymous kfg May 21, 2014 5:29 PM  

Meh, a turkey's just a turkey, no matter how big its damned head is.

Anonymous WaterBoy May 21, 2014 5:32 PM  

SirHamster: "In that case, what is the optimal strategy for escape if you get surprised on a hill by a short-right-legged T-rex coming from your left?"

Stand in place and laugh, since you are in no danger from a T-Rex doing barrel rolls down the hill.

Once he stops rolling, though, prepare to run around the hill counter-clockwise, as bob noted earlier.

Blogger Cataline Sergius May 21, 2014 5:34 PM  

... my love, I’d teach you the scents of those men.

Okay, how in that name of All That Does Not Suck is she planning to do that?

I'm hoping...just really really hoping she knows their brand of gin.

Rather than having some other plan to acquire their scents.

Anonymous WaterBoy May 21, 2014 5:35 PM  

Danby: "This very rare hybrid usually occurs when a female RMTR sustains a serious injury to the dominant leg."

That would be non-consensual sex on the part of the downed female, since she doesn't have the option of running away. Are you advocating T-Rape?

THERE IS NO PLACE IN OUR SOCIETY FOR T-RAPE!

Blogger Markku May 21, 2014 5:39 PM  

Always remember to call the female Tyrannosaurus Regina, or it's sexist.

Anonymous Fran May 21, 2014 5:43 PM  

T-Rex....remember.... " Their brain is the size of a walnut."

Blogger Tiny Tim May 21, 2014 5:44 PM  

The other good thing about a T-Rex is it will only strike at movement. It does not possess pits for heat detection as does the regal pit viper, the western diamondback rattlesnake, so you should be good to go if you don't move. If you aren't moving you can't be food, at least in his mind. Hold steady and place a shot from the .17 in each eye and it is game over. Nothing left to do but field dress it and load it on the trailer.

Game over except for the field dressing and the loading on the trailer to take back to the smokehouse.

Anonymous WaterBoy May 21, 2014 5:47 PM  

bob k. mando: "on the other hand, the arms are still too short to reach their mouths."

Markku: "No, I think he's just scooping them up with an open mouth, and catching what he misses with his hands. They do this in pairs, and then they eat the leftovers from each other's hands."

Markku is correct that they only use the hands to catch the ones that escape the mouth by running underneath the beast. However, it is not necessary for them to feed each other -- though this has been observed to occur -- since the lone individual can simply tear the critter to pieces with its sharp claws, drop the lifeless corpse on the ground, then complete one circuit of the mountain to arrive back at the same spot and scoop it up with its mouth.

That's the real reason the RMTR is going extinct -- the mountain lions keep poaching their prey when they are on the far side of the mountain.

Blogger Markku May 21, 2014 5:50 PM  

Except the ones that learned to cooperate and feed each other, which is how morality evolved. I have it on good authority that the next book from Sam Harris is about this phenomenon.

Anonymous bob k. mando May 21, 2014 5:54 PM  

more seriously, all this pink fiction HAS gotten me to reconsider the nature of SF.

i've pointed out that it's been a trope for a LONG time that sci-fi is the fiction of the taboo and forbidden.

but there's another aspect which is critically void in this Pink crap: problem solving, the use of intelligence to find solutions

i mean, SFWA was recommending space-elf-impreg-rape-porn. if that's not taboo ... what is?


here's what's missing: problem solving and application of intellect.

sci-fi is not JUST the fiction of the taboo. it's the fiction of BOTH the taboo question AND the taboo answer.

consider these three short stories we've been ripping to pieces ... what is the salient?

the passive acceptance of the way things are ... because it's just the way things are.

in the amoeba rape short, the female ... uh, can't call her a 'protagonist' because the only thing she accomplishes for herself is walking out an open door, IF THAT ... changes nothing, solves nothing, saves nothing, communicates nothing.
she is an utterly passive vessel.

in the t-rex short, the female ... uh, can't call her a 'protagonist' etc etc ... is REALLY only sitting next to a hospital bed. sobbing. she doesn't defuse the bar fight, extract her boyfriend, call police or ambulance, provide first aid, she doesn't even minister to her boyfriend in the hospital in any way. the only thing she 'accomplishes' is escaping into her 'rich' ( that is, utterly delusional ) fantasy life.
she is an utterly passive vessel.

then you have the mantis story. well, okay, so the female characters are actually doing something here; killing/destroying the males with esprit and elan. why are the males submitting to this? they are utterly passive in the face of their genetic imperative. why are the females doing this, needlessly? because ... the males keep coming SO THEY MUST WANT IT? there is some moderate spit balling about the 'why' this is occurring ... but not the slightest effort is made to find a solution.
everyone is an utterly passive vessel.

this is what makes these stories NOT sci-fi.




Markku May 21, 2014 4:48 PM
They do this in pairs, and then they eat the leftovers from each other's hands.


many people have difficulty properly determining the sex of reptiles which is why the confusion about male/female and right hand/left hand RMTRs is so widespread.

in actuality, all right hand RMTRs ( RHRMTR? ) are male and all left hand RMTRs ( clearly LHRMTR ) are female.

otherwise, you could wind up with a situation where male RH and LH RMTR would be feeding each other.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jItbWZY9SwQ

though this does present some difficulties for consummation for the breeding pair ...

Anonymous bob k. mando May 21, 2014 6:01 PM  

Cataline Sergius May 21, 2014 5:34 PM
Rather than having some other plan to acquire their scents.



that's what her cooch is for. she goes around collecting their scents in her va-jay-jay and then she comes back and lets him sniff her crotch.

i did NOT say she had sex with them you SICK bastards. even i'm not that cruel.

Blogger Markku May 21, 2014 6:07 PM  

I know that a brain the size of a walnut seems small but... Don't you all ever get the feeling that flies are JUST TOO DAMNED SMART?

Blogger LAZ May 21, 2014 6:08 PM  

While being a fun, quick read and a window into the female psyche I had to burn my copy of Darkship Renegades on page 176 after reading that post by SH. It's a shame she's on the pink side.

Anonymous WaterBoy May 21, 2014 6:17 PM  

Tiny Tim: "For a T-Rex, my choice would be the Savage .17 HMR. I would stand off at 100 yds. and shoot the eyes out."

...while the decoy's mate comes up behind you and bites you in the ass.

Didn't you see Jurassic Park? The raptors learned that from the T-Rex.

Bonus question: What was the gun being used?

Anonymous kh123 May 21, 2014 6:22 PM  

"With time and resources (perhaps from Kickstarter), this could be turned into an animation of what a surprise it probably was when behind a peaceful hilltop view, suddenly popped up the head of a T-Rex."

I'd settle for minimally animated Penny Arcade style vignettes over Swirsky's narrative. Pretty much what I was seeing when I read quoted parts above. That's doable with a lower-end Kickstarter budget. Question now is who to get to do a fitting read.

Blogger Russell May 21, 2014 6:23 PM  

"What was the gun being used?"

SPAS 12

Blogger Markku May 21, 2014 6:23 PM  

Question now is who to get to do a fitting read.

Charles Dance, obvs.

Blogger Doorstop May 21, 2014 6:41 PM  

Man, I love this blog, and some days I love the comments section even more. Where else can I read about the "Single Fat Women's Ass-ociation" (hat tip to "thetroll"), the "heaven-with-long-spoons principle" as illustrated by T-Rexes, and a scenario where "Leonidas runs like a shreiking bitch and is the only survivor." There's enough wicked humor and freebased IQ points floating around here, to keep me de-stressed and humble after dealing with too many idiots at the office in one day.


Blogger Cataline Sergius May 21, 2014 6:45 PM  

If you were a dinosaur, my love, I’d teach you the scents of those men. I’d lead you to them quietly, oh so quietly. Still, they would see you.

Swirsky (shrieking and jumping up and down): They're right there! They are right fucking there!!! Can't you see them?

T-Rex (to himself): No I can't. They obviously saw the movie. Everyone has seen the damn movie! They are standing perfectly still and my new optical receptors (courtesy of your incredibly squandered magic wish,) are not capable of detecting a stationary target!

Swirsky (screaming louder): You have no idea what I had to do get their scents?!

T-Rex (to himself) In fact...sniff, sniff I do. shudders in disgust

Swirsky (screaming louder still): I ask you to do this one thing. This one thing and it's just beyond you. You don't care about me or my needs!

T-Rex (to himself): I'm tired and I've got a headache from air that has way too little oxygen to support my new physiology (thanks again BTW). You have for the second time this week, dragged me out to this open air GDF redneck yacht club, where I got my ass kicked. All because your (by some dark miracle even fatter) BFF Teresa, told you "the best tacos in the world are made here."

Swirsky (making the windows vibrate): YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME!

T-Rex (to himself): I wish. However, now that I've got a brain the size of walnut a few things are now becoming shockingly clear to me. First, I've never been so hungry in my life. Second, I can't recognize a taco now because of the aforementioned eyesight thing. Third, I can recognize something edible that is violently wobbling up and down in front of me. Fourth and finally, I lied to you every time I said you were beautiful, I didn't like seeing you naked but now for the first time ever. massive jaw drops open I believe that I find you absolutely scrumptious!!

Anonymous NateM May 21, 2014 6:49 PM  

"Charles Dance, obvs"

All due respect, Markku...

http://youtu.be/mijy8fpdI5c

Blogger Outlaw X May 21, 2014 8:01 PM  

I can't stand T-Rex too damn gamey, I've tried everything. I made some good T-Rex sausage 1 lb of T-Rex and 49 lbs of pork. It was eatable.

Anonymous Alexander May 21, 2014 8:09 PM  

Clearly in this world, the state between Louisiana and New Mexico would be called Trexas.

Anonymous kfg May 21, 2014 8:13 PM  

With enough garlic, onions and cajun spices I'll eat last weeks microceratops scraped off the highway today.

If it's a Texas microceratops it's already cooked, although it might have a bit of an asphalty flavour to it, even with the spices.

Anonymous Salt May 21, 2014 8:37 PM  

Good dinosaur is fine eating.

Blogger Anthony May 21, 2014 8:42 PM  

Bob Mando has a point - science fiction has, at least when it's not just gadget porn, been about problem solving. Though that does mean that K. Solomon is half right - Swirsky's story is *not* science fiction.

Blogger Manach May 21, 2014 8:58 PM  

@Cataline Sergius - Bravo sir, bravo.

Anonymous Tom B May 21, 2014 9:03 PM  

So Vox, I have a question.

Given that the Nebulas are now functionally irrelevant, how long before that irrelevancy translates to an ending to the entire Nebula award program? Will they still have an awards banquet for another 2-3 years, or will they stumble on pathetically for another decade?

I ask because I wonder how long this kind of institution, taken over by the Left in such a Gramski-ite manner, can last without government assistance. I'm betting that the SFWA petitions the NEA for funding and grants once the economic reality of what they have done hits home.

Blogger Cataline Sergius May 21, 2014 9:34 PM  

*bows*

Anonymous Scintan May 21, 2014 9:35 PM  

I ask because I wonder how long this kind of institution, taken over by the Left in such a Gramski-ite manner, can last without government assistance. I'm betting that the SFWA petitions the NEA for funding and grants once the economic reality of what they have done hits home.

The Nobel is still going.

Anonymous dh May 21, 2014 10:10 PM  

Sc.

The nobel has an endowment.

Anonymous Daniel May 21, 2014 10:38 PM  

The nobel has an endowment.

That's sexist.

Anonymous Pseudo-Nate May 21, 2014 11:05 PM  

Somehow I imagine this is what these SFF types are like..

Anonymous kh123 May 21, 2014 11:15 PM  

That's being generous. Those characters were funny, likeable, memorable. Actually making money.

Anonymous Scintan May 21, 2014 11:28 PM  

Sc.

The nobel has an endowment.


The Nobel's money comes from the Nobel foundation, which is a private organization.

Anonymous CarpeOro May 21, 2014 11:39 PM  

Sorry, reading this late at night. Was this the thread about the SWFA or the Republican party? Starting to see a lot of similarities... Which I am sure both would be appalled at the mention of the other.

Anonymous Scintan May 21, 2014 11:46 PM  

Interestingly, in the comments to that post, Will Shetterly is trying to make the claim that the national socialists weren't actually socialists. He does this, of course, while pimping himself as a democratic socialist.

Anonymous Idle Spectator May 22, 2014 12:30 AM  

A gun is not going to work. Do you not remember the game Turok: Dinosaur Hunter? The T-Rex had a laser beam. How about how the raptor had a blue pulse cannon for an arm? What about the triceratops with the grenade launchers and miniguns on the back?

GOD VOX. Some soup intelligence you are.

Anonymous Idle Spectator May 22, 2014 12:37 AM  

Primal Rage

Anyone remember this piece of shit?

Anonymous tiredofitall May 22, 2014 1:17 AM  

"They can hand themselves hundreds of awards, thousands, but they will never receive the respect they so desperately crave." - VD

I know every time I read something put out by the warren all I hear them saying in my head is, "Why don't you love me daddy?!?!"

Anonymous bob k. mando May 22, 2014 1:32 AM  

Scintan May 21, 2014 11:46 PM
Will Shetterly is trying to make the claim that the national socialists weren't actually socialists.



the marxists have been playing that lie since Mussolini in the 1920s. why are you surprised?


Idle Spectator May 22, 2014 12:37 AM
Anyone remember this piece of shit?



sure. it wasn't one of my favorite games but it was no Dragon's Lair. THAT was a piece of shit ... and expensive to boot.



Tom B May 21, 2014 9:03 PM
I ask because I wonder how long this kind of institution, taken over by the Left in such a Gramski-ite manner, can last without government assistance.



here's the problem with your theory:
as Vox has noted previously, they're turning SF/F into the jv version of the Romance genre.

women, as a group, buy more books than men do. it may well be that putting all the sparkily vampire romances and space amoeba tentacle rape stories in the sf/f section will actually increase sales.

whether it does or not, it habituates men to the idea that there's nothing in sf/f worth reading ... because most of what they see winds up being emotionally prepubescent female power fantasies.

which drives the 'sales-to-men' market down close to zero.

i've pointed out before, Romance usually already has more floor space devoted to it than sff/western/men's adventure combined.

sf/f as jv Romance just might be financially viable. whether it is or not, it IS successful at driving men out of yet another public sphere.

things that make you say, "Hmmmmm."

Anonymous GoodOmens May 22, 2014 1:46 AM  

"Apoplectic? Quite the contrary, I am VASTLY amused."

It seems much more along the lines of...obsessed, rather than amused. Like my friend Brinny says, "when a man says goes out of his way to say he is amused, you can be sure he confused."

Anonymous tiredofitall May 22, 2014 3:16 AM  

"It seems much more along the lines of...obsessed, rather than amused. Like my friend Brinny says, "when a man says goes out of his way to say he is amused, you can be sure he confused." - GoodOmens

Well let's see, too short and sane to be Ann Morgan. Use of "obsessed" could mean it's either Tad, or the greatest swords-woman in all of catatonia, or even Obvious. Nah scratch that last one, Obvious seems to stick to one handle and addresses Vox as "blog owner".

So it's either Tad or Yama the space-fucktard. Going by the feminine language patterns...it's still either Tad or Yama the space-fucktard. Although since I didn't fall asleep halfway through reading it, that might just knock Yascinia Heifitz out of the running.

Boy, this is harder than I thought it would be. Anybody have any ideas who this particular sockpuppet may belong to?

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