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Monday, May 04, 2015

Three centuries strong

As Supreme Dark Lord of the Evil Legion of Evil, we are pleased to declare that Malwyn, Whore-Mistress of the Spiked Six-Whip, has reported that she has completed the initial Branding of the Minions. She has now gone to take a well-deserved vacation in one of the more secluded lava pits in our Realm of Deepest Shadow, where she will no doubt be nursing her aching wrists and filing for overtime as well as worker's compensation. 

Speaking of which... don't bite next time, 331. That being said, we are, in our Evil Pleasure, now willing to entertain questions from our newly minted Minions, still Vile and Faceless, but no longer Numberless.

"Supreme Dark Lord, it would be an honor to become a minion of the Evil Legion of Evil."

Naturally. An honor few truly merit, and yet, in Our Dark Grace, we are kind. I think I shall call you... 185.

"What are we supposed to call you?"

Supreme Dark Lord. Although we may be addressed as either "Your Malevolence" or "Shadow of Shadows".

"How many of us are there?"

335 as of this morning. We are reliably informed that the Master of the Hunt is going to have to send out the Hellhounds twice a day to catch enough SJWs to feed you all once a week. Fortunately, Tor Books has just remaindered a good quantity of necrobestials he can use to bait the traps.

"Your Malevolence, if you or Malwyn are accepting ideas for gear, I would buy a pair of steel-toed, black leather jackboots with the "Evil Legion of Evil" logo on the side, and "Dread Ilk" embossed backwards across the front of the toe.  I'm not made of money, but I would shell out upwards of $500 for them."

We refer you to Nero, the Fabulously Evil Style Consultant to the Legion. Despite our Dark Splendour, we are disinclined to concern ourselves with matters sartorial, preferring to focus Our Dark Genius on matters both strategic and sadistic.

"Is the Evil Legion of Evil really evil?"

Let us put it this way. A bona fide Harkonnen is Minion Nr. 250. How evil is THAT?

"Shadow of Shadows, can we use our number here?"

The measure of the depths of my total indifference can only be grasped by contemplating the outer limits of SJW deceit. That being said, it appears the favored usage is "name (#)". Violators will be handed over to the Grand Strategikon for his ongoing experiments in crucifixion variants.

 "The Evil Legion of Evil is the best thing to happen to fandom in a long time. I look forward to the final, high-casualty, low-survival, apocalyptic battle of Total Doom with the wretched SJW hordes, and the post-slaughter bbq & bourbon."

Isn't it though? SJWs make good eating. It's the auto-forcefeeding that makes them so nice and plump. We find we prefer orientationally-challenged female SJWs for Our Dark Table, as they always have such a lovely hint of Doritos flavoring to them.

“Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Vox Day Italia wgah-nagl fhtagn!”

Gesundheit. Alas, Our Many-Tentacled Cousin (by adoption) appears likely to miss the party this year, as we are told he slumbers on beneath the ice, dreaming of wrong-angled R'lyah.

In Certainty of the Dawnless Day on which the Shadow Shall Embrace All,

Vox Day
Supreme Dark Lord
Evil Legion of Evil

Labels:

196 Comments:

Anonymous Passing Comment May 04, 2015 8:14 AM  

Daft, I call it!

Blogger 2Bfree May 04, 2015 8:15 AM  

Too much fun. Too bad SJW's not only take themselves seriously, they may actually believe the ELE cares about them for other than entertainment. It is clear that SJW's don't get that by taking the bait they lost not only the battle, but the war.

Blogger Nate May 04, 2015 8:17 AM  

0001. It so happens I just returned from Ulthar. its a shabby little town... infested with cats.

Well it was.

I killed them all.

Anonymous FrankNorman May 04, 2015 8:19 AM  

2Bfree May 04, 2015 8:15 AM

Too much fun. Too bad SJW's not only take themselves seriously, they may actually believe the ELE cares about them for other than entertainment. It is clear that SJW's don't get that by taking the bait they lost not only the battle, but the war.



If Anonymous Conservative has it right, then the Rabbits, as he calls them, will simply revise reality in their own heads to make themselves feel good.

Such people can seldom be won over by argument.

Anonymous Lulabelle (68) May 04, 2015 8:25 AM  

"orientationally-challenged female SJWs for Our Dark Table, as they always have such a lovely hint of Doritos flavoring to them."

Barf. Take it easy, will ya? It's still morning here.

Blogger LP 999/Eliza May 04, 2015 8:28 AM  

Awesome!

Blogger Student in Blue May 04, 2015 8:32 AM  

#0021. If anyone knows how to change the name on these google-linked accounts, let me know.

To re-dedicate myself to the works of Evil™ and the further works of it, I now vow to only have sex with my future wife (gasp!), and to only have consensual*, missionary-style sex with the lights off (depraved!).



*marriage is blanket consent. :)

Anonymous Cheddarman, vile faceless minion 0187 May 04, 2015 8:34 AM  

Supreme Lord of Evil,

Do we have a theme song?

I would prefer something like the Imperial March from Star Wars.

Blogger Didact May 04, 2015 8:39 AM  

I am #309!

Hail Voxemort in his Unspeakable Evilness!

Seriously, though, Rabid/Sad Puppies are the best things to happen to sci-fi in years. The SJWs are scared witless of us, whereas we simply don't give a toss about them- and that fact drives them insane.

I look forward to seeing Vox tearing apart the next screed from McRapey about how he totally isn't intimidated at all by the Vile Faceless Minions or their Unspeakably Evil leader, and is so not intimidated by it that he spends 500 words explaining how totally non-intimidated he feels.

Blogger 184 May 04, 2015 8:45 AM  

There are so many bons mots here. All minions must LOL! This Faceless One croaks in obeisance to the best one:

The measure of the depths of my total indifference can only be grasped by contemplating the outer limits of SJW deceit.

Signed: 184 (188)

Anonymous Lulabelle (68) May 04, 2015 8:46 AM  

"I would prefer something like the Imperial March from Star Wars."

Wasn't this played at Vox's wedding? If so, he may be partial to it, and you may get your wish.

Anonymous Vile, Faceless, and Numberless Minion May 04, 2015 8:48 AM  

With regards to theme song, I think "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" would be a better choice. Despite its overuse in videos of first person shooter highlight reals, or perhaps because of it...

Blogger Shimshon May 04, 2015 8:59 AM  

Looking forward to Pakman II.

In Evil,

#0004

Anonymous P6 May 04, 2015 9:03 AM  

Well this is different.

Anonymous AlteredFate #92 May 04, 2015 9:07 AM  

Vox is building an army worthy of Mordor.

Blogger jay c May 04, 2015 9:11 AM  

I remember doritos.

Blogger Jim May 04, 2015 9:11 AM  

Gesundheit. Alas, Our Many-Tentacled Cousin (by adoption) appears likely to miss the party this year, as we are told he slumbers on beneath the ice, dreaming of wrong-angled R'lyah.

R'lyah? I thought it was Raleigh. Darn it, I'm in the wrong state.

Blogger Student in Blue May 04, 2015 9:20 AM  

R'lyah? I thought it was Raleigh. Darn it, I'm in the wrong state.

An easy mistake. One can easily see all the tentacles and screams of the innocent and come to the wrong conclusion. You just have to pay close attention to the seasons to mark the difference: R'lyah tends to be a little colder on average.

Anonymous 185 May 04, 2015 9:22 AM  

Supreme Dark Lord, thanks for the shout out.

And greetings fellow vile, faceless minions, especially to my close companions Chedderman (187) and 188!



Anonymous ZhukovG May 04, 2015 9:25 AM  

Alas, I am not much of a joiner. I prefer to work my necromancy in a privacy interrupted, pleasantly enough, only by the occasional unwary traveler.

Blogger Krul May 04, 2015 9:29 AM  

Theme song candidate: When You're Evil by Voltaire

Anonymous Daniel #0189 May 04, 2015 9:29 AM  

Oh. One ate nein! reporting for duty.

My midnight tweet was:

I'm vile minion, yes I'm the real minion. All you other vile minions are just an opinion. Won't the real minion please stand up?

To which #109 replied:

"We don't care."

It is like a damn afterschool special around here, there's so much love and learning.

Please stand up.

Please stand up.

Anonymous dh May 04, 2015 9:34 AM  

I prefer to measure the quantity in percentage of total Worldcon voters. So right now, about 10%.

Anonymous GracieLou May 04, 2015 9:35 AM  

Nate I recommend the Dwelling of Deranged Dog-Dingbats be your next stop as the lunacy therein FAR surpasses the Cray-Ven Cat Caverns of Ulthar. Dogs are portable, leash-able, dress-able, groom-able, rescue-able and take well to human names. Have pity on our subservient cat minions for they are evil and eat plague for lunch, plus they are just a gateway drug to the shrieking insanity of the "Dwelling." When you hear the words, "service animal" and see no blind man, when you hear "Dane rescue" and see no Viking, when you hear the name "Madison" and no human child is forthcoming--know that you are near...and take courage my friend.

Blogger James Dixon May 04, 2015 9:40 AM  

Supreme Dark Lord, private mail coming when I get home from this trip. You may be forced to interrupt Malwyn's well earned rest briefly.

Evil Minion # 33.

Blogger Nate May 04, 2015 9:41 AM  

"I'm vile minion, yes I'm the real minion. All you other vile minions are just an opinion. Won't the real minion please stand up? "

***0001 Stands up***

Anonymous Daniel #0189 May 04, 2015 9:42 AM  

Vox is building an army worthy of Mordor.

Mordor was centralized around its lone vulnerability. This army grows stronger and more effective as it divides. Sauron wishes he had us. We would have had Frodo performing fellatio on a Hugo Award at Bilbo's birthday party in a vain attempt to keep us from knowing about it, then just waited for him to choke on it and die.

Anonymous hausfrau May 04, 2015 9:43 AM  

"SJWs make good eating. It's the auto-forcefeeding that makes them so nice and plump. We find we prefer orientationally-challenged female SJWs for Our Dark Table, as they always have such a lovely hint of Doritos flavoring to them."

Wasn't there a line in an article and week or two ago that mentioned something about licking Theresa Nelsen-Hayden's warty folds? ahh makes vague sense now. cringing....

Blogger Nate May 04, 2015 9:43 AM  

"I prefer to measure the quantity in percentage of total Worldcon voters. So right now, about 10%. "

but for every badged minion... how many remain unbadged?

Anonymous Daniel #0189 May 04, 2015 9:46 AM  

It isn't about the number, Nate.

0001 is no different than 0189.

I mean, except for math and chronology.

Probably just means you get to die first, anyhow.

Blogger Nate May 04, 2015 9:52 AM  

"It isn't about the number, Nate.

0001 is no different than 0189. "

you're jealous as hell.

Anonymous Daniel #0189 May 04, 2015 9:52 AM  

how many remain unbadged?

It's like Pokemon. The kids keep buying em, and the cards keep coming...

Here's the funny thing: it was the SJW reaction that has inspired me more than any SP manifesto ("for the good of the Hugos") ever would have. Every time I mentioned that there was nothing significantly different about this years recommendation lists, the more they screamed "NOT RABBIT!" that I just had to pursue this amusement to its logical conclusion: that is, straight into a luxurious comedy abattoir.

Anonymous Daniel #0189 May 04, 2015 9:54 AM  

you're jealous as hell.

You wouldn't believe how many times these past weeks I've been accused of that, much to my amusement.

Of course, in this single instance, you would be correct.

Anonymous Steveo Minion #238 May 04, 2015 9:54 AM  

Before I didn't care... I didnt' care.

Much thanks to Malwyn!


Blogger Shimshon May 04, 2015 9:59 AM  

"Sauron wishes he had us."

Sauron cares too much.

Blogger Nate May 04, 2015 10:04 AM  

some trufan author actually jazzhands..ed... at me on twitter. All because I happened to point out that in her long ranty blog post complaining about the Puppies being assholes because of slates... she actually asked someone to make her a slate.

Blogger Nate May 04, 2015 10:05 AM  

"Sauron cares too much."

I'm not following anyone stupid enough to leave Mount Doom undefended.

Blogger Owen T. Oloren May 04, 2015 10:07 AM  

Looks like it's set to be the battle of the ages.

In this corner, with a combined strength of 335, we have the Evil Ones, who have heard the duplicitousness of their conspiratorial enemy and have answered in strength. The side united by the fact that they are indeed, "Us".

And in this corner, we have "Them". The SJWs.... but why is that corner empty? Where's the army of SJWs that organized to keep us down? Where are they? They do exist, don't they? Sure, we have no actual evidence of their secretive attempts to organize themselves in order to run our society into ruin, but they must be organized enough to fight this battle? They must exist... where are they? Cowardly and hiding? Bring on the war - where is the SJW organization chart? Maybe our leader can talk to their leader. What? It doesn't exist? Are they hiding in their warren?

SJWs always lie? How about this alternative?

TheBigLie always lies. You've been enlisted to fight against an imaginary enemy.

Blogger Markku May 04, 2015 10:09 AM  

Sauron was SJW. He projected his own solipsism on his enemies. "Since _I_ wouldn't destroy that ring if I had it, obviously no-one else will either. Say, doesn't that Mount Doom look like it would make a nice tourist resort?"

Blogger Owen T. Oloren May 04, 2015 10:10 AM  

@Didact

"The SJWs are scared witless of us, whereas we simply don't give a toss about them- and that fact drives them insane."

This blog would say otherwise.

AbsoluteStatements always lie.
Propaganda always lies.

Anonymous Pete (#334) May 04, 2015 10:10 AM  

"335 as of this morning."

Cool. For about two seconds, I get to be the penultimate minion ...

Blogger Nate May 04, 2015 10:11 AM  

I mean what good does it do to be a giant eye if you don't actually see?

Blogger lubertdas May 04, 2015 10:11 AM  

Evil Minion #55 reporting for duty Great Evil One!

I'm ready, willing, and able to strike fear into the hearts of SJW's, CHORFS, Anti-GamerGaters, and all those who would overthrow or diminish the cause of Western Civilization.

Blogger Markku May 04, 2015 10:11 AM  

Maybe Mount Doom was triggering?

Blogger Nate May 04, 2015 10:12 AM  

"This blog would say otherwise."

oh dammit... Minion 225! Clean up... back of the bus... we've got a window licker.

Blogger Owen T. Oloren May 04, 2015 10:18 AM  

Minion 237! Your tinfoil hat is askew. C'mon man, we're running a revolution here.

Blogger Rabbi B May 04, 2015 10:20 AM  

"Clean up... back of the bus . . "

Back of the short bus.

Anonymous Fred May 04, 2015 10:20 AM  

As a vile faceless minion of the Evil Legion of Evil, I recently found myself at a science fiction convention being lured into the even darker side of darkness in fandom: WorldCon Site Bids. There were representatives from the the various potential WorldCon sites (for 2017, they are Helsinki, Montreal, Nippon, and Washington D.C.) taking advantage of the masses of fans walking past their tables in the dealers area.

The horror! They were using reason, facts, and slick marketing to explain why they think their site is the best choice for WorldCom 2017. I was hoping to see the competing representaives battle it out with bat'leths and lightsabers in their fight to lure in minions to their darker side of darkness. But no, instead they were opening working together to try to get more fans involved with site selection. Saying things like, "Go talk to the other reps and learn more about their site bid, but you will see ours is better." It was so horrific, they were even inviting fans to a party that night to further explain how site selection worked.
--------------------------

Sasquan, the 73rd Worldcon, has the pleasure and the responsibility of administering the selection of the 75th (2017) Worldcon.

To vote in the 2017 Site Selection, you must: 1) be a member of Sasquan (Supporting, Young Adult, Military, or Full Attending), and 2) pay the Advance Supporting Membership (Voting) fee, which provides the individual with a Supporting membership in the winning 2017 bid.

http://sasquan.org/site-selection/

Blogger Chiva May 04, 2015 10:22 AM  

"Back of the short bus."

I like my short bus.

Blogger Owen T. Oloren May 04, 2015 10:23 AM  

When you guys are through admiring each other, there's a war on, and conspiracies to be uncovered.

TheBigLie always lies.

Blogger darkdoc May 04, 2015 10:23 AM  

There are so many bons mots here. All minions must LOL! This Faceless One croaks in obeisance to the best one: Signed: 184 (188)

I am looking at my own badge, it distinctly says #0184. So are you a twin, or an imposter?

Anonymous Minion #111 May 04, 2015 10:24 AM  

Owen T. Oloren

I fart in your general direction
now go away

Blogger Vile Faceless Minion #0066 May 04, 2015 10:25 AM  

***0001 Stands up***

We couldn't tell. Try standing on your chair next time.

Blogger automatthew 0062 May 04, 2015 10:27 AM  

Gammas like Big O here can't stand for others to have fun.

Blogger IM2L844 May 04, 2015 10:27 AM  

Alas, I am not much of a joiner. I prefer to work my necromancy in a privacy interrupted, pleasantly enough, only by the occasional unwary traveler.

You may be a candidate for adoption into Cognate 1337 who are without number and answer to no one, but are open to suggestions.

Blogger Vile Faceless Minion #0066 May 04, 2015 10:28 AM  

Scoobius, the thorazine only works if you TAKE it.

Anonymous Minion #0172 May 04, 2015 10:28 AM  

This minion will be doing incognito reconnaissance during Days 1 to 3 at Sasquan, but shall reveal himself in all his obsequious, self-flagellating unworthiness at the Hugo Awards. Heh! Heh!

Blogger automatthew 0062 May 04, 2015 10:33 AM  

"If anyone knows how to change the name on these google-linked accounts, let me know."

Student in Blue, follow this link https://www.blogger.com/edit-profile.g.


Anonymous MendoScot #0012 May 04, 2015 10:36 AM  

No deed too dirty!

My Dorrito stuffing laced with diced Scotch bonnet and avgas is ready. Let the Master of Hounds bring them in twitching.

Anonymous mistaben (197) May 04, 2015 10:36 AM  

No no, darkdoc, haven't you read the latest edition of Minion's Weekly? The pattern is clearly "name (number)," so you see that minion #188 has posted under the name "184."

Now that's dark.

Blogger Student in Blue (#21) May 04, 2015 10:39 AM  

@automatthew 0062

Thank you for the URL. No thank you for the picture. :)

Anonymous AlteredFate #92 May 04, 2015 10:39 AM  

@Daniel #0189

Worthy of Morgoth?

Blogger Dominic Saltarelli May 04, 2015 10:40 AM  

Gesundheit

I lol'd

Blogger YIH #666 May 04, 2015 10:41 AM  

Someone had to claim it.

Blogger Markku May 04, 2015 10:43 AM  

Trying to "claim" a number from the Supreme Dark Lord is a very bad idea, YIH.

Anonymous #126 May 04, 2015 10:46 AM  

One hell of a good way to start the day, Supreme Dark Lord.

Anonymous Minion #0172 May 04, 2015 10:51 AM  

I wonder if it has dawned on Scalzi that he will never win a Hugo again?

We may not have enough votes to keep him off the ballot, but we surely do have enough to make sure he never gets enough to win!

Unless, of course, he actually writes something worthy of the award, which is about as likely as Seanan McGuire refusing seconds at Golden Corral.

Blogger Vox May 04, 2015 10:59 AM  

Someone had to claim it.

That's Bane's number. Now, when Malwyn gets back, she'll explain to you how this "minion" thing works. With the spiked six-whip.

Blogger Vox May 04, 2015 11:00 AM  

I wonder if it has dawned on Scalzi that he will never win a Hugo again?

Unless, of course, we nominate everything he writes for Hugos and make sure he ends up with more nominations than Heinlein, Asimov, and Clarke combined.

Anonymous Minion #0172 May 04, 2015 11:04 AM  

Woe to he that strikes at the Supreme Dark Lord without effect!

Anonymous daddynichol May 04, 2015 11:05 AM  

daddynichol #126 shall commence to construct EEEeeevil flying devices more lethal and nefarious than those lame flying monkeys!

Blogger Markku May 04, 2015 11:08 AM  

If I read that right, "malwyn" would seem to mean "friend of evil"

Anonymous daddynichol #126 May 04, 2015 11:08 AM  

OTO says, "I want to hijack the thread again and make it about MEeeeeeee!"

Blogger Gordon May 04, 2015 11:11 AM  

I suppose minions could all vote to nominate a particularly insipid blog post in the "related works" category. Would he be smart enough to decline the nomination?

Anonymous Daniel #0189 May 04, 2015 11:14 AM  

I don't think Scalzi is planning to write much more science fiction anyhow. His next OMW book is tying off the series "for now," and Tor's farewell book tour to him wasn't exactly a morale-boosting endorsement of his sales. Diminishing returns have appeared to have moved him over to television.

Besides, he's running out of classics to retread, and George Lucas already beat him to the punch on rendering Star Wars a banal and pointless "comedy." So, no "Forceshirts" will be forthcoming, although that might be a suitable sequel.

Anonymous Donn #0114 May 04, 2015 11:17 AM  

Are we sure Malwyn doesn't have six tits? Because that's a lot more evil than a six tipped whip. Why can't she have both? Multiple nipples are signs of the Dark One's influence. And yes I do care about the nice firm six tits.

Blogger Markku May 04, 2015 11:18 AM  

Scalzi is an entertaining whipping boy to be sure, but I don't think he should play any role other than unwitting support in Puppies. He's just not that important in the grand scheme of things.

Anonymous Sensei May 04, 2015 11:21 AM  

TheBigLie always lies. You've been enlisted to fight against an imaginary enemy.

If he's imaginary why do I hear him buzzing around the porchlight?

Blogger Student in Blue (#21) May 04, 2015 11:21 AM  

In before:
"Pfft, yeah right, as if Vox and his cronies have been around for 300 years."

Blogger Noah B #120 May 04, 2015 11:24 AM  

"#0021. If anyone knows how to change the name on these google-linked accounts, let me know."

Go to your Google+ Profile and click on the display of your name. That will allow you to change it.

Blogger Noah B #120 May 04, 2015 11:24 AM  

Just a moment too late, I see.

Anonymous Steve May 04, 2015 11:28 AM  

"Pfft, yeah right, as if Vox and his cronies have been around for 300 years."

Who do you think killed the dinosaurs?

Blogger IM2L844 May 04, 2015 11:29 AM  

Unless, of course, we nominate everything he writes for Hugos and make sure he ends up with more nominations than Heinlein, Asimov, and Clarke combined.

Thus forcing him to either openly accept or decline a Puppy nomination. A win/win scenario, for us. Genius.

Blogger automatthew 0062 May 04, 2015 11:35 AM  

Follow my link anyway #120. It'll be good for you.

Blogger YIH May 04, 2015 11:43 AM  

Removed.

Anonymous Difster #109 May 04, 2015 11:49 AM  

Minion? Out of band communication channel HERE.

Blogger Blackburn #0040 May 04, 2015 11:56 AM  

Minion? Out of band communication channel HERE.

Shouldn't that be on facelessbook?

Blogger Blackburn #0040 May 04, 2015 11:57 AM  

Follow my link anyway #120. It'll be good for you.

My, my, aren't we feeling evil today...

Anonymous Gecko #0024 May 04, 2015 11:57 AM  

Hail Voxemort in his Unspeakable Evilness!

Is it just me, or has Scalzi actually been using Vox's name more than usual lately? Perhaps he's now afraid his little nickname thing doesn't sit well with all the new voters. It doesn't exactly help SJW attempts to claim moral superiority now, does it?

Anonymous Jack Amok May 04, 2015 11:57 AM  

0001 is no different than 0189. "

If a minion wants the number of another minion, all he has to do is kill the other minion in single combat. Or by ambush, either one works. Then devour his liver and take the number.

I don't expect killing Nate would be easy, but choking down his liver might be an even tougher challenge.

And I wonder how many drive-by SJWs are looking at the title of this blog post and scoffing "they haven't been around three hundred years..."

Blogger Student in Blue (#21) May 04, 2015 11:58 AM  

Who do you think killed the dinosaurs?

Correia and his merry crew, of course.

Blogger Russell May 04, 2015 11:59 AM  

$40 is exceptionally undervalued for the amount entertainment this has already provided. And I haven't read the nominated works yet. #0106

Blogger Rabbi B May 04, 2015 12:00 PM  

I am not really sure why, but my minion badge wasn't like any of the others . . .

https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-Exk-SjuJR5E/VUeWMWLhjpI/AAAAAAAAAQE/vSbl4AGk2Pk/w375-h421-no/jude2.gif

Anonymous T May 04, 2015 12:04 PM  

So SJWs just don't exist according to Owie.

I suppose all those fire alarms pulled themselves, and bomb threats called themselves in to disrupt gamergate meetups and conservative talks at colleges.

Sure, you can easily look up SJWs writing screeds about being proud social justice stormtroopers dedicated to making traditional Americans politically powerless, you can easily find them chattering with each other about detonating the Hugos...but they don't exist.

Quite simply, Owie is a binary thinker who cannot understand probability. Like most idiot leftist binary thinkers, he thinks others are all binary thinkers too.

"TheBigLie always lies"

What the Hell does this even mean? Vox is right, you just love to hear yourself talk. You aren't even entertaining. Go away.

Anonymous AlteredFate #92 May 04, 2015 12:04 PM  

Rabbi B, now that is some funny shit!

Blogger Salt #0008 May 04, 2015 12:06 PM  

I don't expect killing Nate would be easy, but choking down his liver might be an even tougher challenge.

Would that be with fave beans? And a good Chianti?

Anonymous Difster May 04, 2015 12:06 PM  

I had already declared Facebook to be Faceless Book by unanimous minion decree so that's not a problem.

Anonymous Lulabelle (68) May 04, 2015 12:09 PM  

"Would that be with fave beans? And a good Chianti?"

I get the reference, but you might get shot for that.
I think Nate's liver would require bourbon as the beverage of choice.

Blogger Good Will May 04, 2015 12:11 PM  

I was recently excommunicated from the Mormon Church for apostasy. Does that make me "evil" enough to join the Dread Ilk? If so, what is my number?

Blogger ThirdMonkey May 04, 2015 12:12 PM  

I know I'm a little late to the party, but I brought the cream cheese and salsa. Cream cheese, salsa. In that order.

Let's feast!!

Anonymous Michael Maier May 04, 2015 12:19 PM  

We couldn't tell. Try standing on your chair next time.

066 IS greater than 001.

Anonymous Viidad (Vile Faceless Minion #0156) May 04, 2015 12:19 PM  

@Rabbi B

I laughed out loud.

Blogger Markku May 04, 2015 12:21 PM  

Haha, Good Will the Third Mormon. Excommunicated. It seems like all our religious cliques are trios. Well, clearly the Mormons need to recruit now.

Blogger Cail Corishev May 04, 2015 12:24 PM  

It isn't about the number, Nate.

All numbers are special. Because if you find a number that's not special, then it's special by dint of being the first non-special number.

Anonymous Huckleberry (#87) -- est. 1977 May 04, 2015 12:27 PM  

Who do you think killed the dinosaurs?

It wasn't five guys with pool cues, if my reading of Hugo-Award winning science fiction is any indication.

Blogger Bodichi (0031) May 04, 2015 12:33 PM  

I want to see the crack team Scalzi puts together to infiltrate the lair of the ELE.

Blogger Student in Blue (#21) May 04, 2015 12:34 PM  

It wasn't five guys with pool cues, if my reading of Hugo-Award winning science fiction is any indication.

That story was only nominated, not awarded. It won a Nebula though.

Blogger Michelle *Minion #311* May 04, 2015 12:36 PM  

So pleased to be #311. We roll as a team, husband and I. We are definitely looking forward to attending Sasquan, with the Patch of Doom somewhere on an article of clothing in a prominent place.

Blogger M Hamel May 04, 2015 12:38 PM  

Minion 307 Reporting, where the SWJs at?

Blogger 184 (188) May 04, 2015 12:44 PM  

mistaben (197) gets it in one! That said, darkdoc, faceless minions sew (not sow!) chaos and disruption wherever they post. This is just my little faceless, offering.

Dark, hah?

Anonymous Huckleberry (#87) -- est. 1977 May 04, 2015 12:44 PM  

That story was only nominated, not awarded. It won a Nebula though.

I'm sorry. It was frankly so awesome I just, you know, assumed...

I want to see the crack team Scalzi puts together to infiltrate the lair of the ELE.

His wife, his daughter, the dog, Jim Hines in high heels and whoever he happens to owe a medium-sized favor to in Ground Forces.

Blogger Danby May 04, 2015 12:44 PM  

Theme song:

Help I'm stepping into the twilight zone
Place is a madhouse feels like being cloned
My beacon's been moved under moon and star
Where am I to go now that I've gone too far
So you'll come to know
When the bullet hits the bone
So you'll come to know
When the bullet hits the bone

Or maybe

Marching on a dusty road
They are on their way to Rome
Countless slaves to go to war
And they are fighting not alone


yeah, too Boomer., fuck you.

Anonymous Minion #0172 May 04, 2015 12:46 PM  

Minions!

Those of us minions attending Sasquan incognito need a super secret password or hand signal to identify ourselves to others.

Suggestions?

Blogger 184 (188) May 04, 2015 12:48 PM  

"All numbers are special."

Well aren't we all just sooo fucking special today!

Blogger Markku May 04, 2015 12:49 PM  

hand signal

Extended middle finger. Remember to try it with everyone, see who's minion.

Anonymous buzzcut #207 May 04, 2015 12:50 PM  

Sasquan 2015 Registrar: "Qualifications?"

Minion #207: "Rape, murder, arson, and rape."

Sasquan 2015 Registrar: "You said rape twice."

Minion #207: "I like rape."

Blogger Student in Blue (#21) May 04, 2015 12:51 PM  

A lot of customers today were Dread Ilk in hiding! I gave them the hand signal and they responded with it right back.

I feel so special surrounded by brethren.

Blogger Markku May 04, 2015 12:51 PM  

A TruMinion will respond with two extended middle fingers. Because ELoE always escalates.

Anonymous Mike M. (#315) May 04, 2015 12:51 PM  

Wouldn't the SJW blood dripping from the hands of True Minions be signal enough?

Blogger Student in Blue (#21) May 04, 2015 12:52 PM  

Wouldn't the SJW blood dripping from the hands of True Minions be signal enough?

Of course not, that's terrible table manners. Lick your hands clean at least.

Blogger darkdoc May 04, 2015 12:54 PM  

This is just my little faceless, offering. Dark, hah?

The darkness is deep and foreboding in this one, my precious.

Blogger Russell May 04, 2015 12:56 PM  

"Do you even lift, bro?"

Blogger 184 (188) May 04, 2015 1:02 PM  

The Supreme Dark Lord, his Malevolence, the Shadow of Shadows misspoke here. He meant to say "three Centuriae strong," each of which is presumably commanded by an evil, faceless Centurion minion....

All of whom were transported back in time 300 years...to kill off the dinosaurs.

Blogger Nate May 04, 2015 1:05 PM  

we've been over this. The minion anthem is Teen Angst

Blogger Student in Blue (#21) May 04, 2015 1:07 PM  

Did You Know: The tale of the 300 Spartans is a prophecy of the Dread Ilk. However tale-tellers decided the enemy wasn't nearly threatening enough so they upgraded them from a handful of narcissistic androgynous neurotypes plus useful idiots into a mighty horde.

Blogger Laramie Hirsch May 04, 2015 1:21 PM  

Let it begin.

Hirsch
#0270

Blogger Feather Blade May 04, 2015 1:23 PM  

Hey, somebody took a picture of you lot already:
http://cheezburger.com/8360028672

Blogger WATYF #222 May 04, 2015 1:30 PM  

If anyone knows how to change the name on these google-linked accounts, let me know.

Go here: https://www.blogger.com/edit-profile.g

Change the Display name.

WATYF

Blogger Corvinus May 04, 2015 1:39 PM  

@WATYF
Google+ complains at you if you try to enter a number as your last name.

I did make my minion badge my Google+ profile picture and Disqus avatar. After all, I am Faceless.

Minion #0333

Blogger Nate May 04, 2015 1:40 PM  

"Minion #0333"

So you're half evil.

Blogger Darth Toolpodicus (#144) May 04, 2015 1:40 PM  

My oldest daughter, minionette #335, is spreading the words of dark majestic maleficence in her school as we speak. Her English teacher knew of the Supreme Dark Lord already...

Blogger VD May 04, 2015 1:47 PM  

Clever girl. "Daddy, it's not my fault I got a D. My teacher HATES Vox!"

Blogger Daniel May 04, 2015 1:48 PM  

Teen Angst may be the anthem, but the only march that is going to get me moving lockstep is Where There's a Whip, There's A Way.

Blogger Super Snake (VFM #239) May 04, 2015 1:49 PM  

This ingenious number system has caused many Dread Ilk (such as myself) to emerge from the shadows, disgustingly vicious and foaming at the mouth.

Blogger Corvinus May 04, 2015 2:21 PM  

"Minion #0333"

So you're half evil.


Half as evil as the Antichrist, it would seem.

Anonymous Donn #0114 May 04, 2015 2:22 PM  

First, wipe your hands on the table cloth it's what it's there for. Second, "Immigrant Song" is our anthem. I don't care what anyone else says it's about burning down an entire civilization then rebuilding it better.

Besides SJWs would never be caught dead in a group of Nordic, male, military type guys set out for pillage, rapine, arson, and more rape.

You can have my broadsword when you pry it from my cold dead fist.

And I still don't care.

Blogger Danby May 04, 2015 2:34 PM  

You can have my broadsword when you pry it from my cold dead fist."

They can have mine when they pry it from their own skull.

Anonymous Zion's Paladin (#122) May 04, 2015 2:35 PM  

This ingenious number system has caused many Dread Ilk (such as myself) to emerge from the shadows, disgustingly vicious and foaming at the mouth.

Indeed. This is the first time in a long time that I have been motivated to do anything in this fight. Now in addition to my brand new minion number, I have a shiny Sasquan registration to go with it.

I must say that all the brouhaha is a steal at $40. Plus I get to read so many awesome stories, for the first time no less? Bargains like this are once in a lifetime.

Anonymous Darth Toolpodicus (#144) May 04, 2015 2:43 PM  

That she is. I'll be waiting for the "see? Just another example of the (SJW) MAN keeping a minionette down!"

Anonymous Darth Toolpodicus (#144) May 04, 2015 2:47 PM  

Actually, she just told me that upon explaining the ELoE and being assigned a minion number, her teacher's reply was: "that's cool!".

So either we have a Black Swan event..
Or a pending D in freshman English.

Anonymous Donn #0114 May 04, 2015 3:01 PM  

Danby that's the spirit. All their grandfathers died of old age so they'll never see valhalla.

Blogger Stilicho #0066 May 04, 2015 3:02 PM  

It's a measure of people who don't understand,
the pleasures of life in a Minion war band.
Got my first rifle when I was just nine,
There are many like her, but this one is mine.

Vera, your groups are so tight,
Fate should've gave you a Trijicon sight...

Blogger Rabbi B May 04, 2015 3:10 PM  

"Got my first rifle when I was just nine,
There are many like her, but this one is mine."

This is my weapon, this is my gun
This is for killing, this is for fun . . .

Anonymous Banjo May 04, 2015 3:15 PM  

#0131 - Behold the crypto-palindrome!

Viewed as text it is naught but an ordinary string. View it as an integer, however, and be ensorcelled by it's left-to-right and right-to-left symmetry!

Oh thank you Your Malevolence for bestowing such great power upon your lowly vile faceless minstrel... I mean minion.

Blogger Arborist #232 May 04, 2015 3:40 PM  

A group I joined because you stand for everything I stand for. Cheers-

Anonymous Jourdan #200 May 04, 2015 3:53 PM  

Thank you, Supreme Dark Lord.

Now, since I'm #200, I am clearly a Centurion. Numbers 201-299, I expect you to *shine*.

Anonymous SirHamster #201 May 04, 2015 4:04 PM  

Now, since I'm #200, I am clearly a Centurion. Numbers 201-299, I expect you to *shine*.

Fancy that. #201 reporting for duty.

Anonymous RedJack #22 May 04, 2015 4:21 PM  

This has been a rather entertaining game.

For $40, I get to vote on the Hugo's, vote on the 2017 location, and get some great books to read.

All this and plenty of website angst.

Blogger Markku May 04, 2015 4:22 PM  

About that... Can we minionize the Hugos to Helsinki?

Blogger Arborist (#232) May 04, 2015 4:23 PM  

Soon enough every Minion will get to know their immediate sequential neighbors. 231, 233, where you at?

Blogger Markku May 04, 2015 4:32 PM  

I'm asking for patriotic and not-evil reasons, of course.

Anonymous Supernaut May 04, 2015 4:32 PM  

#0223 signed up and ready to bathe in SJW tears.

Blogger Blume May 04, 2015 4:33 PM  

I got bad news for you 200. Since we started with nate at 1 it is obvious that the 001s are the centurions. So 201 is the leader of the 200's and you ate the last of the 100's.

Blogger Blume May 04, 2015 4:34 PM  

Right. It had nothing to do with being in walking distance of your secret lair.

Blogger Eskyman May 04, 2015 5:18 PM  

Well sharpen my fangs! Minion #0276 having rabbit for dinner tonight! Hmmm... maybe a Stilton sauce, with a touch of Tobasco....

Blogger Azimus May 04, 2015 5:24 PM  

Since there is a half-cohort of minions now, I would like to take the opportunity to make some suggestions to same minions to ensure success in battle order. Perhaps other more accomplished minions can give counsel as well (inspired by Peter Jackson):

1. Stay in formation. You don't have eyes in the back of your head, which means you can (and many frequently do) lose that same head to an enemy blade. Look, we line up with all the horns and flags and stuff for a reason, might as well take advantage.

2. Don't kill/eat other minions. They might smell bad, look worse, and talk like a cockney with a plugged nose and you might hate them almost as much as you hate the enemy, but its really counterproductive for the Supreme Dark Lord for his troops to be slaughtering/eating each other, don't you think?

3. Focus on what you're doing. Screeching and howling sounds cool but it usually means you're not thinking about the enemy. This is when you get an arrow between the eyes.

4. Short, quick swordstrokes - too many minions are disemboweled or otherwise slain with weapons high above their heads in lumberjack poses, exposing their midsection. Keep yourself on the ground Konan. Which reminds me:

5. Your armor, while cool looking, sucks. Depend on it at your peril. Might be better to simply use cover while advancing rather than predictably charging into an arrowstorm.

6. Killing enemy commanders. Don't gloat, snarl, growl, pace, circle, celebrate or pontificate. Don't enjoy the moment, just kill him. And if he's still gasping/groaning/etc., don't just stand there like a moron within arm's reach waiting - attack him again, or alternatively, take a few steps back. It could save your life.

Am I forgetting anything?

Blogger SirHamster (#201) May 04, 2015 5:26 PM  

I got bad news for you 200. Since we started with nate at 1 it is obvious that the 001s are the centurions. So 201 is the leader of the 200's and you ate the last of the 100's.

First day on the job and already promoted, woot!

Wait, that just means more responsibilities ....

Dangit! I'm a minion so I can have all the fun of executing Evil plans without doing the planning!

Anonymous WaterBoy (nan) May 04, 2015 5:26 PM  

Gecko #0024: "Perhaps he's now afraid his little nickname thing doesn't sit well with all the new voters. It doesn't exactly help SJW attempts to claim moral superiority now, does it?"

Especially now that GRRM has officially frowned on name-calling....

Blogger Chiva May 04, 2015 5:36 PM  

"Especially now that GRRM has officially frowned on name-calling...."

WDC - 'We Don't Care'

Anonymous WaterBoy (nan) May 04, 2015 5:39 PM  

...but they do.

Blogger Danby May 04, 2015 6:05 PM  

@Azimus,
1) Fuck you sir!
2)Fuck you sir!
3)Fuck you sir!
4)Fuck you sir!
5)Fuck you sir
6)Fuck you sir!

We
Don't
Care!

Blogger Remo - Faceless Vile Minion #99 May 04, 2015 6:10 PM  

Thank you your Malevolence. The scent of my burned rotting flesh drinking in the molten iron of the brand still fills my nostrils as of today. If ever there was a greatest moment in the life of this vile faceless pit spawn May 2 was it - when the attachment was opened and my clock radio immediately started playing "A Night on Bald Mountain".

Blogger Subversive Saint #249 May 04, 2015 6:33 PM  

It was with a dark sense of joy (yes that is possible for evil minions) that I received my mark as Minion #0249.

Subversive Saint #0249.

All hail Vox.


p.s. Is there any plans on organizing us along geographic lines? Perhaps guild divisions would be best.

Blogger Blume May 04, 2015 6:39 PM  

Obviously Texas and Finland have the best minions.

Anonymous AussieTom #306 May 04, 2015 6:41 PM  

Happy with my number. Tell Malwyn to flog some imps while relaxing in her pool of lava.

That idea for awarding Scalzi all the hugo awards appeals to me..... the question is, would he accept the nominations or withdraw?

Anonymous Anonymous May 04, 2015 7:00 PM  

How can I become an evil minion of evil?

Anonymous Hanzo May 04, 2015 7:02 PM  

How can I become an evil minion of evil?

Anonymous Corvinus (Minion #333) May 04, 2015 7:07 PM  

@Hanzo

This round of recruiting is over, so it would appear you're SOL. Maybe later.

Don't feel too bad, though, as I almost blanked out this round too.

Anonymous Discard May 04, 2015 7:13 PM  

VD: Sorry to be the joker in the deck, but how do I get myself a number? I'm adept enough to send e-mail, read internet articles, and comment on blogs, but I've not found out how to enlist. When I go to Email Vox at the top left, I'm told that there's no such e-mail. I'm stumped.

Blogger Danby May 04, 2015 7:17 PM  

@Hanzo
"How can I become an evil minion of evil?"

It's a question we've all asked ourselves.
You must first of all look inside. Way down deep in the very blackest heart of your soul, This takes time, two or three minutes at least. There you will find the contempt. Once you have found your contempt, go in search of SJWs and the butthurt outrage. Once you have found the target, the the contempt flow forth
Become a conduit of the contempt, giving it color and force. Do not try to direct where and to whom it would go, but become one with the contempt. for the contempt will flow whether you will it to or no. It must flow through you.
Do not let the contempt become anger. Anger is for enemies. These are the anklebiters, the gammas, the gender-confused it-girls of justice and fairness. They don't deserve your anger. Besides, anger kills the lulz.

"They also serve who only point and mock."

Blogger Danby May 04, 2015 7:19 PM  

@Discard
You really can't translate voxday-at-gmail-dot-com into an email address?

Wow, just wow. I can't even-

Blogger Arborist (#232) May 04, 2015 7:21 PM  

a nod to Supernaut.

Anonymous Hanzo May 04, 2015 7:23 PM  

I was wondering the same as Discard. How does one get a number?

Anonymous Discard May 04, 2015 7:42 PM  

Danby: I did exactly as you say, wrote voxday@gmail.com. At the top it says that Malwyn SixTits has caught up with the applications, which should mean that I've gotten an e-mail response, but I've not. However, in keeping with the popular definition of insanity, I shall repeat the same action in hopes of a different result.

OpenID thetroll May 04, 2015 7:59 PM  

> We refer you to Nero, the Fabulously Evil Style Consultant to the Legion.

#0221 humbly suggests we adopt these flame boots as our official footwear. That's what I wear when I go full rivethead.

Blogger automatthew 0062 May 04, 2015 8:00 PM  

Discard,

Be patient. Vox receives a large number of emails per day, on a presumably large number of different topics.

When he gives out Malwyn's personal email address, well then you can complain. If you dare.

Anonymous buzzcut #207 May 04, 2015 8:36 PM  

In Leetspeak, my minion number spells ZOT, which if memory serves was one of the made-up violence graphics words from the Batman series from the 60's.

PORP!
FOOOOB!
COOZE!
ZOT!
FLANGE!

Blogger Colonel Troll May 04, 2015 8:44 PM  

#0268 here.

I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed, or numbered! I am not a number. I am a free man!

Long time reader, and this mix up has been a cruel entertainment.

I don't care, but I will be voting. :-)

Anonymous TheVillageIdiot(Ret.) May 04, 2015 9:02 PM  

177 of 0

As always,
I was never here,
And I'm not here now.

DannyR

Blogger Ragin' Dave May 04, 2015 9:08 PM  

#274 reporting.

Don't post often. Lurk most the time. Kinda like a sniper. Heh.

Blogger Super Snake (VFM #239) May 04, 2015 9:24 PM  

@buzzcut #207

I believe the proper effect you are searching for is ZOCK or maybe SOCK. I never recall a ZOT. But don’t worry, you can still maintain the minion identity of a hard blow to the (head, face, chin, neck, gut, genitals) if you so desire. I apologize for busting your bubble, but a minion should not let his fellow minions be misinformed.

Perhaps each and every minion should add a classical Batman onomatopoeia to their minion identity. I’m sure there are enough to go around.

#239

Anonymous Tar Heel May 04, 2015 9:34 PM  

Ah, I know I'm Vile Faceless Minion #0245 and part of a wicked, disposable lot of underlings, but is there any chance someone can spare a haunch of passive-aggressive anti-#GamerGater? John C. Wright only offers scraps.

Anonymous Culture War Draftee May 04, 2015 9:58 PM  

#151 reporting for duty. I gotta say, a Vile Faceless Minion badge draws a lot of attention. There's some badge envy out there.

Anonymous VFM.0157 fka Forrest Bishop May 04, 2015 10:14 PM  

"I wonder if it has dawned on Scalzi that he will never win a Hugo again?"

Unless, of course, we nominate everything he writes for Hugos and make sure he ends up with more nominations than Heinlein, Asimov, and Clarke combined.-Shadow of Shadows

And for Best Editor, Best Artist, Best Fanboy... Who needs nukes on orbit when we have antimatter bombs in orthogonal dimensions?

Blogger Patrikbc May 04, 2015 10:51 PM  

Aw F@$k it, you might as well just give me a badge number , I can't get my emails to send on this Ipad.

Anonymous Sir Wilshire (#320) May 04, 2015 11:05 PM  

I've been reading here for a couple years and have posted a few times in the last six months as "Clint." I noticed last time though there was already another Clint, so I'll start using my gaming handle. I've profited quite a bit from Vox's thoughts on economics and Aristotle on dialectic/rhetoric.

I was also already a sci-fi/fantasy fan, albeit not too widely read in it. So I've really been enjoying all the Hugo stuff too. After I get through some more classics I've been made aware of here, I know where I'll be going for some modern books in the genre. I am going to get a supporting membership so the packet will be an exception...

Blogger bob k. mando May 04, 2015 11:36 PM  

Markku May 04, 2015 12:51 PM
A TruMinion will respond with two extended middle fingers. Because ELoE always escalates.



i'm the kind of guy who would show up in a Gamma Rabbit shirt ... and spend all my time hanging out with Minions.

just to fuck with the SJWs.

Blogger MidKnight (#138) May 05, 2015 12:56 AM  

@Krul

Excellent suggestion for a theme song. As much as I like some of the others (Twilight Zone, forex) it's just more... fitting.

Blogger MidKnight (#138) May 05, 2015 12:57 AM  

Also - I can't speak for people using their G+ profiles, but for people using blogger google profiles, edit your profile and display name there

Blogger ajw308 May 05, 2015 1:26 AM  

Who needs nukes on orbit when we have antimatter bombs in orthogonal dimensions?
If you have the hardware, you can set a series of tachyon pulses to converge on the point of the timeline he exists on and crush it out of existence, then from that point on, he'll simple cease to exist.

Blogger ajw308 May 05, 2015 1:27 AM  

I'm just not feeling merciful enough to do it.

Blogger Kels (#308) May 05, 2015 2:10 AM  

Vile Faceless Minion #0308, crawling out from lurking in the shadows long enough to claim my badge.

Blogger Shimshon May 05, 2015 2:36 AM  

"About that...Can we minionize the Hugos to Helsinki?"

Markku, I'm with you that Helsinki is a fine choice for the 2017 con.

But it would be even tastier (heh) if the Supreme Dark Lord himself endorsed the selection. The coincidence of it being both the "location" of Castalia House as well as on the shortlist is too precious to ignore. Imagine the spasms of horror he would invoke by doing so. The SJW backlash (it's so predictable bookies won't even take bets) would be epic.

Blogger Remo - Faceless Vile Minion #99 May 05, 2015 5:39 AM  

I have sinned. I changed my Google moniker to "Faceless Vile Minion" when my badge of malevolence and accompaniing brand clearly reads "Vile Faceless Minion". I cannot conceive of what merciless horrors await for this infraction - this... mistake. Let my distant howls of pain and shrieks of agony serve as a warning to the rest of the hive. This will be corrected as soon as I can pry the flaming ice picks from beneath my fingernails

Anonymous Fred May 05, 2015 9:14 AM  

@Shimshon

Looks like Helsinki is going all out in their bid. They had a representative and table in the dealers room at the convention I just attended in Florida.

Blogger Martinez June 25, 2016 7:35 AM  


Thanks for sharing this list. Very grateful. I work at mobile app testing company where i think it will be definitely useful.

Minion Mobile Cover

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