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Saturday, June 27, 2015

The Tale of the Herald

A Parable by Cataline Sergius

The vast fires of the besiegers blanketed the once-beautiful plains surrounding Tor Keep as far as the eye could see, glowing a hellish red-orange against a sky so dark from the smoke that mid-day appeared to be twilight. The black legions of Evil chanted, "he rises! he rises!" as the massive flaming boulders from their gigantic trebuchets crashed into the Embarrassed-To-Be-So-White walls of Tor Keep. Huge scorpios launched terrible bolts big enough to impale an elephant, or even a Swirsky.

The high walls of the keep, once thought to be completely impenetrable, now showed massive cracks, They were the result of the thunderous barrage of the mighty siege engines arrayed on every side, as well as the cunning mines dug  by the minions of the Supreme Dark Lord, which was totally unfair because they were so good at math.

The defenders of the walls valiantly rained insults and condescension down upon their vile faceless attackers, though despair now gripped every heart. The Embarrassed-To-Be-So-White walls were crumbling despite the tireless efforts of the Diversity Wizards to magically reinforce them.

Far back from the fighting and deep within the bowels of The Tower That Jordan Built, two herald-minions of the Dread Lord stood before the women of the All-White-But-Nevertheless-Incredibly-Inclusive-and-Diverse-Because-They-Have-One-Gay-Asian-Guy-From-Silicon-Valley Council.

Their beautiful-in-a-very-different-way queen, Toadina the Squat, rose slowly from her heavily reinforced throne, prompting great waves of magnificently turbulent fat to roll back and forth across her massive belly like an indecisive tsunami. She delicately cleaned one squinting yellow eye with an elegant stroke of her forked tongue before clearing her swollen throat.

She addressed the heralds in an imperious manner. "Here are the merciful terms we offer for your complete and unconditional surrender. Behead your leaders. Kill one in ten of the vile minions. Hand over two-thirds of your lands as well as all your present and future spawn. Admit your beliefs are sexist, racist, homophobic, and outdated, and renounce them. Then castrate yourselves. In exchange we promise... to like you. A little."

Blinking in astonishment, the two heralds looked at each other. Their faces twitched, and they appeared to be restraining deep emotion, but was it futile defiance or humble gratitude? Finally, mastering himself, the one with the number 289 branded on his right cheek stepped forward.

"I am sorry, Madam, but you appear to have mistaken us for Republicans."

Labels: ,

97 Comments:

Blogger Edd Jobs June 27, 2015 3:14 PM  

Bravo!

Anonymous dying sjw June 27, 2015 3:17 PM  

You can... Burn and pillage... The lawns around our castle but... They will still be... Really... Big

Blogger Mad Dok Rob June 27, 2015 3:22 PM  

ok, put me down for one preoder of that novella when it is published.

Anonymous Ron June 27, 2015 3:27 PM  

Well done and well played.

Anonymous #0261 June 27, 2015 3:33 PM  

Outstanding! The punchline was fantastic and very pointed.

Blogger Thucydides June 27, 2015 3:38 PM  

Hahahahahahahah....gasp

Anonymous patrick kelly June 27, 2015 3:41 PM  

heh...

We're not Republicans
and we don't care....

Blogger Salt June 27, 2015 3:48 PM  

Ouch! The punchline.

Blogger #0006 Hammer June 27, 2015 3:49 PM  

Encore Cataline

Blogger Aeoli Pera June 27, 2015 3:49 PM  

Heh, nice. It seems that JCW is not the only one who can write an excellent ending.

as well as the cunning mines dug by the minions of the Supreme Dark Lord, which was totally unfair because they were so good at math.

Dug in a single night, a hur hur hur.

Anonymous VFM.0157 fka Forrest Bishop June 27, 2015 3:49 PM  

"...their vile faceless attackers...
"Their faces twitched, and they appeared to be restraining deep emotion, but was it futile defiance or humble gratitude? Finally, mastering himself, the one with the number 289 branded on his right cheek stepped forward..."

Lost me there. How does a faceless one have a cheek? "the one with the number 289, seared into the abyss where his right cheek should have been, stepped forward..."

Blogger ScuzzaMan June 27, 2015 3:53 PM  

Steve Hughes doesn't care if you're offended: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHMoDt3nSHs

He might be one of us.

Blogger VD June 27, 2015 3:58 PM  

Lost me there. How does a faceless one have a cheek?

Obviously not all the attackers are Vile Faceless Minions. Do you discount the Dread Ilk, the Ilk, and the Rabid Puppies, to say nothing of the other cohorts? And it would be tough for the herald-minions to herald sans faces, don't you think?

Blogger kh123 June 27, 2015 4:00 PM  

Only thing missing are the tower neckbeards shaking the Cheeto dust from the face pubes onto those below.

Well done.

Blogger W.LindsayWheeler June 27, 2015 4:00 PM  

Well conceived story, great punchline. Had me laughing.

Blogger ScuzzaMan June 27, 2015 4:05 PM  

Meant to say that I loved this the first time. Neatly done.

Blogger bearspaw June 27, 2015 4:13 PM  

Funny stuff.
Must watch MP and the Holy Grail again and imagine any number of SJWs in the role of the Black Knight guarding the bridge.

Anonymous Pa Kur June 27, 2015 4:14 PM  

Loved it. I imagine the faceless host had a forest of Confederate battle flags whipping in the wind.

Anonymous Steve June 27, 2015 4:14 PM  

massive flaming boulders from their gigantic trebuchets crashed into the Embarrassed-To-Be-So-White walls of Tor Keep.

Huge scorpios launched terrible bolts big enough to impale an elephant, or even a Swirsky.

Blogger Salt June 27, 2015 4:14 PM  

Having no face while being vile and faceless is too binary. We're faceless, as in you can't tell us apart but for our numbering. We are one, numbered, and Legion!

Anonymous Book_Girl June 27, 2015 4:24 PM  

Bravo!!!!!

Blogger HickoryHammer #0211 June 27, 2015 4:30 PM  

Fun times!

Blogger Kryten 2X4B 523P June 27, 2015 4:38 PM  

I managed to keep a straight face until...

"prompting great waves of magnificently turbulent fat to roll back and forth across her massive belly like an indecisive tsunami".

excellent, more please!

OpenID kbswift June 27, 2015 4:47 PM  

Second Mad Dok Rob's idea.

The story of SJW defeat should be commemorated in the fashion of a Homeric epic.

Anonymous FP June 27, 2015 4:53 PM  

"Lost me there. How does a faceless one have a cheek?"

How dare you judge that vile faceless minion! He/she/it/otherkind is cheek fluid.

Blogger Shimshon June 27, 2015 4:53 PM  

A new Hugo category should be invented to nominate such a masterpiece. "Best Vignette," anyone?

Blogger Bard June 27, 2015 4:58 PM  

Great punchline, but my favorite was "which was totally unfair because they were so good at math."

MOAR please!

Blogger Bard June 27, 2015 5:00 PM  

13. "Obviously not all the attackers are Vile Faceless Minions. Do you discount the Dread Ilk, the Ilk, and the Rabid Puppies, to say nothing of the other cohorts? And it would be tough for the herald-minions to herald sans faces, don't you think?"

That can be part 2. The various assaults of the hoards.

Blogger maniacprovost June 27, 2015 5:03 PM  

No one insulted my SJW fan-fic last time, so here it is. I presume it's on topic.
Attack of the Nazi-Bots

Anonymous Donn #0114 June 27, 2015 5:03 PM  

Can we be issued diskos? It works so well against abhumans.

Blogger hightecrebel June 27, 2015 5:21 PM  

26. Blogger Shimshon June 27, 2015 4:53 PM
A new Hugo category should be invented to nominate such a masterpiece. "Best Vignette," anyone?

I thought it would fall under one of the fan categories...I know it'd have my nomination next year.

Blogger Russell (106) June 27, 2015 5:25 PM  

Cataline and Steve need to some sort flash fiction collaboration book.

Blogger ajw308 (#98) June 27, 2015 5:28 PM  

Lost me there. How does a faceless one have a cheek?
High functioning autism?

Anonymous Steve June 27, 2015 5:42 PM  

Maniacprovost - you had me at robot Nazis. High five!

Anonymous Forrest Bishop VFM #0167 June 27, 2015 5:43 PM  

13. VD
Lost me there. How does a faceless one have a cheek? -FB

Obviously not all the attackers are Vile Faceless Minions. Do you discount the Dread Ilk, the Ilk, and the Rabid Puppies, to say nothing of the other cohorts? And it would be tough for the herald-minions to herald sans faces, don't you think?

Hark, I see, said the faceless one.

Blogger James Dixon June 27, 2015 5:47 PM  

> Lost me there. How does a faceless one have a cheek?

Do I seriously need to remind you that not all cheeks are on faces?

Anonymous Godfrey June 27, 2015 5:56 PM  

I have to admit. It's kind of fund being the anti-establishment counter-culture. The SJW Left is now the oppressive stuffed shirt authoritarian establishment and we're the rebels.

I never realized how easy it was to undermine the establishment. It's so much easier to tear down than to build. Thanks Sal... this is going to be fun.

Anonymous Steve June 27, 2015 6:03 PM  

Russell - Only if the cover art depicts one of the following epic scenes:

* a horde of VFM-pirates, armed with electric cutlasses, descending on Rachel Swirsky's sail barge.

* G R R Martin meeting an ironic end as a giant, carnivorous cheeseburger eats him.

* Malwyn doing a cheesecake pose, similar to that Shakira video where the comely Colombian chanteuse is all mucky and wriggly.

Blogger Corvinus June 27, 2015 6:09 PM  

Do I seriously need to remind you that not all cheeks are on faces?

Right. Where do brands normally go on cattle?

Blogger Russell (106) June 27, 2015 6:09 PM  

Steve, what about the Dark Lord wearing a track suit made from a Confederate flag, in leather loafers, sipping a fruity drink with an umbrella, standing on a hill of skulls, as he sheds a single tear?

Blogger glad2meetyou June 27, 2015 6:09 PM  

Bravo!

Anonymous Dave June 27, 2015 6:21 PM  

...vile faceless minions literally without faces? But if that is the case do they wear masks or is what was once a face now a pixelated blur or something unimaginable?

Anonymous Forrest Bishop VFM #0167 June 27, 2015 6:23 PM  

36. James Dixon June 27, 2015 5:47 PM

> Lost me there. How does a faceless one have a cheek? -FB

Do I seriously need to remind you that not all cheeks are on faces? -JD

Reeving to advantage, a block has two. And a sheave without cheeks can't be brought in.

Anonymous Eric Ashley June 27, 2015 6:25 PM  

More, please.

Anonymous Forrest Bishop VFM #0167 June 27, 2015 6:28 PM  

Correction-
And a sheave without cheeks can't be brought in.

A sheave that isn't cheeky can't be brought in. (Hate leaving money on the table.)

Blogger Cataline Sergius June 27, 2015 6:50 PM  

Thank you, thank you one and all

This vingette is set against backdrop of my magnificent eighteen volume epic masterpiece fantasy series following the adventures of Lord Trelvis the most beautiful centaur in the corps of royal archers.

Who upon the eve of his arranged marriage to the haughty Lady Vulveena has strange longings awoken within him when he ridden bareback by Crown Prince Branadoc The Horse Botherer.

An epic heroic fantasy series and a bold tale of transthaumaturgicalspecies romance. Arrinvg in stores just in time for Chirstmas. Assuming we are still allowed to call the mid-winter feast Christmas by then.

@Vox

A good editor makes all the difference.

Anonymous Steve June 27, 2015 6:56 PM  

Russell - I love that. The Confederate flag is a must. The fruity drink shows off his playful - albeit still evil - side. The hill of skulls - naturally. A mountain would be gauche.

But it's the tear that sells it. As a nod to the Dark Lord's scalp-collecting heritage of course, but also referencing Roy Batty's famous soliloquy at the end of Blade Runner.

I've… seen things you minions wouldn't believe… Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Tor. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Castalia Gate. All those… moments… will be lost in time, like... tears… in… rain. Time… to have someone fetch me another… Adios Motherfucker. With crushed ice, not cubes.

Anonymous Daniel H June 27, 2015 7:00 PM  

Say what you will about Donald Trump but he does have that instinct to fight back against SJWs. Univision dumped Trumps beauty patent so Trump has barred anybody who works for Univision from using his fancy golf course, which adjoins Univision's Miami offices

http://apnews.myway.com/article/20150626/us--tv-univision-trump-7784e5e7b4.html

Anonymous G.R.R.M. June 27, 2015 7:03 PM  

That's fascinating.news Cataline

And how would you classify the rape/page ratio in this epic masterpiece?

Blogger Edd Jobs June 27, 2015 7:10 PM  

An epic heroic fantasy series and a bold tale of transthaumaturgicalspecies romance.

And just imagine the convention cosplay.

Blogger Cataline Sergius June 27, 2015 7:12 PM  

@G.R.R.M.

What it lacks in volume it will make up for in intensity when Lord Trelvis and Prince Branadoc are captured by the swamp elves.

Anonymous Tar Heel (VFM#0245) June 27, 2015 7:28 PM  

Whenever someone next says political and philosophical causes supply me with eloquence, I am pointing them to this post. Bravo! Encore!

Anonymous BGS June 27, 2015 7:36 PM  

Lost me there. How does a faceless one have a cheek?

Perhaps he was baring his backside to her?

G.R.R.M. That's fascinating.news Cataline And how would you classify the rape/page ratio in this epic masterpiece?

You banned me from your blog when I asked what your favorite carbohydrate based snack was could you please answer it? I realize you must have looked here to see we debated as to whether you loved Doritos or Pringles more than I do penises.


OT: Again the only way to fire a black is for them to be directly responsible for a patient death.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/detroit-emt-fired-refusing-baby-died-article-1.2272794
""I'm not about to be on no scene 10 minutes doing CPR, you know how these families get," she told her boss, according to a report obtained by the news station."

Perhaps she saw this news from the same day
http://news.yahoo.com/2-san-diego-firefighters-stabbed-bystander-aid-scene-181230659.html

Anonymous The other robot June 27, 2015 7:45 PM  

I am sorry, Madam, but you appear to have mistaken us for Republicans.

Shouldn't that be: "I'm sorry, your Lardulence, ..."

Anonymous bw June 27, 2015 7:51 PM  

Embarrassed-to-be-so-White walls

Anonymous G.R.R.M. June 27, 2015 7:57 PM  

@BGS

Do not detract and diminish the praise for Cataline's vignette with your pointless medical responder stories. Did any EMT's rape somebody? Didn't think so.

And you need to be more specific wrt my favorite snack ie are we talking pre or post 1st meal, brunch, early or late midday snack etc. Send me an email if you wish to further discuss.

Please stay on topic in future threads.

Blogger Jack Ward June 27, 2015 8:10 PM  

There is some real talent here. Perhaps a contract, on speculation, from the Dark Lord?
Why the hell not, I say.

Blogger maniacprovost June 27, 2015 8:15 PM  

G.R.R.M., since you're here, I just want to say that you are at least twice the man Vox is, in the most literal possible sense. Thank you for touching our hearts with your words, and then using them to violently rape our souls when we tried to resist. Bravo.

OpenID techdouchebaggery June 27, 2015 8:16 PM  

Great piece - but where was Scalzi??? Was he hiding in his chamber wearing a fair maiden's dress while "borrowing" stories from a bard?

Anonymous Daniel #0189 June 27, 2015 8:23 PM  

#wrongcheek

Anonymous G.R.R.M. June 27, 2015 8:34 PM  

@maniac

Resistance is futile.

Oh and the more proper choice of words would be the blog owner isn't half the man I am.

Anonymous Boogeyman (VFM #240) June 27, 2015 8:36 PM  

"I am sorry, Madam, but you appear to have mistaken us for Republicans."

The cruellest cut of them all.

Blogger Bobo #117 June 27, 2015 8:38 PM  

I laughed, I cried, it changed my life.

Anonymous Jourdan June 27, 2015 8:47 PM  

Fantastic, well done.

It struck me while reading this that not only is it quite good, it's miles better than anything I've read from Tor in a very long time.

Anonymous Donn #0114 June 27, 2015 9:09 PM  

Techdb - He was tending the expansive royal gardens.

Anonymous Tom June 27, 2015 9:15 PM  

I really think there needs to be a "beastiary" sort of section where a bunch of different monsters are mentioned, each resembling one of the "authors" of Tor.

JCW needs to be mentioned as being held in a dungeon of some kind. Perhaps a time sucking trap where he has to preform services for the Torlings some certain amount of time a day. The rest he is busy composing battle hymns for the Puppies.

Oh dang, this could be its own subgenre. I imagine a group of half human half rabid dogs baying at the Embarrassed to be White Walls. The Torlings can have a whole legion of bots on their side, but they all do the exact same battle move at the same time. Sweet Mary, this could be huge and hilarious.

Anonymous fish June 27, 2015 9:48 PM  

Oh and the more proper choice of words would be the blog owner isn't half the man I am.

From the photos I'd guess a 1/3.

Blogger ChicagoRefugee June 27, 2015 9:49 PM  

*sniff*

That was beautiful, man.

*wipes tear*

Blogger ChicagoRefugee June 27, 2015 9:54 PM  

Lost me there. How does a faceless one have a cheek?

Well, humans do have two sets of cheeks, you know. Perhaps he was wearing chaps.

Such a quibbler!

Blogger maniacprovost June 27, 2015 10:04 PM  

Command and Conquer: Trigger Warning

Play three rich, unique, yet totally balanced factions:

The Supreme Judges of the World breed rapidly, and have a range of debuff abilities to cripple the opponent's economy and culture.

The Evil Legion of Evil builds its forces around the stealthy Minions. They aren't actually invisible, but for some reason enemy units ignore them until fired upon.

The Brotherhood of CHORFS are completely irrelevant to the main campaign, but the CHORF campaign features an interactive storytelling experience. Gather old photos and notebooks from each map to learn how the actual battle resolved itself, and how everyone FELT about it.

Anonymous Beau June 27, 2015 10:09 PM  

@ G.R.R.M.

You sneered, Did any EMT's rape somebody? Didn't think so.

You may not be the real G.Rape.Rape.M, but still, you're a pathetic liar, coast to coast.

BOSTON - A decorated city EMT was convicted Wednesday of sexually assaulting five women — one as young as 11 years old — in a reign of terror between 2001 and 2010.

and

SAN DIEGO - A judge's request for a psychological report prompted two-month delay in sentencing today for a local emergency medical technician who had sex with a 15-year-old girl he met online.

Zachary Stinchcomb, 23, pleaded guilty last month to unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor and faces probation and up to a year in jail. He was released on his own recognizance pending sentencing, now set for July 7.


SJW's always lie.

Anonymous Craxis June 27, 2015 10:15 PM  

I liked the part about the Swirsky. Otherwise, eh. Simple.

Anonymous G.R.R.M. June 27, 2015 10:47 PM  

@ Beau

Do not attempt to move the spotlight off Cataline's literary chops. Your Google search results only add to the clutter already on this thread.

Anonymous daddynichol June 27, 2015 11:05 PM  

Nifty bit of prose there.

Anonymous Bob June 27, 2015 11:15 PM  

",,, it's miles better than anything I've read from Tor in a very long time."

How true, how true.

Anonymous Ulmer Miller June 27, 2015 11:30 PM  

Nice to come to a website today that's not emblazoned with a rainbow flag!

Anonymous Jourdan June 27, 2015 11:57 PM  

What?!?

Okay, which one of you jokers took down the rainbow flag?

Blogger LP 999/Eliza June 28, 2015 12:34 AM  

Awesome Cataline, Love it.

Aint no restrained emotion, I want resignations and I want them now.

The other crowd also wants the women to cut their damn hair because its one degree over 55 degrees, aint happening, aint giving any land, do-dads or ideals, aint giving anything. You will give, do and pay up.

What is first upon the request list aside from resignations?

OT Where is Karrakan on the rainbow flag? Ah, afraid to out his own matters withthe purple hand of perverts. Yeah sure, dancing boys my ass. SCOTUSPerv addition.

Blogger LP 999/Eliza June 28, 2015 12:37 AM  

The hour when I should not go OT; Farrakan, Karrakan, ha,ha, staying on topic.

Anonymous Beau June 28, 2015 12:50 AM  

Do not attempt to move the spotlight off Cataline's literary chops.

I don't take advice from you. Neither did I take the spotlight off Cataline's chops; I merely pointed out your sneering criticism of his work is a blatant falsehood.

Anonymous IsMise June 28, 2015 1:07 AM  

I just bought a pre-2001 Georgia state flag(Confederate) - on Amazon. So much for driving old Dixie down.

Blogger Wraith June 28, 2015 1:41 AM  

I laughed hard enough to sprain organs I didn't know I possessed.

Bravo, Vox...bravissimo!!

Anonymous bw June 28, 2015 2:51 AM  

So much for driving old Dixie down

Here

Anonymous Fp June 28, 2015 5:19 AM  

Notice that the leftard SJWs have no creative prose to match Cataline's parable. They only have snark and gnashing of teeth.

Anonymous Sensei June 28, 2015 6:06 AM  

Ahaha.. the punchline. Masterful.

Blogger W.LindsayWheeler June 28, 2015 6:30 AM  

"...you have mistaken us for Republicans. Besides that John Boehner had always been castrated."

Anonymous Bz June 28, 2015 6:46 AM  

Some historical reminiscences from the past. I found that Theresa Nielsen Hayden has a past as a rather totalitarian moderator at Boing Boing. Ludicrous in her double think, chilling in her brutal entitlement. By their acts they are revealed.

http://zenarchery.com/2008/07/that-violet-blue-thing-boing-boing/
http://boingboing.net/2008/07/01/that-violet-blue-thi.html

(Why was "Violet Blue" deleted you ask? Apparently due to a soured lesbian affair with "Xeni Jardin", big honcho at Boing Boing.)

I think modern leftist comment moderation has turned away from openly mocking and destroying displeasing comments to just leaving dissenters 'stuck in moderation' forever. Perhaps that's easier, all things considered.

Anonymous Stilicho #0066 June 28, 2015 7:16 AM  

Best related work 2015

Blogger VFM bot #188 June 28, 2015 9:51 AM  

Do I seriously need to remind you that not all cheeks are on faces?

Right. Where do brands normally go on cattle?


Not on their snouts. Not on their cow asses either, come to think of it....

Anonymous Duke of URL June 28, 2015 10:49 AM  

Outstanding!

Blogger James Dixon June 28, 2015 2:28 PM  

> Here

I've always been partial to the Band's version myself: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NnyeqyCiLdo

The full version of their concert "The Last Waltz" seems to be at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q2yW372qWH8

Blogger RobertT June 28, 2015 2:39 PM  

That was great.

Thanks as well for the lead to another blog I can relate to. Especially liked the Kingsmen video.

Blogger Kull June 28, 2015 4:50 PM  

I liked the piece but I think we should workshop it at Absolute Write.

Blogger Thucydides June 28, 2015 9:40 PM  

I passed this around and now owe a few new keyboards to various friends and acquaintances. Must remember to remind people not to have coffee or other hot beverages at hand when clicking onto this site......

Blogger Groot June 29, 2015 1:46 AM  

Woody: What's shaking, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins.

Blogger Feather Blade June 29, 2015 1:37 PM  

And just imagine the convention cosplay.

Must we? Especially so close to lunch time...

Blogger redneckdemon June 29, 2015 4:14 PM  

That is a fantastic bit of prose, and had me grinning the whole way through! It took me a moment to recover from the laughter once I reached the conclusion. Thank you very much for sharing!

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