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Sunday, August 16, 2015

Negotiation

buwaya August 15, 2015 3:31 PM  

I apologize in advance for the interjection of a marginally related matter - I have been over at File 770 bringing up the matter of a negotiated peace. It does not seem to have gone over too well for the most part, but patience is of course the key. Under the circumstances it seems to be the case that the balance of power (or risk vs return) seems to favor the puppies, so I was asking about what sort of concessions they would be willing to offer. I apologize for neglecting to check with you about the sort of concessions, in a concrete sense, this faction would be willing to accept.

The Supreme Dark Lord, Evil Legion of Evil August 15, 2015 4:16 PM

There is no need to apologize. As it happens, there are a few things we would be willing to accept in order to bring about a rapprochement in science fiction.

John Scalzi's skull
Patrick Nielsen Hayden's skull
The Toad of Tor's skull
Jim C. Hines's skull
Irene Gallo's skull
Charles Stross's skull
Phil Sandifer's skull
Mary Kowal's skull

Silvered and made into goblets, please. We may need four more, but I think eight place settings will suffice.

UPDATE: I am reliably informed that we actually have twelve SJW-bone table settings. So we will also require:

Steven Gould's skull
Matthew Johnson's skull
James Enge's skull
Lee Martindale's skull

We would also like to request a half-stanza from Byron's "Lines Inscribed Upon A Cup Formed From A Skull" to be engraved upon each skull. As there are six stanzas, this will nicely suit the set.

Start not—nor deem my spirit fled:
   In me behold the only skull
From which, unlike a living head,
    Whatever flows is never dull. 


I lived, I loved, I quaff'd, like thee:
   I died: let earth my bones resign;
Fill up—thou canst not injure me;
   The worm hath fouler lips than thine.


Better to hold the sparkling grape,
   Than nurse the earth-worm's slimy brood;
And circle in the goblet's shape
   The drink of Gods, than reptiles' food.


Where once my wit, perchance, hath shone,
   In aid of others' let me shine;
And when, alas! our brains are gone,
   What nobler substitute than wine?


Quaff while thou canst—another race,
   When thou and thine like me are sped,
May rescue thee from earth's embrace,
   And rhyme and revel with the dead.


Why not? since through life's little day
   Our heads such sad effects produce;
Redeem'd from worms and wasting clay,
   This chance is theirs, to be of use.


I believe it is a priori apparent that their skulls would be of far more utility to mankind if they were helping satiate the thirst of the Dark Lord and his guests than any other purpose for which they might be currently used.


Buwaya on August 15, 2015 at 1:33 pm said:

I have a response from [Day] requesting some people’s skulls, some of whom I don’t recognize. Seems unrealistic even for an opening offer, but its a start anyway

Camestros Felapton on August 16, 2015 at 1:02 am said:

New plan:
1. we get Mr Crocodile to bargain VD down to just one skull
2. we get a FAKE skull and turn it into a wine goblet & send it to VD
3. we persuade John Scalzi to run aound WorldCon with his T-shirt over his head and shouting ‘oh noes, where’s me head gone’ and wave his arms in the air like he has no head.
4. peace in our time

Felapton is the guy who did the Puppy Kerfluffle map, the latest version of which is below. I have to say, I rather like the cut of his jib.

Labels:

97 Comments:

Anonymous Geoff August 16, 2015 8:36 AM  

Vox Day advocates murder!

Blogger VFM bot #188 August 16, 2015 8:46 AM  

Vox Day joins ISIS! Advocates chopping off heads!

Anonymous Dave August 16, 2015 8:52 AM  

"I have a response from [Day] requesting some people’s skulls, some of whom I don’t recognize."

Cuckbuwaya would be perfect for US State Department. Trying to negotiate peace and doesn't even know all the players.

Blogger Student in Blue August 16, 2015 8:59 AM  

Now we know his true motive for immigrating to Italy!

Blogger Nate August 16, 2015 9:00 AM  

This is a very good negotiator. Given a request for ornately decorated skulls of the opposing party... his primary complaint is he doesn't recognize all the names.

And yet he manages to be optimistic.

Anonymous Steve August 16, 2015 9:00 AM  

This skull is pointy and too dense,
Is it from some sort of mandrill?
I read the label to make sense:
"The noggin of Sandifer, Phil".

Anonymous Stg58 / Animal Mother #225 August 16, 2015 9:30 AM  

Yes I also enjoy that feature, Nate. His objection isn't murder, decapitation and violation of the dead, but that he doesn't know who they are. His logic is sound, after all you don't kill people you don't know.

Anonymous Huckleberry August 16, 2015 9:36 AM  

Given the cranial capacities of those involved, that a spectacular set of skull shot glasses.

Blogger Mr.MantraMan August 16, 2015 9:41 AM  

They should be so honored, mainly I would sell them to ISIS to put to use as sex slaves or blade practice.

Anonymous Eric Ashley August 16, 2015 9:53 AM  

World Peace=World Domination.

I wrote a story about that.

Blogger Cataline Sergius August 16, 2015 9:56 AM  

You forgot about David Gerrold's.

And I'm certain George Martin's would make a fine punch bowl.

Blogger Cataline Sergius August 16, 2015 9:57 AM  

Vox Day advocates murder!

It's not murder if you call it Aesthetic Deletion. I read that somewhere, so it must be true.

Blogger Cataline Sergius August 16, 2015 10:00 AM  

In addition I would have to say, Mary Kowal's skull would appear to be far too cracked to be of any kind of serviceable use as dinnerware.

They would be paying in damaged goods.

Blogger RL (#0052) August 16, 2015 10:03 AM  

Just read Vox's post - looks at map, sees skull. Laughter ensues.

Blogger Doom August 16, 2015 10:04 AM  

Damn it! Now I'm thirsty!

Blogger IM2L844 August 16, 2015 10:12 AM  

@11

A 13th skull is an absolute must. Rape Rape's should do nicely.

Anonymous BrerFox August 16, 2015 10:21 AM  

Lee Martindale is on the list of demanded skulls? I'm mostly surprised that anyone I've met is on the list. At the time I thought her to be pleasant enough, though her biography trumpeted her work for the rights of "people of size", so there is that. And her work on an anthology of prostitute themed short stories.

Anonymous VFM #0053 August 16, 2015 10:27 AM  

Personally, I'd aim for 32; enough for a chess set.

Blogger Student in Blue August 16, 2015 10:29 AM  

Personally, I'd aim for 32; enough for a chess set.

A chess set wouldn't work. They can't all be queens!

Anonymous Viidad August 16, 2015 10:30 AM  

Lee was one of the board members who voted illegally to purge VD from the SFWA.

Anonymous Viidad August 16, 2015 10:31 AM  

"You forgot about David Gerrold's"

We don't want to catch anything nasty.

Blogger bearspaw August 16, 2015 10:31 AM  

@18
I don't know how many pieces in Chinese Checkers but it's a lot!

Blogger VD August 16, 2015 10:43 AM  

Lee was one of the board members who voted illegally to purge VD from the SFWA.

It wasn't so much that as her claim that if I was elected SFWA president she would need a lawyer due to the violence she would inflict upon me. Or something like that, anyhow.

Anonymous IsMise August 16, 2015 10:47 AM  

Given the permeable nature of bone whatever mad cow disease they suffer from may be reactivated by the acidic nature of wine. I would suggest lining the interior of the skulls with high quality silver.

Blogger VD August 16, 2015 10:55 AM  

I would suggest lining the interior of the skulls with high quality silver.

(shoots incredulous look at IsMise, shakes head)

Anonymous WaterBoy August 16, 2015 10:56 AM  

How long before an anti-puppy claims that Vox issued "death threats"?

Anonymous Duke of URL VFM#391 August 16, 2015 10:57 AM  

VD, you owe me a clean keyboard for publishing the "Peace in Our Time" episode...

Anonymous kfg August 16, 2015 11:14 AM  

" . . . enough for a chess set."

I prefer Go, but they haven't got the stones.

Blogger David-093 August 16, 2015 11:14 AM  

Embedding rubies into the eye sockets would be a nice touch.

Blogger buwaya puti August 16, 2015 11:15 AM  

It's a peacemakers lot to be reviled by all sides, of course, but that is a risk I am prepared to take.
One could conclude, at first glance, that the various factions are irreconcilable, given both the number of skulls requested and, of course, the rather expensive custom work involved.
However, we are not discouraged. The important point is that there is now a channel for negotiation between the once-isolated sides.
With steady year-on-year funding for the negotiating team, including allowances for annual conferences in Italy, and the cooperation of the appropriate international agencies as well as our NGO partners, we now see a path of progress.

Blogger Lovekraft August 16, 2015 11:15 AM  

Don't forget forcing them to destroy their own temples.

Blogger MendoScot August 16, 2015 11:24 AM  

I have to admit, a small smile crossed my lips.

What is the kinetic energy of a Martindale at full gallop?

Anonymous Viidad August 16, 2015 11:25 AM  

"she would need a lawyer due to the violence she would inflict upon me"

Motor scooters as deadly weapon.

Blogger Shimshon August 16, 2015 11:25 AM  

Vox,

I vaguely remember a harshly worded lashing such that if you aren't actively sexually violating their skulls, you're being kind.

This is a magnanimous gesture on your part.

Blogger Sad Puppy August 16, 2015 11:34 AM  

If they do this right, this could be a treasure trove Conan would be proud to loot.

It makes me sad to see James Enge on there, as I really have enjoyed his stories over the last few years. Maybe I'm blind, but don't recall it in any way being message fic.

Blogger MendoScot August 16, 2015 11:38 AM  

I was contemplating the wineskins that could be made from their hides (recycle everything, no, Viidad?), but it strikes me that they are too thin to serve. I suppose we will have to go with the stomachs...

Blogger VD August 16, 2015 11:41 AM  

This is a magnanimous gesture on your part.

It is true. I am kind.

It makes me sad to see James Enge on there, as I really have enjoyed his stories over the last few years. Maybe I'm blind, but don't recall it in any way being message fic.

He tried to get me blackballed from Black Gate when I first began writing there. John O'Neill would have none of it.

Blogger CM August 16, 2015 11:43 AM  

Does he sit in an old gum tree?

Blogger Floyd Looney August 16, 2015 11:43 AM  

Okay, I can a skull and a manatee on the map, but still no rabbits.

Blogger VD August 16, 2015 11:44 AM  

With steady year-on-year funding for the negotiating team, including allowances for annual conferences in Italy, and the cooperation of the appropriate international agencies as well as our NGO partners, we now see a path of progress.

Your bureaucratic spirit is commendable. Once we take the various Torlockian isles, the Evil Legion of Evil will be in need of governors who are capable of profitably working the survivors.

Blogger VD August 16, 2015 11:45 AM  

Okay, I can a skull and a manatee on the map, but still no rabbits.

I was going to say that he only uses terms people use to describe themselves, but Scalzi has embraced Gamma Rabbit, so that would be legit.

Blogger Blackburn #0040 August 16, 2015 11:52 AM  

I want your skulls.

Anonymous Steve August 16, 2015 11:56 AM  

Don't mess with Lee Martindale:

A reporter once asked me to describe myself in ten words. My reply:
"Poet, songsmith, teller of tales, lover, student, teacher, warrior...Bard."


LOL.

For twelve years, I edited a size-issues activism magazine called *Rump Parliament*, which focused on working to change the way society treats fat people and served as a gathering point for people interested in learning and practicing effective activism against weight discrimination.

Double LOL. Fat 'activism'. If only they put the same effort into not huffing butter, they wouldn't need to bitch and moan about how normal humans are repulsed by them.

I live in Texas with one husband of twenty-two years, and two cats. And they don't call me "Hell on Wheels" for nothing.

Heft on Wheels, surely?

Also, if you piss her off, she'll set one of the gay baddies from Diamonds Are Forever on you.

Blogger buwaya puti August 16, 2015 12:04 PM  

Why do people keep calling themselves warriors ?
It's an odd affectation.
I guess I should too I suppose, if its all au courant.
I'm a warrior like good soldier Schweik, but much less Czech.

Blogger buwaya puti August 16, 2015 12:07 PM  

Why do people keep calling themselves warriors ?
It's an odd affectation.
I guess I should too I suppose, if its all au courant.
I'm a warrior like good soldier Schweik, but much less Czech.

Blogger JACIII August 16, 2015 12:18 PM  

Afraid I don't see the point. The SJWs will call for the heads of those listed eventually. So much better to watch them commit fratricide and simply retrieve the offending extremities at our liesure.

Blogger buwaya puti August 16, 2015 12:37 PM  

I have notified File 770 of the modified terms, and solicited proposals for a counteroffer. Unfortunately that side has a rather diffuse authority structure, and it is by no means clear that we are dealing with the proper level of authority.
Still, one must press on.

Blogger buwaya puti August 16, 2015 12:38 PM  

I have notified File 770 of the modified terms, and solicited proposals for a counteroffer. Unfortunately that side has a rather diffuse authority structure, and it is by no means clear that we are dealing with the proper level of authority.
Still, one must press on.

Anonymous Porky August 16, 2015 12:38 PM  

Excluding Jemisen?

You raciss.

Blogger Rantor August 16, 2015 12:50 PM  

I like the fact that the map has were seals. If needed, I'll condescend to using Lee's scull as a goblet, looks like it will hold a good portion of Bourdeaux.

Anonymous kfg August 16, 2015 1:07 PM  

Does it fence from its mobility chair?

Anonymous Pax Romana August 16, 2015 1:12 PM  

This reminds me of the 2,000 year old poem, "Catallus 16." A poem so vilely vulgar, that it wasn't translated into English until the mid 20th century.

It talks about skulls, too, and what one might do with a loathed enemy, but suffice to say that Catalus had different plans to humiliate his enemies than the Supreme Dark Lord. He does have SOME decency, after all.

Blogger Nate August 16, 2015 1:17 PM  

I fear The Dark Lord has been far to generous.

I fear Buwaya that the skulls shall not be enough. We minion have been promised bones to gnaw upon... and bones we shall have.

I regret to but my Dark Lord in this position but it was his own oversight that caused it.

We will have our bones.


Anonymous The Original Hermit August 16, 2015 1:18 PM  

Drinking from skulls.

Blogger Nate August 16, 2015 1:23 PM  

I am actually disppointed there was any negotiation at all.

When I saw the request for terms... the first thing I thought of... was this:

"I believe it's pretty clear to you by now that we are pretty systemically destroying you. Within a very short period of time Delve will belong to Goonswarm and camped into stations or not, there is nothing at all you can do about it. Were I Remedial this would be about the time I'd offer you terms of surrender. I am not Remedial however. I do not want nor care for your surrender. I want every single second of this to hurt. I want it to be as painful for you as possible and I have the people behind me to make this happen....

Your time is over. This is as it should be."

Anonymous Donn #0114 August 16, 2015 1:28 PM  

You have to get extra thick silver coating on all bone items or the puppies will chew and leave marks. That's why we can't have nice things.

Anonymous kfg August 16, 2015 1:32 PM  

@Nate: It was the vile faceless minions who, without orders, launched the assault on Béziers.

It was only when it became clear that they had taken the gate that command said, "Oh what the hell" (as it were) and joined in the party.

Blogger VD August 16, 2015 1:43 PM  

I am actually disppointed there was any negotiation at all.

I am kind. Also, Spacebunny has been after a new set of goblets, so the opportunity just seemed to sort of be rather timely.

And wouldn't it be amusing if they agreed? It would certainly make this year's Worldcon epic.

"John, could you come to the stage, please? No, David, just stay right there...."

Blogger buwaya puti August 16, 2015 1:47 PM  

I have to say I am getting some significant movement at File 770, as far as compiling a counteroffer. They are being remarkably realistic, as far as these things go, at such an early stage.

Blogger Danby August 16, 2015 2:01 PM  

You know, Sahib Buwaya, whatever peace is brokered between the mighty lords and ladies, can never be enforced. The Vile, Faceless Minions, being vile, and faceless, will not stop. Were the Dark lord to surrender, we would have to destroy him, chew his bones, and then keep coming after our prey.

It's not a lifestyle, it's an identity.

Blogger Danby August 16, 2015 2:02 PM  

Not that the Vox would ever give up, ever surrender. But I want our negotiator to understand.

Anonymous Stg58 / Animal Mother #225 August 16, 2015 2:12 PM  

You know what I like about eating ribs? They're ribs. No getting around that. Gnawing the meat from the bone. With my teeth.

Blogger buwaya puti August 16, 2015 2:15 PM  

I have to say I am getting some significant movement at File 770, as far as compiling a counteroffer. They are being remarkably realistic, as far as these things go, at such an early stage.

Blogger Sad Puppy August 16, 2015 2:19 PM  

Hmmm. Would a hive mind actually miss a few minds?

Blogger Floyd Looney August 16, 2015 2:26 PM  

@41 Gamma Rabbit. lol.

Anonymous Minion #0172 August 16, 2015 2:30 PM  

Tor publisher Tom Doherty may provide Scalzi's and PNH's skulls gratis.

Scalzi is chronicling his big book tour on Whatever and unlike last time there is nothing - nothing - about his events other than they are going "really well." No photos, no videos, no crowing about crowd sizes. Instead, he's posting photos of the parking lots of the hotels he's staying at, and increasingly shrill and desperate beseeching people to please - please! -show up.

Sounds like he's laying an egg this time out. Any Ilk or minion attending any of Scalzi's Magical Misery Tour should report in with the real skinny.

Anonymous VFM 0009 August 16, 2015 2:42 PM  

@0172 Scalzi will be in my area in a couple days, signing at the same location Larry Correia did for his Nemesis release. I've got nothing better to do, I'll try to check it out and compare.

Blogger Michael Maier August 16, 2015 2:48 PM  

33. Viidad August 16, 2015 11:25 AM
"she would need a lawyer due to the violence she would inflict upon me"

Motor scooters as deadly weapon.


Scooters can move with that much weight on them?

(Not that I actually know how fat she is, just working with the odds here...)

Anonymous A.B. Prosper August 16, 2015 2:54 PM  

Its too bad about Stross being such an incorrigible Leftist . I've read the man's blog from time to time and he has moments of showing a very fine mind.

I rather enjoyed his anti space colony bit and his corporations as alien occupiers as well.

I haven't tackled his books yet, I have a few from the $1 used books store but haven't gotten to them as I suspect I'll be disappointed.

Anonymous Jim Milo August 16, 2015 3:44 PM  

Apparently there is a yearly fatty convention in Las Vegas for chubby chasers. It seems a fetish with some, apparently.

Anyway, it's also the only week of the year that fat chicks don't have to buy batteries, and for some like Lee here, it goes to their head.

Anonymous Jim Milo August 16, 2015 3:52 PM  

He needs to pull a Sarkeesian and hire some false-flag 'harassers' to follow him around.

Get PEN involved. He's practically being raped! Je suis Scalzi!

Blogger buwaya puti August 16, 2015 4:35 PM  

Update on the peace process -
We seem to have something of a consensus from File770.
It varies in detail, leadership over there being rather diffuse.
But the gist is they require Vox Day insert some sort of uncomfortable object in his rectum. The nature of the objects proposed varies from cacti (size and species TBD), wire brushes, durian fruit (whether the rind, pulp, or some processed substance again TBD), or some nut or nuts of unspecified type. Should negotiations take a turn in this direction I am sure we can settle these details.
Now, this may seem unpromising as a starting point, but it is early days. At least we have a conversation going. And the germ of an idea of Peace has entered many minds.

Blogger Groot August 16, 2015 4:52 PM  

It is only a rhetorical demand for skulls. Until the bounties go up. Will there be a higher monetary value for the ones buwaya has heard of?

Blogger Elocutioner #0226 August 16, 2015 4:56 PM  

@72 buwaya puti
That is excellent news! We should get them all in a room together to complete the negotiations.

Anonymous The Original Hermit August 16, 2015 4:59 PM  

It's almost as if they think they're not losing. I'd almost say that it's cute if they weren't so darn pernicious.

Blogger Nate August 16, 2015 5:22 PM  

buwaya puti

In reponse to their insolence the in addition to the previous demands... we will now require 386 femurs from the CHORFS. No more than one femur should be taken per CHORF.

Should CHORFS return another insolent offer... we will be adding an additional 386 humerus bones... again... no more than 1 per CHORF.

Anonymous Dave August 16, 2015 5:25 PM  

So similar to the Middle East peace process; if only we could somehow involve Jimmy Carter or is it Jimmy Fallon. I can never keep them straight.

Anonymous Dave August 16, 2015 5:39 PM  

Didn't 486 follow 386? And how many is a Pentium?

Blogger ray August 16, 2015 5:55 PM  

"I have a response from [Day] requesting some people’s skulls, some of whom I don’t recognize. Seems unrealistic even for an opening offer, but its a start anyway"


Sounds like a good place to start, a good place to end, and too short of a list.

Blogger Cail Corishev August 16, 2015 6:32 PM  

And how many is a Pentium?

4.99999999.

Blogger Blackburn #0040 August 16, 2015 7:23 PM  

4.99999999

How do you pick a winner in a thread this good. Well off topic, but this one is it for me.

Anonymous Forrest Bishop VFM #0167 August 16, 2015 9:23 PM  

81. Blackburn #0040

4.99999999

How do you pick a winner in a thread this good. Well off topic, but this one is it for me.

4.99999999 ums = 1 pentium

Anonymous Toby Temple August 16, 2015 11:23 PM  

Buwaya Puti. Tagalog ka o Bisaya?

Blogger buwaya August 17, 2015 12:24 AM  

Tagalog.
Tatay was Bicolano.

Blogger Groot August 17, 2015 1:31 AM  

Philipinos don't distinguish between "F's" and "P's" so they would say Pilipino. You get to talking to one of them, and they have endless jokes about this, but I don't remember any. (This is an opening for Toby and buwaya, hint, hint, nudge, nudge.)

Anonymous Toby Temple August 17, 2015 1:54 AM  

@Groot - its Filipinos. Pilipino is Filipino. Filipino is English.

@Buwaya - Bisaya. I'm from Cebu. Pero si tatay at nanay Tagalog.

Anonymous Koanic August 17, 2015 2:34 AM  

Vox! We do not terrorist with negotiators!

Also, fuck the police.

Anonymous Toby Temple August 17, 2015 2:47 AM  

So what side is buwaya puti again?

Anonymous Koanic August 17, 2015 2:51 AM  

@43
Forced marches: Fat activism.

Great thread.

Anonymous Steve August 17, 2015 2:55 AM  

Jim Milo - they have a fatty convention in Wisconsin every year too. It's called WisCon.

Anonymous Steve August 17, 2015 3:14 AM  

Koanic - How this didn't win a Hugo last year, I'll never know...

Fatropolis

JENNY CRANDELL (POV) is a young woman living alone in New York. She is fairly successful at work but doesn't understand why she can't meet someone to share her life with. She blames all her troubles on her size, as she is larger than society says she is supposed to be. While trying to find a dress for a corporate function, she accidentally falls through a portal in the wall of a dress shop and finds herself in Fatropolis, another world, where fat people are the beautiful ones. She becomes concerned, considering she only has a few days before she has to be back to work, and wonders who will take care of her cat. She has no choice but to start looking for a way to get back to her world, and in the process meets a host of characters, of all different sizes, who lead her to start questioning everything she has been conditioned to believe; especially about size. Thus begins her heartwarming and often hilarious adventure of exploring the other side of weight discrimination in a world where fat people lead happy, normal, guilt-free lives. In her exploration, she not only finds herself, but she also finds adventure, intrigue, friendship, and love...eventually.


"After devouring Fatropolis I was hungry for more..." - R. Swirsky

"I laughed, I cried, I huffed a bucket of chicken." - S. McGuire

"2/5, needs moar rape" - G. Martin

Anonymous Koanic August 17, 2015 3:29 AM  

In the event of refusal, may we direct our Dark Lord's attention to the orthopedic and dramatic benefits of brooding upon a wicker throne delicately woven from the maidenly finger bones of his enemies? Given the cognitively vacuous quality of their work, we fear that decapitation may prove insufficient to stem the tide of drivel.

We are, as always, tenderly solicitous of your Ghastliness' health in these times of conquest, and would feel easier knowing you took your repose upon a waterbed filled with an annual tribute of tears. Your loyal minions are, of course, content with the cold flagstones of your immense fortification.

Yours in Wickedness,
Troll #371

Anonymous Koanic August 17, 2015 3:40 AM  

@91
You crush, sir, like a chair buckles beneath some devouring planetary posterior.

Blogger Updated/links LP999/S.I.G. August 17, 2015 3:54 PM  

This comment has been removed by the author.

Blogger Updated/links LP999/S.I.G. August 17, 2015 3:57 PM  

I still request those responsible be held accountable via resignations/apologies but whatever the men want is fine by me.

I'll hear peace negotiations.

Blogger VFM bot #188 August 17, 2015 4:33 PM  

It's not a lifestyle, it's an identity.

It's not an identity, it's a calling....

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