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Sunday, September 25, 2016

The Color Run: a story of courage, endurance, and ninjas, part I

I'll admit, I was concerned about taking part in the Color Run today. After all, not only was I going to have to run 5k, which is exactly 4.82 kilometers more than I am designed to run, but I was going to have to do so in a tutu, a concept which inspired no small amount of hilarity in the household this week.

To quote one member: "I think it's a day I'll always remember... and not in a good way." So, you know, thanks for that, everyone who donated. It's a pity we can't set any of that aside for future psychotherapy.

Moreover, I received a warning that I was quite literally putting my life in danger by taking part in the run, which turned out to be true, although not in exactly the way that the messenger, who turned out to be a lifesaver, imagined. This Good Samaritan had been concerned that either George Soros or the Clintons might take advantage of my readily identifiable outfit and send a sniper; as it turned out, it wasn't the American political elite that was targeting me today, but an even more remorselessly evil party.

We got up very early, so early that it was pretty much a toss of the coin as to whether I'd just stay up all night or not, and made the drive to Lausanne, Switzerland, where we met our friends with whom we were doing the run. We changed in the parking lot, where it was much appreciated how my multicolored tutu nicely matched the colorful logo of the t-shirts we were provided. It was rather cold, which inspired Spacebunny to deliver an equally colorful soliloquy in appreciation for the generosity of the donors who were the reason she was wearing nothing but a bikini under her tutu.

Which, of course, was not as pretty as mine, as hers was only yellow. I pointed out that she would probably be glad to not be wearing very much in the way of clothing once we started running and the sun rose a bit higher in the sky, an intelligent observation that impressed her to such an extent that she expressed a keen wish to feel my teeth in her flesh, a sentiment that she managed to phrase in an admirably succinct manner. She was also delighted to discover that while there were people wearing everything from unicorn suits to dragon outfits, she was the only runner in a bikini.

As you can see from the picture on the right, I felt very confident in my tutu, and indeed, was inspired to dance. More than a few comments were made on how well it complimented my legs, and several cars even honked at us as we approached the venue.

I had taken the warning to heart, however, and I remained on alert. Moreover, I had prepared by coating four shurikens with Chilean Tree Frog venom and putting them in a concealed fanny pack along with a miniaturized kukri that is my favored weapon for close-in combat. I was glad I had, too, when just over one kilometer into the race, I spotted a shadowy figure moving amidst the trees on the interior of the course. It was pure chance that he caught my eye, because at the time, I was running hard and battling a severe side-cramp and possibly dehydration as well.

Fortunately, at just that moment, I was passed by a small six-year old girl wearing rainbow leggings and kitten ears, as well as an elderly woman who was moving surprisingly fast despite using a walker. Taking advantage of the two of them blocking me from the stalker's sight, I threw myself to the ground, rolled behind a tree, then low-crawled behind the stalker, who, based on his apparel, was a garden variety corporate ninja. I heard him speaking Japanese on his phone, saying that he'd just lost contact with the target, which told me that he was merely the spotter. I waited to see if I could learn anything more from him, and it soon became apparent that the hit team for whom he was spotting were planning to make their move just after the yellow station at the midway point.

I hit him with a shuriken behind the ear before launching my attack, and although he evaded my Reverse Eagle Strike and came back at me using a modified Tibetan Drunken Monkey style with which I've always had trouble, I managed to block both a Spinning Roundhouse Spider-kick and a High-Low Butterfly Jab before the poison took effect. Unfortunately, the venom hit him harder than I'd expected and he collapsed unconscious before I could find out how many hitters there were, or who sent them, but based on the particular modification of his kung-fu, I was fairly certain that it would be a two-man team of hand-to-hand specialists from a Singapore-based "security" company that operates behind the false front of a wealth management division of Deutsche Bank.

So, I retrieved my shurikin from his neck, wiped my fingerprints off it and buried it, feeling a little more secure in the knowledge of where the attack would take place. I thought about taking his phone and using it to set a trap for the hit team, but I realized that my Sagamihara accent would only alert them to the fact that something wasn't on the up and up. So, I returned to the course, and I have to admit, knowing that the hit team was waiting for me worried me considerably less than the fact that I had nearly four more kilometers to go.

More to come....

Labels:

80 Comments:

Blogger Stg58/Animal Mother September 25, 2016 8:51 AM  

Could you have moved to tour left a bit? Thanks...

Blogger Shimshon September 25, 2016 8:58 AM  

Looks like you lost weight. Fat shaming works.

Anonymous Apollyon September 25, 2016 8:59 AM  

All that fighting will have a negative impact on your time. You'll likely not catch up to the elderly women or the 6 year old.

Blogger rumpole5 September 25, 2016 9:00 AM  

Priceless! Thanks for including us!

Blogger Alexander September 25, 2016 9:00 AM  

At this rate, I predict by kilometer 2 nobody will [be left to] pass you!

Blogger Scott C September 25, 2016 9:03 AM  

Nice physique boss.

Anonymous VFM 392083455 September 25, 2016 9:20 AM  

can't stop laughing

there should at least be some silvered skulls dangling from that......thing


Blogger Lovekraft September 25, 2016 9:25 AM  

Right...

Blogger Fatherless September 25, 2016 9:27 AM  

"she expressed a keen wish to feel my teeth in her flesh, a sentiment that she managed to phrase in an admirably succinct manner."

"Bite me." I love it.

Blogger SouthRon September 25, 2016 9:28 AM  

tl;dr: We went to Switzerland for the run. It was cold. I was bold. Sea of words. Maybe they won't notice the tutu.

Anonymous Dave September 25, 2016 9:32 AM  

"Bite me!" the brave buff bikini babe barked.

Anonymous Ironsides September 25, 2016 9:37 AM  

I love the smell of SAN loss in the morning. :P

Blogger Aeoli Pera September 25, 2016 9:41 AM  

Lol, "possibly dehydration".

I'm gonna go run three miles now, not for any particular reason, just bored and waiting for the coffee pot to finish.

Blogger Aeoli Pera September 25, 2016 9:43 AM  

Agreed, your tutu is much nicer than Spacebunny's. Very high-energy.

Blogger rycamor September 25, 2016 9:45 AM  

So brave. Thanks for this.

Anonymous 6184 September 25, 2016 9:47 AM  

The (totally necessary) neutralization of the spotter undoubtedly cost you precious time off the clock!

Anonymous MMX2010 September 25, 2016 9:49 AM  

Thank you for posting this. You both look great.

Anonymous Bob Just September 25, 2016 9:55 AM  

Good call on the selection of a more aerodynamic Tutu.

Reminds me a bit of The Ninja series by Eric von Lustbader.

Did you hit the guy with the shurikin behind the ears with just one throw, two throws from the same arm, or a single double-arm throw?

What did you do to remove traces of the venom?

Blogger residentMoron September 25, 2016 9:55 AM  

"thanks for that, everyone who donated."

You're welcome.

It was worth every cent.

Blogger rycamor September 25, 2016 9:56 AM  

Voxman is buckaroo, knows way of hard buds...

Blogger Jack Ward September 25, 2016 9:57 AM  

Well done, Dark Lord! Few are those that might wish to ridicule you; what with those arm muscles...

Blogger Anonymous-9 September 25, 2016 10:08 AM  

Glad it went well. I'm relieved.

Anonymous Philipp September 25, 2016 10:12 AM  

Wait - what?

You are in Lausanne today? I was there yesterday and missed you by a day.

Pity. I would have liked to shake your hand and thank you for the great work you are doing.

Blogger Jeff Wood September 25, 2016 10:14 AM  

That Tibetan Drunken Monkey fighting style is the business, and still serves me well in the second half of my sixties.

Blogger Brian S September 25, 2016 10:23 AM  

If I had known we were getting a short story saga along with the humiliation I would have donated more!

Blogger Orville September 25, 2016 10:27 AM  

Your bitch Johnny Con is going to be sooo jeealous! He can't rock a tutu like you.

Blogger Ingot9455 September 25, 2016 10:28 AM  

"I feel pretty, oh so pretty..."

And on the topic of 'only runner in a bikini'... it is late September in Switzerland too, just as it is here in the states?

Anonymous VFM #6306 September 25, 2016 10:33 AM  

Sigma in a tutu is not the same as Gamma in a dress. The memes...the memes...

Blogger exfarmkid September 25, 2016 10:33 AM  

Love the story - and now we know your secret: You put on a tutu, dehydrate yourself, and then start channeling P.G. Wodehouse.

The photo containing a very hot Spacebunny is appreciated. The half of the photo containing you imitating a hairless albino gorilla in a rainbow tutu...shudder.....but you still look a hell of a lot more manly than Scalzi.

Blogger Didact September 25, 2016 10:34 AM  

Vox Day in a tutu actually isn't quite as terrifying as I thought it would be.

(Still not something I'll forget in a hurry, though- eye bleach, anyone? Anyone? Please?!)

The story is damn funny, though.

Blogger Didact September 25, 2016 10:36 AM  

exfarmkid wrote:Love the story - and now we know your secret: You put on a tutu, dehydrate yourself, and then start channeling P.G. Wodehouse.


And they say every love story has already been told...

Anonymous VFM #6306 September 25, 2016 10:37 AM  

Worse than the elites? I'm guessing it wasn't a six-one badass "ex" Marine...

Blogger Nate September 25, 2016 10:40 AM  

Vox..

You are the whitest red man on the planet.

Anonymous kfg September 25, 2016 10:47 AM  

That toe pose reveals some seriously nice legs.

Too bad you're in the way of the rest. Step a bit to the side next time.

Anonymous WaterBoy September 25, 2016 10:54 AM  

Wait, wait, wait....isn't that the finish line in the background, there? Looks more like 5K centimeters away, and I'm sure you can handle that, even in your tutued condition....

Kudos to Spacebunny, for raising money for a good cause.

Blogger Happy Housewife September 25, 2016 11:06 AM  

Only SB could rock a fanny pack and still look cool. Unlike certain other folks we could name.

Blogger JaimeInTexas September 25, 2016 11:16 AM  

That tutu of yours is a bit understated. You did not ask Milo for his advice on tutus.

Anonymous Seorge Goros September 25, 2016 11:21 AM  

You win this round Mister Day.

Anonymous FP September 25, 2016 11:44 AM  

Ninjas? Highly dubious Mr. VD. Now, if you'd said commie-nazi ninjas... well that is another thing altogether.

Blogger bob k. mando September 25, 2016 11:49 AM  

you've already got Chuck Tingle fantasizing about 'Voxman'.

do you really think it's a good idea to tease him with a tutu?

next thing you know, Chuck will be writing stories about exploding weiners into your butthole, Cornholio.

Anonymous Scrankle Biter September 25, 2016 12:04 PM  

Dude, can't you do anything about those scrawny ankles? Looks like your feet could snap off at any moment.

Blogger VD September 25, 2016 12:25 PM  

Dude, can't you do anything about those scrawny ankles?

I have always had delicate ankles. I expect they look delicious, which is why so many anklebiters devote so much effort to snapping at them.

Anonymous fish September 25, 2016 12:26 PM  

Dude, can't you do anything about those scrawny ankles? Looks like your feet could snap off at any moment.


What? You want him looking like the democrat nominee?

Anonymous Kyle September 25, 2016 12:29 PM  

This is glorious. Eight years of reading this blog have all led up to this moment, and it didn't disappoint.

Anonymous Pax_Romana September 25, 2016 12:30 PM  

Dark Lord, one must ask, will this become the VFM's new slave attire?


[and more on topic, since you are a sprinter, how did the miles treat you?]

Anonymous BGKB September 25, 2016 12:42 PM  

Is there no problem with taking knives like a kukri across borders in Europe?

You did not ask Milo for his advice on tutus.

One does not simply walk into Mordor or ask MILO for advice on tutus.

Anonymous kfg September 25, 2016 12:58 PM  

Muscles are mutable. Ankles are forever.

You can sculpt muscle to look more proportionate with skinny ankles, but then you'll look like a ballerino, instead of a defender with skinny ankles.

Ya pays yer money and ya takes yer choice.

Anonymous Kali i ka da September 25, 2016 1:09 PM  

Drunken monkey always makes the opponent looking like the poor smuck who has had spaghetti spilled on him by the waiter. I hate the monkey part of drunken.

Blogger Harsh September 25, 2016 1:16 PM  

There are some things a man just can't un-see...

Blogger bob k. mando September 25, 2016 1:23 PM  

send not for whom the Chuck jingles,
he tingles for thee

Blogger Owen September 25, 2016 1:28 PM  

Awesome story! Well done old man!

Blogger l' Américain September 25, 2016 2:00 PM  

This is really killing my image of you as a dark leader.

Blogger Josh (the gayest thing here) September 25, 2016 2:06 PM  

Money well spent

Blogger Salt September 25, 2016 2:48 PM  

l' Américain wrote:This is really killing my image of you as a dark leader.

As only Nixon could go to China, only a Dark Lord can wear a tutu.

Blogger Matt September 25, 2016 2:53 PM  

I know you're a sprinter, but you've also been a soccer player your whole life. Why the difficulty with non-brief running?

Blogger Earl September 25, 2016 2:59 PM  

This is what happens... stay off of Chuck Tingle Web pages. Ok?

Anonymous NateM September 25, 2016 3:15 PM  

Don't Lie, you ran in the Sunglasses, didn't you? As for the fanny pack, if it worked for The Rock...

Anonymous Viidad September 25, 2016 3:16 PM  

Ingot9455 wrote:"...it is late September in Switzerland too, just as it is here in the states?

Though it's true that the months change from time zone to time zone as you march across the globe, Switzerland, since it's exactly 360 degrees around the other side of the planet from the USA, shares our months. Very helpful for Vox as he comments on the Trump/Clinton race.

Anonymous NateM September 25, 2016 3:28 PM  

Dude, can't you do anything about those scrawny ankles?

I have always had delicate ankles. I expect they look delicious, which is why so many anklebiters devote so much effort to snapping at them.


Unlike the naturally slight shoulders you've mentioned before, not much you can do about ankles. Though for a sprinter I was expecting some beefier calves. Was the Fanny Pack where you put your CCW?

Blogger Thucydides September 25, 2016 4:53 PM  

Killing SJWs, supporting a good cause and getting a short story all at once!

No wonder your reputation continues to grow....

Anonymous Wyrd the Adorable Deplorable September 25, 2016 4:57 PM  

Kek has truly blessed us today!

Blogger rycamor September 25, 2016 5:11 PM  

Your votes please... who wore it better?

Blogger The Kurgan September 25, 2016 5:14 PM  

Beautiful

Blogger Goy Rogers September 25, 2016 5:14 PM  

Thanks for being such a good sport in support of another worthy cause. Noblesse oblige, FTW

Anonymous TLM September 25, 2016 5:16 PM  

Either you've given in to the long-short phenomenon that has plagued short guys for the past 20 years which makes them all look like hobbits (look at 1980's short lengths), or you skip leg day a lot.

Anonymous BGKB September 25, 2016 5:20 PM  

"...it is late September in Switzerland too, just as it is here in the states?"

Its the same season but Switzerland has many mountains high enough that are still glacier capped in summer. Its southern of the equator that has opposite seasons like Brazil/Argentina and Australia.

Anonymous cheddarman September 25, 2016 5:40 PM  

Perhaps there will be a new alt-west meme of Pepe in a tutu

Blogger VD September 25, 2016 5:41 PM  

you skip leg day a lot.

I never do legs. I play soccer. I don't need to lug another 10 pounds around the field.

Blogger weka September 25, 2016 5:52 PM  

Reminds me a bit of The Ninja series by Eric von Lustbader.

He is going for pastiche, but writes too well.

Blogger Noah B September 25, 2016 5:57 PM  

Is there video of this? If so, I'll dub in Waltz of the Flowers.

Anonymous Wyrd the Adorable Deplorable September 25, 2016 6:11 PM  

Is there video of this? If so, I'll dub in Waltz of the Flowers.

Nay, Sugar Plum Fairy.

Anonymous a deplorable rubberducky September 25, 2016 6:23 PM  

Now that is one very unlikely Supreme Dark Lord. But it only adds to the mysterious allure in the end. What strange times indeed!

Anonymous kfg September 25, 2016 6:31 PM  

"I never do legs. I play soccer. I don't need to lug another 10 pounds around the field."

5 pounds on your legs, 5 pounds off your upper body, makes Vox faster with more endurance on the field.

Especially if you're a fast twitch guy. More muscle fibers means you have more overhead as you burn them out.

Anonymous (((Harve Bennett))) September 25, 2016 6:45 PM  

5 pounds on your legs, 5 pounds off your upper body, makes Vox faster with more endurance on the field.

Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world's first bionic man. Vox Day will be that man. Better than he was before. Better...stronger...fatter in the ankles.

Anonymous Takin' a Deplorable Look September 25, 2016 8:05 PM  

:-) this put a smile on my face. Hopefully this Crohn's disease vaccine pans out and yet another chronic illness is phased out of this world.

Anonymous Mec September 25, 2016 9:03 PM  

Hi - larious, you made my night

Anonymous wEz September 25, 2016 9:29 PM  

Vox, I actually didn't notice the tutu right away. I was too busy checking out the flawless legs on the girls behind you under your armpit lol.

Blogger CM September 25, 2016 11:26 PM  

I was passed by a small six-year old girl wearing rainbow leggings and kitten ears, as well as an elderly woman who was moving surprisingly fast despite using a walker

My favorite part.

Tutu needs more pink. When you do this next year, what's the minimum donation for a hot pink, sparkly tutu that would make my 4 year old weep with jealousy?

Anonymous Anonymous September 26, 2016 4:56 AM  

Tutu needs more pink. When you do this next year, what's the minimum donation for a hot pink, sparkly tutu that would make my 4 year old weep with jealousy?

Blogger SciVo September 26, 2016 7:03 AM  

Oh screw it. This is not my night for putting thoughts into words.

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