ALL BLOG POSTS AND COMMENTS COPYRIGHT (C) 2003-2016 VOX DAY. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. REPRODUCTION WITHOUT WRITTEN PERMISSION IS EXPRESSLY PROHIBITED.

Monday, September 26, 2016

The Color Run: a story of courage, endurance, and ninjas, part II

One thing I failed to make clear in the first part of my story about surviving the Color Run is that there were over 10,000 people taking part in it. Not only that, but the start was staggered, so that a constant flow of runners were going through the course. That's why, when I made my way back onto the trail after taking out the spotter for the Singapore hit team, I was immediately caught up in a torrent of runners, their white shirts stained blue from the first color station, who were running considerably faster than I had been previously running myself.

I joined them, but I hadn't run far when I saw a flash of pink and yellow that was, incongruously, moving against the blue-and-white flow of runners. It was Spacebunny, easy to spot in her bikini-and-tutu lack of attire, and she had come back for me after my failure to arrive at the next color station in a timely manner.

"What happened?" she exclaimed as we met up and stepped off to the side of the trail. "Even you can't possibly take that long to run two kilometers. I got worried, and when none of the security unicorns I hired said they'd seen you, I ran back to find you."

"Spotter," I gasped, being badly out of breath after having run at least another 80 meters. "Singapore!"

"Ah," she said, understanding instantly. "You're saying there is a two-man team of corporate assault ninjas from that security company that operates behind the false front of a wealth management division of Deutsche Bank in Singapore, the one that Big Dan used to work for, somewhere on the course up ahead! I assume you took out the spotter. Is that what delayed you?"

I nodded and wished I'd remembered to bring my inhaler, as she'd recommended the night before. I also found myself wondering what the hourly rate for a team of security unicorns might be and how much hiring one was going to cost me. To tell you the truth, I wasn't impressed with their performance thus far.

"Any idea where they are?"

"Yellow!" I said, plucking at my shirt.

"They're waiting at the yellow station? Probably right after it. That gives me an idea." Spacebunny put her hands on her tutu-covered hips and frowned. "Okay, so here's what we'll do. You'll cut through the forest while I run the course. I'll run ahead and find a bald guy, and get him to put on my tutu before he goes through the yellow station. That will distract the hitters, it will take them a few seconds before they realize it isn't you, and you can take them out then."

"Unicorns?"

"No, they're paid to keep an eye out for you, not take on corporate assault ninjas. You'll have to do it yourself."

I couldn't argue with her logic. But, it occurred to me, there was another problem.

"How are you going to get the guy to put on the tutu?" I had recovered sufficiently to speak in full sentences, if short ones.

She stared at me in sympathy a moment, then made a gesture with both hands as if to say "I am a pretty blonde gym bunny wearing a bikini and I could make the average middle-aged guy rip out his testicles and juggle them for me just by smiling and asking pretty please, so I think I can handle this without any trouble, thank you very much." Then she slipped out of her tutu, causing numerous heads to whip around, and one young man ran directly into a large oak tree.

"See?" she winked and ran off with her tutu in hand, wearing nothing but her blue bikini. It belatedly occurred to me that I was wearing a tutu at that very moment myself, and at her behest, no less, so any doubts in her ability to convince others to do the same were more than a little ironic, to say nothing of misplaced.

As per the plan, I cut across the forest to the trail on the far side, thankfully cutting at least 1.5 kilometers off my route. It turned out that this side of the course ran along a lake shore, and I had to decide whether the yellow station was to my left or to my right. A glance at the passing runners revealed that their shirts were stained and spotted with yellow to go with the green and the blue, so I slipped back into the trees and quietly made my way to the right, against the flow of the runners.

Soon the yellow station came into view, and there, sure enough, were the pair of corporate ninjas, both standing about five meters into the trees in a position giving them an excellent view of the runners coming out of the yellow station, where volunteers in yellow t-shirts were showering everyone with yellow dust that tasted rather like the interior of a snail shell left out in the sun for weeks from which the snail meat had mostly, but not entirely, rotted.

I waited until I saw the man in the yellow tutu emerging from the clouds of yellow dust and their attention was entirely focused on him, just as Spacebunny intended. I slipped closer, took out a pair of shuriken from my fanny pack, and nailed both of them with two well-practiced flicks of the wrist. As they whirled around, surprise and agony etched upon their faces, I unbuckled my fanny pack, stepped out from behind a tree, and held it up in front of them.

"I have the antidote in here," I lied. "Tell me who sent you after me and I'll give it to you."

To my surprise, the ninja on the left laughed. He wasn't true Japanese, he was Ainu, and his accent in English gave away his Asahikawa origins.

"Chilean, I think," he said, as he reached into a pocket and took out a small plastic box, and opened it to reveal 24 styrettes. There were two of each kind, and each pair was marked with a different kanji indicating a poison. "You are too predictable, Day-san. Do you think we did not know about Madrid?"

He injected himself first, then handed a similarly-labeled styrette to his silent companion, who did the same.  In a matter of seconds, they were no longer showing any signs of being poisoned, and upon recovering, they both drew razor-sharp katanas from the matte-black scabbards they were wearing. I pulled my mini-kukri out of the fanny pack, but I have to admit, I didn't much like my odds. Both ninjas were wearing stab vests with panels that were probably titanium alloy inserts, plus full tactical combat gear down to the elbow pads, while I was protected by nothing but a white t-shirt and a multi-colored tutu. And I was outnumbered.

"John Scalzi sends his regards," the previously silent one said. Then they attacked, moving as one, with all the grim fury of two ronin avenging their fallen master. I managed to avoid the first two strokes, either of which would have cut me in two, and lashed out with a Flowing River strike that should have disemboweled the Asahikawa man, but the blade bounced right off the stab vest's belly plate with no more effect than rain falling on a stone.

I whirled around to meet them again, but this time, the quiet one's do-uchi was a feint, and when I sidestepped the strike that wasn't there, he adroitly went to the ground, hooked my ankle, and sent me sprawling. My kukri flew from my hand as I fell, leaving me unarmed. The Asahikawa man was on me as quick as a flash; he stood over me with his katana raised, point downward, and I knew that there was nothing I could do to stop him from pinning me to the ground. A single thought flashed through my mind. "Wow, some people are really going to be pissed that I didn't finish A Sea of Skulls first!"

Then, without warning, the man's head flew from his body and blood fountained over me as if we were at the red station. The weight of his armored body nearly took my wind away as it collapsed on top of me. With no little effort, I managed to push the fallen ninja's corpse off me, and scrambled to my feet in time to see a small, slender, bespectacled Japanese man wearing a runner's outfit standing over the motionless body of the other ninja with a dripping wakizashi in his hand. He looked familiar, somehow, but I could not for the life of me imagine who he was or where I had seen him before.

He turned and raised a finger, as if admonishing me. "Never rely upon the same tactic twice, Mr. Day. Particularly not twice in succession. It makes you far too easy to anticipate."

Then I realized where it was that I had seen him. Paris. Cernovich. A midnight strike. Four ghazis sprawled lifeless in a cheap hotel room overlooking the Gare du Nord, and a shadow slipping out the window just as we burst in.

More to come....

Labels:

54 Comments:

Blogger Aeoli Pera September 26, 2016 6:52 AM  

And of course the unicorn security was nowhere to be found. Useless!

Blogger weka September 26, 2016 6:53 AM  

Heh. Van Lustbader would have taken out half the field by now and used mystical ninja fu to get you running ahead of the winner.


Blogger exfarmkid September 26, 2016 6:59 AM  

Nothing like a good dose of humorous absurdity to start the day. Thanks, VD!

Blogger Earl September 26, 2016 7:08 AM  

This is getting really serious

Anonymous Onlooker September 26, 2016 7:12 AM  

Some good writing here, Vox. You've piqued my interest. I'm gonna have to get around to reading a book or two of yours. Any recommendation for a first?

Blogger Dave September 26, 2016 7:15 AM  

Soooo, it was Scalzi the whole time. I knew it!

But Paris too? Everyone knows what that means!

Anonymous Littlest Hellhound September 26, 2016 7:16 AM  

This is brilliant. Made my day.

Blogger Michael Maier September 26, 2016 7:19 AM  

"Wow, they're really going to be pissed that I didn't finish A Sea of Skulls first."

IT'S NOT FINISHED YET?????????

Blogger Fatherless September 26, 2016 7:22 AM  

VOX DAY CHEATED VOX DAY DIDNT RUN THE FULL ROUTE CHEATER CHEATER

Blogger VD September 26, 2016 7:23 AM  

Some good writing here, Vox. You've piqued my interest. I'm gonna have to get around to reading a book or two of yours. Any recommendation for a first?

You're not the first to ask. I shall prepare a post on the subject, as Mike Cernovich has already recommended I do.

TL;DR: SF = Quantum Mortis: A Man Disrupted. Fantasy = A Magic Broken. Non-fiction = SJWs Always Lie.

Anonymous VFM #6306 September 26, 2016 7:23 AM  

So brave, brave.

Blogger Fenris Wulf September 26, 2016 7:27 AM  

This reminds me of the time I was being chased by killer robots from the future and I had to knock out their CPU's by building a magnetic pulse generator out of random junk. Apparently the earth is a poisonous wasteland in 2099 because I didn't recycle my trash.

Blogger FALPhil September 26, 2016 7:29 AM  

Entertaining, but I wish you would spend the time and talent working on ATOB.

Anonymous Athor Pel September 26, 2016 7:30 AM  

"4. Blogger Earl September 26, 2016 7:08 AM
This is getting really serious
"


No, it's super cereal.

Blogger Christopher Yost September 26, 2016 7:48 AM  

Cernovich doesn't look Japanesey in his pics...

Blogger SouthRon September 26, 2016 8:02 AM  

I gave you shit yesterday, but it is good to see The Dark Lord can do light humor. Sometimes it's the only thing that gets you through, especially when you are dealing with an ill family member.

Here's hoping this leads to a timely cure.

Blogger Josh (the gayest thing here) September 26, 2016 8:22 AM  

Cernovich doesn't look Japanesey in his pics...

That's insensitive of you: how do you know he doesn't self identify as Japanese? Trans jap lives matter too.

Anonymous Avalanche September 26, 2016 8:25 AM  

@1 "And of course the unicorn security was nowhere to be found. Useless!"

Hmmm, except since the unicorns were not protection against ninjas, SB probably hired them to be his HEALTH rangers... perhaps instead of his inhaler, Vox just needed to breath unicorn farts (multicolored of course, to match his tutu!) to get his breath back?

Anonymous Instasetting September 26, 2016 8:34 AM  

Nice. I enjoy first person with uber skills in weird or alternate universe stories.

Anonymous Onlooker September 26, 2016 8:45 AM  

VD wrote: TL;DR: SF = Quantum Mortis: A Man Disrupted. Fantasy = A Magic Broken. Non-fiction = SJWs Always Lie.

Thanks. BTW, I've already read Cuckservative and SJWAL. You really opened my eyes and enlightened me in the former. I especially liked the interview you added after the book proper. Great stuff. I'm now looking at things in a new light (i.e. red-pilled). So I'm now a disaffected libertarian.

I still think we can make that kind of thing work (along the lines of what the brilliant US forefathers created), but not in a "vibrant" country.

Anonymous krymneth September 26, 2016 8:45 AM  

So... semi-seriously... security unicorns? I would have assumed that was complete fabrication, except there's a photo of at least a one person dressed up as a unicorn. Did they actually have security unicorns? Because if so, that's so lame that it wraps around back to kinda awesome.

Blogger Student in Blue September 26, 2016 9:15 AM  

I pulled my mini-kukri out of the fanny pack, but I have to admit, I didn't much like my odds.

Wow, this just completely knocked me out of my suspension of disbelief. A mini-kukri in a fanny pack? That's just absurd! That's just too much!

Anonymous 5343 Kinds of Deplorable September 26, 2016 9:25 AM  

Well, if we're not getting Sea of Skulls any time soon, this will have to suffice ...

Blogger Brian Niemeier September 26, 2016 9:57 AM  

"TL;DR: SF = Quantum Mortis: A Man Disrupted."

Recommendation seconded.

Anonymous MEC September 26, 2016 10:22 AM  

Oh Man! This had me in stitches. More, I say, more. It's Great how the Dark Lord shows himself to be humble in his own imagination. This is a sign of greatness.

Blogger cheddarman September 26, 2016 10:27 AM  

I figured Scalzi would try to knock you off with a Lesbian Gypsy Dwarf assassin team. Ninjas are so cis-male.

Blogger Ingot9455 September 26, 2016 10:42 AM  

@21 Did they actually have security unicorns, he asked. Apparently you've never been to the Switzerland furry cons.

Blogger CM September 26, 2016 10:44 AM  

This is just VD's attempt to disguise the fact he pulled a reverse tortoise/hare and the tortoise took a nap instead of running :p

Blogger Brian S September 26, 2016 10:49 AM  

I'm going to have to consider a rainbow colored tutu for deer hunting this year, it appears to be a superior woodland concealment pattern.

Blogger slarrow September 26, 2016 11:14 AM  

I keep expecting Tom Stranger to show up and finish taking out the ninjas. Maybe the old Japanese guy is a subcontractor....

Anonymous Pax_Romana September 26, 2016 11:22 AM  

@18
To think, The Dark Lord's lady hired outside protection, when all she had to do was mobilise the Vile Faceless Minions to throw themselves in front of katanas and shurikens! Surely it is a sad day for VFM everywhere...

Blogger CM September 26, 2016 11:26 AM  

To think, The Dark Lord's lady hired outside protection, when all she had to do was mobilise the Vile Faceless Minions to throw themselves in front of katanas and shurikens! Surely it is a sad day for VFM everywhere...
----

Who says they weren't? The supreme Dark Lord in a tutu and the VFM disguised as unicorns.

Spacebunny is the True Supreme Dark Lord. The Ultimate Master Persuader.

Blogger Anonymous-9 September 26, 2016 11:31 AM  

**********John Scalzi sends his regards.*******
I didn't think he had the money for a hit. I'll add him to my worry list.

Blogger Aeoli Pera September 26, 2016 11:34 AM  

Avalanche wrote:@1 "And of course the unicorn security was nowhere to be found. Useless!"

Hmmm, except since the unicorns were not protection against ninjas, SB probably hired them to be his HEALTH rangers... perhaps instead of his inhaler, Vox just needed to breath unicorn farts (multicolored of course, to match his tutu!) to get his breath back?


The science on this is settled, anyone who denies it must be poor and alone.

Blogger Noah B September 26, 2016 11:40 AM  

Long story short, you took a shortcut through the forest because ninjas? Glad you're alive though.

Blogger Rusty Fife September 26, 2016 12:00 PM  

Brian S wrote:I'm going to have to consider a rainbow colored tutu for deer hunting this year, it appears to be a superior woodland concealment pattern.

I have been reliably informed that white coveralls and just stomping around;makes white tail think you aren't a hunter and they'll just lay low instead of bounding off.

Anonymous BGKB September 26, 2016 12:26 PM  

Cernovich doesn't look Japanesey in his pics...

Next you will say Sara Hoyt doesn't look like a native American.

Blogger Brian S September 26, 2016 12:30 PM  

"I have been reliably informed that white coveralls and just stomping around;makes white tail think you aren't a hunter and they'll just lay low instead of bounding off."

Think this would work?

http://static.fjcdn.com/pictures/Epic_080bcd_746930.jpg

Blogger J Van Stry September 26, 2016 12:57 PM  

This is what happens when you make sprinters run marathons. Even short ones...

OpenID tmdfos September 26, 2016 12:58 PM  

You're playing with fire here, VD. You do realize of course that this will have to be nominated for a Hugo next year, right?
I can hear the howls of triggered SJWs flowing back from the future already. It's delicious!

Blogger Rusty Fife September 26, 2016 1:02 PM  

I was wondering if it isn't all just some psyco-sexual obvuscation to cover for wearing the tutu.

This whole 'game', 'state control', and 'SMV rank' must come into play. I lack the insight to comprehend it.

Blogger Rusty Fife September 26, 2016 1:03 PM  

tmdfos wrote:You're playing with fire here, VD. You do realize of course that this will have to be nominated for a Hugo next year, right?

I can hear the howls of triggered SJWs flowing back from the future already. It's delicious!


Genius.

Anonymous WaterBoy September 26, 2016 1:07 PM  

tmdfos @40: " You do realize of course that this will have to be nominated for a Hugo next year, right?"

Not sure how ninjas fit into either SF or F.

Maybe if it had a miniature T-Rex in it or something....

Wait...are the ninjas cyborgian, perchance?

Anonymous VFM #6306 September 26, 2016 1:09 PM  

Chapter 2 of Lea of Lulz

Anonymous VFM #6306 September 26, 2016 1:13 PM  

Waterboy, you are missing that the plot centers on the most hated man in science fiction. Best Related, no problem. Probably best short story, and if it ends like I think it is going to end (with the phrase "unicorn hate" typed 30,0000 times, ending in an ellipsis) then we've got the candidate for Best Novel on our hands.

Anonymous WaterBoy September 26, 2016 1:32 PM  

VFM #6306 @45: "Best Related, no problem."

Oh, well, in that case...carry on.

Anonymous VFM #6306 September 26, 2016 1:33 PM  

And if you don't have a shirt that says "This Colored Doesn't Run" yet, well...time for another request to ye olde T-shirt shoppe.

OpenID tmdfos September 26, 2016 1:35 PM  

@43
It's a fantasy story, right? Or is it...
cyborg ninjas would be cool. VD needs to get some anime type art for the books interior art.
Although I must protest about the Saurian bias. I'm sure there are a few unicorns who identify as t-rexes but that's no reason to say that regular unicorns can't be just awesome sci-fant characters. After all they are lead by a Space Bunny!

Blogger Noah B September 26, 2016 1:44 PM  

@33 A little known fact about John Scalzi: he's a close personal friend of Mario Draghi.

Blogger Bard September 26, 2016 1:50 PM  

Unicorns. Worthless creatures.

Blogger weka September 26, 2016 2:21 PM  

The Dark Lord's lady hired outside protection, when all she had to do was mobilise the Vile Faceless Minions to throw themselves in front of katanas and shurikens! Surely it is a sad day for VFM everywhere.

Scalzi and his genderqueer ninjas are not a threat. Unicorn furries would suffice. The Dark Lord is reserving Maewyn and the Vile Legions and the Ilk until it matters.

Anonymous Just Stopping By September 26, 2016 2:30 PM  

Great writing! Wonderful story!

I definitely think you'll need a lot more ninjas to cover-up and completely distract from the photos of you in a rainbow tutu.

I suspect the "bite me" was more along the line of:

VD in rainbow tutu speaking to Spacebunny = "I make this look good!"
Spacebunny in bikini and running shoes with hands on hips: "Bite me!"

Just saying ...

Anonymous a deplorable rubberducky September 26, 2016 2:33 PM  

PSA WARNING: Vox Day's Family Considered Dangerous!

http://www.breitbart.com/london/2016/09/25/blond-cheerful-families-dangerous-right/

Can you believe these anti-human lunatic SJWs?

Blogger stevo September 26, 2016 3:09 PM  

I don't know if this is typical of your style, but I suddenly am much more interested in checking out some of your novels

Post a Comment

Rules of the blog
Please do not comment as "Anonymous". Comments by "Anonymous" will be spammed.

<< Home

Newer Posts Older Posts