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Monday, March 06, 2017

THE CORRODING EMPIRE - preorder now!

Galactic society is ruled by algorithms. From interstellar travel and planetary terraforming to artificial intelligence and agriculture, every human endeavor has become completely dependent upon the hypercomplex equations that optimize the activities making life possible across hundreds of inhabited worlds. Throughout the galaxy, Man has become dependent upon the reliable operation of ten million different automated systems.

And when things begin to go wrong and mysterious accidents begin to happen, no one has any idea what is happening, except for a sentient medical drone and the First Technocrat of Continox. But the challenge of fixing the unthinkably complicated problem of galaxy-wide algorithmic decay is made considerably more difficult by the fact the former is an outlaw and the latter is facing a death sentence.

THE CORRODING EMPIRE marks the English-language debut of Johan Kalsi, Finland's hottest science fiction author. An accomplished geneticist as well as a 6'3" ex-Finnish Marine, in THE CORRODING EMPIRE, Kalsi shows himself to be more Asimovian than Isaac Asimov himself!

THE CORRODING EMPIRE
is now available for preorder on Amazon with a retail price of $4.99. It will be released on March 20, 2017. And speaking of corroding empires, one can't help but note that Tor Books has slashed the preorder price of John Scalzi's The Collapsing Empire from $25.99 to $13.68, presumably due to insufferably good, think-y prose such as this:
Kiva Lagos was busily fucking the brains out of the assistant purser she’d been after for the last six weeks of the Yes, Sir, That’s My Baby’s trip from Lankaran to End when Second Officer Waylov Brennir entered her stateroom, unannounced. “You’re needed,” he said.

“I’m a little busy at the moment,” Kiva said. She’d just finally gotten herself into a groove, so fuck Waylov (not literally, he was awful) if she was going to get out of the groove just because he walked into it. 
The Third Edition of The Encyclopedia of Science Fiction says: "If anyone stands at the core of the American science fiction tradition at the moment, it is Scalzi." That explains a great deal about the precipitous decline of American science fiction, does it not? The award-winning McRapey is, we are frequently informed, the very best that 29-time Best Publisher Tor Books and mainstream science fiction has to offer. That may be true. Nevertheless, from concept to cover, from title to text, THE CORRODING EMPIRE  is a very clear and public demonstration that the Castalia House team can do what they do, and do it better, even as an in-house joke in our copious spare time.

After all, what would be more amusing than for THE CORRODING EMPIRE to outsell and outrank The Collapsing Empire? This isn't a lame Bored of the Rings-style parody, it is, quite to the contrary, a legitimate Foundation-style novel that effectively demonstrates how hapless Tor's latest imitative mediocrity is by comparison.
The first number produced by the extrapolated algorithm was off by one-ten billionth. There were nine zeros behind the decimal point. It was a tiny error, all but impossible to detect unless one was looking specifically for it.

The second number was off by twice that. Two in ten billion. Or, rather, one in five billion. One might more reasonably fear being struck by lightning. On a cloudless day. Indoors.

And yet, it didn’t matter. It wasn’t the size of the error that was relevant so much as the fact that it existed at all. Somehow, he concluded, even though it was impossible, the data set must have become garbled. Garbage in, garbage out. Geist had run the extrap-algo more than a million times in the past month, using it to check and and recheck Orland’s agro-surveys. But there was no denying it. Somewhere, somehow, something had introduced an unknown variability into the process, but whether it was to be found in the data or the equations, he did not know. 

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113 Comments:

Anonymous 5343 Kinds of Deplorable March 06, 2017 8:09 AM  

Ordered!

Blogger Jack Aubrey March 06, 2017 8:14 AM  

Ordered. This is clearly destined for Hugo glory!

Blogger Salt March 06, 2017 8:20 AM  

using it to check and and re-check

Missed edit or algo error? Story looks interesting. Ordered.

Anonymous Ezekiel Cassandros March 06, 2017 8:22 AM  

.....
Johan Kalsi.

Well played.

Blogger Mr.MantraMan March 06, 2017 8:24 AM  

Marine and bad ass no doubt

Blogger Josh (the gayest thing here) March 06, 2017 8:25 AM  

a 6'3" ex-Finnish Marine

Excellent

Anonymous LurkingPuppy March 06, 2017 8:31 AM  

a very clear and public demonstration that the Castalia House team can do what they do, and do it better, even as an in-house joke in our copious spare time.
John Scalzi truly is an inspiration to new writers everywhere.

Did you apply your Hugo-nominated editing skills to this, or is it [REDACTED]'s work unassisted?

Anonymous dh March 06, 2017 8:34 AM  

It has always occurred to me that Scalzi has never been part of a team OR a relationship which had a natural sexual dynamic.

The type of weird sexual casualness that he writes about in his snippet is poison to teams and organizations with a hierarchy. Everyone in a military setting knows this, it's why every effective military force for 1000 years has had extensive rules about the types of relationships that are acceptable.

And you can also tell from his writing about sexual encounters that he's projecting wildly. There is almost certainly a chore-list associated to Scalzi getting to enjoy the company of his wife.

Blogger VD March 06, 2017 8:42 AM  

Did you apply your Hugo-nominated editing skills to this, or is it [REDACTED]'s work unassisted?

I am, indeed, in the process of editing it. But I am not the author.

Blogger Gordon March 06, 2017 8:52 AM  

Do the Finns have a navy? I would think having one would be a requirement to having marines. In any case, it's going to be difficult to evaluate the quality of the writing without knowing the details of Kalsi's lawn.

In any case, I bought it. What's one more post-retirement skipped meal?

Blogger Gordon March 06, 2017 8:56 AM  

And frankly, I've always had a weakness for interstellar science fiction epics on Earth. This gives me the chance to broaden myself by reading an interstellar science fiction epic in space.

Blogger The Other Robot March 06, 2017 9:01 AM  

Pre-Ordered!

Anonymous Longtime Lurker March 06, 2017 9:07 AM  

Why the hell not. Ordered!

Anonymous Millenium March 06, 2017 9:12 AM  

Its taken Scalzi how many years to write his latest masterpiece? Please tell me Mr Kalsi started this novel as a joke last month and has already finished, that would be icing on the cake.

Blogger Markku March 06, 2017 9:16 AM  

Gordon wrote:Do the Finns have a navy?

Yes. We have 2500 marines.

Blogger VD March 06, 2017 9:18 AM  

Please tell me Mr Kalsi started this novel as a joke last month and has already finished, that would be icing on the cake.

It was January, but otherwise, can confirm. It's actually rather good. It certainly makes more sense than FOUNDATION ever did, and even has an amount of depth to it, given the obvious analogy to today's highly fragile techno-societies.

The old question was: who guards the guardians? The new question is: who decodes the self-coding algorithms?

Blogger Markku March 06, 2017 9:18 AM  

https://infogalactic.com/info/Finnish_Coastal_Jaegers

Blogger Kentucky Headhunter March 06, 2017 9:20 AM  

@Lurking Puppy

Agreed. Scalzi has enlightened me to the fact that I too could write a novel simply by sitting down and typing. Ideas be damned!

Blogger SouthRon March 06, 2017 9:24 AM  

Please tell me Johan's middle initial is S.

Blogger Gordon March 06, 2017 9:27 AM  

Thank you, Markku. I suspect any invader might find a surprising amount of difficulty dealing with these guys.

I would enjoy meeting you at the Castalia House hall at the con, were I able to figure out how to get there without blowing every penny of savings I have.

Anonymous Ezekiel Cassandros March 06, 2017 9:28 AM  

Please tell me Johan Kalsi is a rapper.

Blogger Gordon March 06, 2017 9:30 AM  

And speaking of, is there any interest in a CH package tour to the con? Airfare from New York or Boston or such, hotel, transfers, hooker/casino options, the usual? If there is, I could make inquiries.

OpenID sellerswords March 06, 2017 9:32 AM  

@21 We call them rappists :P

This is hilarious on so many levels. You are easily maintaining your master troll status, Vox.

Blogger VD March 06, 2017 9:32 AM  

Please tell me Johan's middle initial is S.

It is indeed!

Blogger S1AL March 06, 2017 9:35 AM  

Ex-Finnish. And a marine! How fascinating. I would like to subscribe to his newsletter.

Blogger The Kurgan March 06, 2017 9:36 AM  

I'll be buying this as soon as the plane lands.
Excellent.

Anonymous BrerFox March 06, 2017 9:38 AM  

Really.. that's Tor's golden boy? I've seen his blog, but never read an excerpt of Scalzi's 'professional' writing. It's like something out of bad fan fiction with less coherent sex scenes.

Is this new book by Kalsi intended to be a series or a one off?

Blogger Mr.MantraMan March 06, 2017 9:40 AM  

I doubt this rises to the artistic level of "Boned."

Blogger Gordon March 06, 2017 9:41 AM  

BrerFox, it's not ALL that bad. He'd have to be a much better writer to write at that level of badness consistently.

Anonymous Somme Boddet March 06, 2017 9:42 AM  

>Johan Kalsi

I look forward to the debut of other Castalia house luminaries, such as: M. Kay Lesymin, Chuck Dross, Marie Munchkinette Buildwal, and James C Pines. I also eagerly await Castalia's partnership with Australia's hottest Science Fiction writer: U. Habin Agiglemate.

Anonymous 360 March 06, 2017 9:47 AM  

Pre-ordered.

Blogger Nate March 06, 2017 9:48 AM  

"https://infogalactic.com/info/Finnish_Coastal_Jaegers"

crap.

I got excited there for a minute thinking finland was building giant combat robots

Blogger Dexter March 06, 2017 9:49 AM  

"It will be released on March 20, 2017."

Not April 1?

Blogger Dexter March 06, 2017 9:50 AM  

Before I purchase this, I need to know more about Johan Kalsi's wife, daughter, dress collection, and cats.

Anonymous Dyskord March 06, 2017 9:55 AM  

I've always wondered when watching/reading about galaxy spanning empires, how does the time differential work?
I mean Time and gravity is interlinked right?
So, the denser the gravity the swifter the procession of time likewise the less gravity the slower time lapses. I mean space is far stranger than the dumbed down tv shows depict.
Therefore It would be almost impossible to travel accurately based on a clock or calendar when skipping planets. Also since in order to displace space one needs to also have a value of time, that is to say if you plan on travelling 20 light years you need to know not only the exact coordinates you wish to arrive at, other wise you might choose to be in the space occupied by a planet/asteroid or other spacecraft etc but also the exact time of arrival or you might again find yourself in the wrong place. If that's true then your also time traveling. Therefore you could theoretically move not just to any point in the galaxy but to any time aswell.
I've always wondered why no one mentions that space travel is nothing like an intercontinental flight but most people complain and get confused regarding time zones yet no mentions this phenomena in sci fi which is meant to explore these weird and wacky things.

Blogger Student in Blue March 06, 2017 9:57 AM  

The award-winning McRapey is, we are frequently informed, the very best that 29-time Best Publisher Tor Books and mainstream science fiction has to offer. That may be true.

Hah. Ouch.

Anonymous BBGKB March 06, 2017 10:05 AM  

Is this a Chuck Tingle level book making fun of Scalzi or Serious Sci-Fi?

Before I purchase this, I need to know more about Johan Kalsi's wife, daughter, dress collection, and cats.

These girls can help you.
https://heatst.com/culture-wars/ohio-bookstore-flips-male-authored-books-displaying-them-backwards/

"To draw attention to female authors, a Cleveland bookstore celebrated Women’s History Month by turning every male-written book in the fiction room backward on its shelf.

Blogger DeploraBard March 06, 2017 10:13 AM  

A 6'3" bad ass marine named Joh(a)n Kazi. Far too coincidental. Maybe the algorithms are recycling author info?

Anonymous BrerFox March 06, 2017 10:15 AM  

BBGKB- why not both?

Gordon- That makes sense, thank you.

Blogger DeploraBard March 06, 2017 10:15 AM  

Or only really bad ass authors because they love dildo rocket ships

Blogger DeploraBard March 06, 2017 10:16 AM  

This comment has been removed by the author.

Blogger Revelation Means Hope March 06, 2017 10:17 AM  

Visited a San Francisco library recently. Always check out the SciFi section.
Sure enough, every single Scalzi book, in hardback, was proudly displayed. Along with every other SJW book that has been in recent news, especially the Hugo winners. They have been kept in "like new" condition. All of them.
Found one book (ONE) by Asimov. dog-eared. Two other books by Orson Scott Card. Beat up. This has been the case every time I visit any of the branches.

Think about it. In a SJW infested city, even they don't read the crappy SJW books, so they are always on the shelf and always in great condition. Looking online, they have the masters and plenty of their books, which you can request. But usually only one copy among dozens of libraries, and you have to request and wait, and wait and wait for it to come. Years after they were published.

Libraries have huge drives to get more people to come in a read books. And I know they track how often books are checked out. And yet in the Science Fiction section, they'd rather drive the narrative than stock the shelves with books that people want to read.

I pity the young reader who starts reading one of the masters, and then picks up one of the available SJW crapfests because the cover looks interesting, and it is the only type available when he returns the really good one. And with one or two books, decides that he really doesn't like science fiction or fantasy that much.

Blogger Silly But True March 06, 2017 10:17 AM  

@Dyskord:
It does get touched on in a numbervof stories. I've thought one of the first and best stories to address that issue specifically was Haldeman's The Forever War. The idea of leaving first with older technology and arriving later that someone who left later with newer technology, and then arriving after events had already occurred was interesting.

Blogger Melampus the Seer March 06, 2017 10:18 AM  

Continox. Heh!

Anonymous A Most Deplorable Paradigm Is More Than Twenty Cents March 06, 2017 10:27 AM  

VD
It certainly makes more sense than FOUNDATION ever did,

One of my faves, back in middle school. Since then, not so much. Wondering, was (((Asimov))) a Beta or a Gamma?

Anonymous Al Goreithm March 06, 2017 10:30 AM  

@38 DeploraBard
A 6'3" bad ass marine named Joh(a)n Kazi. Far too coincidental. Maybe the algorithms are recycling author info?

Are you insinuating something about global worming?

Blogger Titus Quinctius Cincinnatus March 06, 2017 10:32 AM  

Galactic society is ruled by algorithms. From interstellar travel and planetary terraforming to artificial intelligence and agriculture, every human endeavor has become completely dependent upon the hypercomplex equations that optimize the activities making life possible across hundreds of inhabited worlds. Throughout the galaxy, Man has become dependent upon the reliable operation of ten million different automated systems.

All I can say is that Jacques Ellul warned us.

Blogger Dave March 06, 2017 10:42 AM  

Johan Kalsi and Castalia House: Making Science Fiction Great Again

Pre-ordered

Blogger Mr.MantraMan March 06, 2017 10:52 AM  

If anyone here is so inspired by the newest Marine bad ass, Finnish style (mainly the Swedish speaking residents of Finland) and you want to LARP in style a mil surplus outfit called Varusteleka has some awesome Finn camo to outfit yourself.

Blogger Student in Blue March 06, 2017 11:06 AM  

The best part is that it's both less expensive and coming out before Scalzi's book.

Under budget and ahead of schedule!

Blogger VD March 06, 2017 11:15 AM  

Is this new book by Kalsi intended to be a series or a one off?

It will be a series. Specifically, an Interstellar Science Fiction Epic Series, in Space.

Blogger Markku March 06, 2017 11:20 AM  

Finnish marines in action

Anonymous John Scalzi Unfinished Asimov Project March 06, 2017 11:28 AM  

Well, Imma not gonna lie yo--not since Mizz Lorraine Hobbs found out the Communist Party of America won't see a nickel till the show hit syndication has I been so dispossessed to see that duh JOHN SCALZI UNFINISHED ASIMOV PROJECT ain't been up for no shortlist for the Oscar Hubos nor nothing!

Im'ma seriously contemplating then that we need to write the JOHN SCALZI UNFINSIHED SHAKESPEARE PROJECT, based off o the Brittanicus of John Racine (das raciss, but a nagger gotta make some coffee sometime), as well as the tribute album whose drafts I found last night while I was trying to get an index card outta the crack o ma ass called SPACE RAPTOR BUTT TRIBUTE or maybe SPACE RAPTOR BUTT SONNETS yo.

Peace and all that but lend me some bread yo vanilla shakes. Naggar got overhead!

Blogger Shimshon March 06, 2017 11:41 AM  

The joke is indeed real! Will there be a special offer forthcoming? Or perhaps a Very Special Offer? John Scalzi's bottled tears would make a nice addition to my collection.

Blogger tuberman March 06, 2017 11:49 AM  

I think I should get a Scalzi book out of the library just to see how bad is his writing?!

Blogger VFM #7634 March 06, 2017 11:51 AM  

"Galactic society is ruled by algorithms."

Equations of almost infinite complexity...

Blogger Shimshon March 06, 2017 11:52 AM  

@55 I recommend against. Scalzi's writing is the literary equivalent of the blipvert.

OpenID originalh March 06, 2017 12:00 PM  

Pre-ordered.

Anonymous Deplorable Winning March 06, 2017 12:01 PM  

Please tell the dying galactic capital planet is called TrannyTor and has been overrun with feral cat ladies and land manatees.

Blogger bob kek mando ( Death To The Boor-geois, Keks To The Lol-etariat ) March 06, 2017 12:05 PM  

17. Markku March 06, 2017 9:18 AM
https://infogalactic.com/info/Finnish_Coastal_Jaegers



ah HA!

not Marines at all! i knew you was a fibbin Finn.


51. VD March 06, 2017 11:15 AM
an Interstellar ... in Space.



are we making fun of that Valerian movie now?




Synopsis
every human endeavor has become completely dependent upon the hypercomplex equations that optimize the activities making life possible across hundreds of inhabited worlds.



sounds like Asimov's 'Foundation' crossed with the estimable Mr. John C. Wright's 'Cold Equations'.

can Castalia authors sue each other for plagiarism?

anywho, i wish the interesting Mr. Ko.... err, ahem, Mr. Kalsi all the best in his publishing endeavors.



ps - does Mr. Kalsi have any political affiliations? i'd hate to find out that he wasn't a member of the True Finn party ....



Blogger Calven March 06, 2017 12:05 PM  

Amusingly, all these years later, candy still issued forth with a gentle farting noise.

Blogger Markku March 06, 2017 12:18 PM  

not Marines at all! i knew you was a fibbin Finn.

Yes they are.

https://infogalactic.com/info/Marines
----
Finland

The Finnish Uusimaa Brigade (Swedish: Nylands Brigad) in Ekenäs is a marine infantry unit of the Finnish Navy and trains the Finnish Navy's Coastal Jaegers.

Blogger Titus Quinctius Cincinnatus March 06, 2017 12:23 PM  

an Interstellar Science Fiction Epic Series, in Space

I should hope so.

Blogger Markku March 06, 2017 12:32 PM  

If you are planning to make an argument that for an American audience, "Marine" is short for member of US Marine Corps, then please note where the ex- prefix is. He is ex Finnish marine, not Finnish ex-Marine.

Blogger bob kek mando ( Death To The Boor-geois, Keks To The Lol-etariat ) March 06, 2017 12:32 PM  

62. Markku March 06, 2017 12:18 PM
Yes they are.



*elbow in ribs*

i'm joking, you dour, humorless Finn.


https://satwcomic.com/two-ways-about-it

Blogger Student in Blue March 06, 2017 12:47 PM  

@Markku
He is ex Finnish marine, not Finnish ex-Marine.

Absolutely. He is ex-Finnish, and a Marine. Ergo he is American and a member of the US Marine Corps.

Anonymous Stickwick March 06, 2017 1:05 PM  

Dyskord: So, the denser the gravity the swifter the procession of time likewise the less gravity the slower time lapses.

It's the other way around -- gravity stretches out time. But, yeah, time dilation / time differences are not always accurately portrayed in SF.

Blogger Silly But True March 06, 2017 1:08 PM  

Can you ever really be ex-Finnish though. There are Finns in Africa and South America just waiting to feel the soil of their homeland on their dark-skinned toes.

Surely with Finns the world over, one can never not be one?

Blogger Zeke OF Confettii March 06, 2017 1:18 PM  

Ordered. Real Science Fiction. Damn.

Blogger Student in Blue March 06, 2017 1:22 PM  

Surely with Finns the world over, one can never not be one?

You fool! Never mention the Finnish Conspiracy!

Blogger Feather Blade March 06, 2017 1:39 PM  

BBGKB wrote:"To draw attention to female authors, a Cleveland bookstore celebrated Women’s History Month by turning every male-written book in the fiction room backward on its shelf.

Did they make sure to turn around all of the romance novels written by a man under a female pseudonym? Or did they just assume the author's gender based on the name on the cover?

Anonymous kfg March 06, 2017 1:40 PM  

" He is ex-Finnish . . ."

Well if he wasn't going to finnish, he never should have startish.

Blogger bob kek mando ( Death To The Boor-geois, Keks To The Lol-etariat ) March 06, 2017 1:53 PM  

70. Student in Blue March 06, 2017 1:22 PM
You fool! Never mention the Finnish Conspiracy!



no one expects the Finnish Inquisition.

seriously.

NO ONE expects the Finnish Inquisition.

Blogger Student in Blue March 06, 2017 2:13 PM  

The number one response, when confronted by the Finnish Inquisition, is, "I never knew the Finns HAD an Inquisition."

Much in the same vein as other things from Finland, such as Marines, cooking, and baths.

Blogger Student in Blue March 06, 2017 2:15 PM  

When questioned about why they didn't mention anything about a Finnish sense of humor, the same people just looked at the questioner strangely, as if they heard something completely out of the bounds of human comprehension.

Anonymous John Scalzi Unfinished Asimov Project (on yo kindle beeatch) March 06, 2017 2:20 PM  

Y'all unsalted crackas got me forgetten where my identity politics be yo.

I am a publicly professed FINNISH BLASHAROON (seven-eight Finnia, half-eight Vietnamese, half-eight Rev. Doc. Jesse Jackson, Jr.) as any o yall could read from my amazon authoress propile.

My acclaimed book JOHN SCALZI UNFINISHED ASIMOV PROJECT: DOOM done covered all about Trantor, and trannies, and muh daughter can dumbbell more than I, and uh hole lot of otter materials, plus in the front of all this excitement I aint already forgot to tellz you all THAT I BE FINISH TOO!!

Now it done seen to me somebody of y'all be getting Finnish up on appropriating my John Scalzi parody IDENTITY, which is a snowflake of one not transcribable to any other reappropriated identity toward Caswtellya, i'mma have to consider severely my options to SUE SOMEBODY.

"Did they make sure to turn around all of the romance novels written by a man under a female pseudonym? Or did they just assume the author's gender based on the name on the cover?"

Now whud chu talkin bout NOW, huh willis? I is a womun of collar an dontchoo LYE at me!!!

Anonymous Ezekiel Cassandros March 06, 2017 2:35 PM  

"When questioned about why they didn't mention anything about a Finnish sense of humor, the same people just looked at the questioner strangely, as if they heard something completely out of the bounds of human comprehension."

That's because people on the receiving end of the Finnish sense of humor tend not to survive.

And nobody can tell if it was posed.

Anonymous Stickwick March 06, 2017 2:45 PM  

Finns have an excellent, if subtle and slightly strange, sense of humor. Watch the "Rare Exports" short films to appreciate it.

Blogger bob kek mando ( Death To The Boor-geois, Keks To The Lol-etariat ) March 06, 2017 3:00 PM  

78. Stickwick March 06, 2017 2:45 PM
Finns have an excellent, if subtle and slightly strange, sense of humor.



being married to a Finn, and having half Finnish children, we can expect your testimony to be somewhat ... biased.

and yet, more American than mine?

tis a strange new world we live in.

Blogger lowercaseb March 06, 2017 3:05 PM  

Stickwick wrote:Finns have an excellent, if subtle and slightly strange, sense of humor. Watch the "Rare Exports" short films to appreciate it.

Rare Exports is BRILLIANT! I would love to get into the Father Christmas trade myself if I was younger.

That might be why he is ex-Fin, those Laplanders are a crafty and mysterious people who make bargains with baleful intelligences from... outside.

Blogger Student in Blue March 06, 2017 3:24 PM  

@78. Stickwick

Do your children have a strange predilection for saunas and invading Europe with a vast asian horde?

Blogger Tatooine Sharpshooters' Club March 06, 2017 3:27 PM  

Kiva Lagos was busily fucking the brains out of the assistant purser she’d been after for the last six weeks of the Yes, Sir, That’s My Baby’s trip from Lankaran to End when Second Officer Waylov Brennir entered her stateroom, unannounced.

"I'll prove to that snotty 6th grade English teacher that grammar, syntax and coherence are only for alt-right frog rapists! And I'll use "fucking", because I'm a naughty little b-, uhh, serious, edgy writer!"

Anonymous Stickwick March 06, 2017 3:35 PM  

bob kek mando: being married to a Finn, and having half Finnish children, we can expect your testimony to be somewhat ... biased.

and yet, more American than mine?


Yes, I'm biased; then again, that subtlely strange sense of humor was a factor that led to marriage and the production of said half-Finnish children.

Blogger VFM #7634 March 06, 2017 4:24 PM  

Kiva Lagos was busily fucking the brains out of the assistant purser she’d been after for the last six weeks of the Yes, Sir, That’s My Baby’s trip from Lankaran to End when Second Officer Waylov Brennir entered her stateroom, unannounced.

"I'll prove to that snotty 6th grade English teacher that grammar, syntax and coherence are only for alt-right frog rapists! And I'll use "fucking", because I'm a naughty little b-, uhh, serious, edgy writer!"


At the very least, it's quite obvious that this Kiva Lagos broad is a manjawed lawyercunt type.

Blogger bob kek mando ( Death To The Boor-geois, Keks To The Lol-etariat ) March 06, 2017 4:26 PM  

83. Stickwick March 06, 2017 3:35 PM
Yes, I'm biased; then again, that subtlely strange sense of humor



yes dear, we are all completely unaware of the Feminine ability to inve ... err, ahem, observe hitherto unknown depths and qualities which no one else has noticed.

*wink*

Blogger Silly But True March 06, 2017 4:28 PM  

I feel I must belabor the fact. How do you know for sure your children are half-Finn? Rvermibd your full-Finn wife, according to Merkel, their Finn half could really just be German but not yet have fully realized it yet.

Blogger bob kek mando ( Death To The Boor-geois, Keks To The Lol-etariat ) March 06, 2017 4:55 PM  

i suspect that Stickwick has belabored these children more than enough, thank you very much.

i weary of the argument, i'm going to let Sarah Hoyt and Angela Merkel figure out if the children are more German than German or more American than American.

Anonymous Stickwick March 06, 2017 5:17 PM  

How do I know for sure my children are half-Finn? My friend, we're all just children of the universe, citizens of this backwater of the Galaxy, delusional in our self-identification as earthlings and Germans and what-have-you. But such delusions are necessary. Personally, I feel that I am a nascent half-Elf half-Hobbit half-Rohirrim, not fully realized until I step foot in New Zealand and claim my birthright. Whereupon, my children will not only be half-Finnish, but will fully realize their half-half-Elf-Hobbit-Rohirrimness. I realize that does not answer your question as such, but as Tom Bombadil once said, dreams do come true if you wish hard enough.

Anonymous A Paradigm Is More Than Twenty Cents March 06, 2017 5:43 PM  

@87
i weary of the argument,

Does this mean you are Finnished?

Blogger JCclimber March 06, 2017 5:46 PM  

this comment thread reads like a return to the good old days, pre-2016 election.

Feels good, man. Much as I enjoy the winning, the banter and jokes occur less often lately.

Blogger 1337kestrel March 06, 2017 5:53 PM  

"In any case, it's going to be difficult to evaluate the quality of the writing without knowing the details of Kalsi's lawn."

It's a glacier, right?

Anonymous I am a Hat March 06, 2017 5:55 PM  

Hmm... Johan Kalsi.... John Scalzi. Secret identity revealed!

Blogger Student in Blue March 06, 2017 5:56 PM  

Personally, I feel that I am a nascent half-Elf half-Hobbit half-Rohirrim, not fully realized until I step foot in New Zealand and claim my birthright. Whereupon, my children will not only be half-Finnish, but will fully realize their half-half-Elf-Hobbit-Rohirrimness.

Goodness gracious! Your children will not only be humorless homebound people with an ancestry in horsemanship, but they'll also be half-elf, half-hobbit, and half-Rohirrim too!

Blogger 1337kestrel March 06, 2017 6:01 PM  

@tuberman

If you're single and unemployed, "Old Man's War" is worth a read. Unless your library has something better.

Actually you know what, just pirate The Lost Fleet or Posleen War serieses instead.

Anonymous Stickwick March 06, 2017 6:16 PM  

Student in Blue: Your children will not only be humorless homebound people with an ancestry in horsemanship, but they'll also be half-elf, half-hobbit, and half-Rohirrim too!

Excellent. Well done.

There is also the matter of wife-carrying sports, extreme sauna, salmiakki, and surströmming, the less of which is spoken, the better. Finland, Finland, Finland, the place where I don't want to be...

Blogger wreckage March 06, 2017 6:27 PM  

Scalzi's first sentence is an embarrassment to anyone who cares about the craft.

Anonymous Ironsides March 06, 2017 6:28 PM  

That quote from Scalzi always reminds me of Heartiste's summary: "One must exit a reading of Scalzi's novels through a decontamination chamber of red meat eating and range shooting."

Anonymous A Deplorable Paradigm Is More Than Twenty Cents March 06, 2017 6:28 PM  

The craft is fine.

Blogger Student in Blue March 06, 2017 6:44 PM  

@95. Stickwick
surströmming

At least you can blame that one on the Swedes. Salmiakki, however... that one doesn't sound too bad.

Blogger bob kek mando ( Death To The Boor-geois, Keks To The Lol-etariat ) March 06, 2017 7:29 PM  

99. Student in Blue March 06, 2017 6:44 PM
At least you can blame that one on the Swedes.



i find your opinions to be racist, virulently prejudiced and hopelessly retrograde and haplessly reactionary.

would you happen to have newsletter i could subscribe too?

Blogger Student in Blue March 06, 2017 8:04 PM  

would you happen to have newsletter i could subscribe too?

Oh bob, you card. As a proud combox poster at VP, every comments section is my newsletter!

As for the rest of the descriptors... yeah, liking black licorice tends to bring out that response in people.

Blogger Matthew March 06, 2017 8:06 PM  

Salmiakki is awesome. I have at least 10 pounds of it under my bed.

Blogger bob kek mando ( Death To The Boor-geois, Keks To The Lol-etariat ) March 06, 2017 8:49 PM  

ah.

this is how you tip the Heaving Bosoms of Liberty for exemplary performances?

Blogger Samuel Nock March 06, 2017 9:06 PM  

Now we know why Finland has such a serious rape problem.

Anonymous Stickwick March 06, 2017 9:50 PM  

Student in Blue: Salmiakki, however... that one doesn't sound too bad.

No, not bad... if you like candy that tastes like black licorice, salt tablets, and mouthwash. Matthew is, of course, insane, which is why he likes it.

Blogger Student in Blue March 06, 2017 9:57 PM  

No, not bad... if you like candy that tastes like black licorice, salt tablets, and mouthwash. Matthew is, of course, insane, which is why he likes it.

Sign me up!

...lots of people think black licorice tastes like mouthwash or something similar regardless. So yeah it'd just be salty black licorice.

And who doesn't want to ingest a combination of ammonia and hydrochloric acid?

Blogger bob kek mando ( Death To The Boor-geois, Keks To The Lol-etariat ) March 06, 2017 10:45 PM  

no, i've had double salted black licorice.

it's NOT just "salty" "black licorice".

hell, my father ( who loves black licorice and puts salt in his beer ... seriously, he uses more salt than anybody else you ever did see ) can't stand "salted" black licorice.

Blogger Matthew March 06, 2017 11:22 PM  

My kids beg for salmiakki.

Blogger Super Method March 07, 2017 4:01 AM  

In my initial skim across this post, I assumed the first quote was from the parody.

Blogger Roger G2 March 07, 2017 12:35 PM  

A not-exactly new film I watched just last night, "Infini" delved somewhat into this time-dilation dilemma. In it, people in the future use what is called "slipstreaming" to travel enormous distances by way of communicating their atoms...somehow. I think.
No matter. In this one, a few minutes back on Earth is a few days when traveling to a planet with far more G-forces than Earth-a planetary body that is promixmal to a black hole, say.
I for one appreciate the rare film or series which explicitly instructs the viewer to not give it much thought, like Futurama.
But it's the kind of thing that nags the brain mercilessly. The future should be interesting to say the least. Someone has to figure out all this shit if we are to explore the cosmos.

Blogger Roger G2 March 07, 2017 12:43 PM  

I read a short story-can't for the life of me remember the title-where the first ever interstellar pioneer space travelers were being passed on the way to a star system. The technology of the Earth they had left behind kept advancing, with speeds of space vessels getting faster and faster back home. By the time the pioneers reached the planet they'd set out to discover, it was already lit up like Times Square-with humans who'd passed them years before, and settled, ahead of them. Always wondered why no one had bothered maybe, idk, pulling over and giving the original pioneers a lift.

Blogger Jevaughn Brown March 07, 2017 11:11 PM  

I am new to High Trolling of this magnitude - lol! "The Make Sci-Fi Great Again Campaign" ~ that's what I'll be calling it anyway. :-)

Blogger Esmar Tuek March 08, 2017 8:01 AM  

I'm really looking forward to reading this

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