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Monday, May 08, 2017

The Mary-Sueist of all Mary Sues

Daddy Warpig watches The Force Awakens again, and concludes that it is even worse than he'd thought the first time.
When first she meets another primary character, Rey saves both their lives, even in the face of his bumbling machismo which threatens to get them both killed. Then she flies a starship for the very first time (completely untrained) and—though a rank amateur—she pulls off several maneuvers Han Solo would have had trouble duplicating even on his very best day as a pilot. Then her and Finn spend an entire hour gushing over how awesome she is. Then she goes to repair the ship—no mention how an untutored scavenger from the back of the back of beyond knows how to service a damned starship, much less the Millennium Falcon, a ship which gave even an astromech droid (MADE for starship repair) the fits—and gets to yell at Finn because he’s so damn incompetent. And she speaks droid, AND she speaks Wookie. And she releases monsters to kill bad guys (which she thought was the wrong thing to do, but turns out she was mistaken as the monsters eat up all the bad guys. (This is the only time she’s ever wrong, in the entire movie.)) With the tough, criminal bad guys dead or running, Rey saves Finn, Han, and Chewie from certain death at the hands of the monsters she released. And she deftly repairs the Millennium Falcon—AGAIN.
This will not happen in Embers of Empire. I guarantee it.  In fact, let's provide another unedited excerpt from the first Faraway Wars novel.


“Your reputation for boldness precedes you, Lord Dawntreader,” Jesla said. “But this offense will not go unanswered.”

Dawntreader smiled. “Lady Haut-Estas. You took the words right out of my mouth.”

The young aristocrat forged ahead, undeterred by the implied threat. “Seizing my ship would be a gross abuse of authority in any circumstance. Now that my father has withdrawn our world from the Commonwealth, it amounts to an act of war.”

“Your father’s pretensions are of no interest to me,” Dawntreader said, unmoved. “But when his actions jeopardize the peace that better men fought and died for, he becomes my problem.”

“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.”

Dawntreader fixed his artificial eye on her. “You know nothing of the assassination attempt that killed Senator Dra’s son?”

The young woman glanced down at the deck and shook her head quickly, confirming that he’d chosen the right line of questioning. He moved close enough to smell her perfume and lowered his voice as if confiding in a friend.

“Let me tell you what I know, my Lady. I know that your father is inciting the Independent League to open rebellion. I know he’s seeking military support from the remnants of the imperial forces scattered about the galaxy, and I know you’re serving as a courier between him and the various factions.”

“That's not true!” Jesla protested. But her breathing quickened.

Dawntreader pressed her harder. “Koidu wields great influence in the new Senate, and Shuru Dra has my sister’s ear. She is going to be angry, very angry about the murder of his son. I expect she’ll call for armed intervention on Esto—unless I give her a reason not to do so. Can you give me that reason?”

Jesla’s cowed demeanor gave way to sudden indignation. She turned a withering glare on her captor.

“The Insurgency—what a farce you have become! You and your sister do not represent the whole galaxy, and even if you weren’t despised by half the planets in it, you’re not fighting an oppressive Empire anymore. You are the oppressors now!”

“My sister merely leads one of many Senate coalitions,” Dawntreader corrected her. "She does not oppress anyone."

“Don’t be obtuse, Lord Dawntreader. What was once a popular revolution is now your sister’s personality cult. Oceans of blood were shed, and entire planets were lost overthrowing one tyrant! We don’t want another one! We didn't seek to trade an Emperor for an Empress!”

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146 Comments:

Blogger Matt May 08, 2017 4:05 PM  

What's strange about the FORCEd* intrrracial romance is that they went out of their way to portray Rey as dominant and in control, leading Finn. In one scene, shes standing on some steps, and he looks up at her while she's yapping. It's disgustingly blatant, and the whole thing just makes no sense. Zero basis in reality.

Blogger Matt May 08, 2017 4:05 PM  

* ;] you're all welcome for that, btw.

Blogger Billy Ray May 08, 2017 4:13 PM  

poor ripoff of new hope, bad acting, mary sue rey - the FARCE is strong in this one

Anonymous MonkeyMax May 08, 2017 4:14 PM  

This review was my favorite: http://bit.ly/2posTq9

"First of all, we must make note of all the obvious poz boxes that are ticked (as so many others have)...

- A heroic nagger buck makes a courageous ethical decision to defect from the First Order (something a nagger would never, and I mean ne-eh-eh-ever do)
- A strong, independent womyn who don't need no man and lives alone in a junk heap is our protagonist
- An imposing, Reich-style imperial force consisting of white males (and one white bull-dyke in chrome armor) eyes galactic cis-het domination
- The villain literally wields a burning cross
- A multi-racial, multi-gendered rebellion are the bringers of justice
- Women are portrayed as capable physical combatants and fighter pilots, stoically staring death in the face, and no mention of this will even be made (because, uh, we're, like, past that)
- The dichotomy of good and evil will basically boil down to: hierarchy and homogeneity = bad, egalitarianism and diversity = good

All of this is easily gleaned from the trailers and TV spots alone. It's an obvious reflection of the SJW zeitgeist, sure, but it's also a perfect projection of Jewish sensibilities upon the Star Wars galaxy. And this isn't just shitlords extrapolatin' bullshit. (((Lawrence Kasdan))) himself said in a recent interview that, when he and Jew Jew Abrahamic sat down to discuss ultimate evil and craft a new story, they imagined, "What would it be like if the Nazis all went to Argentina but then started working together again?"

Wow. And all along I thought the chatter about Jews having no imagination was just BIGOTED shitposting. You read that right. In a space film for children, one where anything is possible, where 7-foot-tall ape men pilot starships, it all relates back to THE SHOAH.

But none of that actually matters when we get down to it. What really matters is the underpinnings of the Star Wars myth. Why has it captured the hearts and minds of so many goyim over the decades? Why does it somehow endure in the culture, passing from generation-to-generation in an Arthurian manner?

The answer lies in its adherence to classical western tropes of mythology. Beneath the high-tech facade, there is a skeleton built from the collective memories of pastoral European life. Much of it is positively medieval in origin. The callow youth living in a mundane agrarian setting. The knight, wise in the old traditions, presenting the youth with his own Excalibur. The male-centric nature of proving one's manhood (a feat not required of women, nor does it even make sense with a female as the protagonist). Notions of honor, of meeting evil with a pure heart, of striking against the machinery with the power of God.

All of this changes when a Jew makes the rules. Now, you may argue that (((Kasdan))) has written two Star Wars films (Empire and Jedi), so my theory must be bunk. But actually, he didn't have much say in the overall mythology of the world: its major themes, its broad strokes, etc. He punched up the dialogue and made clever suggestions about details. But Lucas's vision is absolutely western, and most of it was established in the first film that he alone imagined.

So the most essential, profound parts of the story will be clumsily handled (if not downright subverted) in Jewish hands. Why? Because Jews do not have western sensibilities. Rare is the story of good and evil written by a Jew. It's always shades of gray, always Talmudic, always relativizing and rationalizing. The idea of a "dark side" or, indeed, pure evil does not compute for the Jew. His religion and his heritage reject dualism.

I don't know any real spoilers about this film, but I will make the following predictions based on my deep-seated and well-cultivated anti-Semitism..." continues here http://bit.ly/2posTq9

Blogger Lovekraft May 08, 2017 4:16 PM  

They need a new category in the ranking system for SJW PC dogma.

To let us know going in how much risk our lunch has of staying down.

Anonymous Mojo Jojo May 08, 2017 4:16 PM  

Is it just me or is Jaysn basically just the Comic Book Guy from The Simpson's.

"Worst... Episode... Ever..."

Blogger jamsco May 08, 2017 4:17 PM  

Vox, just out of curiosity, have you see TFA yet?

Blogger tublecane May 08, 2017 4:17 PM  

@1-Was that supposed to be a romance? I mean, I thought they might try to shoehorn romance into subsequent movies, but was that the intention in Force Awakens? Because aside from the friendzone peck at the end, I didn't see it.

Finn acts like a toddler and Mary Sue is a bitch who hates everyone. Not a lot of room for love in that story.

Blogger Billy Ray May 08, 2017 4:17 PM  

The Farce Awakens, a Disney SJW Princess Movie

Blogger Chris Lutz May 08, 2017 4:20 PM  

Finn was a problem because they had him channeling Will Smith at times. It was a repeat of every wise-cracking black character since the 90's. The man needed to be emotionally confused like Russell in "Soldier."

Ace over at Ace of Spades brought up an old SW video game. It got me to thinking it would have been a better movie had they done the following:

1. Rey was orphaned as a very young child, on a planet where her parents were researching a Jedi temple, when they were caught in the middle of a battle between two small forces of the Empire and rebellion.
2. The only survivor is Rey and a stormtrooper with a head injury, Finn.
3. Finn raises Rey in the stormtrooper way (discipline, endurance, etc.)
4. Rey learns some Force powers via playing and studying the temple.
5. Luke is on a quest to find some important Force McGuffin with The Order in pursuit.
6. Han and Chewie find Rey and Finn in their search for what happened to Luke.
7. Leia is leading a Republic force to find Luke and the McGuffin.

Anonymous A Most Deplorable Paradigm Is More Than Twenty Cents May 08, 2017 4:21 PM  

Lord Dawntreader is taking a Voyage.

Blogger Karl May 08, 2017 4:21 PM  

There are Mary Sue's abounding now. Sat through a few episodes of The Last Kingdom on Netflix. Complete with a warrior nun who runs up a body count assisting the Saxons.

Blogger Chris Lutz May 08, 2017 4:22 PM  

@9 I think Rogue One was going to be a princess movie until reshoots were ordered. I think the original cut tested poorly.

Blogger tublecane May 08, 2017 4:22 PM  

A Mary Sue protagonist wouldn't be so bad if she were basically likeable and not a scowling bitch the whole movie. You'd be out a compelling main character, but at least you could focus on the laser beams and funnye-looking aliens, or whatever. Rey has anti-charisma, and sucks the fun out of her scenes.

Anonymous A Deplorable Paradigm Is More Than Twenty Cents May 08, 2017 4:23 PM  

@1
What's strange about the FORCEd* intrrracial romance is that they went out of their way to portray Rey as dominant and in control, leading Finn.

Yet he is not 6'3". Neither is she. Strange.

Blogger jamsco May 08, 2017 4:25 PM  

The main thing that bugs me about The Force Awakens:
The seven most primary male characters are
Han,
Finn,
Luke,
Kylo,
Artoo,
Threepio,
Po.

Of these six, the first five have something in common - they all run away (or have run away) from those who trusted them for weak reasons.

Blogger tublecane May 08, 2017 4:25 PM  

@10-A couple of those points could have actually happened in the Farce Awakens, but we don't know because the movie didn't tell us. We don't know who Rey is or why she's on that planet. We don't know what Luke is up to.

That movie mistook not giving us basic information with mystery.

Anonymous VFM #6306 May 08, 2017 4:30 PM  

No one should have to see this movie. I don't even understand how people say it slavishly followed A New Hope in substance but not in spirit.

It didn't do it in substance, either!

A) No opening attack resulting in an important prisoner or MacGuffin.
B) No gang of six thrown together at the end of the 1st Act, and sustained through the act.
C) No mentor member of the gang killed at the end of the 2nd Act. (And no - Han mentored neither Rey, Finn, nor Kylo Ren and never even crossed paths with Poe Edgarallen or whatever)
D) No unexpected hero pulling everyone's fat out of the fire at the end.
E) And...to top it all off, a zero-stakes superweapon that no one in the movie bothers to compare to the original Death Stars.

There is NOTHING about this movie that remotely suggested to me that it was inspired or modeled on A New Hope.

It was modeled on the Kenner toys from A New Hope. Maybe.

Anonymous fop May 08, 2017 4:32 PM  

All perfectly explainable by midichlorians.

Blogger VD May 08, 2017 4:33 PM  

Vox, just out of curiosity, have you see TFA yet?

No. I haven't even seen Prequel Two. Or Prequel Three for that matter. Or Rogue One. When I give up on a franchise, I completely ignore it.

I haven't seen the "second" or "third" Hobbit movie yet either.

Blogger cavalier973 May 08, 2017 4:34 PM  

The movie should have been about Finn and Poe. Best part of the movie was them escaping from the star destroyer.

If you watch Cinema Sins, it points out that Finn was a rookie Storm Trooper, but that he knew about the "Death Star +2"'s weakness. The reason is that Finn was the janitor before being promoted to Storm Trooper (probably because the First Order was already becoming converged, and the HR department was implementing an affirmative action policy).

"Literal burning cross". LOL! I did not even catch that.

Anonymous Napoleon 12pdr May 08, 2017 4:37 PM  

I saw TFA on an airliner...meaning I didn't pay good money for it. My word, it was the most obscenely derivative film I've ever seen that wasn't an open parody. NO new ideas. At all. Just a rehash of the old tropes, without the rationale of those old tropes.

I could have done better myself (and if you paw through the comments when that dreck came out, did an outline Vox thought well of...which got me working on something of My Very Own).

Blogger jamsco May 08, 2017 4:39 PM  

No. I haven't even seen Prequel Two. Or Prequel Three for that matter.
Honestly, I still think you should go back and watched Prequel Three. It's decent cinematography.

Blogger dc.sunsets May 08, 2017 4:40 PM  

Derivative times produce derivative entertainment, derivative art and derivative "innovation."

For all its visible wealth, the USA has been in decline for a long time. The rot is evident everywhere we look. Neither Soddom nor Gomorrah could have been much worse.

We're ruled by a death cult, all they did was put the Disney logo on it.

Blogger Mocheirge May 08, 2017 4:40 PM  

tublecane wrote:Finn acts like a toddler and Mary Sue is a bitch who hates everyone. Not a lot of room for love in that story.

dude, that is like TOTALLY the idealized feminist romance!

Anonymous VFM #6306 May 08, 2017 4:40 PM  

Best part of the movie was them escaping from the star destroyer.

The part right at the beginning where the flunky opens the prison door and the pair get on a TIE fighter without serious obstacle and then get tangled in the extension cord before flying away?


I agree. That was, by far, the greatest scene in the entire movie.

Blogger jamsco May 08, 2017 4:40 PM  

And of course there's this

Blogger dc.sunsets May 08, 2017 4:42 PM  

What is it Doug Casey notes is the innovation for which the USA should be most famous? The snack (e.g., potato chips.)

That sentiment invades mass market everything. Quality is only found in the margins now, which highlights the path ahead.

Anonymous VFM #6306 May 08, 2017 4:42 PM  

Honestly, I still think you should go back and watched Prequel Three. It's decent cinematography.

Yup. 3 hours, 67 minutes of it. Also there is some dialog. Plus credits.

Blogger tublecane May 08, 2017 4:46 PM  

@18-I could go through your points one by one (regarding A, for instance, the opening was an assault on a village which revealed the secret map Macguffin and led to the capture of that starpilot), but the thing to bear in kind is that they deliberately scrambled up the scenes so as to have plausible deniability. Plus, they added in stuff from the Empire Strikes Back, like Yoda and the symbolic dream.

Blogger Cataline Sergius May 08, 2017 4:47 PM  

Intriguing snippet. I am now more than passingly curious about Embers of Empire.

Anonymous A Most Deplorable Paradigm Is More Than Twenty Cents May 08, 2017 4:49 PM  

"Why are there no cinnamon buns in your hair", inquired Lord Dawntreader in a carelessly sinister fashion, "You know the penalty a princess must pay for that crime."

Anonymous A Most Deplorable Paradigm Is More Than Twenty Deplorable Cents May 08, 2017 4:50 PM  

@31
Intriguing snippet. I am now more than passingly curious about Embers of Empire.


Me, too! I wonder how big the author's lawn is?

Blogger praetorian May 08, 2017 4:54 PM  

Mandatory Best Force Awakens Youtube Review Link

I thought Rogue One was pretty good for fan-fic. Sure, the good guys didn't win, but they did manage to nuke two planets w/ the death star.

Anonymous Napoleon 12pdr May 08, 2017 4:56 PM  

The Big Problem is, of course, that the Empire is dead...which means that Luke, Leia, and company are now in charge of the government. THEY get the spiffy uniforms and big ships.

Which fact TFA completely blows off, of course.

Anonymous VFM #6306 May 08, 2017 5:01 PM  

@30 No. The stupid map never came into play in the movie. It was unnecessary, and insufficient to carry any of the plot. The star pilot was captured, and also unnecessary to the plot, except to escape through the front door five minutes later.

To say that is "scrambled" from the originals is generous. The plot was incoherent.

Even Mark Hamill said the map bit was stupid, and was just an excuse for his (allegedly big) final scene reveal. It was not a functional MacGuffin.

Anonymous VFM #6306 May 08, 2017 5:03 PM  

Sure, the good guys didn't win, but they did manage to nuke two planets w/ the death star.

Yes, but one of them was their own. In order to what? Kill the 2 remaining bad guys and stop a satellite transmitter?

Blogger Cataline Sergius May 08, 2017 5:05 PM  

I'll give Rey this much, she passes this very simple character test; without describing her or telling me what she did in any way, tell me about the character.

You can do that for Rey.

You can not do that for Jyn Erso, who was such a non-character in her own movie I actually had to look up her name on IMDB when I started writing this sentence.

My real fear is what is going to happen with Indiana Jones. Harrison Ford is starring in it but he is way too old to do any action scenes at this point.

Here he goes now
Pret-ty slow
kind-a limping
cause he's old-old-old


Who wants to bet that the new Indiana Jones movie will feature a real sooper kick-ass pixie-ninja grrrrl, granddaughter ready to take the reins from grampaw Indy?

Anonymous fop May 08, 2017 5:05 PM  

The villain literally wields a burning cross

And his name (Ben Solo) is an anagram for "Noose BL", or Noose Black Lives.

Blogger Dave May 08, 2017 5:07 PM  

"We didn't seek to trade an Emperor for an Empress!”

However, we would've accepted an Emperox and next year's 2nd round pick.

Blogger Cataline Sergius May 08, 2017 5:16 PM  

Po and Finn had good on screen chemistry, naturally the LGBTASDFQWERTYs started demanding that they have sex. Hopefully Disney won't give in to the pressure but you can expect a gay Star Wars character before too much longer.


The most intriguing thing that Disney could do and WON'T is a romance between Rey and Kylo. You just can't develop characters like that in a popcorn burner.

Blogger tublecane May 08, 2017 5:21 PM  

@18-On second thought, I think I will address them one by one. If you don't like the spirit/substance analogy, think of it like someone who cracks open a turtle, scoops out its insides, wears the shell, and proclaims, "I am a turtle!" Farce Awakens has a Star Wars shell, but it's just a shell.

A. Like I said, the opening has an assault on a village featuring a Macguffin in the form of a map leading to Luke. It also has Poe being taken prisoner. Which isn't significant in itself, and the only reason I can think up for the movie opening that way is because Star Wars did.

B. The gang, such as it is--Finn, Rey, rollieball, Han, Chewbacca--gets together and stays together for no good reason, but it does get together. I don't know if it comes at exactly the right time, and it consists of five, not six, characters. But basically the same.

C. Han solo was clearly in the Obi Wan slot. The fact that he didn't actually mentor anyone is one of the reasons it wasn't a very good movie. They didn't have characters doing appropriate things for their role in the movie.

D. No, but they did have Poe pop up at the end to say "Hey, remember me? I still exist!" He was the turtle shell Han Solo at that moment.

E. Everyone not in the movie immediately compared it to the Death Star. That was probably the most obvious way Farce Awakens ripped off Star Wars.

Anonymous fop May 08, 2017 5:21 PM  

you can expect a gay Star Wars character before too much longer.

Wait...C3PO was straight?

Blogger Sevron May 08, 2017 5:23 PM  

I could have sworn they DID say they were putting a gay in the next Star Wars.

Blogger My Dead Gramps May 08, 2017 5:23 PM  

I'm still holding out a sliver of hope that they're gonna pull a Revan to explain Rey's super-duper awesomeness (i.e. she was already a Jedi with years of experience who was mindwiped) and it isn't just your bog-standard waif-fu.

Blogger Chiva May 08, 2017 5:28 PM  

Just like most other Disney movies the father had to die. Han Solo's death at the hands of his emo son was gay.

Blogger VD May 08, 2017 5:33 PM  

Honestly, I still think you should go back and watched Prequel Three. It's decent cinematography.

I don't think you understand how little I care. I'm not particularly keen on movies anyhow. It's just not going to happen.

Blogger tublecane May 08, 2017 5:34 PM  

@36-"It was not a functional Macguffin."

You can call it a pseudo-Macguffin. The movie pretended to have a "Where's Luke?" plot, but didn't actually. Maybe the Quest for Luke will have meaning in subsequent movies, but in this one it was really just a trick. Make the audience think it's a movie about finding out what happened to Luke Skywalker, but actually that's just an excuse to have scenes happen so that people don't ask for their money back.

Yet, it's there, and it stands in place of the Death Star plans carried by R2-D2.

Blogger Nate May 08, 2017 5:43 PM  


meh.

Anonymous Looking Glass May 08, 2017 5:44 PM  

@20 VD

You are blessed. Prequel two was so bad it retro-actively made Jar Jar even worse. Prequel 1 isn't as terrible as we remember when it first came out (not great, but passable), but Prequel 2 wrecked whatever was redeeming about it.


As to the massive outbreak of Mary Sue characters, the details have gone over for "why" a lot, but there's also a subtle little detail that doesn't come up much. The Mary Sue allows a writer to just gender-swap a Male character. Female characters are much harder to write and maintain the suspension of disbelief. So, just gender-swap a guy and roll with it. (This is also the reason for the outbreak of Lesbian characters.)

Anonymous DirkH May 08, 2017 5:46 PM  

@28. dc.sunsets May 08, 2017 4:42 PM
"What is it Doug Casey notes is the innovation for which the USA should be most famous? The snack (e.g., potato chips.)"

Very unfair. I'm German, and from here I see four candidates.
a) Virginia Ham. Better than Serrano bacon!
b) AC electric grid. Granted, Tesla was Serbokroatian, but rolling it out was an American story.
c) The invention of the modern city with the rebuilding of Chicago after the old city fell into a swamp.
d) Air conditioning. Not a biggie for a German but incredibly useful to make the hotter countries actually productive. Ok you still need brains... You need brains and A/C... well the Americans provided at least the A/C.

Blogger tublecane May 08, 2017 5:46 PM  

@41-I, like most others, fully expect Rey to have Skywalker blood, so that we can go on pretending Star Wars is a multi-generational family drama. Her hooking up with Kylo in that case would be icky.

Despite being a moody teenage type, Kylo actually has attractive qualities, unlike the infantile Finn. So that would at least past the laugh test, incest or no. Also, lady Jedi being tempted to the Dark Side by their dark sex feelz is much more interesting than Darth Vader being born out of a desire to see his wife survive childbirth.

Blogger Fifty Seven May 08, 2017 5:50 PM  

The thing that stuck out for me was that this guy had supposedly been in Storm Trooper super indoctrination school so long he couldn't remember his own name... And he flips out and deserts in his first firefight. The Marines get better results than that in thirteen weeks.

So either the First Order has the most incompetent cadre imaginable, or the writers didn't do even the most basic homework on the subject.

Blogger TheMaleRei May 08, 2017 5:51 PM  

I'm sure I'm not the only one to have seen this, but the following was copy-pasted from:
https://jedijones77.wordpress.com/2015/12/30/if-luke-was-rey-a-k-a-the-star-wars-a-new-hope-mary-sue-rewrite/

I present to you the Star Wars: A New Hope “Mary Sue/Marty Stu” rewrite, for the writer who thinks Luke is too human and relatable and should’ve been as perfect, plastic and flawless as Rey. Because boys need role models who are superior to themselves in every way.

Luke is an expert survivalist living on his own on Tatooine. He isn’t subservient to Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. He loyally waits for a lost companion to return.
Luke steals R2-D2 from a Sand Person on a Bantha who has captured the droid. The Sand Person just looks at him and rides away.
Luke can understand everything R2-D2 says. C-3PO is written out since he’s not needed to translate.
R2-D2 follows Luke around obediently instead of running away and generally just thinks Luke’s awesome.
Luke finds Obi-Wan and tells him he’s just a nobody and didn’t even know the Force was real. Obi-Wan hands Luke his father’s saber and then disappears from the movie. No training required.
Luke experiences a “vision” upon touching the saber for unexplained reasons. Magic lightsaber?
Luke enters the Cantina and knocks down Ponda Baba and Dr. Evazan with a stick when they threaten him.
Luke finds the Falcon with only Chewie inside as TIE Fighters start bombing the area. He jumps in and flies it with some wild maneuvers through Beggar’s Canyon while Chewie works the gun port. They destroy the TIEs and return to get Han.
Chewie is injured while running from Stormtroopers to get to the Falcon and Luke takes over as co-pilot.
Luke fixes the Falcon’s malfunctions by himself before Han can figure out what to do.
Han is so impressed with Luke that by the time they get to the remains of Alderaan, he offers Luke a permanent job on his crew.
They sneak into a back door on the Death Star unnoticed and somehow instantly find Leia’s cell.
Luke uses the Jedi Mind Trick on the guards at Leia’s cell to get inside. (First time the Jedi Mind Trick appears in the movie.)
Leia says Luke is amazing, thanks him and won’t stop talking about wanting to run away with him and devote herself to helping him. Luke is not interested and says he just wants to be friends.
Han somehow instantly finds the head Stormtrooper Commander and says he’ll kill him if he doesn’t shut down the Death Star’s magnetic shields. The Stormtrooper Commander complies and they throw him in the trash compactor.
Darth Vader finds the heroes. Luke watches as Han Solo confronts Darth Vader and is killed.
Luke attacks Darth Vader and holds his own. He drops his saber but he is able to Force grab it back before Vader can. (First time Force grab is seen in the movie.) Vader offers to train Luke. Luke lands several blows on Vader and cuts off his hand while remaining unscathed and Vader collapses in a heap. Suddenly, there is an explosion that ruptures the platform between them and Luke leaves to join Leia, Chewie and R2 back on the Falcon.
Meanwhile, Wedge leads a small squad to do a bombing run on the Death Star. He easily hits the target without facing much resistance or even thinking about it much and the Death Star blows up.
Luke officially joins the Rebellion at the end of the movie and is instantly selected to pilot a ship on a vital mission they’ve been waiting years to do. Their best pilot who just blew up the Death Star, Wedge, is passed over.
And there you have it. Star Wars: A New Hope as bland, generic, shallow, Saturday morning cartoon space opera, without depth, meaning, humanity, heart or soul, a.k.a. Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

I’m thinking we’ll cast Arnold Schwarzenegger as Luke and Chris Tucker as Han Solo.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

Back to me...
This really drove it home for me - like a hammer to my forehead, even worse than when I was sitting in the theater watching the movie on opening day - because that's how insane I am.

Blogger Cail Corishev May 08, 2017 5:54 PM  

He's not the first one I've heard say TFA soured on him over time. I think many fans were so burned by the prequels that the bar was set at "Please let it not be horrible." Relief that it wasn't felt like enjoyment, but in retrospect....

Blogger Chris Lutz May 08, 2017 6:01 PM  

One character I hated was Poe. He's a stupidly overpowered pilot. I mean, why is anyone else even up there? He's destroying tie fighters left and right with ease.

Blogger Chris Lutz May 08, 2017 6:03 PM  

@55 You saw the same thing with TPM. Gushing love and then slow realization that it wasn't that good.

Anonymous VFM #6306 May 08, 2017 6:05 PM  

@42 That is my point exactly. None of those "hey let's throw this in" actually contain any of the substance of the actual elements they mimic.

I mean, football games have athletes in them, but just because you put a papier mache Patriots helmet on Bruce Jenner doesn't mean it's got the substance of the Super Bowl.

Anonymous VFM #6306 May 08, 2017 6:07 PM  

@56 That guy fought TIE fighters? I do not remember that. I remember him crashing a super-excellent TIE fighter after not unplugging it. But other then him hugging a stormtrooper stranger at the end of the movie, I thought he was absent from acts two and three.

Blogger Cail Corishev May 08, 2017 6:09 PM  

Here he goes now
Pret-ty slow
kind-a limping
cause he's old-old-old


Ah, a fellow Rifftrax fan! Rifftrax is the only way to watch a lot of the movies coming out these days.

Who wants to bet that the new Indiana Jones movie will feature a real sooper kick-ass pixie-ninja grrrrl, granddaughter ready to take the reins from grampaw Indy?

Lucas wanted to make the LeBeef character in the last one a daughter, but Spielberg talked him out of it. But yeah, maybe a granddaughter, or a kickass, take-charge girl student from one of his classes.

OpenID brefaucheux May 08, 2017 6:13 PM  

I found this film insufferable even before I was red pilled. Rey was unrealistic from the very beginning.

Anonymous Looking Glass May 08, 2017 6:16 PM  

@57 Chris Lutz

The Hype for TPM was real, and while people were gushing right afterwards (leaving on the Light Saber battle helps) I think it settled in on its appropriate "level" pretty quickly. But two things happened: 1) It's not as re-watchable as the first 3. By a long ways. 2) Clone Wars happened. A movie so bad it retroactively made TPM far, far worse.

Seriously, though, Ray Park was awesome.

Blogger Cail Corishev May 08, 2017 6:18 PM  

I could have sworn they DID say they were putting a gay in the next Star Wars.

Abrams has said there will be, or already are, which is part of what fueled the speculation about Finn and Poe.

I'm glad I grew up in an era when Han and Luke could have that "Take care of yourself, kid" moment without everyone immediately running to the message boards with, "OMG, did you see that look? Will they be buying his-and-his towels in the next movie?"

Blogger Chris Lutz May 08, 2017 6:33 PM  

@59 He was in the battle over the bar and you see him shoot 3-4 tie fighters in about 5 seconds.

@62 I don't know that I hate any of the Lucas prequels. They're flawed in a lot of ways and Lucas really needed someone to strangle to death some of his ideas. But they attempted to be original and aren't the drivel of TFA and R1. TFA almost put me to sleep.

Anonymous krymneth May 08, 2017 6:37 PM  

Decent cinematography is not so hard to come by that one should subject oneself to that movie.

I watched it while leaning heavily on the fast forward button. My experience of the movie was much better than most people's, as it was at least short.

Blogger Noah B The Savage Gardener May 08, 2017 6:37 PM  

It's Disney. Of course it sucks.

Anonymous VFM #6306 May 08, 2017 6:47 PM  

Lucas wanted to make the LeBeef character in the last one a daughter, but Spielberg talked him out of it.

That's funny! I did not know that. So Lucas picked LaBeef!

Anonymous Avalanche May 08, 2017 6:49 PM  

@44 "I could have sworn they DID say they were putting a gay in the next Star Wars."

Act One:
The Millennium Falcon makes a stop at an all-gay planet to find the missing half of the map-McGuffin (which turns out to be only half the map. (Turns out, it was a 'cut here' line, not a border on the edge.) The price for the map is the hetero ... oops, excuse me, the cis-gendered (I don't even know what "cis" means or comes from -- guess my college days are too long past!) ... so at least one of the cis-gendered crew has to be "sacrificed" at the local swinging temple (oh! the VELvet, the sparkles, the clothes!).

He (he?) gets the map-half, but decides to stay on the planet; he has found his 'calling.' (Disney will be taking votes for WHICH character gets sacrificed.)

Anonymous A. Nonymous May 08, 2017 7:07 PM  

The villain literally wields a burning cross

Not just that. If you look at his costume closely, it becomes apparent that he's also wearing a stylised WWII German Stahlhelm and something resembling a knight's maille hauberk circa the First Crusade. Under the mask, of course, he looks vaguely Jewish, which makes me wonder if the character wasn't consciously or unconsciously meant to evoke some sort of composite Jewish boogeyman of Klansman, black-clad SS trooper, crusading knight and "self-hating" convert (since Kylo/Ben has obviously "converted" to the Dark Side).

Blogger Turo Late May 08, 2017 7:29 PM  

jamsco wrote:No. I haven't even seen Prequel Two. Or Prequel Three for that matter.

Honestly, I still think you should go back and watched Prequel Three. It's decent cinematography.


You're joking right?

Anonymous Red 5 May 08, 2017 7:57 PM  

VFM #6306; Poe is in the battle at Maz Kanata's and is also the pilot that blows up the giant McGuffin at the end of the movie.

Which movie were you watching?

Blogger Michael Maier May 08, 2017 8:08 PM  

Fifty Seven wrote:The thing that stuck out for me was that this guy had supposedly been in Storm Trooper super indoctrination school so long he couldn't remember his own name... And he flips out and deserts in his first firefight. The Marines get better results than that in thirteen weeks.

So either the First Order has the most incompetent cadre imaginable, or the writers didn't do even the most basic homework on the subject.


And... the whole "Fin was a janitor before being a infantry killer thing. Yeah... "Latrine Cleaner First Class" sent to serve in Darth Emo's personal hit-squad.

I hate these last two so much... I thought after Epi 3 I was done being able to care.

Blogger Michael Maier May 08, 2017 8:09 PM  

jamsco wrote:No. I haven't even seen Prequel Two. Or Prequel Three for that matter.

Honestly, I still think you should go back and watched Prequel Three. It's decent cinematography.


Do please allow me to show you a photo of a pile of runny dog feces... immaculately presented in 20 Megapixels...

Anonymous VFM #6306 May 08, 2017 8:13 PM  

VFM #6306; Poe is in the battle at Maz Kanata's and is also the pilot that blows up the giant McGuffin at the end of the movie.

Which movie were you watching?


Clearly a very memorable one. I thought the guy who blew up Extra Death Star 3 was Porkins.

Anonymous David-093 May 08, 2017 8:15 PM  

Rogue One was so much better than TFA. The only good thing about TFA are the dogfights, which have only gotten better with every new movie.

Blogger tublecane May 08, 2017 8:19 PM  

@69-Kylo looked vaguely Jewish because he looked vaguely like Harrison Ford, and Harrison Ford is part Jewish. Carrie Fisher was half-Jewish as well, but I don't think he resembled her. He was more self-hating Skywalker than self-hating Jew, but I won't impede you from interpreting him that way.

The Nazi and medieval night motifs were present in the original Star Wars, but this one turned up the Nazi dial considerably.

Blogger Cluebat Vanexodar May 08, 2017 8:19 PM  

Don't care. Never really liked the whole franchise. Watched the first film in theaters when I was in high school and thought it was meh. Watched the next two when they came out as well. Bubble-gum, pop, SF-ish fantasy.

I had very high hopes for Dune, but was let down again. It was just not possible to transfer that story successfully to celluloid at that time. I hope that if they try it again they give it the same treatment that they gave Lord of the Rings instead of trying to cram it all into one film. Not much hope for that these days unless they can somehow portray Paul as gender fluid. Too bad because I was really looking forward to the cymek prequels.

Bladerunner was a pleasant surprise, but that could have been better.
We have reached a point where effects allow us to produce a good SF movie. Too bad that Hollywood is so converged.
Books are better. There are still authors out there willing to tell stories without fear or compromise. Hollywood not so much.

Anonymous BluePony May 08, 2017 8:24 PM  

SJWs can't handle flawed heroes for some reason. They went full on nuclear hate for The Legend Of Korra during its run seeming because of that.

The show's creators deliberately started Korra in a place where she was headstrong and overconfident and non one could tell *her* what to do nosiree. She then spends the first season getting repeatedly owned by enemies who were always a step or two ahead. She matured over the subsequent seasons and became a better Avatar as a result, still unsure and questioning herself until the last few episodes. Honestly, it was one of the better character arcs I've seen in a whole on television. Even if you didn't agree with all of it, you could tell the writers were trying.

OMG, you'd think the show's writers had personally came to each snowflake's home and murdered their pet. Or parents. I ran across posts a year after the series ended with bumhurts expressing their "burning hate" for the show that dared show a female character as having flaws and needing to grow into a tough leadership role.

Anonymous BluePony May 08, 2017 8:28 PM  

"I had very high hopes for Dune, but was let down again. It was just not possible to transfer that story successfully to celluloid at that time."

Sci-Fi Channel did a miniseries. It was so-so. Nothing about it stuck with me but I don't recall any huge issues, either.

Honestly, I think nearly any book can be adapted. You just have to be clever and, in most cases, trust the source material.

Anonymous A Most Deplorable Paradigm Is More Than Twenty Deplorable Cents May 08, 2017 8:35 PM  

Think I'll pass on any more Mouse Wars, and just wait for the movie version of Embers of Empire.

Blogger Daniel May 08, 2017 8:47 PM  

It is a movie you have a gard time remembering it. But the worst is, where is the bikini scene? Or something 4 the boys? Dissapointed

Anonymous JAG May 08, 2017 8:48 PM  

Star Wars: Ass

Still would have been better than the crapfest Disney gave us. I skipped Rogue 1, and won't have anything further to do with Disney Wars.

It was so bad I actually did something I thought I would never do. I started reading Expanded Universe stuff that is now considered non-canon. I've finished the books one and two of the Thrawn Trilogy. This would have been a far better basis for the new films.

Anonymous JAG May 08, 2017 8:51 PM  

BluePony wrote:"I had very high hopes for Dune, but was let down again. It was just not possible to transfer that story successfully to celluloid at that time."

Sci-Fi Channel did a miniseries. It was so-so. Nothing about it stuck with me but I don't recall any huge issues, either.

Honestly, I think nearly any book can be adapted. You just have to be clever and, in most cases, trust the source material.



The SyFy series had some of the absolute worst acting ever. I just can't get passed that.

I'm going to get unpersonned for this, but I actually like the Lynch Dune film. And yes, I have read Dune which is far superior, but is just too damn difficult for Hollywood to handle.

Blogger Josh (the gayest thing here) May 08, 2017 8:53 PM  

TFA was better than Jedi

Anonymous Anonymous Classi(ci)st May 08, 2017 8:53 PM  

Avalanche wrote:@44 "I could have sworn they DID say they were putting a gay in the next Star Wars."

Act One:

The Millennium Falcon makes a stop at an all-gay planet to find the missing half of the map-McGuffin (which turns out to be only half the map. (Turns out, it was a 'cut here' line, not a border on the edge.) The price for the map is the hetero ... oops, excuse me, the cis-gendered (I don't even know what "cis" means or comes from -- guess my college days are too long past!) ... so at least one of the cis-gendered crew has to be "sacrificed" at the local swinging temple (oh! the VELvet, the sparkles, the clothes!).

He (he?) gets the map-half, but decides to stay on the planet; he has found his 'calling.' (Disney will be taking votes for WHICH character gets sacrificed.)


"Cis" is sort of a Latin pun -- it's the opposite of "trans", as in "cisalpine Gaul"/"transalpine Gaul".

Anonymous A Most Deplorable Paradigm Is More Than Twenty Cents May 08, 2017 8:54 PM  

I really don't plan to see any more of the Mouse Wars.
Better to just wait for the movie version of Embers of Empire.

Blogger Chris Lutz May 08, 2017 9:05 PM  

I'll be unpersonned with you. The Lynch version has the feel of the book. The miniseries is forgettable and doesn't hold up over time.

Blogger Wolfman at Large May 08, 2017 9:06 PM  

I must stop and salute Herr Warpig for his heroic sacrifice in watching that movie again.

Blogger Cail Corishev May 08, 2017 9:08 PM  

@64, Yes, in this age of endless reboots and movies designed to blandly appeal to the mass international market, one thing you can say for Lucas and the prequels is that he was trying to do something different, and not just retelling a safe story. Those movies are at least memorable, if mainly for the bad and bizarre choices. From the way people describe these new movies, I wonder if anyone will remember them well enough to hate them five years from now.

Anonymous Looking Glass May 08, 2017 9:15 PM  

@88 Cail Corishev

I believe they mentioned having rough planning for the next 15 years of Star Wars movies. So, no. You won't be able to sort them out from the others. "Was that the 3rd in the 3rd trilogy or the 2nd in the 4th?".

Anonymous basementhomebrewer May 08, 2017 9:15 PM  

Cail Corishev wrote:Here he goes now

Pret-ty slow

kind-a limping

cause he's old-old-old


Ah, a fellow Rifftrax fan! Rifftrax is the only way to watch a lot of the movies coming out these days.

Who wants to bet that the new Indiana Jones movie will feature a real sooper kick-ass pixie-ninja grrrrl, granddaughter ready to take the reins from grampaw Indy?

Lucas wanted to make the LeBeef character in the last one a daughter, but Spielberg talked him out of it. But yeah, maybe a granddaughter, or a kickass, take-charge girl student from one of his classes.


Happened to watch this Rifftrax this weekend and I will say that after the first hour or so I was ready for it to be over. The movie is bad, but not in the blatantly easy to make fun of way. It
just got boring even with them trying their best to make it entertaining. I would say some of the best they have done so far is Twilight, some of the Harry Potters and Willy Wonka. Road house was pretty good as well.

Blogger Nate May 08, 2017 9:23 PM  

i myself have not seen Rogue One... but I have been told by everyone that its the best depiction of Vader of all of the movies since Empire.

so... it may be worth renting it just to fast forward to the vader scenes

Anonymous A. Nonymous May 08, 2017 9:26 PM  

Kylo looked vaguely Jewish because he looked vaguely like Harrison Ford, and Harrison Ford is part Jewish. Carrie Fisher was half-Jewish as well, but I don't think he resembled her.

Kylo looks nothing at all like previous depictions of Solo children (which were, obviously, based on a mixture of Ford's and Fisher's facial features). He does, however, look very Jewish, which probably isn't a coincidence given how ethnically self-conscious Jew-Jew Abrams is ("six billion Vulcans! Never again!)

He was more self-hating Skywalker than self-hating Jew, but I won't impede you from interpreting him that way.

Denial, as they say, isn't just a river in Egypt.

The Nazi and medieval night motifs were present in the original Star Wars, but this one turned up the Nazi dial considerably.

The Empire was aesthetically more Japanese, actually. The Emperor wears something resembling a kimono, Darth Vader's helmet draws inspiration from samurai equivalents, the Imperial Navy Troopers' helmets are likewise patterned after the traditional Japanese footsoldier's kabuto, and Imperial Navy officers' uniforms follow the cut and style of the WWII-era IJN. Even the TIE Fighters' reputation for exploding at the slightest provocation owes more to the fabled Zero than any German equivalent. By contrast, it seems as though the Rebels are the ones invoking the Nazis, what with the Aryan good looks of Luke Skywalker and the unabashed homage to Triumph des Willens at the end.

The Force Awakens basically flips this on its head, with the bad guys getting the Leni Riefenstahl-inspired ceremonial gathering (and, incidentally, their officers' uniforms have been redesigned to suggest the traditional tunics of the Cossacks, another long-time Jewish bugbear).

Blogger Nate May 08, 2017 9:31 PM  

I think people judge Force Awakens unfairly. As I have said many times... Leah started the whole Princess Who Recues Herself motif. And Leah was ever bit the mary sue that Rey is. Leah has never been anything but perfect.

Star Wars always had a significant proggy flavor to it. It just was tolerated more easily because it was mild compared to the out-right commie propaganda of Star Trek

Anonymous VFM #6306 May 08, 2017 9:40 PM  

Totally correct, Nate.

But it wasn't called The Adventures of Leia Skywalker, now was it?

Blogger Dirtnapninja May 08, 2017 9:42 PM  

BluePony wrote:SJWs can't handle flawed heroes for some reason. They went full on nuclear hate for The Legend Of Korra during its run seeming because of that.

That's because modern fandom all too often consists of socially broken wierdos with severe psycho-sexual issues who project themselves into the hero.

Blogger Chris Lutz May 08, 2017 9:47 PM  

@91 No, the appearance of Vader in R1 is tacked on fanboy service. It doesn't fit and it continues the mistake that Lucas made in the prequels. It makes Force users ridiculously powered. I'll suspend belief that a Force user can deflect shots from a single person. I can't do that with multiple people shooting at the same target.

Leah isn't a Mary Sue. She doesn't know everything. She never pilots a ship. She's shown as a leader and that's pretty much it. If Rey were in A New Hope today, she would pilot the X-wing that destroys the Death Star after crippling Vader's ship.

Blogger Noah B The Savage Gardener May 08, 2017 9:49 PM  

@91 Saw a lousy cam version of Rogue One. The Vader scenes right at the end were awesome. Skip the rest.

Blogger Chris Lutz May 08, 2017 9:54 PM  

@89 I have to believe Disney is going to run SW into the ground with their pumping out movies almost every year. As you said, they are going to run into a blur of repetitive memories.

Blogger Nate May 08, 2017 9:58 PM  

"But it wasn't called The Adventures of Leia Skywalker, now was it?"

no. and I never thought of it as The Adventures of Luke Skywalker either. Luke isn't the main character. Anakin is.

Blogger Nate May 08, 2017 10:05 PM  

much of the complaints about the new movies come from falsely high expectations based on incorrect memories of the past movies. These movies weren't actually that good. They are severely flawed. For example in the first movie Vader is little more than the emperor's attack dog. He has a few tricks but he is also put in his place by mere military men.

Luke taking out Vader is ridiculous on its face. Even in Jedi the notion that Luke could really bang with Vader is just silly. On top of all of that... the lightsaber fights sucked in IV V AND VI. That's just objective reality. Watch the fights between Maul and well... anyone. They are 10X better than the fights in the original trilogy.

Blogger Nate May 08, 2017 10:11 PM  

"Leah isn't a Mary Sue. She doesn't know everything. She never pilots a ship. She's shown as a leader and that's pretty much it. "

you need to watch New Hope again sweet heart. Leah is smarter than Luke and she is a better fighter than Luke.

"Somebody has to save our skins. Into the garbage shoot flyboy."

Anonymous JAG May 08, 2017 10:14 PM  

If Leia were Rey, then Han, Chewie, Luke, Ben, C-3PO, and R2-D2 would have just stayed in the bar on Tatooine because Leia wouldn't need any of them. They would just be progress stoppers, because Mary Sue is much better at all their respective skills and talents than they are.

Unlike Rey, Leia couldn't rescue herself. What a weakling. The only feat that Leia showed was in ROTJ where she choked out Jaba with that slave girl chain. Oh, and she french kissed her brother... gross!

Anonymous VFM #6306 May 08, 2017 10:22 PM  

no. and I never thought of it as The Adventures of Luke Skywalker either. Luke isn't the main character. Anakin is.

I'm sure that would come as a surprise to Alan Dean Foster who wrote the novelization in about two months, based off the script of the forthcoming Star Wars movie. "From the Adventures of Luke Skywalker" was the intention from the beginning.

Anakin's story was retconned after switching to the Father thing. He was originally just the killer of Luke's heroic dad. Darth Vader in A New Hope was just a badass black robot bad guy.

Blogger Noah B The Savage Gardener May 08, 2017 10:23 PM  

"Watch the fights between Maul and well... anyone. They are 10X better than the fights in the original trilogy."

Those are the best fight scenes in the franchise. But they weren't enough to redeem the predictable storyline or the unexceptional character development.

Anonymous VFM #6306 May 08, 2017 10:24 PM  

Leah is smarter than Luke and she is a better fighter than Luke.

She's a Mary Sue kickass princess.

She isn't the main character. Big...big difference.

Anonymous A. Nonymous May 08, 2017 10:29 PM  

No, the appearance of Vader in R1 is tacked on fanboy service. It doesn't fit and it continues the mistake that Lucas made in the prequels. It makes Force users ridiculously powered. I'll suspend belief that a Force user can deflect shots from a single person. I can't do that with multiple people shooting at the same target.

Indeed. It would not be physically possible, Jedi powers or not, for a single lightsaber blade to deflect shots from a dozen or more people all shooting at the same target simultaneously.

Also, Vader looks like one of those expensive-yet-still-not-convincing Halloween costumes.

Anonymous Sharrukin May 08, 2017 10:31 PM  

Rogue One was as dull as dishwater. No characterization with a collection of boring characters more notable for their ethnic background and their one trick granted by the writers. As for personality...not a shred to be found and why was Forest Whitaker even in this movie as his character was basically pointless. The movie should have been and could have been much better than it was.

The Force Awakens was more lively but the Mary Sue Jedi-Ninja lead killed it. Finn/Poe seemed like a pointless duplication as characters go. Poe basically disappeared for half the movie and Finn was absurd. A supposedly trained merciless Stormtrooper who goes directly to cracking jokes while acting as a spear-carrier for the scowling pint sized Ninja girl.

Star Wars is dead and has been for some time.

Anonymous DaveInjustice May 08, 2017 10:42 PM  

OT Post Request:

I was thinking today about the Meanest/Funniest Ilk/VD/VP originated nicknames for people. Sure The Littlest Chickenhawk is great but i'm not sure it'd even crack the top 3.. my personal favorites are

Poz Myers (most evil)
Me-So Michelle (which never fails to make me laugh)
George Rape Rape Martin aka Rape Rape.

Any i've missed?

Anonymous JJ Timmins May 08, 2017 10:54 PM  

Mary Sue or not, I still enjoyed the movie.

Blogger ((( bob kek mando ))) - ( don't trifle with me, son. i'm a professional, certified 4th degree black belt in the ancient Hebrew martial art of Kibitz Maga ) May 08, 2017 11:21 PM  

you know what Danica Patrick's middle name is?

go on, take a wild guess.


109. JJ Timmins May 08, 2017 10:54 PM
Mary Sue or not, I still enjoyed the movie.


TFA wasn't awful.

*but*

every single thing in it that was any good ( and a lot of the not so good stuff ) was stolen directly from ep 4-6.

so you may as well just watch the original trilogy and get a better story.

Anonymous VFM #6306 May 08, 2017 11:40 PM  

Any i've missed?

Captain Underoos
The Lizard Queen
McRapey
McCreepy
half-savage
Toad of Tor
Mary Puppinette
The Ensign
Josh (the gayest thing here)
Der Hausfrauhrer

Anonymous VFM #6306 May 08, 2017 11:43 PM  

Oh, and Wängsty!

Blogger Matt Robison May 08, 2017 11:59 PM  

My disappointed review of the movie, this coming from a former uber Star Wars nerd.

https://medium.com/@mattrobison/the-force-hits-snooze-and-sleeps-in-f98d9412538f

The whole argument over the Mary Sue thing is so stupid. Rey is a Mary Sue *by definition*. There is nothing to argue about. People forget that, in the original movie, Luke sucked, and is saved by almost every other major character before finally having his moment.

Blogger Matt Robison May 09, 2017 12:04 AM  

I never felt like Rey was in any actual danger. She literally makes no major mistakes, and when she needs to get out of jam, she discovers a new magical power. What is she, the Dungeon Master’s girlfriend? Was she slipped a weighted dice that rolls natural twenties?

Blogger Michael Maier May 09, 2017 12:20 AM  

Nate wrote:i myself have not seen Rogue One... but I have been told by everyone that its the best depiction of Vader of all of the movies since Empire.

so... it may be worth renting it just to fast forward to the vader scenes



Vader in ROGUE ONE is a badass... incompetent. (And we get his "Dad" joke beforehand... fan-tas-tic.....)

It's a pathetic joke that he didn't get the plans from the Rebels in that scene.

AND we're further insulted by the fact that the ret-con completely destroys Leia's denials in Epi 4. The plans weren't "beamed" to that ship.

HER SHIP WAS THE DAMNED GETAWAY VEHICLE for the thieves! There's no way the Empire didn't have a positive ID on it.

I love that the Rebellion is reduced to using a FLASH DRIVE... yeah. That's high-tech.

I could have written better movies for THE FARCE AWAKENS and ROGUE CRAP.

Blogger tublecane May 09, 2017 12:39 AM  

@100-The prequel duels are better action, but they're crap as drama.

Anonymous FP May 09, 2017 12:40 AM  

My Dead Gramps wrote:I'm still holding out a sliver of hope that they're gonna pull a Revan to explain Rey's super-duper awesomeness (i.e. she was already a Jedi with years of experience who was mindwiped) and it isn't just your bog-standard waif-fu.



That was one of two things that I spent time thinking about when watching TFA. She has to have some backstory because what they're saying isn't much and makes no sense. I figured she was Han and Leia's second kid that Han doesn't know about since he ran off.

The other point was I kept thinking about what in the hell is going on politically in the movie which they avoid because they were re-making a new hope/original trilogy and everyone hated how they focused on politics in the prequels. But almost everything else in TFA was boring. I actually looked at the clock a couple of times wondering how long I had left.

The Falcon flying scenes and the dogfights were good though. But Rey (of the Light Side) and Darth Emo were just horrible. When they get to the scene in the cloud city er I mean the shield generator room of star killer death star, I immediate wondered who was going to get their arm cut off. Sadly they didn't pull a Han shoots first move and have him stab his own kid with his saber and they both tumbler over the edge. For a few seconds there I had hope though.

Blogger tublecane May 09, 2017 12:48 AM  

@93-Princess Leia didn't save herself, though, did she? Luke, Han, the robots, and Obi Wan saved her. There's no doubt in my mind they wanted her to be not JUST a damsel in distress, if not a feminist icon. But she actually was a damsel in distress, and didn't knock grown men to the ground or pilot starships. Her feminism consisted of bitching, ordering the stupid men around, and being a

Yet there she is, laying sexily in wait for her rescuers. Then she gives Luke a kiss before he hauls her ass over one of the many bottomless pits in the Star Wars movies. Later, Luke, not Leia, blows up the Death Star with the force. She's allowed to be in on intelligence and strategy and watch the battle on a screen, but Luke pilots the ship and drops the torpedo.

Blogger tublecane May 09, 2017 12:57 AM  

@101-"Somebody has to save our skins. Into the garbage shoot flyboy."

Which doesn't save their skins. They almost die in the garbage compactor. R2-D2 saves their skin, not Leia.

Your perception of Leia's kick-assedness in that movie is based on her dialogue. What does she actually do? It's her idea to hide the plans in R2 and get them to Obi Wan. I guess jumping in the garbage chute is better than the hallway. She has connections to the rebellion and delivers the intelligence to them. That's about it.

An annoying, entitled woman with pretensions of being a badass. But not a kick-ass genius warrior mechanic Jedi like Rey.

Blogger the bandit May 09, 2017 1:03 AM  

@91 This is the scene you are looking for.

Blogger the bandit May 09, 2017 1:07 AM  

Nate wrote:On top of all of that... the lightsaber fights sucked in IV V AND VI. That's just objective reality. Watch the fights between Maul and well... anyone. They are 10X better than the fights in the original trilogy.

The funniest Star Wars fan videos are the ones attempting to explain why Obi-Wan and Vader's lightsaber skills seemed to decline by the time of the original trilogy.

Anonymous JAG May 09, 2017 1:20 AM  

VFM #6306 wrote:Any i've missed?

Captain Underoos

The Lizard Queen

McRapey

McCreepy

half-savage

Toad of Tor

Mary Puppinette

The Ensign

Josh (the gayest thing here)

Der Hausfrauhrer


Add Sparklepunter to the list.

Anonymous JAG May 09, 2017 1:26 AM  

Matt Robison wrote:My disappointed review of the movie, this coming from a former uber Star Wars nerd.



The whole argument over the Mary Sue thing is so stupid. Rey is a Mary Sue *by definition*. There is nothing to argue about. People forget that, in the original movie, Luke sucked, and is saved by almost every other major character before finally having his moment.


Luke got his ass kicked by a Tusken Raider, almost got a beatdown from the guys who didn't like him in the cantina if not for Ben, and took a sever whoopin' from daddy in ESB. Even Han had to check him verbally from getting cocky as a rookie.

I agree completely. Luke was a wimp that most could beat up in ANH, was an emo nightmare for Yoda to attempt to train in ESB, and finally mans up in ROTJ. It took 3 movies and around 6 hours to get there.

Blogger praetorian May 09, 2017 1:54 AM  

TFA was better than Jedi

...

i myself have not seen Rogue One

It's worth watching. Everyone you hate gets killed.

Unfortunately a pretty funny droid gets killed too. I liked him, but his friends were sh*t.

I love that the Rebellion is reduced to using a FLASH DRIVE... yeah. That's high-tech.

The last scene w/ vader cutting through all the retarded rebels would have been better executed set to yakity sax.

Blogger Stephen May 09, 2017 3:46 AM  

It is obvious Fin was originally supposed to white and then cast swapped later for diversity. No way would they of written him as so weak, stupid, incompetent and cowardly if he was black from the beginning. I think their is some concept art out there where he is blond. So ironically the diversity rush changing the feminists doormat into a black made the stupid cowardly character more realistic. If the character had been black from the beginning there is no doubt the Jewish writers would of made him awesome with Rey gushing and drooling over him.

@67.VFM So when Spielberg talked Lucas into giving Indiana Jones a son instead of a daughter he chose Labeef so the son could be as whiny and girly as possible.

If you must keep track of pop culture don't give them your shekels use PBay.

Blogger Dire Badger May 09, 2017 5:47 AM  

I was just remembering the stunt coordinator for Tomb Raider 2 telling Jolie, "Just go ahead and hit them for real as hard as you can, as long as you don't hurt yourself... You can't hurt them, and pulling your punches like that looks super fake."

Blogger Benjamin Kraft May 09, 2017 6:00 AM  

I think this is the fifth or sixth time I've seen a comment by this same anonymous clown. I'd say that I hate to be the A-hole, but sometimes that would definitely be a lie.

What does the single. Sentence. At the bottom of the page, titled "Rules of the blog" say?

Blogger Benjamin Kraft May 09, 2017 6:01 AM  

Apparently I can't count. Two sentences. One line. Whatever.

Blogger Alexandros May 09, 2017 6:29 AM  

Ohhhhh is embers of the empire going to be a deconstruction of the plucky rebels save the galaxy trope? I always thought the rebels in star wars were basically disgusting terrorists; can't wait!

Blogger Daniel May 09, 2017 7:11 AM  

I enjoyed those books too

Blogger Daniel May 09, 2017 7:16 AM  

But leia in that bikini... Dude

Blogger Buybuydandavis May 09, 2017 7:33 AM  

basementhomebrewer wrote:
I would say some of the best they have done so far is Twilight, some of the Harry Potters and Willy Wonka. Road house was pretty good as well.


Twilight was the best all time. Perfect movie for Rifftrax. Long, awkward teenage pauses filled with snide comments.

Road House. 300. Star Wars Prequels had such cringey dialogue. Perfectly teed up the ball for them.

I wait for the Rifftrax of most blockbusters. Much more fun than most originals.

Transformers w/o Rifftrax? Why?

Blogger Cail Corishev May 09, 2017 8:26 AM  

The funniest Star Wars fan videos are the ones attempting to explain why Obi-Wan and Vader's lightsaber skills seemed to decline by the time of the original trilogy.

Watching the Darth Maul fights set to dance music is pretty great too.

Anonymous Kevin May 09, 2017 10:34 AM  

In the theater my sons were already getting exhausted by Rey. There was the scene where she tried to use the force to control the storm trooper and he laughed saying he would make the binds tighter. My sons sighed a relief. One of them started to say, "That was close, I thought they were going to have her..." Before he finished the sentence, yes she had used an advanced force technique and my sons rolled their eyes.

The Force Awakens might be the worst Star Wars movie. Made even more obvious by the fact that Rouge One is one of the absolute best.

Blogger Zapp Brannigan May 09, 2017 11:07 AM  

@Cail, basement, buybuy

Fellow Riffer here.

It's funny: I thought I was one of only ones who had come to realize that I could no longer watch most Hollywood movies without the Rifftrax commentary. Honestly, movies have become so empty. I guess that's the word. Soulless. If I were a wiser man I suppose I could put into words why my heart leaps at the truck chase scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark or Luke's final trench run in Star Wars or the part where Superman catches Lois Lane in one hand and a helicopter in the other. These are moments where I, a forty-one year old man watching these movies with my kids, am compelled to stand because I can't contain my excitement and joy at seeing a great Wrong righted.

If I was a wiser man I could explain it. But I'm not, so I won't.

I know there are still *serious* movies being made, and perhaps some are good. But I'm not talking about that genre. I speak rather about the big movies, the popcorn movies, the ones that transport you away from this drab world and into a fantasy for two hours. Whatever the stuffy critics may say, THESE movies are the lifeblood of the industry. How many people honestly watch the perennial Oscar nominees? Who even saw whatever film it was that won the award this year after the mix-up on the stage? Critics may hate to admit it, but Marvel does infinitely more to keep the Hollywood lights on than some message-heavy biopic about Emily Dickenson (yes, this was made).

So, that's what I've missed most. The original Avengers was pretty good, but it's now full-SJW. The first Pirates of the Caribbean movie was outstanding for its action and humor, but that made it a target and it was quickly corrupted by the SJW borg. I have never bothered to watch a Transformers movie; I grew up on the cartoon and that's what it will remain to me.

My point is that I can't go to movies anymore, and that's a tragedy because as a kid, I did so fairly frequently. Now, I can't trust them enough to give my kids the same transporting experiences I once had in a darkened theater. Most are only good for ridicule and, while Rifftrax does great work, I sometimes wish they had less inventory to choose from.

Blogger Gaiseric May 09, 2017 11:07 AM  

Kevin wrote:The Force Awakens might be the worst Star Wars movie. Made even more obvious by the fact that Rouge One is one of the absolute best.
https://i.redd.it/xwu74kdhbz3y.jpg

Blogger jaericho May 09, 2017 11:24 AM  

@135 I may enjoy some of the movies released, but I look forward more towards the rifftrax commentary of those same movies.

Blogger ((( bob kek mando ))) - ( don't trifle with me, son. i'm a professional, certified 4th degree black belt in the ancient Hebrew martial art of Kibitz Maga ) May 09, 2017 11:32 AM  

100. Nate May 08, 2017 10:05 PM
They are 10X better than the fights in the original trilogy.



a - that doesn't make them 'good' though. when half of the saber attacks in the prequels would not connect even if the attacked character didn't move at all, that's just flat out idiocy.

b - if you're watching Star Wars for the swordwork in the saber fights ... YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG



108. DaveInjustice May 08, 2017 10:42 PM
Any i've missed?



Pedophil Sandifer is the one who hates Pinochet

what was the nick for that little fag who writes for the Daily Mail and never publishes his novel?


Blogger Scott Birch May 09, 2017 11:51 AM  

Usually NABALTs dominate their white toys soon after tupping them. I do remember one Iranian woman who had one metaphorically collared and on a lead though. Don't mess with wonen raised in real patriarchies.

Blogger Matt Robison May 09, 2017 11:56 AM  

Kevin wrote:In the theater my sons were already getting exhausted by Rey. There was the scene where she tried to use the force to control the storm trooper and he laughed saying he would make the binds tighter. My sons sighed a relief. One of them started to say, "That was close, I thought they were going to have her..." Before he finished the sentence, yes she had used an advanced force technique and my sons rolled their eyes.

I had literally the exact same reaction to that scene as your sons, complete with the initial sigh of relief. After that scene, I was done.

Blogger Scott Birch May 09, 2017 12:02 PM  

So many possibilities in the SW universe: I imagine a Jedi female getting pregnant and comminicating psychically with her fetus way before birth, but SJWs would shout that one down before 2nd draft. There is such a heavy lid of fear and dogma on the modern commercial imagination.

Anonymous Shut up rabbit May 09, 2017 1:37 PM  

((( bob kek mando ))) - ( don't trifle with me, son. i'm a professional, certified 4th degree black belt in the ancient Hebrew martial art of Kibitz Maga ) wrote:what was the nick for that little fag who writes for the Daily Mail and never publishes his novel?

Damo Retardo?

Blogger John Rampton May 09, 2017 2:46 PM  

I still have yet to hear a good explanation as to how magic mitichondria (midicloreans) can be transferred to a male offspring.

Blogger Unknown May 09, 2017 3:55 PM  

Alexandros wrote:Ohhhhh is embers of the empire going to be a deconstruction of the plucky rebels save the galaxy trope? I always thought the rebels in star wars were basically disgusting terrorists; can't wait!

My father's theory was that the Rebels were funded as entertainment by the Emperor when he got bored of not having any adversaries, and things just got out of hand a bit.

Anonymous WaterBoy May 11, 2017 7:05 PM  

DaveInjustice @109: "Any i've missed?"

Fowl Atheist (PZ Myers)
My Lab Partner (Sam Harris?)
Brave Sir William (Bill O'Reilly)

And some one-offs:

Rx Limbaugh
Krugster, The Greatest and Most Important Living Economist (Paul Krugman)
Dollarific Duo (Ben Bernanke and Paul Krugman) "two econoheroes helicoptering into countries with contracting economies and rescuing them before riding off into the sunset on their tandem Neo-Keynesian cycle."

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