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Wednesday, July 19, 2017

The funniest book in the world


This excerpt from a story below is just one of the many examples why THE LAWDOG FILES is the bestselling funny book on Amazon. I mean, have you ever seen a book with 79 of 82 reviews being 5 stars?

FILE 8: The Six-Foot Chickens

There I was, parked in the Allsup’s lot with an an extra-jumbo Dr. Pepper in one paw and a chimichanga in the other. Somewhere else in the county, a rookie officer was doing his first solo patrol. Life was good.

“SO, car 12.”

*Chomp, chomp* “Go ahead.”

“Car 12, car 20 requests backup at Wobble Creek. He’s nekkid.”

I paused, for a moment, eyeing my chimichanga suspiciously, and then keyed the mic: “Car 12, SO. Say again your last?” Please, please let me be hallucinating.

“Car 12, I’m just relaying what I was told. The kid needs help and said he was nekkid.”

I hightailed it to the location, looked frantically for the rookie’s cruiser, and spotted it parked beside a big corral. I whipped in beside the corral, leaped out, and started looking for my newbie. All I saw was a rancher leaning against the corral, chewing on a stalk of something, and staring with bemused fascination into the corral. I looked into the corral, and it was full of chickens. Six-foot-tall chickens.

“T’ain’t chickens,” grunted the rancher before I could say anything. “Emus.”

I was about to ask what an Australian bird was doing in North Texas, and then I noticed that about four of these mutant chickens were in one corner of the pen, crawling all over each other and trying to get away from a man in the center of the pen.

A man who was on his knees, arms held out in supplication to the terrified megafowl, and begging in alcohol-sodden tones, “Birdie want a Benny?”

And he was as utterly, completely, and totally bare-butt nekkid as the day he was born.

On the other side of the corral was my rookie. He was crawling frantically for the corral fence while an enraged six-foot chicken jumped up and down on his back.

It was a Prozac moment.

“Frank.” Could those calm tones belong to me? “Would you mind getting out here? Thank you. Benny, come here. Now.”

Benny turned and shuffled toward me with an air of I’ve-done-something-wrong-but-I-don’t-know-what-it-is-yet while staying well out of grabbing range.

Still wondering where this remarkable calm came from, I asked, “Benny, what are you doing in that chicken coop?”

“T’aint chickens. Emus” grunted the rancher.

Benny warbled, hiccuped, and waved his arms at me.

“You’re doing what? Committing suicide? BY CHICKEN?”

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21 Comments:

Blogger KBuff July 19, 2017 11:09 AM  

The book is definitely worth the money. Funny as heck, and Benny shows up again later on.

Anonymous Eduardo July 19, 2017 11:20 AM  

LOL

That is my fake review of the excerpt.

Blogger Cataline Sergius July 19, 2017 11:33 AM  

I love the Big Momma stories.

Blogger Shimshon July 19, 2017 11:42 AM  

That's a good laugh.

Anonymous Michael Maier July 19, 2017 11:43 AM  

God help us... there are more than 600 verified purchases of Al Franken's book?

Blogger Bigceltic July 19, 2017 11:44 AM  

I am 90% of the way through the book. Very enjoyable read.

Anonymous Looking Glass July 19, 2017 12:29 PM  

Buy the book. The story gets better.

"T'aint chickens. Emus."

Blogger Fenris Wulf July 19, 2017 1:00 PM  

I used to live in an area with a lot of emu farms. I was out walking my landlord's wolf-dog, and he stopped to stare at an emu behind a fence. The emu tried to hide behind a tiny sapling, like a cartoon character, and stared back at the dog. It was pretty funny.

Anonymous logprof July 19, 2017 1:38 PM  

That is 24k gold.

Anonymous Eduardo July 19, 2017 1:43 PM  

@9

Not enough ca$h... Stranger!

Anonymous A Deplorable Paradigm Is More Than Twenty Cents July 19, 2017 1:55 PM  

Excellent results from Larry's bookbombing. The cops I know don't read ebooks, so they'll have to get a hard copy.

Anonymous CarpeOro July 19, 2017 2:15 PM  

A Deplorable Paradigm Is More Than Twenty Cents wrote:Excellent results from Larry's bookbombing. The cops I know don't read ebooks, so they'll have to get a hard copy.

I mentioned in my review I'd buy one when it came out in paper for a retired police officer friend.

Blogger Noah B The Savage Gardener July 19, 2017 3:21 PM  

And this was before they started hitting the maple syrup.

Anonymous Questions July 19, 2017 3:46 PM  

Why didn't Milo publish with Castalia?

Blogger VD July 19, 2017 3:47 PM  

Why didn't Milo publish with Castalia?

You would have to ask him.

Blogger Bibliotheca Servare July 19, 2017 4:35 PM  

Bacon grease. *dies laughing* :-D

Blogger Snidely Whiplash July 19, 2017 5:48 PM  

Why didn't Milo publish with Castalia?
I can think of two good reasons.

As a giant F*** You to whichever publisher he orginally signed with. Successfully self publishing demonstrates to the world, and new authors, that they are a net loss for an author.

He figured he could make substantially more money by hiring out the services CH provides. Given the pre-sales, he was probably right.

Anonymous CoolHand July 19, 2017 6:46 PM  

Excellent book, read it in one sitting night before last.

Funny as hell in some places, though the jail status updates didn't really do anything for me.

The rest more than made up for them though. And how.

Blogger Emmett Fitz-Hume July 19, 2017 8:49 PM  

Great stories and worth the money.

I found the Big Momma stories funny, though they hit a bit close to home. I come from a northern region that nonetheless has its own share redneck types and have dealt with a family on numerous occasions that could be Big Momma's extended brood in the Great White North.

It all rings true.

Blogger Lazarus July 19, 2017 10:37 PM  

Michael Maier wrote:God help us... there are more than 600 verified purchases of Al Franken's book?

Because he's good enough, smart enough, and, doggone it, people like him.

Blogger Were-Puppy July 20, 2017 12:26 AM  

I just finished the Missionaries this morning.
I'll get this one next.

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