Wednesday, March 25, 2020

Stilt-Man vs the SJWarriors

Science fiction grandmaster and classic comics aficionado John C. Wright contemplates the results of a minor Marvel villain, Stilt-Man, facing off against Marvel's new superhero team, the new New Warriors (2020 SJW edition). Read the whole thing there.

Let us say Stilt-Man has decided to rob a helicopter. Let us moreover say that Screentime uses his power of the netsurfing to come across a police bulletin, twitter post, or cellphone selfie showing the crime in progress.

Perhaps the crime takes place very nearby to the Old Folk’s Home where Fat Chance, the diversity hire orphan girl, is pulling cakes and pastries out of her god-given backpack (not the god you are thinking of, however) to share with the elderly and unloved senior citizens. They watch in awe as she consumes whole peach pies in one gulp.

Now, according to the official Marvel continuity, vigilante activity is illegal in the United States, and the government has passed ‘Kamala’s Law’ making teenagers doing vigilante activity even more illegal. So the teen heroes don their supersuits, and the bold yet chubby leader dons her double plus extra large sized supersuit. Not a single one of them wears masks or otherwise hides his identity. Except for Safespace, who does not wear a mask mask to hid ‘their’ identity.

So Fat Chance, the leader, waddles to the scene, puffing!

Meanwhile, Snowflake and Safespace are embracing each other with undue intimacy for a brother and sister (but it is perfectly fine, since the sister is neither male nor female, so technically she is his sibling, but not his sister). They see the Fat Signal, which Fat Chance pulls from her god-given backpack (not the god you are thinking of, however).

The amazing powers of Snowflake do not allow her to create a giant slide made of ice, like Iceman, nor to fly, like Snowbird, so she and her brother just run there. Fortunately, despite his girl hips and lack of muscle tone, he is a stereotypical jock, and get there while the crime is still in progress!

Screentime uses his power of internet connection to hire an Uber. In this case, the driver is Willy Lumpkin, the mailman for the Baxter Building, doing odd jobs to pick up some extra cash in his off hours

So the combat is joined!

Fat Chance rummages into her god-given backpack (but it is not the god you are thinking of) and pulls out a tuba, or perhaps a tortoise shell, or a taco, or a tape recorder, or a tea set, or a tricycle. But let us say, against all odds, she pulls out something useful, like a Tommy gun, and opens fire. Her flab wiggles and flaps in an alarming yet unsightly fashion from the jarring recoil of the hammering gunfire!

At the same time, Snowflake creates a dozen whirling, razor sharp crystal shuriken, and throws then with the full strength of her non-binary arm!

Screentime gets out of the Uber car and pays the driver, Willy Lumpkin, using Paypal, a convenient service that allows one to pay for goods and services over the internet! And, uh, he looks up information on Wikipedia about Stilt-Man or something, diagramming the battle suit.

Then B-Negative finds a convenient updraft, and launches himself skyward, closing with Stilt-Man, his bad attitude of which he has proud ownership displayed in his nonchalant yet abrasive teen demeanor!

Stilt-Man can detect the attack with his rear and downward view mirrors (not show in the diagram above) and can duck under the initial swoop by quickly retracting his legs!

The Stilt-Man armor was seen to be bulletproof in its first appearance back in Daredevil comics. The non-binary arm of the shuriken throwing sexual deviant cannot possibly top a thirty-story building, nor strike harder than a bullet. So both the snowflake-shaped crystal shuriken and the Tommy gun (or whatever) pulled out of the god-given backpack (not the god you are thinking of) simply bounce off.

And they do not bounce off Stilt-Man’s chest, by the way. A Tommy gun’s effective range is about 300 feet when fired level, less so when fired straight up, so the man himself is out of range. Shuriken and bullets alike are bouncing from the lower or upper segments of his stilts.

Then Stilt-Man steps on Fat Chance.

But let us say her life is saved by Safespace, who has enfolded her instinctively in a pink force field, which can protect others but not himself. So Stilt-Man steps on Safespace instead, with a hydraulic ram able to smash through a brick wall. Now, the information says Safespace can protect others, so if he casts his pink bubble of protection around the beached-whale bulk of the team leader, he can hide in her voluminous and extensive shadow, safe from attacks issue from that quarter to that half of the horizon. But, alas, Stilt-Man is the one villain able to step over the massive flesh blob of the leader, and approach the unprotected Safespace from above.

Our stereotypical jock with his girlish hips and Bambi eyelashes is not noted for having the super senses and reflexes of Daredevil, nor the spidersense of Spider-Man, and so he gets pounded into the pavement like a tentpeg and will spend the next fifteen issues in a full body cast, while every bone in his body except his left ulna are mending.

With Safespace out of the way, the force-field goes away, and Stilt-Man punts the fat girl and the non-binary ninja wannabe across Times Square with one sweep of his stilt-legs that can overturn a truck.

Ah, but the kid who is not Morbius joins the fray!

His superhuman strength is … wait for it … exactly the same as Stilt-Man’s in his armor. And his speed when he glides is … wait for it … exactly the same as Stilt-Man’s with his legs extended. But Stilt-Man is armored and B Negative is not. So Stilt-Man simply clocks him from fifty yards away with his telescoping fist which is strong enough to shatter brick walls.

If that does not work, Stilt-Man shoots him with knock out gas, and the teen bloodsucker with bad attitude plummets to the ground thirty stories, also crushed into jelly and with all his bones broken. But he can regenerate from wounds, so he will eventually get better.

He will rise again, and give chase. But, as was before said, since Stilt-Man travels at the same speed on his Stilts as the glider wings of Morbius (and presumably, Morbius lite here), Stilt-Man carrying the loot from the robbed helicopter stilts away on his long legs.

Meanwhile, Screentime is watching nonbinary incest porn on the internet. Stilt-Man does not bother to step on him, because how would he even know Screentime is on the superhero team?

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Blogger Rowan March 25, 2020 6:39 AM  

Thank you. That was a nice way to start the day!

I do not see where marvel is headed with this. I interact daily with teenagers and middle schoolers. This Marvel stunt won’t impress them.

The backlash is real, I promise you. Kids these days...are yearning for tradition and masculinity and normalcy. If someone doesn’t give it to them, they will make it for themselves. I have cause for hope, and a lot of faith, in Christ and in Gen Z

Blogger basementhomebrewer March 25, 2020 6:41 AM  

Wright does a great job panning Marvel's latest abomination. I think a series on screen time would actually be somewhat interesting. Not to make a serious comic, but to make a series about how screentime keeps becoming more of a useless corporate shill as the years go on and the internet itself gets scrubbed of useful information in favor of corporate ads and woke narrative.

Blogger Emmanuel March 25, 2020 7:01 AM  

From this to lugenpresse, there is a common pattern. This pattern is publishing run not for profit but for political influence. No way this comic is gonna be a moneymaker (especially once you ocnisder brand damage).

Companies operating at a loss should be forced into bankruptcy and/or reclassified as political parties.

Blogger Jeremy Daw March 25, 2020 7:05 AM  

That was profoundly... satisfying.

In prioritising representation over aspiration, the current crop of comic creators seek to deny two important truths: super-powers are not intrinsically interesting, particularly in fictional worlds where they are relatively common, and the same is true of whatever identitarian fad is in vogue at the time of publishing; one cannot be both a fat slob *and* a hero. Disappointing, I know, but there we are.

Blogger Jim March 25, 2020 7:05 AM  

If Screentime were real, you wouldn't dare write such a thing and risk his twitter thread!

Blogger Dole March 25, 2020 7:33 AM  

Alt-Hero would decimate the soy that these superlosers have been having.

Blogger Skyler the Weird March 25, 2020 7:34 AM  

I don't believe the team will go after C list villains like stiltman, they'll go after Fox news hosts and dox anonymous populist internet trolls.

Maybe J Jonah Jameson will be the arch villain.

Blogger RandyB March 25, 2020 8:12 AM  

As usual, Mr. Wright nails it.

Blogger Brick Hardslab March 25, 2020 8:15 AM  

Now that diamond went tu that leaves independents who do not depend upon them to deliver comic goodness. Strange how it works

Blogger Beardy Bear March 25, 2020 8:30 AM  

This is the funniest thing on this blog in some time. Hilarious!

Blogger Silly but True March 25, 2020 8:32 AM  

So much more entertaining than their last New Warriors event: Speedball gets blown up by a human bomb and becomes a sado-masochist in an S&M suit.

Blogger Cataline Sergius March 25, 2020 8:49 AM  

Well done John! That was hilarious.

It is nothing short of tragic that this was Marvel's swan song.

And I am serious about the swan song part. I strongly suspect both DC and Marvel Comics are going to be shuttered over Corona.

The major problem is that the two biggest comic publishers have corporate parents that are taking this one in the teeth.

Warner Brothers is going to be trimmed by AT&T. Right now there is no real indication if that means that DC will have to halt publication or not.

But Marvel is owned by Disney and Disney is in the deepest of s**t. Corona hit them when they were absolutely cash strapped. They are having to offer debt just to pay interest on their loans. Disney stock has cratered and they have begun selling off smaller subsidiaries.

I strongly suspect that the only reason that Marvel Comics is still in business is that Bob Chapek doesn’t know that his company owns it yet.

And I wrote that before Diamond announced they weren't taking any more shipments. Since Diamond holds the monopoly on traditional comics distribution, I can't see a way forward for DC and Marvel. Not if they comic shops go under and a lot of them already have.

Blogger Tlotsi March 25, 2020 8:52 AM  

>Alt-Hero would decimate the soy that these superlosers have been having.

For that to happen, Alt-Hero would have to actually show up. Say what you like about Marvel and DC, but they do actually manage to release a product on a monthly basis. You can't win if you don't show up.

Blogger Stilicho March 25, 2020 9:06 AM  

Speaking of SJW freaks, instapundit linked this article which show's VD's position on free speech is correct:

These two yenta (((judges))) need to be removed from the bench and told to go "build their own" legal system. Anglo-Saxon jurisprudence is not for them. They have to go back. Let Shimson deal with them.

Blogger Cataline Sergius March 25, 2020 9:18 AM  

The unimaginative laziness of Daniel Kibblesmith (and he looks exactly like you think a Daniel Kibblesmith would look like) is what kills me. This guy got hired and was going to get paid pretty decently for this garbage.

The interview with him was side-splitting, "I remember looking at the New Warrior comic books in the Nineties and I recallfeeling intimidated by them." You heard that right. This is a guy who is literally intimidated by a comic book. What a man!

Snowflake can create and throw shurikens, nobody has ever thrown shurikens before, right? That's new isnt' it?

A goth kid who is a real vampire. Amazing right? This edge-lord's battle cry will be, "IT'S NOT A PHASE MOM!"

The fat chick is a straight up rip-off of Dora the Explorer. And Kibblesmith is genuinely shocked that anyone was able to see through his blatant plagiarism.

But Screentime clearly took the least amount of imagination to create. They photoshopped Ben-Ten's artwork and gave him the power of "Let me google that for you." He got that by huffing his grandpa's "internet-gas." Peter Parker just tweeted that he doesn't want to hear s**t about his radioactive spider ever again.

This is so bad even the SJWs hate it.

Blogger Ron Winkleheimer March 25, 2020 9:22 AM  

hat tip to ace of spades

Blogger Mast Abeam March 25, 2020 9:52 AM  

Hi Vox,
My daughter has grown up reading and watching manga and anime at the speed of screaming Japanese. Now at 14 she sees herself as a future illustrator/writer and spends her “free” time creating characters in this tradition.
Peering into her notebook and now computer drawing program, she’s created an “apocalypto” with the code name “Tundra” who is a weapons specialist. His real name is Ivan Donscoff, a Siberian ex-spetnaz who has learned how to use “Snowfire.” He wears a bear hat, a brown wool uniform and high laced boots. In the character reference sheet, he typically is holding long iron pipe with bloodied ends.
I’m sure this has nothing to do with the (tall, handsome, and charismatic) boy in her class that she has befriended who is a Russian fanatic. (South Florida schools are so diverse.)

Blogger SigSyndicate March 25, 2020 10:12 AM  

I nearly couldn't believe what I was seeing with Screentime's description.
"After coming into contact with his grandfather's experimental internet gas"

Oh, that explains everything. Can't wait for Marvel's next hero, Numbers-man, who got injected with a numbers serum that gave him the power of a TI-84 with low batteries.

Blogger Oswald March 25, 2020 10:23 AM  

Maybe Disney will have to sell off some of its assets, like Marvel and Star Wars, and thus Marvel and Star Wars might be saved by their New Owners.

I find it interesting the way they are promote being fat through one of their characters. I don't know many people who want to be fat. (I mean I have known some guys that like fat women, but they didn't want to be fat themselves.) To be consistent, shouldn't they be promoting skinny people that used science to make them that way? They support people using science to make them into the opposite sex. Surely, the fat super hero wants to be a skinny super hero or a muscular one?

No wait they are consistent, they want to promote whatever gives people the least amount of self esteem.

Blogger RobertDWood March 25, 2020 10:45 AM  

Fear the scalpel pen of Mr. Wright. His review of the second Hobbit movie, the failures of the Disney Star Wars, and this carving to pieces of Fat Chance are worth more then all of those propaganda efforts combined.

Blogger TiredPoorHungry March 25, 2020 10:47 AM  

We (me and my identical twin) bought our 15 cent comics a week after we learned to read at 5 years old. All I remember is "The Shrike strikes at Night"!

Blogger Barbarossa March 25, 2020 10:50 AM  

Can't wait for the movie version of this!

Blogger Jack Amok March 25, 2020 11:42 AM  

Not to worry, the Chief of Police has announced that - if anyone ever manages to capture Stiltman - he will be charged with a hate crime.

Maybe Disney will have to sell off some of its assets, like Marvel and Star Wars, and thus Marvel and Star Wars might be saved by their New Owners.

Personally, I'd rather they sold off the parks. I expect Vox is years away from breaking ground on his first theme park.

Blogger sammibandit March 25, 2020 12:11 PM  

Re: Daniel Kibblesmith, idk why but I get huffed about people wearing double-breasted, wool coats with too many accessories or sloppy layering underneath. That lack of attention to grooming when trying to look ~distinguished~ speaks to a superficial, disorganized mind. Then again, maybe he's a Pacific Northwest lesbian.

Even the way he doesn't tie his scarf pisses me off. He can't even finish the look. I don't even know what kind of knot he was trying for with his neck tie. I just hate his face so much. Then the cross-body strap on his purse interrupts the eye when paired with the double-breasted coat and the zipper showing on his fleece. THAT'S MY PURSE, DON'T STEAL MY PURSE. He looks like not just a Pacifc Northwest lesbian but also a bag lady.

One thing I learned about ~style is that if you wear the double-breasted, wool coat you don't put crap all over or all under it to disrupt the eye. It's supposed to convey confidence, a wide chest with big lungs encasing a big heart. It's not supposed to look poufterish. It's supposed to look like someone has command of their inner state and guards their heart. God, I want to strike him down on aesthetic grounds alone.

The interview with him was side-splitting, "I remember looking at the New Warrior comic books in the Nineties and I recallfeeling intimidated by them." You heard that right. This is a guy who is literally intimidated by a comic book. What a man!

Never mind.

Blogger Azimus March 25, 2020 12:14 PM  

Braided hair on a woman of color? How gauche.

Blogger Azimus March 25, 2020 12:16 PM  

Honestly I kind of dig the yellow fanny pack - cocked to the side like a gangsta!

Blogger Section 8A March 25, 2020 12:41 PM  

Good to see Willy Loman getting some shine. The old man would make a great Uber driver - knows the city, and can chat up cool clients while talking about how great the Moon Landing was in '69.....

Blogger Canadian Warlord March 25, 2020 2:19 PM  

Wasn't this kind of superhero in the 1990s cartoon (and probably comic) "The Tick"? There was a group of useless heroes called "The civic-minded five." Carpet static man and four others. Now they're being published with a straight face! Love it.

Blogger Macs March 25, 2020 4:54 PM  

This would actually make a good comic: just a long string of villains winning with months between issues for the "heroes" to recover.

Blogger Randomatos March 25, 2020 8:14 PM  

Marvel should just go ahead and make this the plot of their next $300,000,000 budget movie. Imagine a big budget practical effects closeup of the telescoping stilts kicking the lard out of Fat Chance. The memes alone would almost make up for having to endure the character intros.

Blogger James March 26, 2020 1:08 AM  

Stilt Mans battle suit drawing looks very similiar to old NASA diagrams of their lunar landing equipment. Mechanical drawings with commentary about each component was all it took to fool the world. Suckers.

Blogger Grooveware March 26, 2020 3:54 PM  

Diversity & inclusion at it's very best wrong people with no talent with there ideological views destroying Sjw companies keep them coming.

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