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Wednesday, May 20, 2020

The Matrix Reconverged

The former Wachowski brothers are reconsidering their storytelling.
In conjunction with Warner Bros. Studios, the Wachowskis have released a new cut of The Matrix where Neo just takes the blue pill.

The revised cut will be approximately 30 minutes long, as Neo will take the blue pill and then just go about his pretend life blissfully unaware of humanity's enslavement in the real world. Credits will roll as Neo wakes back up in his computer-generated existence and lives happily ever after.

"The red pill has been co-opted by the alt-right, and we just needed to set the record straight," said Lilly Wachowski. "Now Neo will no longer take the problematic red pill and will instead support the status quo and not cause any problems. It's much safer this way. Just think about how much happier Neo will be."
I feel so much safer already. In other Wachowski news, Speed Racer will no longer speed, but will abide by the posted speed limits at all time. And he will wear a seat belt and drive a hybrid.

Also, the former Lana Wachowski now identifies as a prong-horned antelope.

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70 Comments:

Blogger Ingemar May 20, 2020 6:43 PM  

I marvel at how the Christianized, sanitized version of The Onion is so much better than the original. Maybe Grace really does perfect nature.

Blogger Canadian Warlord May 20, 2020 6:44 PM  

Antelope are important too! Have to keep drivers on their toes in Saskatchewan somehow, place is too flat.

A good painting would be a dead horse named "Satire" being beaten by blue-haired lesbians with sticks. Maybe not subtle enough...

Blogger Wayne May 20, 2020 6:45 PM  

That which you have created cannot be easily undone. Iconic pop cultural memes have a life of their own. The red pill is here to stay.

Blogger Daniel May 20, 2020 6:54 PM  

But...that will render the other Matrix movies incoherent and pointless!

Blogger Pseudotsuga May 20, 2020 6:58 PM  

Here he comes, here comes Woke Racer, he's saving the Earth with his wheels!

Blogger Gettimothy May 20, 2020 7:03 PM  

They hate Christendom. Eff-em in Jesus Name, amen.

Blogger Bogey May 20, 2020 7:12 PM  

If Keanu Reeves is looking to burn through all of his goodwill towards fans, working for these two weirdos who hate us should do it.

Blogger Diogenes May 20, 2020 7:20 PM  

Took me a second to realize this was a Babylon Bee link. No wonder satire is so difficult these days.

Blogger furor kek tonicus ( according to the 13th Amendment, Slavery is neither Cruel nor Unusual: MSAGA ) May 20, 2020 7:41 PM  

in other SJW scifi Star Trek news, StarTrek.com is openly proclaiming that the narrative goal of ST:P was to humiliate Picard ... for the crime of being a privileged white man.

https://web.archive.org/web/20200520232929/https://www.startrek.com/news/the-humbling-of-admiral-picard

"While TNG positioned Captain Picard as an ally to marginalized groups, from Klingons to androids, Picard challenges him to check the privilege he’s enjoyed through various series as an able-bodied male Earthling of elevated Starfleet rank. Here are six times Picard called Picard out during Season 1."

this doesn't bode well for Scalzi.

after all, isn't that almost an exact description of the way Scalzi has presented himself to the public? as an "ally" of "marginalized" groups?

and if being a millionaire White male without physical disability is not "privilege" ... what would be?

Doomcock's take on it:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ewkqYBckPkk


of course, this is also the exact thing that was done to Luke in 'The Last Jedi'. it's just that Roundhead Johnson was too much of a pussy to admit to it in public.

so much for the multicultural society.

also, Ruby Rose has quit / been fired from Batwoman. the CW producers have vowed to hire another 'woman' from the LGBTQ community to replace her
...
Bruce Jenner is going to be the new Batwoman?

Blogger VD Bear May 20, 2020 7:42 PM  

It's much safer this way. Just think about how much happier Neo will be."

It’s hard to believe this is an actual quote. “Safe” and “happy” servitude to alien overlords is their serious sales pitch???

Blogger VD Bear May 20, 2020 7:43 PM  

Man, busted not clicking the link. Thanks Bee.

Blogger Doktor Jeep May 20, 2020 7:53 PM  

People say the Whackowskis were turned into trannies as revenge for making The Matrix.
IMO it was revenge for the sequels.

Blogger Damelon Brinn May 20, 2020 7:59 PM  

the narrative goal of ST:P was to humiliate Picard ... for the crime of being a privileged white man.

I told people that would be the case before the show ever aired, but they insisted Stewart (a producer as well as lead actor) would steer it in the right direction. But Stewart's an SJW, so he was all-in on setting the character up to be cursed at by women because something something Brexit.

Blogger Fargoth May 20, 2020 8:06 PM  

got me

Blogger James Dixon May 20, 2020 8:20 PM  

> Man, busted not clicking the link. Thanks Bee.

Their problem is that satire too often mirrors reality a few days or at most weeks later.

Blogger Matthew May 20, 2020 8:23 PM  

The Bee is truly a gem in the internet wasteland.

Blogger Ska_Boss May 20, 2020 8:24 PM  

The term 'alt-right' means anyone not on the left that isn't a RINO cuckservative.

Blogger gwood May 20, 2020 8:25 PM  

Don't worry about it, VD Bear. We live in a post-satire world.

Blogger LordSomber May 20, 2020 8:29 PM  

Does this mean in the Blue Pill Universe, Morpheus is still a "terrorist"?

Blogger Balkan Yankee May 20, 2020 8:30 PM  

The Bee is the best.

Blogger Zeroh Tollrants May 20, 2020 8:53 PM  

Not sure how a business owned by Jews, became "Christianized."
Lil Benji Warmongers is 5he one who unshelled his shekels to get it up and running and Jews write for the dang site.
There's NOTHING Christian about anything Shapiru has his hands in.

Blogger Nathan Hornok May 20, 2020 9:04 PM  

Babylone Bee is crushing hard these days

Blogger bramley May 20, 2020 9:14 PM  

Neo for Biden 2020

Blogger Bobiojimbo May 20, 2020 9:20 PM  

Ha!

"Also, the former Lana Wachowski now identifies as a prong-horned antelope." Hmm... Prong horn season is this Fall here in my state... Too bad I missed the registration.

Blogger michimartini May 20, 2020 9:23 PM  

The Matrix was so damaging to the prometheans that they forced the brothers to chop their dicks off. Kind of hard to do satire to contrast with clownworldlery of that caliber. But still the bee pulled it off.

Blogger eclecticmn May 20, 2020 9:30 PM  

The Wachowski bro or bros recently tweeted f*** you both in response to a tweet by Ivanka Trump that she had taken the red pill in response to some other post.

Blogger LR27 May 20, 2020 9:33 PM  

Of course they’re going to go full prong horned antelope supremacist now and all the other disadvantaged horned creatures will be all the more marginalized.

Blogger Felix Bellator May 20, 2020 9:44 PM  

4. Daniel - I see what you did there.

Blogger Dan in Georgia May 20, 2020 9:47 PM  

You really don’t need to exaggerate that much when it comes to satirizing SJWs. A lot of Rush Limbaugh’s parodies of leftism have already come true.

The best Babylon Bee piece ever was about Joel Osteen being horrified to discover the existence of crucifixion.

Blogger urthshu May 20, 2020 9:53 PM  

See, I know it's stupid but I would def have taken the blue pill. Not because I don't want to know the truth but because I wouldn't want to hang out with creepy Larry.

Blogger sammibandit May 20, 2020 10:04 PM  

Baron Von Von der Von and Yvonne Von Von der Von are devestated. Spritle and Chim-Chim ran away.

Re:ST:P I very much doubt Klingons view themselves as marginalized.

Blogger Jon D. May 20, 2020 10:06 PM  

Haven't had this good of a laugh in awhile. Thank you.

Blogger doctrev May 20, 2020 10:18 PM  

True, it guts the central premise of the most influential films of the past few decades. Otoh, the sequels would be non-canon.

Take the no-score win, guys.

Blogger Azure Amaranthine May 20, 2020 10:23 PM  

"If Keanu Reeves is looking to burn through all of his goodwill towards fans, working for these two weirdos who hate us should do it."

It's satire. Everything I know about Keanu says that he's a very decent dude. Maybe not the best actor ever outside of stoic roles, but a very decent dude.

Blogger Sean May 20, 2020 10:48 PM  

I would pay money to watch this and then burst out laughing in the cinema!

Blogger Desdichado May 20, 2020 11:02 PM  

"Not sure how a business owned by Jews, became "Christianized."
Lil Benji Warmongers is 5he one who unshelled his shekels to get it up and running and Jews write for the dang site.
There's NOTHING Christian about anything Shapiru has his hands in."

No, that's wrong. Adam Ford is the founder, Kyle Mann is the primary writer and editor of contest and Seth Dillon is the current owner. All three are Christian.

Blogger Doktor Jeep May 20, 2020 11:14 PM  

BTW the real reason why the Whackowskis are troons now is actually quite dark and serves as a warning for others.
Remember, globohomo gets very uptight about gay conversion therapy claiming it's abuse and not real and such because they know they can convert people the other way. Protesting doth.

Blogger tublecane May 20, 2020 11:40 PM  

@9- Isn't it illegal to hire on the basis of Alphabet Soup status? Not that Hollywood is afraid to "discriminate," but need they announce their criminal intent?

Placating the homo audience (or lackthereof) is of course paramount. However, I vaguely recall those people didn't like Ruby Rose anyway. On account of the fact that she sleeps with men inbetween ladies.

Blogger Damelon Brinn May 20, 2020 11:53 PM  

Yeah, if there are ten decent men in Hollywood, Keanu appears to be one of them.

Blogger Bibliotheca Servare May 21, 2020 12:15 AM  

@Azure Amaranthine

Yeah, very decent dude is my understanding as well. Unfortunately in this case, that also means loyal. So if/when the Wachowskis *actually* decide to do something this stupid, odds are his loyalty would compel him to participate.

Blogger Martin Marprelate May 21, 2020 12:35 AM  

Shapiro doesn’t run Babylonbee dude.

Blogger OvergrownHobbit May 21, 2020 12:46 AM  

@36 Adam4D's webcomics deserve a wider audience: https://adam4d.com

Blogger IreneAthena May 21, 2020 2:07 AM  

Master Cylinder: "muhahahahahahah Speed Eraser."

Blogger IreneAthena May 21, 2020 2:12 AM  

(...uh...because Speed Racer was actually inside the Matrix of "Felix the Cat")

Blogger Shane Bradman May 21, 2020 2:43 AM  

The Wachowski Brothers should have renamed themselves the Wachowski Attention Whores after they cut their dicks off.

Blogger MaskettaMan May 21, 2020 3:19 AM  

You can make Neo take the blue pill in PS2's The Matrix: Path of Neo. It's great.

Blogger John Rockwell May 21, 2020 3:23 AM  

I for one would like to see them try to poz all inmates in prison.

I will be very surprised if they are able to converge all criminal inmates. And make them like the Wachowski's

Blogger BalancedTryteOperators May 21, 2020 3:25 AM  

A reminder that, occasionally, when an unbeliever is too virtuous and too knowing of the truth, Satan persecutes them too.

I think something similar has happened to the Wachowski Brothers, leading to their gender dysphoria. They were getting too close to the truth so Satan targeted them.

Blogger xsdenied May 21, 2020 3:29 AM  

I assumed it was true when I read this because Vox posted it, they recently actually said FU to both Melania and Elon Musk when the latter tweeted about taking the red pill and because it lies completeley within expectation coming from Hollywood characters. It's funny how the brain works.

Blogger God Emperor Memes May 21, 2020 3:31 AM  

Yes, he is widely considered to be a genuinely nice guy.
It's a shame about those Barry Diller rumours.

Blogger Harambe May 21, 2020 3:37 AM  

Desdichado wrote:"Not sure how a business owned by Jews, became "Christianized."

Lil Benji Warmongers is 5he one who unshelled his shekels to get it up and running and Jews write for the dang site.

There's NOTHING Christian about anything Shapiru has his hands in."


A jew behind every bush!

Blogger Harambe May 21, 2020 3:42 AM  

To be honest, this would've actually been a cool addition to the Matrix universe. Yes, I know it's a joke, but as a huge Matrix nerd, I would have liked to see it play out. Not in this way of course, in the 2000's way the Wachowski BROTHERS would have done it.

Blogger Storm Rhode May 21, 2020 5:18 AM  

The world is too messed up for satire to work well these days. I was looking forward to the fan backlash. It would have been great to see Neo adding a splash of soy to his coffee as he goes about his blue pilled day.

Blogger Azure Amaranthine May 21, 2020 5:41 AM  

"So if/when the Wachowskis *actually* decide to do something this stupid, odds are his loyalty would compel him to participate."

I'd participate, just for the black knighting.

Blogger Daniele Grech Pereira May 21, 2020 6:10 AM  

I thought she was identifying with an Okapi these days. My bad.

Blogger Avalanche May 21, 2020 7:24 AM  

@3 "That which you have created cannot be easily undone."

Just ask Matt Furie: He tried to kill Pepe rather than let him speak meme-truth! Hmmmm, would that be considered murder, euthanasia or post-birth abortion?

Blogger Mr.MantraMan May 21, 2020 8:21 AM  

If the Right was not full of spergs that think every thought brings them one step closer to the eternal truth of this or that they could actually have fun with ClownWorld and drive "our betters" into a drooling howl at the moon madness, and for profit. IMO the Puppies delivered high comedy, not some version of achieving angelic perfection upon Earth or something like that.

I took the Blue Pill, now I know that Scalzi is the best scifi author evah.

Blogger The Cooler May 21, 2020 8:38 AM  

Keanu Reeves trivia: When taking pictures with female fans, he makes sure the palms of his hands can be seen. True story.

There is no spoon, but there are, in fact, crazy bitches. Neo knows.

Blogger BD May 21, 2020 8:47 AM  

A cool experiment would be to actually give everyone at the cinema two buttons, and the majority vote would choose how the film develops.

Blogger KPKinSunnyPhiladelphia May 21, 2020 8:51 AM  

Diogenes wrote:Took me a second to realize this was a Babylon Bee link. No wonder satire is so difficult these days.

It's satire, but is it?

Like our esteemed blog proprietor, Glenn Reynolds is much more often right than not.

The Babylon Bee IS America's "Newspaper of Record."

Blogger Harambe May 21, 2020 9:56 AM  

It's easy to recognise satire though. Let's be honest: we all just think we're secret kings and everyone else is just too stupid to recognise satire, let alone produce it.

Blogger Silly but True May 21, 2020 11:09 AM  

With his internet persona known for being hands off to women, Reeves is in a great spot to troll trannies. Either he can make a point to manly shoulder grab or something similar all of the men he encounters, including the Wachowskis, or he can make a point to caricature his normal hands off women behavior by exaggerating his hands off men who try to look like women.

Blogger LAZ May 21, 2020 11:27 AM  

It doesn't matter whether Keanu is a good guy or not, he represents the evil ones and has promoted their agenda many times. Remember that sex scene with River Phoenix in My Own Private Idaho?

Blogger Section 8A May 21, 2020 11:42 AM  

Today I identify as a wingless, orange scaled dragonkin, and if you aren't sufficiently enthusiastic about my identity you're a racist.

Blogger Watcher of the skies May 21, 2020 12:56 PM  

not The Babylon Bee? LMAO

Blogger Canadian Warlord May 21, 2020 5:03 PM  

BD;
"A cool experiment would be to actually give everyone at the cinema two buttons, and the majority vote would choose how the film develops."

I call that the "Snakes on a Plane Threshold," reached and breached. Online opinion examination has finally given marketing departments, exact instructions. We are witnessing media made to the exact specifications of the sprawling masses, after a time of being filtered through the visions of single individuals. Committee thinking on some macro, extreme average dullness scale that is entirely new.

I confess to bring duped by this article, did not peruse the site. But then I was also fooled by Channing Tatum's amazon prime tv show pilot episode, until the american embassy scene anyway. My filter's busted - too much input.

Blogger John Bradley May 21, 2020 6:28 PM  

Their problem is that satire too often mirrors reality a few days or at most weeks later.

It was what, a week ago?, when they put up that "everyone required to run around in Giant Hamster Balls for the social distancing" piece. And not two days later, there's a piece reported in the 'real' news about some bar in Maryland having people wearing giant 'bumper tables' -- basically 6' inner tubes with a wooden top and a hole in the middle for the patron.

Satire is dead.

Blogger SirHamster May 21, 2020 7:30 PM  

Desdichado wrote:No, that's wrong. Adam Ford is the founder, Kyle Mann is the primary writer and editor of contest and Seth Dillon is the current owner. All three are Christian.
You can also tell from some of the spot-on jokes making fun of Christian peculiarities.

A favorite:

"ELKINS, WV—In an attempt to remain consistent with a synergistic theology, an Arminian-owned bridge contractor has constructed a bridge only spanning half of a river, sources confirmed."

"A competing Calvinist contractor also opened a bridge downstream: one that crosses the entire river, but isn’t open to the public."

Blogger John Regan May 22, 2020 9:46 AM  

Meanwhile, cucks gonna cuck

Blogger Beardy Bear May 22, 2020 10:38 AM  

Read the whole thing before realizing it was Babylon Bee. Same feeling as being rick-rolled. Too funny.

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