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Friday, October 04, 2013

Fight cancer, feel up a stranger

As the NFL ceaselessly works to remind us, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  So, in the spirit of the month, I'd like to encourage everyone, male or female, to fight breast cancer the next time you are in line at the supermarket or the mall behind a woman.

Just reach out with both hands and give the woman in front of you a thorough breast exam. You never know, you just might save a life! And while she might seem a little surprised at first, show her your pink ribbon and warn her about the dangers of that terrible, terrible disease. It's all about awareness, after all.

She'll probably be grateful. And even if she isn't, you'll have the satisfaction of knowing you did the right thing and raised her awareness. It is science.

"Women who like to have their breasts squeezed will now possibly gain a health benefit, according to new research released last week. According to researchers from the University of California at Berkeley and the Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory, putting mechanical force on malignant breast cells can reverse their irregular growth process and put them back on track for a normal growth pattern."

77 Comments:

Anonymous Daniel October 04, 2013 4:02 PM  

Breasts can have cancer? I was not aware.

Blogger redlegben October 04, 2013 4:02 PM  

I don't remember where I saw it, but breast massage is supposed to reduce cancer risk according to some study. It's the perfect defense.

Blogger Krul October 04, 2013 4:03 PM  

*Rolls up sleeves*

Alright ladies, line up and reach for the sky.

Anonymous Noah B. October 04, 2013 4:10 PM  

If it saves just one life, isn't it worth it?

Anonymous MrGreenMan October 04, 2013 4:10 PM  

Wait, it's not just Breast Awareness Month? "Save the Ta-Tas" didn't mention cancer...

I asked my female colleagues today if they were aware that they had breasts, and if they were ensuring they didn't escape...my mistake.

Blogger El Borak October 04, 2013 4:10 PM  

Somehow I just know that TSA patdowns are going to get counted as preventive medicine.

Anonymous ENthePeasant October 04, 2013 4:11 PM  

I "feel" a "MISSION" coming on. In his name... I will roam the earth trying striving to rid woman kind of this plague.

Blogger redlegben October 04, 2013 4:13 PM  

Found it

Anonymous buzzcut October 04, 2013 4:14 PM  

"It's the most wonderful time of the year!"

Anonymous Lysander Spooner October 04, 2013 4:15 PM  

Federal spending for breast cancer: $808 million

Federal spending for prostate cancer: $259 million

Both cancers are responsible for about 100,000 deaths per year.

Yes, there certainly is a 'War Against Teh Wimmins', somewhere, but the math is hard.



http://report.nih.gov/categorical_spending.aspx

Blogger Krul October 04, 2013 4:17 PM  

MrGreenMan, if your coworkers need help I can keep an eye on their breasts for them, for a very reasonable price. I'll even hold on to them at no extra charge.

Anonymous Anonymous October 04, 2013 4:20 PM  

Done and done.

CSHIZZLE

Anonymous MPC October 04, 2013 4:20 PM  

Make sure to play this sound effect while you work:

Honk honk!

Anonymous Huckleberry - est. 1977 October 04, 2013 4:25 PM  

I miss black-and-white television...

Blogger swiftfoxmark2 October 04, 2013 4:26 PM  

I was going to run around chopping off the breasts of random women with my machete (bought in Uganda), but your idea is probably better.

Anonymous Anonagain October 04, 2013 4:26 PM  

You guys' concern is really touching... I suppose that if you're not close enough to give a hands-on examination, the next best thing is to stare, ogling every millimeter of the breasts for any sign of lumps or irregularities.

All this time... how could I have been so wrong about you dear men and boys - you were only just trying to SAVE THE BREASTS.

Blogger John Williams October 04, 2013 4:26 PM  

You'll are creating a bubble by over-investing in fighting breast cancer. I'm going to fight the bubble and do my part to prevent cervical cancer. It's for the women.

Blogger Revelation Means Hope October 04, 2013 4:29 PM  

When can we have female buttocks awareness month?

Although where I work right now, that would be a bad thing...

Anonymous Best Family Guy quote October 04, 2013 4:33 PM  

Brian: So how did you two meet?

Jillian: Quagmire showed up at my door and said he was the Federal Boob Inspector! And I was going to tell him to go away, but he had a warrant!

Quagmire: It was a Snickers wrapper, Brian. I held up a Snickers wrapper.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anonymous Will Best October 04, 2013 4:39 PM  

Both cancers are responsible for about 100,000 deaths per year.

Yes, there certainly is a 'War Against Teh Wimmins', somewhere, but the math is hard.


Yes but look at all the money we spend on HIV which is predominately (80%ish) a male problem. Nevermind what type of a male problem it is. Its money that isn't going to help women.

Anonymous Giraffe October 04, 2013 4:42 PM  

Federal spending for breast cancer: $808 million

Federal spending for prostate cancer: $259 million

Both cancers are responsible for about 100,000 deaths per year.


Dude, shut up! Now Tad's going to want to give free prostate exams.

Anonymous Huckleberry - est. 1977 October 04, 2013 4:44 PM  

Tad's going to want to give free prostate exams

He plays golf.
It all makes sense.

Anonymous Daniel October 04, 2013 4:45 PM  

In these difficult times, it might be economical for women to set up kiosks at NFL games where visitors pay to vigorously palpate. They'll be raising awareness, preventing cancer, and making a little health care-related income on the side.

Christie Brinkley is 60 years old, so does she offer a senior discount?

All my rowdy friends - oh wait, they fired Hank.

All my timid friends are going to be aware tonight - er, this month.

Blogger tz October 04, 2013 4:52 PM  

What if she doesn't have white meat chicken or turkey in her cart?

Well, liberals are about "feeling".

Meanwhile, the support planned parenthood ribbons and walks are going on.

Pro-test-station. On Castro street in SF.

Anonymous Krul October 04, 2013 5:02 PM  

Anonagain - You guys' concern is really touching...

So to speak.

Anonymous Anonagain October 04, 2013 5:16 PM  

If you're specifically directing the response to me, Krul, you can save yourself the trouble of the HTML. You've joined Markku on the "Do not click" list. Nothing personal. :)

Anonymous Daniel October 04, 2013 5:17 PM  

Well it's October month
Awareness has begun
I turn on my TV
For some cancer fun
I see a malignancy here on ABC/Disney
The biggest tumor growth is their specialty
I gotta get ready, make everything right
Cause October Breast Awareness is coming on tonight

Are you ready
Are you ready
Are you ready, ready
Are you ready for some cancer?

A pink ribbon party
Hey, this is "Rocking" Randall Hank
Ready to get the good time started
We got the pink on the feet
And we softened the hits
All my lady friends are back with cancer on their...minds.

Now everyone watches this prime time show
New York, Nashville, San Francisco
We love the propaganda as the game begins
Pretty cheerleaders - no wait - coaches with pins
The screaming crowd and the chemotherapy
Scrambling quarterbacks pitching philanthropy
Big hits are outlawed, the receivers defenseless
Everybody turns it up, cause cancer is senseless!

Everybody's a fan, especially the minx
This is the biggest party, I really do think
We got no Pat or John to treat her
But it's still great theater
Try to tell a guard from a cheerleader
with their behinds both pink
The NFL is back, because cancer really stinks!

Anonymous Krul October 04, 2013 5:28 PM  

Anonagain - You've joined Markku on the "Do not click" list. Nothing personal. :)

*Shrugs* Your loss, Pattycakes. I just can't resist when you give me an opening like that. So to speak.

Anonymous Josh October 04, 2013 5:29 PM  

All this time... how could I have been so wrong about you dear men and boys - you were only just trying to SAVE THE BREASTS.

Duh.

Anonymous Krul October 04, 2013 5:51 PM  

For those of you who don't know what we're talking about, I give you...

BOOBIES!!!!

(Someone had to do it, just don't tell Anonagain. She might swoon.)

Anonymous WaterBoy October 04, 2013 5:57 PM  

Vox: "Just reach out with both hands and give the woman in front of you a thorough breast exam. You never know, you just might save a life!"

Don't forget teh menz! They get breast cancer, too!

Anonymous Vic October 04, 2013 6:22 PM  

I donno, this recommendation will earn you a red hand print on the ole cheek around these parts!

If not 38 caliber holes in your head.

Anonymous WaterBoy October 04, 2013 6:32 PM  

Well, I actually had in mind that the ladies would examine the men. But, whatever floats yer boat, man.

For the record, I'm with Psycho on this:

Any of you homos touch me...and I'll kill you.

Anonymous ENthePeasant October 04, 2013 6:46 PM  

"Yes but look at all the money we spend on HIV which is predominately (80%ish) a male problem. Nevermind what type of a male problem it is. Its money that isn't going to help women."

I'm willing to take every last dime of money devoted to HIV and give it to solving the women with Herpes research. An amazing number of middle aged women seem to be afflicted. By God, take all that money and solve this problem.

Anonymous Salt October 04, 2013 6:48 PM  

Oh, yeah! Right! Like anyone I know will head to Wal-Mart to squeeze the Charmin. Maybe I could con my way onto the field at a Denver Broncos game like I once did.

Pony Express. Not were talking.

Anonymous Huckleberry - est. 1977 October 04, 2013 6:49 PM  

An amazing number of middle aged women seem to be afflicted

It was a toilet seat! And sharing a can of Diet Coke with that slut in Accounts Receivable!

Anonymous zen0 October 04, 2013 6:53 PM  

Should not this blogsite do its part and bring back the big pink rabbit with the hungry hands and a " I WANT to feel your pain!" caption?

Only for October, however. One can only stand so much.

Anonymous Anonagain October 04, 2013 7:10 PM  

Speaking of that rabbitty specter (now an indelible etching in my mind, removable only by a severe case of Alzheimer's), it occurred to me after seeing pics of Scalzi in various poses of total pussiness, that Gamma Rabbit actually conveys a more masculine figure than the spineless mass of quivering cellulitic gamma flesh after whom it was created.

Anonymous David of One October 04, 2013 7:36 PM  

"... mechanical force on malignant breast cells can reverse their irregular growth process and put them back on track for a normal growth pattern."

Whoa! I absolutely didn't see that coming. Men, by design, are programmed to protect women, their health and their breast! Who knew? From birth and throughout our lives we are wired to keep breasts healthy! Wow.

Color me "Silly", but it just seems to me that whether a woman has a hard science based PhD. or doesn't know Avogadro's Law from her bra size ... I think any woman is very, very smart to be wary of this "scientific" assertion.

With a statement like that it is completely logical that sometime, very soon, that another "scientific" assertion would espouse the benefits of 'scientific insertions'.

Then again, if men really, really ... and I do mean really ... care about women and their wellbeing ...

Damn the Consequences! This is for the very survival of all human life on the planet! Grab'em!!!!!

Anonymous Susan October 04, 2013 7:53 PM  

This entire post and thread needs to go into your hall of fame when you establish one Vox.

Krul, you are da man. Only problem was drinking my glass of wine without choking or spewing over your comments.

Nice thing about being married is not having to wait for this month to have the 36H melons squeezed. Needless to say, I have had a very happy husband for 35 years.

Anonymous Krul October 04, 2013 8:13 PM  

Susan - Nice thing about being married is not having to wait for this month to have the 36H melons squeezed.

Pics or go home.

Anonymous ENthePeasant October 04, 2013 8:14 PM  

"It was a toilet seat! And sharing a can of Diet Coke with that slut in Accounts Receivable!"

They are wise enough not to use that as an excuse... However, the usual theme involves them reading the bible and suddenly contracting it from a man with whom they were in a long term monogamous relationship... As always, it wasn't there fault, toilet seats by any other name. Still, many of these women are still "doable". It would be a big help to the world, not just me, if we could solve their little problem. It's only fair, that we "Kill" two birds with one stone by taking HIV research away from men and giving it to Herpes research for women.

Anonymous Krul October 04, 2013 8:20 PM  

David of One - Color me "Silly", but it just seems to me that whether a woman has a hard science based PhD. or doesn't know Avogadro's Law from her bra size ... I think any woman is very, very smart to be wary of this "scientific" assertion.

With a statement like that it is completely logical that sometime, very soon, that another "scientific" assertion would espouse the benefits of 'scientific insertions'.


That reminds me, Semen Proven to Increase Life Expectancy.

The finding that women who ingest semen and do not use condoms during vaginal sex, live longer and have reduced signs of ageing, has led one researcher to conclude that semen is a miracle potion that should be treasured by every woman.

It. Is. SCIENCE.

Anonymous Other Josh October 04, 2013 8:26 PM  

Let the booby squeezin' begin!

Anonymous harry12 October 04, 2013 8:28 PM  

8:20pmThe finding that women who ingest semen and do not use condoms during vaginal sex, live longer and have reduced signs of ageing, has led one researcher to conclude that semen is a miracle potion that should be treasured by every woman.

Also, s'posed to be good for the complexion.

Anonymous The other skeptic October 04, 2013 9:07 PM  

And October is Day of the Gurrrrrl! Hear them roar!

Anonymous Putting Master October 04, 2013 9:41 PM  

He plays golf.
It all makes sense.


But Tad, its YOUR turn to take the ball out of the tin cup

Anonymous Outlaw X October 04, 2013 10:08 PM  

Here is proof I saw the PSA and here is the link.

The NFL saved my life I saw the PSA on TV Thursday night NFL and her testimony with a picture of her and her children.

Anonymous Outlaw X October 04, 2013 10:12 PM  

What a horrendous sham by the NFL. Am I the only one who saw this BS? Self serving BS pisses me off.

Anonymous zen0 October 04, 2013 10:29 PM  

What a horrendous sham by the NFL. Am I the only one who saw this BS? Self serving BS pisses me off.

Enough to join the October NFL boycott?

As far as I know, it is just me so far.

Anonymous Sigyn October 04, 2013 10:48 PM  

This is not news to me. He's been saying it's for my health.

Of course, it's led to some very...um...awkward complications.

Anonymous Outlaw X October 04, 2013 10:50 PM  

Zeno I already cancelled my NFL Sunday ticket. They are really stinking the pace up and pissing me off. But I will be watching the cowboys on Antenna to fuck with their ratings. I got both and they can't see me watching on the antenna. I won't be watching any football on satellite TV. So I got Sunday and Sunday night if I am interested, and no out of market Cowboys game this year left. No ESPN or NFL network for me.

But if this keeps up piss on them all.

Anonymous David of One October 04, 2013 10:55 PM  

Krul and et al.,

I'm beginning to wonder if men aren't giving up 10 or years of life force to women.

It's not the touching but the giving, leeching or absorbing of life force that benefit women from men.

These studies are unable to detect that life force is being given up from men to women.

Ever see the movie "Life Force"?

My comments are meant as levity ... or are they really?

Anonymous liljoe October 04, 2013 10:55 PM  

Best. VP post. Ever.

Anonymous Outlaw X October 04, 2013 10:57 PM  

Like Breast cancer is the only fricking cancer there is? Other people have had shit cut out and pink flags, pink shoes and pink first down lines ain't going to change it. And no body gives a crap about early detection or if the guy down the street dies. They just talk about it.

I am sick of it.

Blogger Markku October 04, 2013 11:26 PM  

Please note that it says "Women who like to have their breasts squeezed". This may lead to a different interpretation; these are obviously women who are in tune with the way God made them. So, their bodies are better at recognizing that which is against nature, and hence attack the cancer cells before they have the chance to multiply.

Anonymous Horny McGee October 04, 2013 11:54 PM  

The finding that women who ingest semen and do not use condoms during vaginal sex, live longer and have reduced signs of ageing, has led one researcher to conclude that semen is a miracle potion that should be treasured by every woman.

- I knew it! YES!!

Blogger LibertyPortraits October 05, 2013 12:59 AM  

lolfr (laugh out loud for real)

Blogger Galt-in-Da-Box October 05, 2013 1:18 AM  

I'd rather massage the craniums of all the lefTARD mealy-mouths & milktoasts trumping up the NFL Concussion hysteria...Preferably with a solid oak 2x4!

Blogger Galt-in-Da-Box October 05, 2013 1:23 AM  

I'd rather massage the craniums of all the lefTARD mealy-mouths & milktoasts trumping up the NFL Concussion hysteria...Preferably with a solid oak 2x4!

Anonymous Harsh October 05, 2013 2:06 AM  

Yes but look at all the money we spend on HIV which is predominately (80%ish) a male problem.

A gay male problem. Let's be accurate.

Anonymous Krul October 05, 2013 2:46 AM  

David of one - I'm beginning to wonder if men aren't giving up 10 or years of life force to women.

It's not the touching but the giving, leeching or absorbing of life force that benefit women from men.


I for one am willing to make that sacrifice. For the greater good!

Hey, it's a rough job but somebody's got to do it.

Anonymous Freddy October 05, 2013 4:14 AM  

Frickin pink NFL for 1 month.

Anonymous Curlytop October 05, 2013 10:52 AM  

Way ahead of you. My husband has been making the sacrifice for my health for over 14 yrs now since we prefer preventive health care over disease treatment. Seems to be working quite well. I'm happy. He's happy. Clean bill of health! It's science! :-)

Anonymous Johnny Football October 05, 2013 1:30 PM  

In the overall scheme of things, who fucking cares. True fans watch football because its football and the excitement it brings, not because of what the NFL promotes. Just another essentially nonsense thing to incessantly whine about.

Anonymous TheVillageIdiotRet October 05, 2013 2:20 PM  

BOOBIES!
you just have to love 'em,
no matter what you call ,em.
99 words for boobs

DannyR

Anonymous ENthePeasant October 05, 2013 4:22 PM  

"True fans watch football because its football and the excitement it brings, not because of what the NFL promotes."

Are you thinking that you can hurt my feelings by insisting that I'm not a true fan? Stop, it's not going to work. What you mean by "true fan" is "true NFL fan". It's entertainment and competition to me my friend, and past experience tells us we won't be getting much of either... although women love this emotional symbolic bullshit, it's the only way most will give a shit about the competitive aspects of the game at all. So admittedly it does have a purpose (enriching the NFL with higher viewer numbers), but I'll be back in November... until then I'm enjoying college which is a superior game for football fans (but not necessarily NFL fans who don't know all that much about football from my observation).

Anonymous Johnny Football October 05, 2013 4:56 PM  

No, when I said "true fan" of football, I meant ALL football. Try paying closer attention.

" although women love this emotional symbolic bullshit, it's the only way most will give a shit about the competitive aspects of the game at all."

Why are you getting into a lather over something immaterial and irrelevant to the game of football? Must be the beta in you...


"So admittedly it does have a purpose (enriching the NFL with higher viewer numbers), but I'll be back in November."

Then you are not a true fan of football if you are letting something superfluous interfere with your enjoyment of this sport.


"enjoying college which is a superior game for football fans."

Why are you mad, bro?

Anonymous Grandmaster-B October 05, 2013 6:10 PM  

Some of these comments remind me of The Bundy Family Credo.

Anonymous Anonymous October 05, 2013 7:17 PM  

Oh Vox, you must really want attention. Promoting sexual assault AND mocking cancer. Bonus points for that. I assume you are fine with some groping your girlfriend, wife, mom or sister? Isn't that funny too? Maybe you should do a cervix check for cancer by raping them too. Your contempt for women never ceases to amaze me.

Blogger Markku October 05, 2013 7:25 PM  

Isn't that funny too?

Not as such. Put a little more effort into making it funny, and then we can judge.

Anonymous Golf Pro October 06, 2013 1:36 AM  

It's funny, until your younger sister dies of breast cancer. Then...well, not so funny.

Blogger RCR_Chris October 06, 2013 4:49 PM  

Yeah the October program is stupid-squared. Yes, it's funny to mock idiots who think they need to remind the planet that people get sick sometimes...

I could live with an NFL breast cancer awareness campaign if it was limited to all cheerleaders having to go topless for the month, with only pink ribbon pasties.

Anonymous Johnny Football October 06, 2013 8:05 PM  

"I could live with an NFL breast cancer awareness campaign if it was limited to all cheerleaders having to go topless for the month, with only pink ribbon pasties."

In reality, Chris has taken the lead for a new NFL initiative--Erectile Dysfunction Month.

Anonymous Michael Maier October 07, 2013 1:08 PM  

Golf Pro October 06, 2013 1:36 AM It's funny, until your younger sister dies of breast cancer. Then...well, not so funny.

And proving it ... yet again... our Idiot In Residence!

Anonymous I Am Irony, Man October 10, 2013 7:03 PM  

Anonymous: "Isn't that funny too?"

Golf Pro: "Then...well, not so funny."

Fucking comedians!!! Don't they know that shit like breast cancer, hunger, blindness, and domestic violence aren't funny?!?

Anonymous roger u October 10, 2013 7:41 PM  

My wife has a 0% chance of breast cancer!

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