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Monday, December 14, 2015

The evil of the Rebel Alliance

Or, as Milo calls it, Space ISIS:
There’s so much wrong with Star Wars that it deserves a book-length treatise to cover properly. After all, the famous Red Letter Media takedown of The Phantom Menace is longer than the film itself. For that reason I will focus on three of the worst mischaracterisations: the Rebel Alliance as good guys, the tragically misunderstood Jabba the Hutt, and Palpatine’s supposedly evil Empire.

This is going to upset some diehard fans, but who do you trust more? Milo, who always tells you the truth while being witty, charming, handsome and having great hair, or the filmmakers who tried to tell you that Jar Jar Binks is a hero?

THE REBEL ALLIANCE
The Alliance is a ragtag band of fighters from many different cultures bonded together by a hatred of the Empire, fighting an asymmetric war resulting in massive collateral damage and loss of civilian life. They take their lead from mystics hiding in caves and swamps, and want to return the galaxy to a primitive religion that hasn’t changed for 600 years. That’s right nerds: the Rebel Alliance is ISIS.

The Jedi are a typical wishy-washy Mother Gaia-style progressive cult. Their most obvious failing is not using the real Force powers. Force lightning is actually quite humane; it’s like hitting a bad guy with a taser instead of cutting him in half with a lightsabre.

Same thing with force choke: do we really need to shoot a criminal resisting the will of the Emperor? Why not subdue him with a choke–or the term we use in the Sith community, enhanced persuasion techniques? Besides, in the far-flung future of Star Wars, SJWs have ensured force-sensitive individuals get affirmative consent every 10 seconds while using their powers so there’s really no big deal.

The Jedi are sick bastards. They use the Force to cloud the minds of others. The movies show this being done to stormtroopers, but you just know Luke uses it on dates at the cantina.
You can argue about the details. But the core thesis that the Star Wars film franchise is garbage? As much as it pains me, a former fan who once successfully collected the entire blue-card set, who saw the original film seven times in the theater as a child, to say it, he's right.

You see, I saw The Phantom Menace. "Garbage" is too kind.

Professional note: Milo is a master, no, he is THE master of social media PR. This is perhaps the most epic large-scale trolling in the history of social media. You can't imitate him. Unlike Mike, you can't even learn anything from him; it would be like trying to take lifestyle advice from an exploding supernova or trying to pick up a few composition tips from Mozart.

Sorry, make that Wagner. As we are reliably informed, Mozart, too, is garbage.

Sometimes, all you can do is sit back and admire the incandescent artistry.

Labels:

111 Comments:

Blogger Steve, the Dark Ninja of Mockery December 14, 2015 7:50 AM  

Milo's just saying - in a more flamboyantly fabulous style - what I've been thinking since 1983 when I met David Prowse and decided that I wanted to be Darth Vader when I grew up.

The Empire are the good guys - that's why the Imperial ranks are filled with stiff upper lipped Englishmen. They stand for order, legitimate authority, and awesomeness.

The Rebel scum are a bunch of antediluvian religious fanatics, criminals, terrorists, revanchist monarchists, effete robots, weird old men, and shit-eating little Ewok bastards.

Darth's problem was that he was just too damn soft as a Dad. Luke was an ungrateful little punk - can you imagine how Vader must've felt when his boy's reaction to meeting his father was "Nooooooooooo!!!!"?

Gutted, that's how he felt. You do everything for your kids - you sacrifice your youth and your sleep and your money and the planet Alderaan - and *this* is how they repay you?

He should've Force-slapped the crap out of him and forced him to get a proper job in the Imperial navy.

Blogger White Knight Leo #0368 December 14, 2015 7:50 AM  

What amazed me is the number of people who didn't realize that it was satire.

Blogger Rantor December 14, 2015 7:50 AM  

Decades ago at a German language school, I was having lunch with a physicist. For whatever reason Star Wars came up. The physicist (improving his German to spend a year lecturing at a German University) mentioned that he saw the film but couldn't appreciate it. He saw no evidence that the rebellion, led by a monarchical woman, was any more legitimate than the Empire with its Imperial Senate.

I was confused. This professor couldn't understand Star Wars. I went and saw Empire Strikes Back in German anyway. Vader was perfect in that deep German voice. Oh well. The Ewoks were bad enough in Jedi, but Jar Jar ruined everything.

Blogger Remo - Vile Faceless Minion #99 December 14, 2015 7:51 AM  

Ahh... the blue card series... the first series and the BEST series. Later came the Red series, then yellow, and finally the green series. I had all the Blues, all the Reds, and most of the yellows but I was too poor to get the greens. Then I was in middle school and starting to concern myself with girls and sports so gave them away.

Star Wars was great. Everytime I got an A on a spelling test my parents gave me $2 to see it in the Saturday matinee. It was in the theaters for a year and damn did my spelling improve. 26 times no lie. Empire was even better. Then.... the last one (and it was the last) and although the first half was okay I wanted to pretend the second half didn't exist. Jar Jar started life as an Ewok - friggin little overgrown hamsters. A great idea became a retarded toy commercial.

Blogger Samuel Nock December 14, 2015 7:56 AM  

"Mozart = Garbage"

Jealousy of one flamboyant pyrotechnician for a greater one.

Milo, admit it.

(Has a modern figure ever physically resembled the Mozart of "Amadeus" fame than Milo?)

Blogger Mr.MantraMan December 14, 2015 7:58 AM  

So I've watched the trailers to SW and Bear Rape, go with Bear Rape even if it trods from Critical Race Theory of evil white men killing mixed race kid from peaceful, vegetarian yoga loving Indian tribe and then EWM being hunted down by sexually liberated and progressive white man with chip on his shoulder. Bear Rape over Space ISIS by a mile.

Anonymous paradox December 14, 2015 7:59 AM  

Milo is upset because the Galactic Empire doesn't have an Ernst Rohm character he can relate to.

Anonymous NorthernHamlet December 14, 2015 8:04 AM  

Besides, in the far-flung future of Star Wars, SJWs have ensured

...

That everyone admit they are equally attracted to all species, regardless of age, size, or "biological sex."

But sex robots, of course, will still be illegal.

#GoraxLivesMatter

Anonymous Baron Silas Greenback December 14, 2015 8:08 AM  

In anticipation of the new film, my wife wanted to re-watch the old films in chronological order. Phantom Menace was bad, We've had three sessions of Attack of the Clones and still haven't finished it yet. There's no life to the prequels. I expect at least Disney will make a rip roaring fun movie, while cramming barely masked leftist-ideals down our throats, again.

The wife is going to see the new one, I'm not.

Anonymous karsten December 14, 2015 8:09 AM  

That's a pretty good composer list. I would only amend the first three slightly:

1. Beethoven
2. Wagner
3. Bach

Mozart was only deified after Amadeus. For a long time, he was considered in the second rank of composers.

Blogger Steve, the Dark Ninja of Mockery December 14, 2015 8:10 AM  

This is how the Cloud City showdown would've gone, had Luke not been a massive Sarlaac-sized pussy...

Luke Skywalker: [angrily] I'll never join you!

Vader: If only you knew the power of the Dark Side. Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Vader: No, I am your father.

Luke: [shocked] No. No! That's not true! That's impossible!

Vader: Search your feelings; you know it to be true!

Luke: OK... [searches feelings] Oh yeah... Shit, Dad. Why didn't you say so earlier?

Vader: Daddy was busy. Sorry about your hand, by the way.

Luke: So what now? Want to grab a few beers at that Twi'lek strip club and catch up?

Vader: [tearful] I fucking love you, son.

Blogger Gaiseric December 14, 2015 8:13 AM  

@2: That's because the prequels actually quite seriously attempted to make half of it true. Especially the part about the Jedi not really being the good guys at all.

@9: I have a certain fondness for the Russian romantics. No top 10 list of mine (or maybe top 9, as Milo did it) could ever not have Rimsky-Korsakov or Tchaikovsky on it. I'm totally with him on preferring the Romantic era composers to the Classical era composers, though.

Blogger Salt December 14, 2015 8:16 AM  

What amazed me is the number of people who didn't realize that it was satire.

I haven't gotten to the full article yet, but offhandedly I'd have to agree.

Anonymous Miserman December 14, 2015 8:20 AM  

"George Lucas didn't ruin my childhood. F***ing Milo did." - Plinkett rephrase.

Anonymous NorthernHamlet December 14, 2015 8:22 AM  

1. Beethoven
2. Wagner
3. Bach


Agree completely. I'm curious to hear what everyone's opinion of Stravinsky is.

Anonymous TS December 14, 2015 8:26 AM  

"Besides, in the far-flung future of Star Wars..."

According to the opening it was "a long time ago".

Blogger Skylark Thibedeau December 14, 2015 8:33 AM  

The prequels were ruined by George trying to be C.S. Lewis and writing a modern political Allegory. Nute Gunray, Lott Dodd and the evil trade federation were obviously Newt Gingrich, Trent Lott and the evil Republicans. Count Dooku was George W. Bush and Palpatine was Dick Cheney.

Only the last 39 minutes or so of Revenge of the Sith is any good as everyone had been waiting since Starlog Number 7 in 1977 to see Darth Vader and Obiwan fight inside a volcano.

Blogger ZhukovG December 14, 2015 8:38 AM  

I always knew there was a reason I preferred the Sith Empire in the MMO,Star Wars, The Old Republic.

Blogger White Knight Leo #0368 December 14, 2015 8:42 AM  

@11

I meant Milo's article, not the films. The original films were just supposed to be homage to the old film serials, not satire.

Blogger Red Jack December 14, 2015 8:49 AM  

There was an old article called "In Defense of the Empire". Darth banned slavery, imposed order, and unified the worlds. Leia wanted her crown back and didn't care how many died to get it.

One of the odd things is once you see SW as an adult, you start wondering why you liked it as a kid.

Blogger Steve, the Dark Ninja of Mockery December 14, 2015 8:58 AM  

Skylark - Incorrect.

The prequels were ruined by everything.

Shit casting:

Hayden Christiensen and his rat tail were bad enough, but what does Natalie Portman bring to the table?

She's hot. That's it. She can't act. So what did Lucas do? Slather her in weird space-geisha makeup.

Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor and Samuel Motherfuckin' Jackson - completely wasted in those movies, and looked thoroughly bored to be acting against green screen.

Christopher Lee and Ian McDiarmid were the only actors who made their characters believable.

Shit special effects:

Woo! CGI. And... more CGI. And look - CGI. "Oh man, I can't wait for more fake CGI explosions!" said nobody ever.

Shit stories:

Something something... trade... midichlorians... Anniekin bitching about getting friendzoned... yawn.

Shit baddies:

The devil guy with the double-sided lightsaber, who was built up as a badass but turned out to be as useless as John Scalzi at a rape crisis centre. The robot with lung cancer. Jar Jar.

The prequels had more AIDS than Tom Hanks in Philadelphia.

Blogger Mr.MantraMan December 14, 2015 9:02 AM  

Any bets that the male lead in the new SW is magical?

Anonymous NorthernHamlet December 14, 2015 9:08 AM  

She's hot. That's it.

6 of 10. Simply not my style.

Blogger Gaiseric December 14, 2015 9:16 AM  

Any bets that the male lead in the new SW is magical?

As much as the Diversity, Inc. Star Wars concept has me worried; is it really going to be any worse than the prequels? I might as well just get over it and find some other fun, swashbuckling space opera to get behind. Star Wars has only shown moments of brilliance over the years that the franchise has been in business. It's hardly been consistently anything other than inconsistent.

Anonymous Napoleon 12pdr December 14, 2015 9:19 AM  

I was waiting for Lord Vader to chop Jar-Jar in the third prequel. Gut thrust...so Jar-Jar could cry, "Meesa DEAD!" and collapse.

The audience reaction would have been epic. :-)

Blogger Timmy3 December 14, 2015 9:20 AM  

The whole story was about fair trade like it or not.

Anonymous karsten December 14, 2015 9:26 AM  

It makes not one bit of difference whether the article is satire or not, as many of its points are as completely valid as accurate observations as if it had not been satire.

Episodes I-III and VI ARE garbage; and moreover, the Rebel Alliance is a suspect bunch and the Empire easily the more appealing entity in a number of ways.

I was 7 when I first saw Star Wars, and that pre-Haydain, pre-unmaked Vader was by far the most compelling figure to me. It was his fate, at the end of EpIV, in which I was most invested.

Blogger Steve, the Dark Ninja of Mockery December 14, 2015 9:28 AM  

NorthernHamlet - Sweet, slender, sexy, pouty girls aren't your style?

Blogger Krul December 14, 2015 9:34 AM  

That's not how you troll Star Wars fans.

This is how you troll Star Wars fans.

Blogger Sean December 14, 2015 9:35 AM  

The Jedi use child soldiers.

Anonymous YIH December 14, 2015 9:35 AM  

or the filmmakers who tried to tell you that Jar Jar Binks is a hero?
Actually from what I gather, Jar Jar was intended to develop into the big bad, taking out Darth Maul (kinda lazy to make him 'space satan') and replacing him. After everyone reacted negatively to it, Jar Jar - fortunately - ''disappeared''.
Despite all the effort to hide details of the new SW two spoilers have already surfaced:
Can't really call them surprises; Harrison Ford always hated Han Solo (and finally got what he wanted to happen to that character) and you know what Vader's actual last name is right? Like father, like son, think about won't you?

Anonymous karsten December 14, 2015 9:36 AM  

Agree completely. I'm curious to hear what everyone's opinion of Stravinsky is.

Colossally overrated, but, depending on the composition and on who conducts it, passable listening. Karajan's '77 Rite of Spring is a phenomenal record.

Still far superior to Schoenberg and his ilk, who created noise that cannot even be termed music.

And speaking of overrated, yes, that also applies to affirmative-action starlet (affirmative action due to her ethnicity) Natalie Portman. No thanks. Prettier than Carrie Fisher, but that's about it. And just as annoying.

Blogger White Knight Leo #0368 December 14, 2015 9:41 AM  

@19

Erm, what? "Banned slavery"? Han was booted from the Imperial Navy for refusing a direct order to discipline a slave. Namely, Chewbacca.

Anonymous karsten December 14, 2015 9:44 AM  

Milo's take is an update of this great parody, released when our own empire took out Osama Bin Laden:

Galactic Empire Times

Anonymous joe doakes December 14, 2015 9:44 AM  

Is there such a thing as an Award Winning Fabulous Mockery Artist? Milo, hands down.

Blogger Steve, the Dark Ninja of Mockery December 14, 2015 9:44 AM  

Leo - animals can't be slaves.

Blogger Krul December 14, 2015 9:48 AM  

Gentlemen, raise a glass to the Death Star.

(Oldie but a goodie)

@14 NorthernHamlet - "I'm curious to hear what everyone's opinion of Stravinsky is."

Personally, I think Stravinsky sucks. His stuff has all these sudden halts and shifts that I think are meant to fit the action of the ballet dancers on stage, but that make the compositions themselves disintegrate.

When it comes to ballet composers, I prefer Tchaikovsky.

Anonymous Tyrone Jones December 14, 2015 9:49 AM  

Sucks for you guys that The Force Awakens is going to be a smash hit and lead to millions of white girls being more attracted to Black Men


On a side note-the National Front just got spanked In France, People of Color are having tons of kids and migrating to the West, People of Color are getting fed up with right wing whites not wanting to give up their privilege

SUCK IT

Blogger CCubed December 14, 2015 9:49 AM  

@14:

When I was first attracted to classical music, I too found Mozart insipid compared to the romantic or baroque composers. Until Ingmar Bergman's film of the opera "The Magic Flute" came out in the mid 70s. I fell in love with it and came to appreciate Mozart. And I believe the reason I went to the movie was Herman Hesse's reference to the opera in one of his books.

I like some of early Stravinksy. Some of his later stuff sounds somewhat like baroque music and I like that too.

Checkout his short opera "Le Rossignol", his take on Hans Christian Andersen's "The Nightingale":

https://youtu.be/DIOYX7Y27qM

Does anybody else think that the Emperor in it looks like George W. Bush?

Blogger White Knight Leo #0368 December 14, 2015 9:50 AM  

@35

So a creature who can operate complex modern weaponry and fly a hyperdrive-capable interstellar starship is a mere animal to you?

Blogger bob k. mando December 14, 2015 9:51 AM  

7. paradox December 14, 2015 7:59 AM
Milo is upset because the Galactic Empire doesn't have an Ernst Rohm character he can relate to.



'so to speak', hurr hurr.



27. Steve, the Dark Ninja of Mockery December 14, 2015 9:28 AM
NorthernHamlet - Sweet, slender, sexy, pouty girls aren't your style?



Natalie is not ugly and she is certainly not fat. but even with all the help Hollywood can give her, she still looks like a damn 12 year old.

https://images.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=http%3A%2F%2Fimages.fanpop.com%2Fimages%2Fimage_uploads%2FNatalie-natalie-portman-55672_1024_768.jpg&f=1


time to start following Muhammed, Steve.

Blogger White Knight Leo #0368 December 14, 2015 9:51 AM  

@35

Not to mention, as stated by C-3PO in 'Empire', is able to repair said hyperdrive.

Blogger Steve, the Dark Ninja of Mockery December 14, 2015 9:53 AM  

Leo - my cat can open doors.

So, yes. Of course Chewie is an animal, he can't even talk.

Blogger White Knight Leo #0368 December 14, 2015 9:54 AM  

@42

Okay, I see the troll now.

Blogger Krul December 14, 2015 9:57 AM  

For you Russophiles out there, enjoy Tchaikovsky's Slavonic March.

Blogger S1AL December 14, 2015 10:03 AM  

@42/43 - Thanks for the laughs.

Anonymous BigGaySteve December 14, 2015 10:03 AM  

Leo - animals can't be slaves.

Coco the sign language gorilla has a higher IQ than the average of several Sub Sahara Nations.

Anonymous staccato December 14, 2015 10:12 AM  

Early Star Wars summed up: Unapologetic masculinity of Han Solo + darkness and power of Darth Vader + mystery of The Force + family secrets.

The new episodes = fruitcake flamboyancy + poor acting/writing.

Anonymous YIH December 14, 2015 10:15 AM  

From the link: The Jedi are sick bastards. They use the Force to cloud the minds of others. The movies show this being done to stormtroopers, but you just know Luke uses it on dates at the cantina. He probably uses it to get anal.
Surprised? Me neither, the kid who played Anakin Skywalker wasn't the only one whose life was ruined by Star Wars.
Word had it Hamill started really hitting the sauce by the time Empire began filming - and stayed that way for years.

Blogger dienw December 14, 2015 10:26 AM  

The Jedi exposed themselves as liars and just as evil as the Sith:
1. Right after Yoda dies Luke confronts the ghost of Obi Wan; he demands to know why he was lied to about Darth Vader killing his father when Vader is his father. Obi responds that it all depends from your point of view: that is deception moral relativism. That killed the series for me right then.
2. In the pre-quel, when Anikin slays those who abducted and slew his mother, Yoda is shown dismayed as though Anikin coming to the aid of his family and avenging her death on a lawless planet is a move to he "dark side." What moral code demands the abandonment of one's family?

Isn't Vader's killing of the emperor for the sake of his son a repeat of going to the defense of his mother the same "dark side" move; except, in Lucas' mind Vader is now redeemed.
3. Then the Jedi renounce love for another. Not even Christianity demands that renunciation; it merely says that to get married is to be distracted by material lusts.

The Jedi are morally indifferent.

Anonymous Ilk#10,191 December 14, 2015 10:30 AM  

The Jedi are moral nihilists, which is what makes them so objectionable.

Blogger Cataline Sergius December 14, 2015 10:32 AM  

And while we are at it lets talk about the maligning of Wilhuff Tarkin for his perfectly legitimate use of the Hama Model against Alderaan.

If you want a spot a real Cuckservative find out what their view is on the legality of Alderaan's Reduction. I can't believe some of the whining I've had over this one.

Anonymous A Visitor December 14, 2015 10:33 AM  

@1 Funny take on how Darth felt towards Luke

@2 This proves some people just can't lighten up at anything.

@10 LOL. Imagining James Earl Jones saying, "I fucking love you son," would make my day. I saw him give a speech when I was in undergrad. Memorable, to say the least.

@15 Careful, old boy, looks like you may be walking on to class territory there.

@16 Though it wasn't me, someone said it in the comments (and I've heard it too) that the Empire was supposed to be the U.S. and the Rebels were the Vietcong.

@19 "One of the odd things is once you see SW as an adult, you start wondering why you liked it as a kid." I watched Episode IV for the first time in over a decade last night (going to be 29 here shortly). I noticed the dialogue was so-so and the movie overall was not nearly as good as I remember.

@20 "Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor and Samuel Motherfuckin' Jackson - completely wasted in those movies, and looked thoroughly bored to be acting against green screen." Liam Neeson was in the prequels? Shit, how did I miss seeing him?!?

@23 May I recommend Mass Effect, if you have not played that trilogy.

@27 You've seen the unmasking from Darth Trump, right?

@33 Funny

@34 Never seen that!

@48 Never heard that but not surprised

Blogger Krul December 14, 2015 10:40 AM  

@49 "Obi responds that it all depends from your point of view: that is deception moral relativism. That killed the series for me right then."

The way I understand it, Lucas originally didn't intend for Vader to be Luke's father. That idea occurred when writing Empire. This had the unfortunate effect of making Obiwan a liar. Instead of having Obiwan say something understandable like "I'm sorry, Luke, I just didn't have the heart to tell you," or even something openly manipulative like "I didn't believe you could defeat Vader if you knew," Lucas has Obiwan give the "certain point of view" sophistry, which makes him and the Jedi look horrible.

One of a great many gaping flaws in ROTJ, I'm sorry to say.

Blogger Nate December 14, 2015 10:41 AM  

"She's hot. That's it. She can't act. So what did Lucas do? Slather her in weird space-geisha makeup."

She can act. The problem is, she simply could not hide the fact that she wanted to bang Ewan so bad she couldn't see straight... and that Hayden kid turned off like a light-switch.

Anonymous szIlk December 14, 2015 10:43 AM  

The best plot twist that could go into TFA is if we find out that Luke went into seclusion not simply because he in fact used the "dark" side to defeat his father, but that in doing so he proved to himself where the Jedi order went wrong.

Anonymous YIH December 14, 2015 10:48 AM  

@52 Hamill nearly bought it in that car wreck - DUI. Today he'd be crucified in the media over it, back then it could still be hushed up.

OpenID dreadilkzee December 14, 2015 10:48 AM  

I almost hate to says this but they are not ISIS, they are conservatives. Jedi are not known to strap bombs to themselves but they do fall all over themselves to be "inclusive".

Blogger Student in Blue December 14, 2015 10:55 AM  

The problem is, she simply could not hide the fact that she wanted to bang Ewan so bad she couldn't see straight... and that Hayden kid turned off like a light-switch.

That's part and parcel of acting, Nate.

Blogger dienw December 14, 2015 10:56 AM  

@ 44. Krul
For you Russophiles out there, enjoy Tchaikovsky's Slavonic March.

No, no; this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sA5IFJqjXiQ

Blogger L. Beau December 14, 2015 10:56 AM  

@14 NorthernHamlet - Stravinsky? One of the more listenable composers of the 20th century, although being an unrepentant American jingoist myself, I prefer Aaron Copland.

@36 Krul - No, Stravinsky doesn't suck, but abrupt starts and stops, along with decidedly un-classical changes in tempo and "the emancipation of dissonance", are just part and parcel of post-Romantic composition (i.e. 20th Cent.) It's not for everyone, and I'll admit that I prefer Bach, Beethoven, or Mozart over any of the 20th century "modernist" material.

@23 Gaiseric - I'm with you on SW, old, new, and unreleased. And Natalie Portman doesn't look like a sexy leading woman, she looks like a sexy leading woman's jailbait kid sister. And as an actress, she peaked in 1994 with "Leon: The Professional."

Blogger Cataline Sergius December 14, 2015 11:05 AM  

@54 Nate

Portman complained about that. She couldn't get work for a year because of Lucas and his "do not show emotion regardless of the scene's content" school of direction. Had convinced everyone in Hollywood that she couldn't act.

Having been a child actress she knew enough people in Hollywood that they were willing to throw her some pity work.

Anonymous Eric December 14, 2015 11:24 AM  

You can't imitate him...

True enough, but man, do people try! Why, Sonny Bunch of the Washington Post took the extreme step of going back in time, making it appear as if his Star Wars troll article came out months ago! https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/act-four/wp/2015/10/29/the-destruction-of-alderaan-was-completely-justified/

Blogger JaimeInTexas December 14, 2015 11:28 AM  

Jabba the Hutt to me is more like the King of Saudi Arabia. Except the races are not F1, or camels.

Anonymous Ad Victoriam December 14, 2015 11:28 AM  

@17 I love Korriban. "Don't do what? Oh you mean this!" *force lightning*

@54 Her voice acting was just as bad in SWTOR (weakest of anyone in a huge game), so I always figured she sucked.

Blogger JaimeInTexas December 14, 2015 11:32 AM  

@10. Steve, the Dark Ninja of Mockery

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOHPuY88Ry4

Anonymous Dead Dog December 14, 2015 11:32 AM  

Milo may have written satire, but even in the earliest days of Star Wars fandom there was a huge contingent of Imperial loyalists... sometimes just for fun, but often for more or less Milo's reasons. Indeed, in our live-action role-playing club, membership was heavily lopsided in favor of the Imperials, and few people wanted to portray a rebel.

Perhaps related to the SJW infestation in greater society, that changed when the prequels came out -- suddenly there were a lot of new members who wanted to portray padawans. And as you might guess, soon it was no longer fun, and most of us old-timers gradually drifted away.

And yeah, I'm old enough to have seen the original first-run as an adult. Now get off my lawn!

Anonymous damntull December 14, 2015 11:38 AM  

Mozart is untouchable, even by Bach. Even joking about him is sacrilegious.

Anonymous Spartacus xxxxx December 14, 2015 11:40 AM  

"Father?"
"Yes son?"
"I want to kill you." - Jim Morrison, 1967

Where did Lucas get his ideas?

@52. A Visitor
@16 Though it wasn't me, someone said it in the comments (and I've heard it too) that the Empire was supposed to be the U.S. and the Rebels were the Vietcong.

Milo pastes up a couple dots-

It’s obvious that what really happened is Darth Vader was having a giggle and let the Death Stars be destroyed in an insurance scam. His son made a one-in-a-million shot to blow up the first Star? Him, of all people? And who do you think leaked to the rebels the one place they could attack to blow up the thing?

It’s fishy, and you should be thinking of things like this. Oh, and by the way, Darth Vader’s daughter was installed as the leader of the galaxy after he killed the rightful and democratically elected leader, Emperor Palpatine. I’m just saying.


Just to arrange a few things in a scrapbook montage, Jim Morrison is*/was the son of Admiral Morrison, a key player in starting the Vietnam War, "At&T's war" as I.F. Stone put it. Each time a Death Star get blown up, demand is generated for a new one. The Morrisons are part of a long line of military/intelligence parents 'sacrificing'/using their own children as controlled-opposition tools.

*We don't know exactly which 27-club members actually died, and also which ones were the recipients of, um, advanced learning techniques. Jim Morrison explains

Jim just kept saying over and over kill the father, fuck the mother, and essentially boils down to this, kill all those things in yourself which are instilled in you and are not of yourself, they are alien concepts which are not yours, they must die... So what Jim says at the end of the Oedipus section, which is essentially the same thing that the classic says, kill the alien concepts, get back reality, the end of alien concepts, the beginning of personal concepts.[12]

Comprehensively wrecked, the singer [Morrison] wound up lying on the floor mumbling the words to his Oedipal nightmare, 'Fuck the mother, kill the father.' Then, suddenly animated, he rose and threw a TV at the control room window. ...he returned in the middle of the night, broke in, peeled off his clothes, yanked a fire extinguisher from the wall and drenched the studio. Alerted, Rothchild came back and persuaded the naked, foam-flecked Morrison to leave once more, advising the studio owner to charge the damage to Elektra.[6]

...he held the microphone against his mouth and screamed the word "fuck" repeatedly, in rhythm, for three measures or more... That "rhythm instrument" was buried in the studio mix of "The End."


Early use of audio subliminal programming? Sounds like Jim had parental issues, or maybe all that 'advanced education' had to come out somewhere, like with Phil Ochs.

Star Was came out in 1977

Wiki-"The End" was used in Francis Ford Coppola's 1979 film Apocalypse Now,[17][18] both in the opening sequence and during the end.

Blogger tenor_general December 14, 2015 11:43 AM  

My biggest issue with the Empire in Star Wars is that they employ carrier tactics, but somehow decided between Palpatine's rise and the construction of the first Death Star, that their fighter pilots didn't need resilient craft. Dropping the hyper drives makes sense, as your small craft don't need to make long journeys by themselves if you only ever deploy them from carriers. But removing shielding, and giving them a nice, large target profile is unquestionably poor design.

Of course when one remembers that the whole point of many decisions with regards to imperial tech and tactics were meant to make them seem villainous, it makes sense or the narrative.

Still, the empire as it likely would have been if it developed naturally would tend more towards the less expensive A-wing in a nice black color scheme.

Anonymous Gedrin December 14, 2015 11:44 AM  

I remember seeing Portman in a movie called Garden State. I was amazed by how well she acted in it. It was clear to me it really was Lucas' s instructions that caused her to do so poorly

Blogger JaimeInTexas December 14, 2015 11:46 AM  

To all. Thanks for the laughs, especially Milo.

@24. Napoleon 12pdr

"Meesa DEAD!"
"The audience reaction would have been epic. :-)"

Bwahahahahaha

@28. Krul
Emailed pic to relevant people while laughing.


Blogger David-093 December 14, 2015 11:49 AM  

Knights of the Old Republic I and II are the high-water marks for all of Star Wars. The plots were superior, the characters enjoyable, the environments incredible, if anything they should have just made those games into movies and not Star Wars: Nazism Awakens or whatever JJ Abrams is going for.

Blogger Were-Puppy December 14, 2015 11:58 AM  

@10 Steve, the Dark Ninja of Mockery

This is how the Cloud City showdown would've gone, had Luke not been a massive Sarlaac-sized pussy...
---

You could probably write a best seller fisking the original 3 movies :P

Blogger Were-Puppy December 14, 2015 12:03 PM  

@20 Steve, the Dark Ninja of Mockery

The prequels had more AIDS than Tom Hanks in Philadelphia.
---

Let me add another log to this fire.

The noodle man fish dudes

Blogger tenor_general December 14, 2015 12:11 PM  

This comment has been removed by the author.

Blogger tenor_general December 14, 2015 12:12 PM  

The mon Calmari at least have a reason to fight against the empire, seeing as imperial forces sided with their enemies in their planet wide race war.

The plausibility of converting large cruise ships into warships able to stand up to a star destroyer strains believability though.

Blogger Were-Puppy December 14, 2015 12:14 PM  

@39 White Knight Leo #0368

So a creature who can operate complex modern weaponry and fly a hyperdrive-capable interstellar starship is a mere animal to you?
---

You mean whacking a panel like the Fonz to get it to work counts?

Blogger Were-Puppy December 14, 2015 12:16 PM  

@48 YIH

Word had it Hamill started really hitting the sauce by the time Empire began filming - and stayed that way for years.
---

Hamill has been on the Flash recently as the Trickster. Man does he look old. Man do I look old QQ

Anonymous 0007 December 14, 2015 12:17 PM  

Going off topic, but there's a company call Anaxar that is doing a Star Trek movie that looks like it might be pretty good, especially considering it's pretty much a fan-flic production.

Blogger OneWingedShark December 14, 2015 12:27 PM  

@2 "What amazed me is the number of people who didn't realize that it was satire."

You're absolutely right, the big tell though is "The Alliance is a ragtag band of fighters from many different cultures bonded together by a hatred of the Empire, fighting an asymmetric war resulting in massive collateral damage and loss of civilian life."

@53 "The way I understand it, Lucas originally didn't intend for Vader to be Luke's father. That idea occurred when writing Empire. This had the unfortunate effect of making Obiwan a liar."

I've heard that story as well, and it really is unfortunate that Obiwan used the "certain point of view" line... but I guess that's the inevitable consequence of retconning something.

Blogger Were-Puppy December 14, 2015 12:33 PM  

@66 Dead Dog

And yeah, I'm old enough to have seen the original first-run as an adult. Now get off my lawn!
---

Well I've got the Taco Bell Star Wars Cube
and the mystical 1/2 Vader 1/2 Yoda Cosmic Cube

Blogger luagha December 14, 2015 12:38 PM  

I have read several versions of this essay before and so it was ho-hum to me.. until I hit the Rancor beast. That got me.

As is well-known, George Lucas is the anti-Tarantino. Where Tarantino can take average actors and put them in situations which pull out the best performances of their lives, Lucas takes great actors and puts them in situations which require the most boring performances of their lives.

As for Anakin avenging his mother against the Tusken Raiders, the problem is not Anakin's lopping off heads. The problem is Anakin's screaming with rage and crying like a little girl simultaneously while he lops off heads. That's what gets you a dark side point - a true Jedi Master could simply judge them guilty and choose to either bring them in or execute them dispassionately.

When I saw that scene I knew that Palpatine paid the Tusken Raiders to go kill Anakin's mom to provoke exactly that response, but I don't think it's shown.

Blogger CM December 14, 2015 12:46 PM  

This doesn't really surprise me... though maybe the rebels are a bit more jewish.

Liam Neeson's character was the only one who believed their religion enough to pursue "balancing" the force... and who makes the savior of the force a bad guy? Unless Yoda & Assc. Were the bad guys.

I was discussing this with my husband not so long ago and read him VD's CS Lewis essay.

Blogger Krul December 14, 2015 12:55 PM  

@83 CM - "and who makes the savior of the force a bad guy?"

About that... I actually think it had possibilities. Oh, the prequels were terrible, of course, but I mean with their handling of the Anakin character, they had a pretty good idea. It was just executed very poorly.

Bear with me. Everyone in the audience knows Anakin will grow up to be the evil Darth Vader, right? So, you make him the "chosen one". Have everyone believe that he's some great hero who will save the galaxy. Have everyone pin their hopes on him. It's dramatic irony, and it enhances the tragedy of both Anakin and the galaxy's fall to evil, which means that it also adds to the goodness of their redemption.

Or it could have, if it were handled remotely well.

Blogger Gaiseric December 14, 2015 12:59 PM  

The way I understand it, Lucas originally didn't intend for Vader to be Luke's father. That idea occurred when writing Empire. This had the unfortunate effect of making Obiwan a liar. Instead of having Obiwan say something understandable like "I'm sorry, Luke, I just didn't have the heart to tell you," or even something openly manipulative like "I didn't believe you could defeat Vader if you knew," Lucas has Obiwan give the "certain point of view" sophistry, which makes him and the Jedi look horrible.

One of a great many gaping flaws in ROTJ, I'm sorry to say.


It wasn't until the third or fourth draft that that happened. Prior drafts of the script literally have Anakin Skywalker (in flashback form) and Darth Vader appearing as totally separate characters.

In fact, the whole "I've had the whole story mapped out from the beginning" nonsense is the biggest lie Lucas ever told. He's got a hyper-atrophied sense of self-esteem about his writing ability, and he's a control freak, and he's not that talented to begin with, and he basically just got lucky with Star Wars and Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Sadly for him, his worst fears came true: everybody figured out that he sucks; that he just got lucky the first time out, and then he leaned on the talent of his crew after that for another movie and a half or so. I think that's a big part of the reason why he threw up his hands and sold the whole thing to Disney in the first place.

But yeah; when Obiwan said that in the first movie, it was meant to be taken straight. Of course, the way both Yoda and Obiwan in Return of the Jedi ended up being liars, moral equivalencers, and the fact that they were dead wrong about what Luke needed to do vis a viz Vader, was the beginning of the end for any credibility the franchise had.

That and the triumph of the gay stone-age teddy bears over "an entire legion of [the Emperor's] best troops."

Blogger rycamor December 14, 2015 1:00 PM  

"A little-known fact is that all the stormtroopers killed by the “good guys” are people of colour. The easiest way to tell is they can’t hit the broad side of a barn with their blasters. "

ROFL... Nero is trolling literally everybody at once.

Blogger Gaiseric December 14, 2015 1:05 PM  

@23 May I recommend Mass Effect, if you have not played that trilogy.

You may, but that's not likely. I haven't ever played it, but due to consistent reports of it being Diversity, Inc. in space with a particular focus on gay romances, there's basically no chance that I'm going to take any Mass Effect title seriously.

So far, the best space opera (in film) that I remember seeing since Empire Strikes Back is probably Guardians of the Galaxy. If it were up to me, I'd have made the Starjammers instead, but the rights are probably tied up with Fox and the X-men titles. And honestly; the movie version of that was way better than I expected it to be.

Blogger CarpeOro December 14, 2015 1:13 PM  

An elected head of government that would always be a teenage girl/young woman. Sounds plausible - as a condition imposed on a defeated people.

The wonderful line "Only a Sith speaks in absolutes".

Samuel Jackson's character opting to assassinate the chancellor rather than bring him up on charges.

Yeah, the prequels left a bit to be desired.

Regarding Hamel, didn't he get in a car wreck and severely injured between 4 and 5? May be the cause of the drinking.

Blogger Sevron December 14, 2015 1:14 PM  

The original version of the Star Wars past I got from a friend who was a huge nerd back in about 1990 was:
- Giant clone army attacks the Repiblic. It's a problem because the clones are soulless and don't make much of an impression in the Force, so for the first time, the Jedi are having a hard time handling things.

- Repiblic raises huge army. Anakin Skywalker is their greatest pilot, he's killed like. Billion clones or some shit.

- General Kenobi (anybody remember he was supposed to be a general? Leia said so in the first movie) hears about this great pilot and meets him. Is shocked to discover he's naturally strongly attuned to the Force.

-Anakin and Obiwan best friends forever Obiwan trains Anakin, Anakin leads their forces to greater victories even as things generally go to shit in the greater Republic.

- Anakin given his own command. Over the course of the war, Anakin becomes gradually more brutal. He starts to prosecute a total war that leaves no room for prisoners, mercy, etc. especially for those he considers traitors.

-Obiwan discovers that Anakin has fallen to the dark side. At the culmination of the war, he confronts Anakin. They fight in a volcano. Obiwan believes he has left Anakin for dead.

- Anakin not dead. Jedi exterminated for this assassination attempt. Empire ensues.

How much better would that movie have been?

Anonymous patrick kelly December 14, 2015 1:26 PM  

I was in HS when the original Star Wars was released. I thought it was a pretty good, entertaining kid/family movie.

It wasn't until after Episode I came out that I realized, mostly due to the collective groan of SW fandom, the series had more than just some sort of fanatical cult following. I was still working in the game industry at the time and am still convinced my inability to be sufficiently enthusiastic about SW contributed to my exit.

Blogger tenor_general December 14, 2015 1:32 PM  

*best troops with armored vehicles, plasma weaponry, and air support.

But hey, trees and primitive traps can totally take out things so heavily armored that blaster cannons can't scratch their armor.

Anonymous chedolf December 14, 2015 1:39 PM  

"The most tremendous genius raised Mozart above all masters, in all centuries and in all the arts." - Richard Wagner

Blogger CM December 14, 2015 2:11 PM  

So, you make him the "chosen one". Have everyone believe that he's some great hero who will save the galaxy.

That would have been such a better story. But the whole "chosen one" to "balance" the force would have necessitated someone not on their side. The Light Side was far stronger than The Dark Side.

Anonymous Laz December 14, 2015 2:20 PM  

@20. Steve, the Dark Ninja of Mockery

Every point can said of the originals too.

"Shit casting" The only good actor in the originals was Harrison Ford and even he wasn't that good.

"Shit special effects" Can anybody say animatronics?

"Shit stories" Luke whining and getting friendzoned by his sister.

"Shit baddies" Zero non-human baddies in the originals. Jabba and his ilk don't count. He may have ran a crime syndicate, but he wasn't the enemy.

The originals were bad. It's just that most people can't see it because the prequels were so horrendous.

Blogger Cataline Sergius December 14, 2015 2:30 PM  

It's no secret that Star Wars wrecked Science Fiction.

Even George Lucas knows it. In the first movie you can find the dying embers of actual hard science, science fiction if you sift the ashes long enough. He used words like "parsecs" and "hyperspace" The H word was extremely uncommon in movies up until that point.

These coals of intellect were long dead by Empire.

Lucas's completely unwanted prequel Episode (*head desk*) One, even shows a flickering of contrition on his part when he introduced the ridiculous midichlorians. They were completely out of place by then but he obviously felt a need to redress his wrong doings.

Too little. Too late.

Before 1977, any science fiction film had to send a few felicitous nods towards actual science. The pinnacle of this was 2001 (the movie, clearly and obviously not the year).

By 1980 that was completely over and done with.



Release date 1979



By then science fiction was for stupid people too. Before then it most certainly wasn't. You needed a BS in Calculus before you could even get into Larry Niven's Neutron Star.



You see that is how Star Wars indeed and truly wrecked Science Fiction. It made science fiction approachable by people with double digit IQs and sadly, they stuck around.

These weren't nerds. Nerds are smart. These were geeks.

Blogger Krul December 14, 2015 2:36 PM  

@95 Cataline,

So if I understand you correctly, Star Wars is to science fiction as Twilight is to vampire fiction.

Blogger Were-Puppy December 14, 2015 2:55 PM  

@95 Cataline Sergius

So whereas Star Trek is like walking down a cold sanitized hospital hallway, Star Wars is like walking down a back alley in pre-Guiliani New York?

Blogger Daniel December 14, 2015 2:57 PM  

What turned me toward the Empire is when the quisling rebel Ugnaughts throw gay C-3PO off a roof, shattering him to pieces.

Blogger JaimeInTexas December 14, 2015 2:57 PM  

8O

Seriously discussing Star Wars, ahem, plot?

Blogger Anthony December 14, 2015 3:02 PM  

I wonder if Milo has read David Brin on Star Wars.

Anonymous Odd Wobble December 14, 2015 3:05 PM  

Stravinsky wrote two good ballets: The Firebird and Petrushka. After that it was all 20th Century Modernist noise making with intermittent moments of interest.

Mozart was a genius, and all composers of good repute, Hayden, Beethoven, Brahms, Wagner, etc, have agreed with that assessment.

Blogger Cataline Sergius December 14, 2015 4:23 PM  

@96 & @97

Yeah pretty much. Although post Guiliani is headed back down there fast. But the hipsters insist they like it. Hell they insisted that TB drenched hobo rapists at Occupy Wall street camp, "were authentic." They seemed to like that too.

Their world not mine.

Blogger bob k. mando December 14, 2015 4:50 PM  

56. YIH December 14, 2015 10:48 AM
@52 Hamill nearly bought it in that car wreck - DUI. Today he'd be crucified in the media over it, back then it could still be hushed up.



back then, DUI wasn't a very big deal.

you can thank MADD for changing that in the 80s.

or, you can join my organization, DDAMM, and fight to have things 'conserved' back to the way they used to be.



77. Were-Puppy December 14, 2015 12:14 PM
You mean whacking a panel like the Fonz to get it to work counts?



the Fonz is an animal? oh, that's right, you're Were-Puppy.

Blogger Tom K. December 14, 2015 5:38 PM  

You're RIGHT! He and Tom Hulce could be brothers!

Blogger L. Beau December 14, 2015 6:43 PM  

@94 Laz - Ford is the only good Star Wars (1977) actor?
Alec Guinness was better than Ford (yes, even in this movie.)
So was Peter Cushing* (Grand Moff Tarkin)

@101 Odd Wobble - I believe that during Stravinsky's long career (b. 1882, d.1971), he had four distinct phases:

1. Late (or Neo-) Romantic: He was one of the favorite students of Rimsky-Korsakov.
2. Post_Romantic - more radical, modern works, e.g. The Rite of Spring (1913)
3. Neoclassical - 1920's thru early 1950's - a return to a more classical style of music, and even classical themes (Orpheus [1947].) This period is thought to have ended with his score for the ballet The Rake's Progress (1953).
4. Modernist - mid-1950's onward - began his use of the 12-tone serialism, and other modernist techniques.


*And I'd like see Indiana flippin' Jones take on Dracula half a dozen times and come away without a major allergy to sunlight.

Blogger papabear December 14, 2015 7:40 PM  

The new Star Trek movie looks to be junk too.

Anonymous Alice De Goon December 14, 2015 8:55 PM  

I admit I've grown a bit partial to minimalism after watching the "Riding Light: Traversing the Solar System" video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AAU_btBN7s

Of course, I think of this kind of work more as a background noise mood enhancer than an actual piece of music.

Star Wars went horribly wrong the moment Lucas decided to make the prequels. They were completely unnecessary. Not only that, they muddled up the numbering system for the movie series. "SW: Episode IV" is actually "Episode I" in reality. It NEEDS to be the first thing a person watches from the SW universe, as it slowly opens up the world and explains everything to the viewer. Starting with the Prequel's "Episode 1" only serves to ruin the plot twists of the Original Trilogy (which need to come as a surprise to the audience if they're to have the dramatic weight that is required of them.)

If they wanted to explore Vader's backstory in detail, they could have flashed back to it in some post-ROTJ movie (much like "Godfather 2" explored Vito Corleone's backstory.)

Blogger NOLA man in EXILE December 15, 2015 2:09 AM  

What about Pizza the Hut ?

Blogger Tom K. December 15, 2015 3:18 AM  

You're RIGHT! He and Tom Hulce could be brothers!

Blogger Were-Puppy December 15, 2015 10:22 AM  

Q: What does Darth Vader and Shawn King have in common?

A: There's a white guy under the mask

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