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Tuesday, January 05, 2016

Better than the story

Quite possibly longer as well. This is an epic review of "If You Were a Dinosaur, My Love":
I thought it was cool that the girl narrator loves dinosaurs so much. I mean, really, who doesn't love dinosaurs? Especially the T-Rex. The Biggest, Meanest Big Bad of the Big Bads. Awesome. Well, ok, a five foot ten inch T-Rex. So not the biggest, but at least the meanest right? And she feeds it live meat and it's gory, so still cool, right?

Then the T-Rex starts singing lullabies, and performing musical theater. Then it gets married. Whoa. What happened? That's not the Biggest, Meanest Big Bad of the Big Bads - that's Hugh Jackman! Which would still be cool if it was Wolverine Hugh Jackman, but it's not. It's The Boy from Oz Hugh Jackman. The gay Hugh Jackman. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay. I love gay men. Well, I mean, not like that, I enjoy gay – yes, people, gay people. They're wonderful.

So just as my attention starts to wander and I'm thinking about Hugh in all his tight glitter clothes and sparkley man glory, well, then suddenly the story twists into this awesome piece of violent dinosaur revenge porn! Just like Man on Fire with Denzel, but toothier!

Now it's got me again, Hugo award for sure! Men soaked in gin and malice? Oh, yeah, baby, bring me some of that! Ah, I mean, what a beautiful word picture. Men, gin, malice... mmmm... beautiful. So now there is blood everywhere, evil cackling laughter, widows and orphans - wooo! I'm out of my seat cheering on the five foot ten inch T-Rex – and then she's back talking about a wedding again for gosh sakes. And it's not even a blood soaked Carrie kinda wedding, but a green chiffon wedding – does Hugh have green eyes? I guess I've never looked at his eyes.

Then we find out that the narrator actually hates her fiance because he's a pussy who can't win a bar fight! In her imagination she loved this awesome man mincing T-Rex that waded through pools of revenge blood but in real life he was just... a disappointment. He wasn't the bar fight winning, beer drinking, tattooed, six foot six inch, 300 pound Hells Angel alpha male she wanted, just some New York hipster in skinny jeans who couldn't take a pool cue across the face.

She wrote this whole story to rip away the tiny bit of masculinity her fiance still possessed. A masculinity wax job. That. Is. Cold. I mean, not every man can be Wolverine Hugh Jackman, but please, why does she hate gay Hugh Jackman so much?

5 Stars for awesome dinosaur revenge porn – minus 4 stars for the homophobia.

Labels:

62 Comments:

Blogger Caffeineforge January 05, 2016 8:04 PM  

Epic. Review. I want to read their book. Link?

Blogger pdbuttons January 05, 2016 8:04 PM  

I am peeing now-sitting down-like a dinosaur-roar! sshh-ok-I pee now--ssh-turn the faucet on...ssshh

Blogger Skylark Thibedeau January 05, 2016 8:09 PM  

Homophobic Dinosaur story wins Hugo

Anonymous NateM January 05, 2016 8:15 PM  

"Gin Soaked malice"

What straight man drinks gin? The last time I drank it was because the guy next to me at the bar won a free shot and neither of us had any idea what it was

Blogger Cataline Sergius January 05, 2016 8:19 PM  

An oldy but a goody.


If you were a dinosaur, my love, I’d teach you the scents of those men. I’d lead you to them quietly, oh so quietly. Still, they would see you.

Swirsky (shrieking and jumping up and down): They're right there! They are right fucking there!!! Can't you see them?

T-Rex (to himself): No I can't. They obviously saw the movie. Everyone has seen the damn movie! They are standing perfectly still and my new optical receptors (courtesy of your incredibly squandered magic wish,) are not capable of detecting a stationary target!

Swirsky (screaming louder): You have no idea what I had to do get their scents?!

T-Rex (to himself) In fact...sniff, sniff I do. shudders in disgust

Swirsky (screaming louder still): I ask you to do this one thing. This one thing and it's just beyond you. You don't care about me or my needs!

T-Rex (to himself): I'm tired and I've got a headache from air that has way too little oxygen to support my new physiology (thanks again BTW). You have for the second time this week, dragged me out to this open air GDF redneck yacht club, where I got my ass kicked. All because your (by some dark miracle even fatter) BFF Teresa, told you "the best tacos in the world are made here."

Swirsky (making the windows vibrate): YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME!

T-Rex (to himself): I wish. However, now that I've got a brain the size of walnut a few things are now becoming shockingly clear to me. First, I've never been so hungry in my life. Second, I can't recognize a taco now because of the aforementioned eyesight thing. Third, I can recognize something edible that is violently wobbling up and down in front of me. Fourth and finally, I lied to you every time I said you were beautiful, I didn't like seeing you naked but now for the first time ever. massive jaw drops open I believe that I find you absolutely scrumptious!!

Blogger Cataline Sergius January 05, 2016 8:25 PM  

@4. NateM

Agreed!

Where the hell was he, that he got beat down by gin soaked men?

I mean beer soaked sure. Whiskey drenched not a problem in the least, easily done, almost required in fact. But gin soaked men?!

I can only think of two places where that is even possible.

Either her three toed boy toy got a can of whup ass opened up on him in a country club in the Hamptons, by a bunch Plymouth swilling Edward Herman types who answer to the call-signs like; Bunky and Scooter.

Or he had had some seriously disappointed customers in a glory hole booth on Fire Island.

Okay, that just takes the romance right out the story so far as I'm concerned. Not to be hetro-phylumed and cis-specied here. But I don't just don't swing that way. Fuck her, she deserved to lose the Hugo!



(I am assuming it was a T-Rex and not some Hadrosaurida. Given Swirsky's weight problem an apatosaurus isn't out of the question here but her heart seemed to be set on one of the greater carnivores.)

Blogger Mint January 05, 2016 8:27 PM  

Maybe any Goodread expert can confirm that the review will move higher thus easily accesible to new readers if it gets more 'like'.

The first review I saw was Lyn's after Vlad's deleted. Now it's Ireyon's.

Blogger Hazim January 05, 2016 8:28 PM  

If you're not drinking gin with your cocaine, you're not doing right...

Anonymous Wilbur Hassenfus January 05, 2016 8:33 PM  

Straight men have drunk a great deal of gin. Gimlets (see "The Long Goodbye" by Raymond Chandler), martinis, G&Ts and pink gin in the British Empire days. Serious drinking.

Blogger Michael Maier January 05, 2016 8:38 PM  

Straight gin. I have recently discovered AVIATION. Dang tasty, very peppery on the nose and tongue.

Anonymous VFM 849444779984 January 05, 2016 8:44 PM  

Great review. Truly epic.

My as yet unwritten review featured beast porn. Poor finance, cuckolded by a T-Rex. Couldn't help but wonder what would happen if they consummated that relationship. Plenty of blood and gore I'm sure. Anyone know if a T Rex phallus has scales?

Great possibilities here, revenge porn, yeah! Beast porn, yeah!

Anonymous Viidad January 05, 2016 8:45 PM  

Gin is marvelous. The best cocktail of all time is the Martini. Period.

That said, the men drinking gin were completely unrealistic. Early Times, maybe. Not gin.

"I think I'll have a few Martinis, dry, with one queen olive each, then beat someone to death" said no one ever.

Blogger Phillip George January 05, 2016 8:45 PM  

Pith Helmets and a Stiff Upper Lip. Cucumber sandwiches between Chukkas at the Polo.
Who started this culture war> Be prepared to finish it.
http://pinchandswirl.com/2013/08/homemade-tonic-water-for-the-ultimate-gin-and-tonic/

quinine to beat the malaria.

Blogger VD January 05, 2016 8:49 PM  

Anyone know if a T Rex phallus has scales?

If you dare to read TAKEN BY THE T-REX, I expect you will learn. In some detail.

Anonymous Viidad January 05, 2016 8:52 PM  

@Phillip George

That's awesome.

Anonymous Viidad January 05, 2016 8:53 PM  

Many reptiles are equipped with a spiked hemipenis which sometimes will break off inside their mate.

Anonymous Viidad January 05, 2016 8:54 PM  

"Bartender - a gin and tonic for me, and a spiked hemipenis for Ms. Swirsky. Hold the ice."

Anonymous 445supermag January 05, 2016 8:56 PM  

"I think I'll have a few Martinis, dry, with one queen olive each, then beat someone to death" said... James Bond.

Anonymous Kudos The Lexecutioner January 05, 2016 8:57 PM  

Does the T-Rex like show tunes?

Blogger kh123 January 05, 2016 9:04 PM  

"All because your (by some dark miracle even fatter) BFF Teresa, told you "the best tacos in the world are made here.""

The shell's made entirely out of Doritos so I hear.

"Anyone know if a T Rex phallus has scales?"

All the easier to hold the cocaine steady.

Anonymous DarthWheatley #2415 January 05, 2016 9:04 PM  

This was my favorite review, too. I tried, but this was pure poetry.

Anonymous #1037 January 05, 2016 9:06 PM  

Gin is great, but I only hunt dinosaurs while sober.

@17 Viidad, now I've spat gin on the monitor.

Anonymous Hezekiah Garrett January 05, 2016 9:09 PM  

Smells like a Christmas tree, tastes like paint thinner...

Must be gin!

Blogger Amaryllis January 05, 2016 9:10 PM  

I imagine that all of these reviews are A-okay, according to the arbiters of morality and virtue, correct? They will have no problems with them, and this won't be showing up on File770 or other assorted places? Yesterday, it was said that as long as everyone acted as separate individuals, it would be okay. I'm certain they can be taken at their word.

Blogger buwaya January 05, 2016 9:17 PM  

I don't know, in some places (like the old country), gin is the cheap distilled spirit ("Ginebra San Miguel", aka "marca demonyo"), the potation of choice of Philippine lowlife drunks. I myself invented a cocktail, "The Wog", gin and kahlua, out of need, as we had no vodka for Black Russians. It does make "marca demonyo" somewhat more drinkable.
On the other hand the real life outcome of a man eating dinosaur in US redneckland would be an annihilating fusillade, as is right and proper. The poets sweetie would be just as dead, though in scenario two there would be a higher body count overall. Now, that would have made a better story I think. A collaboration with Larry Correia maybe.

OpenID Glen January 05, 2016 9:25 PM  

the direct parallel of the peer review process: a scam, a farce and a long money trail to explain why it's that way

Anonymous Viidad January 05, 2016 9:30 PM  

@445supermag

Those were VODKA Martinis. Totally different dinosaur.

Blogger Skylark Thibedeau January 05, 2016 9:35 PM  

Since the men were gin soaked it's clear he was at the bathhouse in Laramie and was beaten because he owed them money for the meth he purchased last week.

Anonymous Viidad January 05, 2016 9:43 PM  

@Skylark Thibedeau

KoranBurningFaggot - is that you?

Blogger White Knight Leo #0368 January 05, 2016 9:45 PM  

That was epic.

I wonder why Goodreads doesn't allow you to sort by review. When I go to buy a book that might be a touchy subject on Amazon, I always read both 5-star and 1-star reviews first. But there doesn't seem to be a way to sort these so I can read the 1-star.

Blogger White Knight Leo #0368 January 05, 2016 9:50 PM  

@11

I'm.... going to go out on a limb and say we don't know. Possibly it was covered in feathers.

Anonymous No January 05, 2016 9:58 PM  

That microaggressive piece of SJW refuse is the detritus of Western Civilization that keeps on giving.

"If you were a man, my SJW, you would be a Scalzi. Up to six foot two ex marine badass..."

And the poor sap would be in hospital on life support after suffering the severe trauma of appletini-sipping dudebros in a bar asking him what he can bench.

Blogger Dire Badger January 05, 2016 10:00 PM  

makes me wonder if Furry fandom is the hidden core

Blogger Amaryllis January 05, 2016 10:27 PM  

@30 Under Community Reviews, there should be a filter that allows you to sort by star, as well as sort from Newest. I can use this filter both logged in or logged out.

However, it doesn't seem to be perfect. I posted a review to Dinosaur this morning and can't see it, though it still appears on the page for me when I search the story (this might also just be a delay though; I am unfamiliar with most of how GR works).

Anonymous Hawk S. Rabidus January 05, 2016 10:31 PM  

@24
Yesterday, it was said that as long as everyone acted as separate individuals, it would be okay. I'm certain they can be taken at their word.

I absolutely guarantee it. Goodreads (and the Hugos) is built on diversity, so as long as you're representing yourself, you'll be fine. You might not make many friends if you're a jerk, and there are consequences for crossing some lines, but that's like real life.

It's when you organize as a group and use collective action that you get shunned. And reviled.

Imagine showing up a party and farting non-stop. You won't be popular. But how much worse will it be if you return with 300 friends and organize them in a farting concerto? You'll be hated forever, and for good reason.

Nobody else is organizing or manipulating things on Goodreads (or the Hugos) using concerted action. There is no cabal. That is exclusively the brainchild of Vox. He's the only one using those tactics, and he's using them as weapons at places where people gather to have fun.

Because he was hurt when he was the lone guy farting at a party and got called on it.

Blogger Were-Puppy January 05, 2016 10:34 PM  

@23 Hezekiah Garrett
Smells like a Christmas tree, tastes like paint thinner...

Must be gin!
---

:P

The last gin I got hold of had a faint watermelon rind scent.

Blogger kh123 January 05, 2016 10:43 PM  

@35 "Imagine showing up a party..."

As in, The Shining, or the Dutroux variety.

Anonymous #1037 January 05, 2016 10:51 PM  

@35 https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/238700058?book_show_action=true&from_review_page=1
Heh, just people gathering to have fun calling other people fat bald crackers with shitty facial hair. Nothing to see here.

Anonymous KoranBurningFaggot January 05, 2016 10:59 PM  

Where the hell was he, that he got beat down by gin soaked men?

If you are losing a fight in a gay bar its pretty sad, gays don't even get to the point of cat fighting, its more like dramatic threatening.

"Anyone know if a T Rex phallus has scales?"

Many reptiles have forked penises.

I posted a review to Dinosaur this morning and can't see it, though it still appears on the page for me when I search the story

Shadowbanning is when you can see your own stuff when logged in, but if you log out and clear your cookies you can't find it. Twitter, Facebook & youtube use it for badthink.

KoranBurningFaggot - is that you? No, but what is 15yo in T-Rex years? If you where snorting cocaine of a 15x (age modifier) yo T-Rex's Spiked Hemipenis at Epstein Island My Love.

Never mind it was the Matt Shepard thing you responded to, I would have put Matt Shepard's name in so people wouldn't think I was a regular at the Laramie bathhouse. Kevin DuJan reporting political deals sealed in Chicago's bath houses let everyone know where he frequents.

Blogger Danby January 05, 2016 11:04 PM  

I absolutely guarantee it. Goodreads (and the Hugos) is built on diversity, so as long as you're representing yourself, you'll be fine.

Absolute bullshit, contradicted by consistent experience. The problem you have with us is not that we act in concert, because when we don't act in concert, we are secretly acting in concert. And when we speak up on our own (as I did just this afternoon on GR) we are labelled idiot shills. When Vox explicitly tells people NOT to review any work they haven't read, and NOT to leave dishonest reviews, the geniuses on your side will tell us that it was an implicit instruction to leave dishonest reviews of things we haven't read.

It's when you organize as a group and use collective action that you get shunned. And reviled.

Bullshit again.
Your side lies and slanders our side at all times, on all occasions and then tells us that we are dishonest shitbags for stating our opinions.

Take your God damned lying excuses and peddle them where there are buyers. Everyone here has experienced your fairness and honesty.

Anonymous Hawk S. Rabidus January 05, 2016 11:18 PM  

@40
Yes, Vox personally told people to rate stories they've read. But Vlad's instructions also said that the goal was to lower the rating on the Swirsky story below 3.2, so that's already predetermining what ratings would most likely result. It's like asking people if they'd like a greasy cheeseburger instead of asking if they'd like a cheeseburger - it skews the outcomes.

And if we're talking about falsehoods, please review Vox's tweet from earlier today. He compared two reviews on Goodreads (one a smear job on his novel, and the other his own review of an Iain Banks novel).

Vox then said that one was considered acceptable, while the other review resulted in a lifetime ban.

Untrue. Vox was never banned from Goodreads because of that review.

He was banned because he was the leader of a group that was organizing to lower the overall average rating of books they didn't like, and also organizing to gather likes for negative reviews of those same books so that they would appear at the top.

That's the lifetime ban. For his actions, not his carefully considered words. And he doesn't like it.

Blogger bob k. mando January 05, 2016 11:33 PM  

41. Hawk S. Rabidus January 05, 2016
That's the lifetime ban. For his actions, not his carefully considered words. And he doesn't like it.



no, what he doesn't like is you little shit stains being permitted to crap all over the GR review requirements with no consequences ... while honest reviews get people banned.

you'll notice that people keep referencing goodthink reviews by TruFen that ... immediately start attacking the physical appearance of the author?

that accuse a hispanic of being a white redneck?

that express a desire to commit a crime ( breaking and entering to a public library in a conservative area ) in order to leave books in the hopes that they can offend someone?


that's the kind of review and behavior that you faggots find acceptable.

Anonymous NateM January 05, 2016 11:44 PM  

"Anyone know if a T Rex phallus has scales?"

All the easier to hold the cocaine steady.


Well that's getting 2 stars on my List of Things I wish I'd never even Considered


Even Milo's tweets don't feature snorting coke off a therapods dick

Anonymous 445supermag January 05, 2016 11:54 PM  

Its not a Martini if it doesn't have gin in it, it's an abomination. From Ian Fleming's original text:

"A dry martini," Bond said. "One. In a deep champagne goblet."

"Oui, monsieur."

"Just a moment. Three measures of Gordon's, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shake it very well until it's ice-cold, then add a large thin slice of lemon peel. Got it?"

"Certainly, monsieur." The barman seemed pleased with the idea.

"Gosh, that's certainly a drink," said Leiter.

Bond laughed. "When I'm...er...concentrating," he explained, "I never have more than one drink before dinner. But I do like that one to be large and very strong and very cold and very well-made. I hate small portions of anything, particularly when they taste bad. This drink's my own invention. I'm going to patent it when I can think of a good name."

—Ian Fleming, Casino Royale, Chapter 7, "Rouge et Noir'

Blogger Ron January 06, 2016 1:41 AM  

@Cateline Sergius

That was hillarious

Blogger Danby January 06, 2016 1:56 AM  

@41 Hawk S. Rabidus

you can say all that, and you even probablybelieve it, to some extent. The problem is twofold. Your side has never done things this way, and even when we have done things by your supposed even-handed more ethical standards, we are just as vilified, insulted, demonized and discriminated against as when we do things our way.
So no, we don't believe you, will not accept your advice, and will endeavor to act exactly as we find will best advance our own interests.

Fuck you.
We
Don't
Care

Blogger rho January 06, 2016 2:15 AM  

Gin is vodka is whisky is bourbon. How opposed to the taste of alcohol are you?

I didn't read the Hugo nominated work.

Try reading SAILING ALONE AROUND THE WORLD instead.

Anonymous Rhys O'Reilly January 06, 2016 2:31 AM  

I don't know anyone under the age of 70 who drinks gin. Did Mr Swirsky get his arse kicked at the retirement home?

Blogger Danby January 06, 2016 2:46 AM  

@Rhys
Well, my son drinks gin. But then he doesn't like beer, so what's his opinion worth?
And he's got a beautiful girlfriend with a great rack, so gin isn't even a primary indicator of gayness either.

it's all very confusing.

My brother, on the other hand, drank a pint of turpentine when he was 3. Says it tasted exactly like gin does, right down to the taste of regret when your stomach is emptied involuntarily. In that case it was a stomach pump, so less humiliating and probably more dangerous than gin. I don't intend to find out personally either way.

Blogger The Overgrown Hobbit January 06, 2016 2:58 AM  

Even though we disagree on so many important things, and I have to bite my tongue (not nearly as often as I ought, mind you) this is why I keep stopping by.

Supercalifragilisticexpealidociosly hilarious.

The thought police people miss so much good stuff.

Anonymous Shut up rabbit January 06, 2016 3:24 AM  

@35. Hawk S. Rabidus
All together now...

"SJWs ALWAYS..."

Blogger The Overgrown Hobbit January 06, 2016 3:42 AM  

The raging Accipitridae is correct. If tribal outsiders openly organize to counter deceptive or oppressive actions by the privileged True Believers the ban hammer must and will fall.

Organizing to expose rampant rules violations by Good Reads progressive 1-percenters cannot be permitted.

Of course, if the goal is to expose hypocricy, double-standards and institutional privilege, it hardly matters whether or not the ban hammer comes down.

Funny and educational. VD for the win again.

Blogger VD January 06, 2016 4:10 AM  

Vox then said that one was considered acceptable, while the other review resulted in a lifetime ban. Untrue. Vox was never banned from Goodreads because of that review.

How can you possibly say that is untrue? First, Goodreads didn't provide any reason. Second, by your own admission, I didn't write anything about "organizing to lower the overall average rating of books they didn't like." That was Vlad's objective.

As it happens, that's not why I founded the group. My objective was to flag the abusive SJW reviews that violated GR policy and either force the moderators to play fair with them or show themselves to be SJWs as well.

And third, the review was deleted by Goodreads. The other one was not.

Blogger JaimeInTexas January 06, 2016 8:16 AM  

Moody June ... neat. Only way to drink it.

Blogger JaimeInTexas January 06, 2016 8:26 AM  

Moody June ... neat. Only way to drink it.

Blogger Gunnar von Cowtown January 06, 2016 9:06 AM  

@4 Do you even drink, bro?

Blogger David H. January 06, 2016 9:12 AM  

This comment has been removed by the author.

Anonymous NateM January 06, 2016 10:00 AM  

@56

perhaps some background is needed. The bar does a ring toss game where if you land a ring around a bottle, you win a free shot of whatever is inside (only on a certain level-no, sadly top shelf isn't in play) So he threw one and didn't remember what bottle he'd gotten it on.

I guess more accurate would've been "who drinks gin NOW" Only people i've seen with it lately are 1) older people who always have or 2) hipsters

Anonymous KoranBurningFaggot January 06, 2016 10:44 AM  

It's like asking people if they'd like a crack hooker instead of asking if they'd like a hooker - it skews the outcomes.

Untrue. Vox was never banned from Goodreads because of that review.

Please display your credentials as someone who knows why Vox has a lifetime ban. A link to your linkedin account showing a senior position at Goodreads would be nice.

Even Milo's tweets don't feature snorting coke off a therapods dick

You must not know of Milo's personal twitter feed @Caligula, I have seen things I didn't want to see there like why Russell Brand is a liberal(he has a micropenis)

Imagine showing up a party and farting non-stop. You won't be popular

Unless you go to the same party as this guy

Riding the Red Horse,Sean O'Hara's review, Jan 04, 16...It's more like they got their friends together and had everyone shit on a plate.




Blogger eharmonica January 06, 2016 11:40 AM  

If your gin tastes like paint thinner, you are drinking bad gin.

Blogger Danby January 06, 2016 3:51 PM  

@60 eharmonica
If your gin tastes like paint thinner, you are drinking gin.

FTFY

Anonymous Ahmad ibn Fadhlan January 06, 2016 6:57 PM  

Hawk is neither honest, nor fair. Of course.

At the same time, the After Action Review needs to be characteristically unsparing when the time comes. Don't let Hawk distract from good practice and good judgement.

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