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Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Obama makes a list

He's getting ready for the Supreme Court appointment battle in the Senate:
Moving quickly to begin the process of filling the unexpected vacancy on the Supreme Court bench, President Obama spent much of the weekend compiling a shortlist of gay, transsexual abortion doctors to replace the late Antonin Scalia, White House sources confirmed Monday. “These are all exemplary candidates with strong homosexual values and proven records of performing partial-birth abortions, but am I missing anyone?” Obama reportedly asked himself while reviewing his list of queer, gender-nonconforming, feminist Planned Parenthood employees, all of whom were also said to be black immigrants. “I definitely have enough post-op transsexuals on the list, but it is a little light on pre-op candidates. And I should probably add a cop killer or two on here just to round out my options.”

Sources later confirmed that Obama was attempting to rapidly narrow the list down to the single best nominee to submit to the Senate in hopes of wrapping up confirmation hearings before his choice had to leave to attend the Hajj pilgrimage.
In related news, Majority Leader "Vichy" Mitch McConnell refused to reveal his plans for the upcoming Republican surrender in the Senate. "We haven't decided exactly how, or how fast, we're going to collapse," the U.S. Senator from Kentucky said. "Perhaps just a few of us will bravely cross the aisle and join the Democrats in supporting whatever illiterate, homeless person of color is put up for the Court by the President, or maybe we'll go all in and stab the grass roots in the back en masse. We're still working out the strategy."

When asked if he, personally, had held the pillowcase over the late Justice Scalia's face, Sen. McConnell shook his head before replying, "No comment."

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72 Comments:

Blogger White Knight Leo #0368 February 16, 2016 8:05 AM  

The Onion writers really know where to put the skewer, don't they?

Anonymous Steve February 16, 2016 8:10 AM  

I was surprised to learn most people don't sleep with a pillow on their head.

Blogger Jamie-R February 16, 2016 8:12 AM  

All I know is that the arrogance of Man knows no bounds. This is not like killing a Russkie spy, Scalia was one of the lions for the Lord, and if anyone in the halls of power wanted that to happen, they should be worried not just beyond this life, but what will come before they die too. God can do whatever he wants, unlike them.

Blogger dienw February 16, 2016 8:19 AM  

That parody is too close for comfort.

Anonymous Napoleon 12pdr February 16, 2016 8:25 AM  

I remember the Good Old Days, when the Onion and Duffle Blog were clearly humor...instead of being all too plausible.

Christ, have mercy on us, and fortify us for the travails and trials of this next year.

Blogger Salt February 16, 2016 8:25 AM  

And Dow Futures are up. Coincidence?

Blogger Gaiseric February 16, 2016 8:28 AM  

Reports are surfacing that he thinks Loretta Lynch is his leading candidate.

Blogger pdwalker February 16, 2016 8:37 AM  

It took me a moment to realize this was satire.

How absurd we've become.

Blogger Shimshon February 16, 2016 8:47 AM  

When asked if he, personally, had held the pillowcase over the late Justice Scalia's face, Sen. McConnell shook his head before replying, "No comment."

I like this better: McConnell corrected the questioner, "It was a pillow," before quickly adding, "No comment."

Anonymous Gedrin February 16, 2016 8:48 AM  

Same here Pdwalker, same here

Blogger Student in Blue February 16, 2016 9:09 AM  

@Napoleon 12pdr
I remember the Good Old Days, when the Onion and Duffle Blog were clearly humor...instead of being all too plausible.

The Duffle Blog... as long as I've known it, which wasn't that long admittedly, has always been just a little too uncomfortably plausible.

Blogger Cataline Sergius February 16, 2016 9:10 AM  

They aren't being dumb about it. If they were they would go for the Recess Appointment. Even Turtle Man would have to object to that one. It might indeed hand the GOP the retention of the Senate.

I suppose that might not be intelligence so much as it is Obama's risk averse nature. Too many unknowns there. And he never makes up his mind quickly when there are big unknowns on the table.

Anonymous Napoleon 12pdr February 16, 2016 9:18 AM  

One thing is crystal-clear. We need to encourage the GOP Senators to hold a hard line. It's to their credit that their initial response was "No!"...now we need to help them stick to that position.

Blogger Mr.MantraMan February 16, 2016 9:46 AM  

I want Obama to nominate an outright anti-white loon a true leader of the black clown posse, one so silly that a Taylor Swift level of effective trolling would send said loon into a meltdown

Blogger Sevron February 16, 2016 10:03 AM  

The Mitch McConnell part is undoubtedly not satire. Him doing that would be great for Trump though.

Blogger White Knight Leo #0368 February 16, 2016 10:10 AM  

@13

Luckily they've got both history AND their jobs on the line this time.

Blogger unclesol February 16, 2016 10:15 AM  

Best. Post. Ever.

Blogger James Dixon February 16, 2016 10:31 AM  

> Scalia was one of the lions for the Lord, and if anyone in the halls of power wanted that to happen, they should be worried not just beyond this life, but what will come before they die too.

Did Janet Reno have Parkinson's before Waco? Interesting question, isn't it?

> The Mitch McConnell part is undoubtedly not satire. Him doing that would be great for Trump though.

Trump and Cruz need to get to work and announce who they would appoint. That might give the Senate some backbone.

Blogger dienw February 16, 2016 10:44 AM  

Trump and Cruz need to get to work and announce who they would appoint.

Just Trump. If Cruz is elected, Paul Ryan will be sworn in as president in six to eight months. The whole myth of "no standing" will vanish like the cob web of lies it always was.

Blogger Josh February 16, 2016 10:48 AM  

Trump and Cruz need to get to work and announce who they would appoint. That might give the Senate some backbone.

Trump should have announced that he would appoint Cruz to the supreme court

Blogger frenchy February 16, 2016 10:50 AM  

What was the Bill Lind said? "Nowadays if you want to get your message out, it'd better be packaged as fiction." Because satire today is so close to reality to the point that one cannot distinguish the two.

I think the Onion held a seance, and extracted what Obama was thinking...heck! has already done.

Blogger Mr.MantraMan February 16, 2016 11:06 AM  

The lead faction of the D party at least numbers wise runs the gamut personality wise from plain Jane asshole to crazy racist asshole, and still the GOP flubs this

Anonymous Crusader Corim February 16, 2016 11:17 AM  

Trump already said he'd nominate Bill Pryor, who called Roe v. Wade the "worst abomination in the history of constitutional law"

Blogger Matamoros February 16, 2016 11:28 AM  

Sorcha Faal has a new report:

US Supreme Court Justice Scalia Had Secret Texas Meeting With Obama Just Hours Before His Death

http://www.whatdoesitmean.com/index2001.htm

Blogger pyrrhus February 16, 2016 11:33 AM  

If McConnell confirms an Obama nominee, it's over for the Republicans....so, probably a bridge too far...

Blogger Conan the Cimmerian February 16, 2016 11:38 AM  

This comment has been removed by the author.

Blogger Conan the Cimmerian February 16, 2016 11:39 AM  

@20

Trump should have announced that he would appoint Cruz to the supreme court

Now that is how to post a thread winning comment. Younguns, pay attention to that.

Anonymous Jack Amok February 16, 2016 11:49 AM  

Obama was attempting to rapidly narrow the list down to the single best nominee to submit to the Senate in hopes of wrapping up confirmation hearings before his choice had to leave to attend the Hajj pilgrimage.

Sometimes brevity is the soul of wit, and sometimes one last twist of the knife is what makes it.

OpenID denektenorsk February 16, 2016 11:50 AM  

The smart play by the Republicans would be to appear amenable to Obama's nominations and then stall, stall, stall. It's Government, it's 10 months, it should be childs play to waste that much time.

Of course they have to appease the base and they can't really let them in on the strategy or the cat is out of the bag.

Blogger kmbr February 16, 2016 12:05 PM  

@25 If Obama gets a nominee in, it's over any way you slice it.

They own the court. The leftists have: the 100 IQ transgender, the 85 IQ AA Latina, compromised Roberts, Bad Girl Ginsberg, Kennedy, Breyer. We have Alito and Thomas. I can't even imagine what the next pick is going to be.

Doesn't bode well.

Opposing whomever Obama nominates will involve being mean, being scary, being anti-woman, or being racist, probably all four.

This the Senate GOP will never do. They lack the imagination, fortitude & the confident authority to prevent what is about to happen.

Anonymous DT February 16, 2016 12:11 PM  

Scary thought: would the Republican Senate have the guts to hold out if another justice retired or died...say...Ginsburg?

She doesn't sleep with a pillow over her head...does she???

Blogger Chrom February 16, 2016 12:12 PM  

If pillows are outlawed, only outlaws will have pillows.

Anonymous DT February 16, 2016 12:17 PM  

@30 - This the Senate GOP will never do. They lack the imagination, fortitude & the confident authority to prevent what is about to happen.

Any other time I would agree with you. But right now? With the Trump campaign and Republican voters in full on revolt? McConnell might be wondering how long he'll have a job if he caves. Or if there will even be a Republican party should he cave.

Anonymous DT February 16, 2016 12:18 PM  

@32 - No, we must ban assault pillows! Won't you think of the children?

Blogger SamuraiJack February 16, 2016 12:19 PM  

We pillowed some folks

Blogger kmbr February 16, 2016 12:20 PM  

@Republican Senate have the guts to hold out if another justice retired or died...say...Ginsburg?

What's to stop it?

They are pretty brazenly offing people. You have conservatives calling anyone who even utters that might be the case whackos and conspiracy theorists and you have leftists, openly on social media, cheering them and giving them more the names of more undesirables they'd like to see no longer taking in O2. The vast majority of drones out there--they don't even know who Justice Scalia was--

Blogger RobertT February 16, 2016 12:28 PM  

Alex Jones "apparently" thinks this is the first step to taking over the country. I listened to my first program last night & the show depressed me. It all makes sense. If I wore a tin foil hat I would rush out and buy more guns. But a series of unfortunate canoe accidents would probably raise eyebrows.

Blogger praetorian February 16, 2016 12:32 PM  

US Supreme Court Justice Scalia Had Secret Texas Meeting With Obama Just Hours Before His Death

A bit of... pillow talk?

Anonymous BGKB February 16, 2016 12:32 PM  

Scalia embalmed less than 24hours after his death but Furguson liquor store robber gets 5 autopsies #supremecourtlivesmatter

had held the pillowcase over the late Justice Scalia's face, Sen. McConnell shook his head before replying, "No comment."

Details did he shake his head up/down or left/left?

when the Onion and Duffle Blog were clearly humor...instead of being all too plausible
You mean this is not true? "Nearly 83 percent of mariner rescues since 1960 involved unrelentingly stupid behaviors and/or people, according to a recent study by the U.S. Coast Guard."
http://www.duffelblog.com/2016/02/coast-guard-saves-very-stupid-people/

It took me a moment to realize this was satire. How absurd we've become.

I had to check the newest message from moveon.org to see if it was my nomination.

Now that is how to post a thread winning comment. Younguns, pay attention to that

I suggested Trump nominating Cruz back in the Scalia thread "BGKB February 14, 2016 12:31 PM"

Blogger Lovekraft February 16, 2016 12:46 PM  

Why doesn't he give back to all those millennial voters who helped him steal the presidency by making Twitter the next justice?

Anonymous BluePony February 16, 2016 12:49 PM  

Now is the time for retired Judge Judith Sheindlin to step up and take her rightful place on the Supreme Court. Do the right thing, Mr. Obama!

Anonymous BGKB February 16, 2016 12:50 PM  

Trumps letter to Putin included "his ending of this letter to President Putin is what has become concerning after he, Trump, stated: “I can promise you this, I will NEVER hold a meeting with you in Texas, neither one of us might not come out alive!” sent days before Scalia's death
http://www.whatdoesitmean.com/index2000.htm

Anonymous DavidKathome February 16, 2016 12:52 PM  

While I appreciate healthy skepticism, Scalia was 79 years old. He wasn't a threat to the establishment, and there are much more efficient ways to keep the Supreme Court in line than bumping off the oldest guy(second oldest person) on the bench. The lack of autopsy is hardly surprising.

Anonymous BluePony February 16, 2016 12:55 PM  

"I think the Onion held a seance, and extracted what Obama was thinking..."

Or it was a satirical attack on what they think those on the right are thinking. That's how I read it. The Onion writer who created it probably wishes it was true.

Blogger Lobo Util February 16, 2016 12:55 PM  

Elizabeth Warren.

Blogger Lobo Util February 16, 2016 12:55 PM  

This comment has been removed by the author.

Blogger FP February 16, 2016 1:09 PM  

In other news, Hillary barks like a dog. Literally living up to her nickname of Hilldawg:

https://youtu.be/58rLBBpCE2M

Blogger FP February 16, 2016 1:10 PM  

America 2016:

https://vine.co/v/ivA55hrQgPE

Blogger dc.sunsets February 16, 2016 1:24 PM  

@4 That parody is too close for comfort.

Parody? I thought it was historical, referring to Sotomayor.

Blogger Thomas Davidsmeier February 16, 2016 1:28 PM  

@43

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Blogger Hen February 16, 2016 1:32 PM  

I just happened to turn on a podcast of yesterday's (Feb. 15th) Michael Savage show on YouTube. You ought to listen to the opening. He discusses all the many "strange" circumstances surrounding Justice Scalia's death and the pronouncement of same. Circumstances sound very much like he was murdered.

Anonymous DavidKathome February 16, 2016 1:33 PM  

@50 I am going to need something more than hysterical laughter, you could start with a plausible motive.

Anonymous DT February 16, 2016 2:20 PM  

@52 - Control of the USSC is not a plausible motive?

I'm not saying that I agree he was murdered. But a full autopsy should simply be law when it comes to any official that important.

Anonymous DavidKathome February 16, 2016 2:35 PM  

Control of the US Supreme Court is definitely a motive, but they already have complete control of the court. Bumping off Scalia would jeopardize that control far more than a Trump presidency. You can't predict what Thomas or Roberts would do if they think there is a target painted on their back.

Anonymous DavidKathome February 16, 2016 2:42 PM  

Thinking about it some more, I agree that a law requiring a full autopsy for government officials is a good idea. I would back such a law, to testify to the fact that such murders do take place, even if I don't think that is the case here.

Anonymous tele February 16, 2016 2:56 PM  

Obama makes a list

** Someone ** makes a list

Blogger SciVo February 16, 2016 3:08 PM  

Crusader Corim wrote:Trump already said he'd nominate Bill Pryor, who called Roe v. Wade the "worst abomination in the history of constitutional law"

He also mentioned Diane Sykes. It's nice that he's saying, "I'd like to have the person tailored to be just like Justice Scalia," but I honestly don't think he'd be able to tell. I'm supporting him as my wrecking ball, not my Constitutionalist. Hopefully one of his top advisors understands originalism.

Anonymous Gen. Kong February 16, 2016 3:21 PM  

I was thinking he could nominate the Lizard Queen so she'd have a nice excuse to drop out and make room for Bernie and his millennial bunny-brigade. Either that or the Debutante-Princess of the Palemetto Pedo-Bears, Miss Lindsay Graham. She'd make a superb Obama appointee. As for the Kentucky Undertaker, you just know he'll assume the position - but cringe waiting for it to actually happen.

Blogger Were-Puppy February 16, 2016 3:44 PM  

@23 Crusader Corim
Trump already said he'd nominate Bill Pryor, who called Roe v. Wade the "worst abomination in the history of constitutional law"
---

Obama's only move is to counter with Richard Pryor

Blogger Were-Puppy February 16, 2016 4:07 PM  

@56. Gen. Kong Debutante-Princess of the Palemetto Pedo-Bears, Miss Lindsay Graham.
---

We call xer Linda Graham round these parts

Blogger Were-Puppy February 16, 2016 4:08 PM  

Has Obama already been calling for more gun control in light of this heinous event?

Blogger Robert What? February 16, 2016 5:00 PM  

Anyone want to bet that he is planning to nominate the first Muslim Supreme Court Justice?

Anonymous Be Not Afraid February 16, 2016 5:28 PM  

I'd say Mumia Abu Jamal as the cop killer, and how about either Richard Reid or Zacarias Moussaoui as the first undocumented immigrant jurists?

Anonymous Malwyn's apprentice February 16, 2016 7:47 PM  

@60 Robert What?

Anyone want to bet that he is planning to nominate the first Muslim Supreme Court Justice?

Why not the first gay Muslim transexual? All else fails, he could nom Jeremiah Wright, who fulfills two important requirements: he isn't white & he hates the US. Anything else is gravy.

Blogger David Power February 16, 2016 8:49 PM  

Obama is beginning to resemble a disgruntled burglar. Not content with just robbing us, he's now attempting to shjt on the carpet before he leaves.

This 1 minute clip cracked me up today.

Obama Failed... https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7KZTDtTkHW8
I'm thinking of making it my new ring tone.

Anonymous Boris February 16, 2016 11:32 PM  

Y'all know the Onion is making fun of people like you, right?

Anyway, keep bringing the Scalia conspiracies.

Blogger Thordaddy February 16, 2016 11:46 PM  

But that's the very problem... These people have no concern for their final fates. There is a DESIRE for annihilation due such diabolical indifference, but the little people fail to rise to the occasion BECAUSE they share the same indifference.

Blogger Akulkis February 17, 2016 3:38 AM  

@63

Link, or it didn't happen.

Anonymous Boris February 17, 2016 1:53 PM  

Link? The link is provided in the OP. The Onion is parodying the fringe right wing's image of Obama. It is absolutely hilarious that you are having trouble figuring this out.

Anonymous DavidKathome February 17, 2016 3:59 PM  

It is also making fun of Obama by slightly exaggerating his desires. But that part whiffed right over Boris' head.

Anonymous DavidKathome February 17, 2016 4:03 PM  

@53 DT, my previous reply got spam trapped, but I really like your idea of a law requiring autopsies for high level government officials, even though I don't think there is any foul play in this case.

Blogger Joshua Sinistar February 18, 2016 10:40 PM  

I think Obamadontcare and gay farce marriage has already taken the last bit of relevance from that Rump Court. These morons are no longer even referring to laws or precedents now. Their decisions have no validity at all.
I'm hoping captain simian appoints a darkie to rile up dem niggas. A nice race riot at the DNC would do wonders to show everyone how well the Rainbow of hate is working out.

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