Friday, January 06, 2017

Who needs Jesus?

It's a joke, obviously, but one does wonder what the women-can-do-no-wrong pedestal preachers think is likely going to be the consequence of their extremely extra-Biblical teachings.
According to reports coming out of Hope Community Church, first-time visitor Brittany Wilson remains unsure about why she needed “this Jesus guy” in her life after the pastor spent the entire Sunday sermon reiterating how awesome, amazing, unique, and special she is.

“The message was super-encouraging. It was all about how I need to let the goodness within me shine and ‘just do me,’ without worrying about all the haters,” Wilson said after the service.

“But then the pastor said I needed Jesus, out of the blue. Like, what? It made no sense. I’m not sure what He has to offer that I don’t, based on how wonderful the pastor said I am.”
Women are not only every bit as fallen as men, but they have been the primary weapon utilized by the architects of the decline of the Christian church. I won't attend any church with a female pastor, nor will I attend any church that habitually excoriates men while elevating women. Whatever it is that they are teaching, it isn't from the Bible and it isn't compatible with Christianity.



Anonymous Oath2Order January 06, 2017 2:52 AM  

Long time lurker here. Babylon Bee is a Christian parody news site, like The Onion. Fortunately, that means that others are mocking this trend in the Church (and that this didn't really happen).

Blogger Mr. Naron January 06, 2017 2:56 AM  


Unless he changed it since you commented, Vox opened with "It's a joke".

Anonymous Oath2Order January 06, 2017 2:59 AM  

Oops, I must have missed that. Thanks!

Blogger VD January 06, 2017 3:11 AM  

Babylon Bee is a Christian parody news site, like The Onion. Fortunately, that means that others are mocking this trend in the Church (and that this didn't really happen).

And what joke isn't funnier for being explained in detail? Thank you for this.

Blogger Tatooine Sharpshooters' Club January 06, 2017 3:16 AM  

@1 - Related, from the same site:

Anonymous Icicle January 06, 2017 3:37 AM  

And what joke isn't funnier for being explained in detail? Thank you for this.

This suit is black... pause pause pause NOOOOTT.

Blogger ghostfromplanetspook January 06, 2017 4:02 AM  

"And lo God spake to Jessica and said, "Brittany art such a bitch and her shoes dont even match her purse and have you seen her foundation it makes her look like a clown". Thus Jessica refused to invite her to the pool party and un-friended her on FaceScroll. -The letters from Becky to Margret and Jessica and Terry and Fiona and Vance but not his friend with the mole: Verses 18-19.

Blogger Badger Brigadon January 06, 2017 4:03 AM  

I won't join any church where women are permitted to preach, or give talks, or teach. There is a very good reason women were told not to 'speak' in church.

Blogger S. Thermite January 06, 2017 4:16 AM  

[It's a joke, obviously, but] The first woman was named Eve because darkness approached from the moment she arrived.

Blogger Lazarus January 06, 2017 5:29 AM  

Lots of good stuff there, like this:

Supreme Court OKs Death Penalty For Commenting On Articles Without Reading Them

Anonymous Anonymous January 06, 2017 5:38 AM  

I think this is bigger church news:

"“The final vote tally appeared to show suspicious activity, with over 40 church members voting to hold the potluck on the January 11 date, and only 12 voting for January 18,” an agitated Williams told reporters Friday.

“I really wanted January 18th to win, and I thought it would win—but it did not. Considering these facts, I am confident the results were influenced by Russian hackers,” he continued, adding that Putin “needs to keep his commie hands” off of the sovereign Independent Baptist church’s affairs."

is there no end to Putin's meddling?

And what about this:

"One Oregon man, who rejects the idea that humanity can even be sure the universe exists in any meaningful sense, was nonetheless disturbed by the idea that websites could publish completely false information, for anyone in the world to read.

“It’s just absolutely wrong, in my opinion,” said the man who doesn’t believe in absolute ideals of right and wrong at all. “What if someone reads the information and gets like, deceived? That just seems totally wicked.”

“It just doesn’t seem right that they can publish stuff that’s just blatantly not true,” added the man, who also noted his firm belief that everyone has the right to define their own version of truth."

Thank goodness moral relativists are fighting the subjective fight.

I like the cut of Babylon Bee's jib.

Anonymous Dan January 06, 2017 5:44 AM  

I won't attend any church with a female pastor, nor will I attend any church that habitually excoriates men while elevating women.

I believe orthodox christianiy is the only Church that follows archaic traditions and the only one in which its priests are connected to God through the Holy Ghost. You could even see it in Israel when the Holy Light reveals itself only to the orthodox priests. Catholicism, unfortunately has strayed from its path for too long, while the protestants are just silly in my opinion.

Anonymous Napoleon 12pdr January 06, 2017 6:01 AM  

I've long thought that when needed the Red Pill far more than men. The Red Pill and a mirror. Men understand they are flawed. Women have been misled into thinking they aren't.

Anonymous SJ January 06, 2017 6:12 AM

Absolutely hilarious.

Blogger S1AL January 06, 2017 6:45 AM  

Yup, the Bee is one of the half-dozen or so sites I visit regularly. A timely and relevant source of modern Christian news.

Blogger Cataline Sergius January 06, 2017 7:03 AM  

My favorite from the Babylon Bee:

"Local Calvinist Suspicious Of Any Sermon Mentioning God’s Love"

This. All. Day.

Blogger Earl January 06, 2017 7:12 AM  

Your ma is just silly in my opinion

Blogger S1AL January 06, 2017 7:16 AM  

@Cataline - Don't forget "Calvinist Man's Sense of Superiority Visible from Space".

Blogger dc.sunsets January 06, 2017 7:54 AM  

And what joke isn't funnier for being explained in detail? Thank you for this.

Now that made me laugh out loud.

Blogger 4499 January 06, 2017 7:55 AM  

"Just do me." Powerful words. I recall hearing that message once, long ago. If memory serves, Cherry Pie was playing ever so faintly in the background. Or maybe it was Crazy Bitch. And there was glitter everywhere, and dollar bills that you could almost pluck. And you could choose liquid sustenance from either Saint Louis or Golden, Colorado. A very moving experience.

Blogger Duke Norfolk January 06, 2017 7:56 AM  

LOL, that place is definitely better than the Onion. The hits just keep coming.
Rich Young Ruler Finds Home At Lakewood Church

Blogger Hazim January 06, 2017 8:22 AM  

Can we start culling the catholic, orthodox an calvintards who have to spotlight their home team theology every time it's not the subject?

Blogger Wanderer January 06, 2017 9:30 AM  

@12 The fact that you put value in (man-made, extra-Biblical, pagan) traditions over just having the correct, Biblicaly-pure gospel illustrates why Orthodoxy is not the way. The silly parts of Protestantism are the result of modernity infesting the church, and not Protestantism itself which merely seeks to be as fundamentally accurate to the Bible as possible.

Anonymous Bob Just January 06, 2017 9:41 AM  

@Vox: I'd have less of a problem with this type of sermon- if the message mentioned the falling from a pedestal (elevated position) - which is what these half-the-story preachers are setting folks up for.

Or from a Seinfeld:

GEORGE: I know what the problem is - I like her too much. That's why I can't make a move.
JERRY: You put her on a pedestal.
KRAMER: I put them on a dental chair.

And from -"It's Greek to me"

quick refresh (MIS)read at Infogalactic on Calvinism

Calvinism is sometimes used to refer to particular Calvinist views on soterology and predestination

Occipitotemporal activation: soterology (Obama as ?)

Double-take (re-read): soteriology - ? click link - oh it is Greek

Anonymous Dan January 06, 2017 10:04 AM  

23. Wanderer
Those pagan traditions as you call them are divine signs. How can you know both as an individual & as a religious cult if your interpretation of the Bible is the right one if you do not receive some sort of response from the divine, especially during the important days of the year. These pagan traditions(as you call them) were past down from the very first christians .Any sort of event when the spiritual intertwines with the priest's sermony, especially nowadays when everyone attacks christianity for being a man-made religion is actually important because people also need proof for God's existance, faith isn't enough for some people. And as you surely know Jesus wants to help as many people as possible to find their way back to God.

Anonymous SugarPi January 06, 2017 10:04 AM  

Thank you... I wasn't aware of this humorous site. I will go to it for therapy after I've been confronted with the likes of Anne Graham Lotz's proud declaration, "I'm an evangelical feminist."

Blogger tz January 06, 2017 10:15 AM  

The muslims might be right about 72 virgins after blowing themselves up. Trigglypuff and cat-lady cougars are in the same level of hell.

Blogger liberranter January 06, 2017 10:17 AM  

It's a joke, obviously,

Is it really obvious?

Like The Onion, the Babylon Bee is having a hard time distinguishing its satire from the actual news produced by life in our bizarro world.

Blogger Rabbi B January 06, 2017 10:17 AM  

Whatever it is that they are teaching, it isn't from the Bible and it isn't compatible with Christianity.

It is not incompatible with Christianity, it is today's Christianity.

Anonymous BBGKB January 06, 2017 10:28 AM  

This is a poor joke as every MCC lesbian pastor is the same way.

The muslims might be right about 72 virgins after blowing themselves up. Trigglypuff

Trigglypuff has had more black boyfriends than MILO.

Blogger Nate January 06, 2017 10:58 AM  

"Like The Onion, the Babylon Bee is having a hard time distinguishing its satire from the actual news produced by life in our bizarro world."

The Bee is amazing.

Blogger Hazim January 06, 2017 11:23 AM  

Dan, religious trappings and traditions of men are your snare. The Spirit is with us, now that we are freed from captivity.

Anonymous Hezekiah Garrett January 06, 2017 11:41 AM  

Ooh goodie! We've vanquished the Left entirely!!!

I mean, we must have if we're gonna go back to fighting the Wars of Religion!

Anonymous Dan January 06, 2017 12:00 PM  

32. Hazim
You can see the value of different religions by what you reap from them. Nazis & fascists gave us shame, the Iron Guard gave us saints.
Also " spirit is with us, now that we are freed from captivity." is another way of saying God is dead , it is time for us to define christianity however we like. That's how we got in the mess that we are today. You use your rationality to interpret the Bible without any true initiation. Christ's teachings indeed say that you are responsable for your your own salvation, but on a societal level you need something rigid to keep the demographics up and to produce christian initiates that will use their holy gifts to make sure that weak people don't fall into the liberal pits or God knows what other stupid shit will the ideologues come up with

Blogger Matamoros January 06, 2017 12:17 PM  

12. Dan I believe orthodox christianiy is the only Church that follows archaic traditions and the only one in which its priests are connected to God through the Holy Ghost.

Believe what you want, but you should study some Church history if you want the truth. Your statement is not true in the slightest except them being fossilized.

Blogger Hazim January 06, 2017 12:39 PM  

Gamma Dan pulls the classic, "so what it sounds like you're saying".
Cull the herd.

Anonymous Sam the Man January 06, 2017 12:44 PM  

As an outsider looking in I find the orthodox/catholic debate kind of interesting. I assume eastern orthodox is Greek or Ukrainian or Russian orthodox (or all three)?

I was under the impression Christians each had to make a choice regarding accepting JC as the promised messiah, and if they did so they were confirmed, kind of like the Bar Mitzvah. Is that correct? I ask as Dan is stating part of the churches activities are to protect those lacking in faith from falling away, but if the essence of faith is an individual choice, how does that work exactly?

I was also under the impression Christians think all believers have access to the Holy Ghost. Is that correct or do different sect have different ideas on how one does or does not access the Holy Ghost?

Just so it is clear, it is my understanding that the Holy Ghost as defined by most Christians to be that aspect of the Father which believers can access or communicate with, if they believe in JC (not sure if the last is required or not).

Lastly exactly why or why not are certain archaic traditions required? Is the essence of this the sacraments? I thought he orthodox and Catholics had the same number, it was the Protestants who had a fewer of them?

Thanks in advance for any who might reply

Anonymous Anonymous January 06, 2017 12:54 PM  

This is brilliant!

Anonymous Anonymous January 06, 2017 1:06 PM  

It is NOT about the Jesus

Blogger S1AL January 06, 2017 1:21 PM  

@Sam the Man -

Those questions are honestly a bit big for a blog post. Entire books have been written on the issue.

Actual doctrinal differences between the three major branches (Roman Catholic, Orthodox, and Protestant) are fairly minor and mostly revolve around the role of the Roman Papacy, the exact nature of the Lord's Supper, and the relative weight of Scripture and Holy Tradition. To a lesser extent, there is disagreement on the other sacraments. Theological differences are functionally nonexistent (meaning nature of God).

The Holy Spirit is a person of the Trinity, co-equal with the Father and Son in divine nature and substance, but subservient in role within the Trinity, present to humans as an un-consuming, ever-burning flame.

The teaching on the Holy Spirit is that it is now the Spirit who is present with man (promised by Jesus as "another just like me"). Doctrine on the activity of the Spirit varies by a large margin across the various denominations and is too complex for this space.

As regards biblical teaching on salvation, all major denominations are in agreement that justification is by faith which produces works, and that mere belief is not sufficient to be called faith. This is drawn from Jesus' statements in the Gospels and Revelation.

Anonymous Dan January 06, 2017 1:26 PM  


My posts were related to the protestants. I have no qualms with the catholios, with the exception of this Pope and his self-destructive direction in which he decided to take the Church. Popes can be subverted. Orthodox christians have many patriarchs making it harder for the globalists to control us. Also, catholic priest(biological dead-ends) are celibates while orthodox priests have 3 or more kids.
You need to be baptised to become a christian.
The Holy Ghost is actually a Holy Light that descends during Sunday Sermons. From my understanding that doesn't happen in these newly formed churches. Also, orthodox christianity is filled with martyrs and holy warriors that we could take inspiration from in the future war.

Blogger S1AL January 06, 2017 1:37 PM  

Oh, and the nature of deuterocanonicity is another significant, though generally overstated, point.

Blogger Hazim January 06, 2017 4:05 PM  

See, you schedule the ghost to show up at your building once a week, but you'd better do the right incantations and have the right gew-gaws arranged in the right configuration or he can't find your place. For he is the great one that the Master told us would be sent for us.
You whitewashed tombs full of dead men's bones will never stop trying to shove the Almighty into your gaudy little boxes.
Just shut the fuck up about it.

Blogger Eli January 06, 2017 4:18 PM  

It wouldn't be the same Christian topic here without a Protestant/Catholic/Orthodox fight. Just reading the comments it seems that people are talking past each other.

Blogger Hazim January 06, 2017 4:49 PM  

It seems...
Gamma infestation.

Blogger Pteronarcyd January 06, 2017 5:59 PM  

It seems to me that for a religion to be valid and conform with natural law it must teach the reality that there is something greater than the indicidual. Preaching pseudoscientific, me-first psychobabble is a good sign that religion is not being addressed.

Blogger Snidely Whiplash January 06, 2017 10:26 PM  

With 20K or more Protestant sects, how can you possibly claim that interpreting scripture is strightforward?
Expecting the Holy Spirt to descend on His congregation, as promised by Christ hiself, is presumptuous, but expecting Him to descend on each and every single believer in the mere act of reading scripture, as is promised exactly nowhere in scripture, is not?

You are not thinking clearly

@ Dan,
Your knowledge of the other branches of the Church is deficient. You would do better to learn before commenting on them.

You were banned. Stop being a faggot and go away.

Blogger theFirstMonkey January 06, 2017 11:07 PM  

My God is a Warrior-Priest and His Son is Our Caesar/Khan/Czar/Kaiser: The Spiritual General of Our Gathering Horde. Together with we lowly beasts form The Trinity of Man.

Blogger Snidely Whiplash January 07, 2017 4:09 AM  

Run, Red, run, cause he's got your gun and he's aimin it at yo haid"

Blogger Hazim January 07, 2017 6:55 PM  

"Protestant" is your word, not mine. I'm a Jesus freak and you all are religious freaks.
Your thinking is muddied by by the resin of incense and your sight is impaired by the glare of your gilded icons.

Blogger Snidely Whiplash January 07, 2017 10:35 PM  

Your "thinking" is incoherent at best and full of deliberate lies fed to you by people full of hatred, bitterness and self-righteous Phariseeism.

Blogger Badger Brigadon January 08, 2017 12:26 AM  

bah, two trinitarians arguing over God is like watching two lesbians argue over children.

Blogger Snidely Whiplash January 08, 2017 12:49 AM  

And a unitarian sneering at trinitarians is like Trayvon's girlfriend calling someone retarded.

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