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Friday, January 31, 2020

That would be SO different!

Well, I don't know about you, but I know I'm incredibly excited about the totally new and revolutionary idea of sex-swapping Willie Wonka. Then again, Willie Wonka as a woman would almost certainly be an improvement from the obvious pedophile he was in the last two films:
Willy Wonka could reportedly return to screens as a woman in a new prequel film.

Bosses at Warner Bros. are allegedly considering taking on a female actress to play the role of the iconic chocolatier, after two previous adaptations starred Johnny Depp and Gene Wilder.

It's also been reported that after Warner Bros. acquired the rights to the character from the Dahl estate in 2016, they are in the process of putting together a production team for the film.
I'm most curious about what they will call her. Vaggie Vonka? Baba Yanka?

Labels: ,

96 Comments:

Blogger Salt January 31, 2020 8:15 AM  

Willie's Wonka

Blogger LZ January 31, 2020 8:15 AM  

Feminists will be pissed when she comes off as a villain. I'd go with Cate Blanchett.

Blogger Daniel January 31, 2020 8:16 AM  

Well, her willie is wonky.

Blogger JACIII January 31, 2020 8:19 AM  

Vaggie Vonka?

That's bad. That's really bad.

Blogger Silent Draco January 31, 2020 8:22 AM  

The factory will produce nothing but veggies and tasteless, unhealthy 'health snacks' under the gaze of Miss Trunchbull.

A horror story

Blogger L'Aristokrato January 31, 2020 8:23 AM  

It worked for Ghostbusters and Terminator.

Blogger Azimus January 31, 2020 8:34 AM  

Lets trash the whole thing! Looking forward to "Michael Poppins" played by Benedict Cumberbatch as a high functioning sociopath.

Well they gave BoJo England's PM role and soon Charles will get the Queen gig, so turn-about is fair play and the bizarre Willy Wonka story is a small price to play...

Blogger Glaivester January 31, 2020 8:48 AM  

"Then again, Willie Wonka as a woman would almost certainly be an improvement from the obvious pedophile he was in the last two films:"

Not necessarily. There is no reason to believe that female Willie Wonka won't also be an obvious pedophile.

Blogger basementhomebrewer January 31, 2020 8:52 AM  

I am pretty sure something got mistranslated in the leak. It's going to be a trans woman named "Willy Man"

Blogger artensoll January 31, 2020 8:57 AM  

*fingers in ears* la la la laaa!

I can't hear you!

Blogger maniacprovost January 31, 2020 9:03 AM  

Let's engage in a flight of fantasy... If they were trying to make this work, is there really a female counterpart to Gene Wilder and Johnny Depp?

Zoey Deschanel is perhaps the closestz but maybe Lady Gaga. Or go the other direction and hire Lena Dunham.

Blogger Haus frau January 31, 2020 9:14 AM  

Then again, Willie Wonka as a woman would almost certainly be an improvement from the obvious pedophile he was in the last two films:"

They'll make wonka a witch who lives on the blood of children.

Blogger Jay Will January 31, 2020 9:18 AM  

A guy named "Willie Wonka" who loves kids, red flags don't get much bigger. That thing where you get kids to say sex words by making minor alterations to words. Imagine thinking that Dahl didn't know exactly what he was doing.

I watched another veiled production over Christmas. The Snowman. Like the recent ET tv advert, the little boy is taken away to a forest. He is initially very fearful of this. Grooming requires getting kids through those natural fears. Its not obvious enough to be definitely pedo but the themes are always the same. Get the kid away from his parents.

The 2030 version of The Snowman. Boy has row off mother so runs off with the weirdo snowman. Dad comes home from chopping logs (no dad in original) to discover boy has disappeared. Finds son in forest with the weirdo snowmen, slaughters the lot of them to Ride of the Valkyries. Go home for Christmas dinner. End credits.

Wonka gets drowned in the chocolate river by the dwarf gimps who are sick of him diddling kids.

Blogger Glen Sprigg January 31, 2020 9:18 AM  

Well, there's another movie to put on my list of 'no way in hell am I watching this crap'. Along with everything else coming out of Pedowood and its affiliates.

Blogger Chiva January 31, 2020 9:20 AM  

I believe this an excellent role for Michelle O.

Blogger binks webelf January 31, 2020 9:21 AM  

The crimes the kids get punished for will all have to be woke: mansplaining, misgendering, sins against Alphabet People, not liking female woke movies more than any other movie, Orange Man Bad, tranny & kid-perving good. It's a whole new world of re-writing all the things! #FreeBoostForRebelsRun

Blogger Stilicho January 31, 2020 9:23 AM  

"I'm most curious about what they will call her. Vaggie Vonka?"

Paula Poundstone

Blogger Nostromo January 31, 2020 9:29 AM  

Paula Poundstone?

Blogger Balkan Yankee January 31, 2020 9:29 AM  

Happy Brexit!

Blogger dc.sunsets January 31, 2020 9:39 AM  

Acclimating boys to faggot-grooming was movies 1 and 2, but the adult gals (straight and lez) want a shot at the teens and preteens, too.

Equality, baby.

(Didn't (((Bill Maher))) make a joke out of crazy-b**ch adult seduction of adolescent boys by claiming he'd have been happy had some batguano-crazy woman, too broken/psychotic to form a relationship with an adult male, manipulated him by his p**-p**?)

Blogger Jeff aka Orville January 31, 2020 9:41 AM  

Why stop there? Just make a drag version called Willy Wanker. Ophrah and Rosie O'Donnell would make good Ompah Lompahs.

Blogger Johnny January 31, 2020 9:42 AM  

The whole Willie Wonka thing has always struck me as kind of weird, mainly a man who acts kind of like a women. A woman pretending to be a man doesn't seem like it would work, but maybe a man who pretends to be a women? That is, even more than they already do.

And that whole chocolate thing is so weird, so grandma asking the dumpling fat little grandson, "Would you like a cookie?" Paradise is what, an abundance of a mildly narcotic product that is heavily laced with fat and sugar?

Blogger Barbarossa January 31, 2020 9:45 AM  

@5 ...tasteless, unhealthy 'health snacks'

Ha ha. At my daughter's school, they rolled out some afterschool girls' fun group where they did various things like hikes when the weather was good or crafts indoors when the weather was bad. Alas, the program died after one semester. The mom running the program felt compelled to bring "healthy" snacks and eventually the kids revolted and stopped showing up. Curious, I had my daughter bring one home. It was not only tasteless but also looked like a black bear had taken a dump in a Tupperware container. Guess you can't get any more natural than that, huh?

Blogger The Cooler January 31, 2020 9:53 AM  

Vox got into the Amarone a bit early today. Happens to the best of us.

Blogger Karen took the Kids January 31, 2020 9:56 AM  

Silly me. I thought race and sex were social constructs. Haven't updated my woke firmware in a while.

Billie Eilish should be the actor(ess/xir). Only an obvious abuse victim will do the narrative swap justice.

Blogger Randomatos January 31, 2020 10:00 AM  

They could just go for resting witch face and use Brie Larson...

Blogger Calvin809 January 31, 2020 10:05 AM  

Why not go really woke and have Whoopie Goldberg in the role.

Blogger Timmy3 January 31, 2020 10:06 AM  

Don’t they understand their propaganda? Identity Politics means no man can relate so men won’t watch the female Willy Wonka. Then they’ll cry men are man babies because they hate women and won’t watch it. Despicable. I’m pretty sure Little Women doesn’t mean female Oompa
Loompa.

Blogger MagnusStout January 31, 2020 10:08 AM  

Hollywood plumbs the depths of D.I.E. (Diversity, Inclusion & Equality) by “rebooting” popular movies:

1. White to Black & Brown (but no Asians, b/c they are a successful minority);
2. Male roles to females; and
3. Normal people to “trans” people.

I am sure that the new political correct “art” and cinema will be every bit as good and memorable as politically-enforced Soviet-realism was...

Blogger ar10308 January 31, 2020 10:10 AM  

Then they could have Tim Burton direct and he can cast Helena Bonham Carter like he does in everything and she can be weird, manic and screechy like she is in everything. So what if she played Mrs Buckett in the 2005 version...

Blogger Cataline Sergius January 31, 2020 10:12 AM  

Can not wait to see what they do with the new, diverse and intersectionally representative Oompa Loompas.

Blogger urthshu January 31, 2020 10:17 AM  

Wilhelmina Wonkavich. It'll give The Night Porter a run for it's money.

Blogger TheMaleRei January 31, 2020 10:34 AM  

I wouldn't call Willy Wonka a franchise, but we can add it to pile of things that are, if not ruined, but certainly have a tumorous chapter thanks to SJW infiltration.

Is there anything SJW's *cannot* ruin?

Blogger Warunicorn January 31, 2020 10:36 AM  

Wait, if this a prequel, what would be the story? That whoever owns the factory holds the name, "Willy Wonka?"

If that's true, it'd be dumb.

Blogger The Course of Empire January 31, 2020 10:44 AM  

I'm offended Wonka won't be a black, male to female transgender drag queen!

Blogger JACIII January 31, 2020 10:57 AM  

artensoll wrote:*fingers in ears* la la la laaa!

I can't hear you!


This is the most enlightened comment in the entire thread. And it ain't even close.

Blogger Ahuehuete January 31, 2020 10:59 AM  

Hollyweird is Hell bent on making movies no one wants to see.

Blogger Andrew F January 31, 2020 11:03 AM  

Perhaps Badonka Donka so that a minority female could be cast.

Blogger CM January 31, 2020 11:05 AM  

Then again, Willie Wonka as a woman would almost certainly be an improvement from the obvious pedophile he was in the last two films:

Well that justifies the creep factor I got from the movies. I liked the 2nd better just because of certain consistencies that weren't in the first and the misfit back story.

But gene and Johnny were both creeptastic. Burton comes across as a creep, too.

Was Wonka that creepy in the Dahl book, too?

Blogger horsewithnonick January 31, 2020 11:07 AM  

Hela Wonka might be entertaining.

Blogger Stilicho January 31, 2020 11:11 AM  

Wonka's Willy, a heartwarming tale of a transperson's discovery of xir true sexual identity and trials and tribulations of xir transormation into xir true identity despite harassment from transist oompa-loompa oppressors and the refusal of golden ticket winners to attend sleepovers at xir pizza factory.

Blogger Angela January 31, 2020 11:11 AM  

So stunning and brave.

Blogger Crew January 31, 2020 11:16 AM  

I for one will not be happy util we have a chocolate colored Willie Wonka!

Also, must be a lesbian!

Blogger Dave January 31, 2020 11:19 AM  

Cancel Hollywood.

Willy Wonka prequel? They really have run out of ideas haven't they?

Blogger David The Good January 31, 2020 11:26 AM  

Dahl was pervy already. His books are messed up.

Blogger Grey Carter January 31, 2020 11:39 AM  

Veggie Wonka and the Beyond Meat Factory

Blogger Boaty Bear January 31, 2020 11:43 AM  

45 comments and no one sees Meghan Markle's next role?

Blogger Balam January 31, 2020 11:54 AM  

binks webelf wrote:The crimes the kids get punished for will all have to be woke: mansplaining, misgendering, sins against Alphabet People, not liking female woke movies more than any other movie, Orange Man Bad, tranny & kid-perving good. It's a whole new world of re-writing all the things! #FreeBoostForRebelsRun

Prediction time!
-Incel who gets shot with a candy gun by a woman
-Trump voter who steals 2 scoops of icecream, when you're only supposed to have 1, and inflates into a giant orange
-Main (((character)))

Blogger furor kek tonicus ( no need to be racist, Ratchets can Karen better than anybody ) January 31, 2020 12:00 PM  

speaking of movies, Jumanji has now outgrossed Plan 9 for three consecutive weeks.

Plan 9 is also grossing neck and neck with Little Women now.

and Birds of Prey is tracking to open the worst of any DCEU movie ever.

Blogger Sam January 31, 2020 12:05 PM  

@39
The Willy Wonka sequel involved accidental deaging, reaging, flying into space in a glass elevator and battling aliens.

I think it is less creepy and more crazy.

Blogger Avalanche January 31, 2020 12:07 PM  

@8 "Looking forward to "Michael Poppins" played by Benedict Cumberbatch as a high functioning sociopath."

That might, at least, be actually funny and entertaining... Maybe get Steven Moffat and very talented flamer Mark Gatiss to write? Gatiss specializes in horror .... hence the probably last season of Sherlock?

Blogger Doktor Jeep January 31, 2020 12:10 PM  

Will Peter Pan ever be played by a real boy?

Blogger Avalanche January 31, 2020 12:11 PM  

@21 "Ophrah and Rosie O'Donnell would make good Ompah Lompahs."


Hmmm, except didn't the Ompah Lompahs actually do work? All those two .... things ... do it talk and whine! And support and protect diddlers...

Blogger Avalanche January 31, 2020 12:13 PM  

@27 "Whoopie Goldberg in the role."

And there we are, back at horror films!

Blogger Careless Whisper January 31, 2020 12:21 PM  

Shaky ground, Warner Bros.... The Wilder movie was a notorious bomb on its initial release, its image rehabilitated only by decades of rerunning on tv and memes. Out of curiosity I just looked up the Burton one to see whether or not it turned a profit; apparently so, $150 mil spent on the thing, $475 earned, roughly half domestic half international. That doesn't seem to me like the mark of a juggernaut brand so much as a testament to how popular the Burton/Depp combo was at its peak. Buyer beware, Warners!
Oh well, I'm sure casting a woman to play this very Dr Whoey lead character will at least guarantee them as much success as the BBC has these days over at Dr Who!

Blogger Roman Daoist January 31, 2020 12:27 PM  

I'd prefer a film adaptation of (my hero) My Uncle Oswald. Or of one of the stories from Swtich Bitch. Good times.

Re re re doing Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is bullshit.

I demand the Sudanese Blister Beetle get some recognition!!

Blogger Careless Whisper January 31, 2020 12:31 PM  

I was a huge fan of Roald Dahl when I was a kid but in retrospect, those stories were gamma bait. Always little smart asses giving their family and teachers witty comeuppances. Argh, now I'm troubled.

Stumbled across this little gem in the Wikipedia notes about the Burton film:
"Liccy also showed Burton the original handwritten manuscripts, which Burton discovered were more politically incorrect than the published book. The manuscripts included a child named Herpes, after the sexually transmitted disease.[18]"

Nothing to see here!

Blogger Wazdakka January 31, 2020 12:35 PM  

Woke Wanda

Blogger Beans January 31, 2020 12:43 PM  

Dahl was writing much in the vein of old-school fairy tales. Cautionary moral tales where bad behavior got punished rather badly, rather than the pat on the head of Seuss's works (seriously, Cat in Hat was just downright stoner creepy to me.)

And what makes you think that a female Wonka won't be as 'pervy' or worse than the two male Wonkas? If there's one thing about the internet, it's the access to all the Women who Rape children and then mostly get away with it (little to no jail/prison time, not having to register as a sex offender, everyone high-fiving each other as having pervy woman sex-molest boys or girls is fantastic or something.)

A female Wonka will do to Wonka what female Ghostbusters or female Dr. Who or female Jedi have done to those films.

What next? "Bat Hur"? "Napoleonette and Josephine"? All female "1776"? "Matton"? (female Patton.)

Just stop with all the social justice ruining of everything. I don't want a remake of "Splash" with a male mermaid and a female Tom Hanks. Just... stop.

And stop Disneyfying everything (Names are the same, but the plot has been changed to protect the innocent.)

Blogger Oswald January 31, 2020 12:46 PM  

You guys are ruining my childhood.

Blogger Sillon January 31, 2020 12:55 PM  

At the end of the movie Wilma Wonka will change her name to Wilma Skywalker.

Blogger JWM January 31, 2020 1:06 PM  

Dollars to donuts some obnoxious white kid gets turned into chocolate.

JWM

Blogger Stilicho January 31, 2020 1:07 PM  

Dahl and dr. Seuss both set off pedo alarms.

Blogger Balkan Yankee January 31, 2020 1:11 PM  

@58: Close. How 'bout Woke Wanda and the Social Justice Factory?

Blogger Apathy Is Death January 31, 2020 1:15 PM  

Essie-Jay Dubyuh and the Correction Factory.

Blogger artensoll January 31, 2020 1:19 PM  

@60 "You guys are ruining my childhood."

I know right?

You can have space, you can have dinosaurs, you can even have the globe but for the love of Pete let me keep 'Danny the Champion of the World'.

Blogger Storm Rhode January 31, 2020 1:26 PM  

These sjw remakes are fun to ridicule. Then the actors fuss about the bigoted audience with their impotent rage she tears. Nobody is having more fun than us.

Blogger maniacprovost January 31, 2020 1:30 PM  

whoever owns the factory holds the name, "Willy Wonka?"

The REAL Willy Wonka has been retired 15 years and living like a king in Patagonia.

I'd pay to see that! Assuming of course that the leftist pedophiles running Hollywood keep the leftism and pedophiliac propaganda to a subliminal level.

Forget my earlier comment (as you surely have): I think the only acceptable actor for the role of Dread Willy Wonka is a digitally reanimated Danny Kaye.

They should also tie in the Dahliverse to the X-Men / MCU continuity.

Though I do question how whimsical a story about a candy factory can be, set presumably during the early Great War.

Blogger Elijah January 31, 2020 1:37 PM  

they should cast oprah! she made a wrinkle in time a real hit!

her new willie wonka name should be wilhemina analingus

Blogger VFM #7634 January 31, 2020 1:42 PM  

I associate female Willie with the bimbo in Indiana Jones and the Tempo of Doom...

Blogger CM January 31, 2020 1:42 PM  

speaking of movies, Jumanji has now outgrossed Plan 9 for three consecutive weeks.

Plan 9 is also grossing neck and neck with Little Women now.

and Birds of Prey is tracking to open the worst of any DCEU movie ever.


Anyone hear about TLW? It's a favorite (with its sequels) as is the author. I don't expect modernity to do Jo any favors, let alone Amy & Meg.

Blogger Sean January 31, 2020 1:43 PM  

I had the thought that these gender swapping movies are basically the same as Disney just remaking their animated features as live action. It's less a symbol of female empowerment but an admission that they are all creatively bankrupt.

Blogger Storm Rhode January 31, 2020 2:01 PM  

Michelle Obama should be Wonka and the factory could make veggie straws and impossible Whoppers.

Blogger Geir Balderson January 31, 2020 2:14 PM  

To complete this tasty confection Villie must be dark chocolate brown. It would add an extra bit of goodness to the mix. Then of course we can get the Harlem Globetrotters to portray the Oompa Loopas. How is that for exceeding the sjw expectations? What else can they do to ruin a good childhood film?

Blogger Azimus January 31, 2020 2:20 PM  

I have a question - can these feminist boobies not see that all these "Equality Now!" re-writes are giving them sloppy seconds for creativity, and by refusing to forge any original female leads or stories, they are intentionally and perpetually standing in the shadows of the men with who they desire parity with?

Does anyone think the current Dr Who, or Captain Marvel, will be anything but a asterisk in the annals of either of those stories? Or Willy Wonka?

Blogger The Course of Empire January 31, 2020 2:22 PM  

Not sure about the book, but Dahl was a pretty creepy and generally nasty character.

Blogger Kiwi January 31, 2020 2:28 PM  

As a kid I loved reading the Dahl books, but not so for the Character of WW as portrayed in the chocolate factory movie. Creepy dude, not as I had imagined.

Blogger Kiwi January 31, 2020 2:39 PM  

66. artensoll

That had to be one of my favourite books as a child, read it many times.

Recently, I was on a property where they had a problem with wild peacocks raiding the vege garden. They told me people were coming to get them from the trees at night. I wondered if they were going to use raisins.

Blogger OvergrownHobbit January 31, 2020 4:01 PM  

@22 And that whole chocolate thing is so weird, so grandma asking the dumpling fat little grandson, "Would you like a cookie?" Paradise is what, an abundance of a mildly narcotic product that is heavily laced with fat and sugar?

War rationing of sugar. One regular-size Hershey Bar has a day's ration of sugar for the whole family in the U.S. Rationing was tighter and lasted longer in England

http://news.bbc.co.uk/onthisday/hi/dates/stories/february/5/newsid_2737000/2737731.stm

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was published in 1967 for Americans first.

Also Mr. Dahl was of the generation that grew up with Strubelpater and Hillaire Belloc's Bad Child's Book of Beasts. Remember Little Willy rhymes? A lot less cotton wool, then

@51.
Since the Real Mary Poppins was a dangerous, slightly scary and utterly respectable pagan goddess,a film-maker who decided to mine the original stories respectfully could do very well. Especially if he gave the pagan crew the Narnia filter.

Just in case there were any film makers looking for story properties. 2029 U.S. Not sure about England.

Blogger artensoll January 31, 2020 4:27 PM  

@78 "That had to be one of my favourite books as a child, read it many times."

Me too. I recently read it to my midget who loved it too. It was like sharing a delicious secret.

Blogger Starboard January 31, 2020 4:58 PM  

"Danny the Champion of the World" is an outlier in that Danny lives with his father in harmony. Most children's books deal in orphans and horrible parents, ostensibly so the children can have adventures that good parents would squash. I grew up with crazy boomer parents, so the feeling of danger in most stories felt normal. Most of the creep factor flew right over my head as a child.

Blogger Akulkis January 31, 2020 4:58 PM  

The only thing worse than contrived sequels created only to milk an idea to the last, overly-watered-down drop, is prequels.

Blogger Ska_Boss January 31, 2020 5:06 PM  

Get woke status: confirmed
Go broke status: pending...

Blogger Robert Browning January 31, 2020 5:12 PM  

A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.

Blogger Crew January 31, 2020 5:39 PM  

Wait. It's a prequel, so look on the bright side. It means you have to be a man to be truly successful!

Blogger bodenlose Schweinerei January 31, 2020 6:25 PM  

Willie Wonka as a woman would almost certainly be an improvement from the obvious pedophile he was in the last two films

Women can just as easily be pedos.

Blogger JovianStorm January 31, 2020 6:34 PM  

They could just shovel that money into a fire and at least it would provide heat.

Blogger lynnjynh9315 January 31, 2020 8:33 PM  

Baba Yanka. Love it.

Blogger Matt January 31, 2020 8:43 PM  

Tilda Swinton, maybe.

Blogger furor kek tonicus ( no need to be racist, Ratchets can Karen better than anybody ) January 31, 2020 10:14 PM  

75. Azimus January 31, 2020 2:20 PM
can these feminist boobies not see that all these "Equality Now!" re-writes are giving them sloppy seconds for creativity, and by refusing to forge any original female leads or stories, they are intentionally and perpetually standing in the shadows of the men with who they desire parity with?



you are asking the entirely wrong question.

the question is NOT whether or not women can be original or creative.

the question is whether or not they can force society to permit them to shit on valuable things.

it's a social dominance play.

Blogger Newscaper312 January 31, 2020 10:59 PM  

@72, @75
Its part lack of creativity, part virtue signaling, AND in quite a few quarters a genuinely malicious desire to subvert and destroy.

Blogger bodenlose Schweinerei February 01, 2020 3:24 AM  

@75- "can these feminist boobies not see that all these "Equality Now!" re-writes are giving them sloppy seconds for creativity"

They're shit tests. The primary motivation is to see if they can irritate you. If it works, they get a little visceral thrill and a fleeting feeling of power, until they need to shit test again.

@87 - "They could just shovel that money into a fire and at least it would provide heat."

That's likely to be all of us sooner rather than later.

Blogger Ominous Cowherd February 01, 2020 2:12 PM  

Jay Will wrote:Wonka gets drowned in the chocolate river by the dwarf gimps who are sick of him diddling kids.
Better yet, Oompa-Loompas turn out to be kidnapped, diddled kids who are slave labor in the candy factory. As Wilhelmina Wonkette goes under the chocolate waves for the last time, the jubilant victims break into a song about sweet revenge and how it makes the chocolate better, not bitter.

An artsy, creative person could pack a lot of badthink into a lego or claymation short film.

Blogger MrNiceguy February 01, 2020 6:44 PM  

Starring Michelle Obama

Blogger Akulkis February 03, 2020 11:10 AM  

That's Michael Obama in the civilized districts of the world.

Blogger Silly but True February 03, 2020 3:00 PM  

They just announced Dr. Who is moving from its girl doctor to a black doctor.

BBC, indeed.

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