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Friday, March 05, 2021

The Devil Mouse killed Star Wars

Now Amazon is murdering The Lord of the Rings. Whatever this is looks like a low-budget, converged version of Eragon. And given the way the corporacy is now targeting actual books for cancelling, eventually there won't be any real epic fantasy left except Arts of Dark and Light.

Latavious of the High Elves
I believe that is Latavious of the Ñoldor, the kindred of High Elves who initially migrated to Valinor from Middle-earth and lived in Eldamar, the coastal region of Aman, a continent that lay west of Middle-earth, but returned to Middle-earth following the murder of their first leader Finwë, in a drive-by shooting believed to have been committed by orcs that belonged to the Crips gang.

UPDATE: Yes, yes, that isn't the actual Amazon Lord of the Rings. It's just a joke based on a converged Netherflix fantasy film. The actual Amazon product will probably look a lot more like this.

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96 Comments:

Blogger Stilicho March 05, 2021 6:27 AM  

Gay. With a side of tranny sauce and Millennial sprinkles on top.

Blogger FUBARwest March 05, 2021 6:33 AM  

How?!?! Who saw this and decided it would be a good thing to release?

Blogger Daniele Grech Pereira March 05, 2021 6:39 AM  

Who is that, D'Aragorn Jones?

Blogger #7139 March 05, 2021 6:41 AM  

Yawn. It just looks sooo boring.

Blogger VFM 17 March 05, 2021 6:41 AM  

I'm going to not watch 'Lord of the Rangz' harder than anything I've ever refused to watch before.

Blogger Eduardo March 05, 2021 6:44 AM  

This is Lord of the Rings???

... Wow.

Blogger Ultrahardcore March 05, 2021 6:46 AM  

It looks fake to me. Like some Ren Fair tier cosplayers got together for a photoshoot and this is what they came up with. I sincerely hope that's the case and that it isn't actually from Amazon but if there's one thing I've learned over the years is that there is no depth to which Hollywood will not sink to ruin a valuable IP.

Blogger Shimshon March 05, 2021 6:46 AM  

Did Amazon option the movie rights to the 1998 classic Nappy Hair by Carolivia Herron? I can't wait! Hopefully the movie will be better than the book.

Blogger Canadian Warlord March 05, 2021 6:47 AM  

Wait wait - where are the blue-haired hambeasts? I feel cheated. I'm going to write some letters.

Blogger Astalnar March 05, 2021 6:54 AM  

This is a picture from Netflix's The Letter for the King based on 1962 Dutch novel De brief voor de Koning by Tonke Dragt. Judging from the film in 2008, the 2020 show is converged. Here's a picture of a film poster from 2008:
https://m.media-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BMTkxMDgxNjExOV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNzQ4NjU3MQ@@._V1_FMjpg_UY723_.jpg

Blogger rognuald March 05, 2021 6:56 AM  

Amazon Prime is black washing the Tom Clancy character John Clark in their adaptation of Without Remorse.

Blogger Kevin March 05, 2021 7:05 AM  

Vox,
Are there any editions of LOTR you recomend before Babylon bans them?

Blogger Lauri Stark March 05, 2021 7:05 AM  

Stunning and brave!

Blogger Stilicho March 05, 2021 7:10 AM  

Yup

Blogger 1st Missouri Cavalry March 05, 2021 7:12 AM  

N

Blogger 1st Missouri Cavalry March 05, 2021 7:12 AM  

Blackwashing our history and culture is a thing.

Blogger Stilicho March 05, 2021 7:13 AM  

Nine Rangz for homeboys, dey so high; seven for dem soibois in der beds alone...

Blogger Azure Amaranthine March 05, 2021 7:15 AM  

Skyrim had better graphics on release.

Blogger Eduardo March 05, 2021 7:16 AM  

Yea this seems to be De Brief Voor De Koning series. If you look for images on the net, you can see pictures of the whole cast.

This is; Good...

Nah let's face it the series will suck, this will probably be gold next to what they will do.

Blogger Silly but True March 05, 2021 7:18 AM  

“And get this Shagrat, we were just three feet away from some stupid kid with his sword sheathed who was still lobbing bolts with his crossbow—...”
“Oh Gorbag, you kill me. No one is that stupid...

Blogger xevious2030 March 05, 2021 7:19 AM  

They want Black Jesus, because they hate all nationalities of whites, even made up Tolkien ones. It gets worse because you breathe. Just waiting for the travels down the pit to get to the point of self loathing Uncle Tranny Black Hitler, and still it goes down.

Blogger wreckage March 05, 2021 7:21 AM  

Middle Earth HAS interesting dark-skinned cultures, so.... let's just go with a dude in medieval drag because we hate fun.

Blogger Alexander March 05, 2021 7:22 AM  

I'm hoping that the worse they get the more people reject the whole thing.. there has to be a point at which they lose all influence because nobody cares about the whole thing anymore.

Blogger Unknown March 05, 2021 7:25 AM  

He is wearing Crips colors.

Blogger Teleport me off this rock March 05, 2021 7:27 AM  

His name used to be Latavious, now it's Muakbar el-Fakhar. That's why they're fighting all those evil Crusaders.

Blogger Mr.MantraMan March 05, 2021 7:28 AM  

I'm not going to give the Left the pleasure of me having the usual conservative's outrage fit, it's their rocket fuel. Plus it allows the skin suit right such as Shapiro a career as voice of reason and it gives our nice white ladycons someone to scold to make them feel moral and part of the larger society, sh*tty society or not.

The race swapping gimmick should be about the easiest ploy to disqualify and swat away, about like a charge of the mean retards armed with nerf bats against Maxim guns. Not like if it was asked of the colored actors or the SJW if they respect the canon or from the culture and people it came from they could answer in the affirmative and once that is exposed their lack of imagination and talent is then open to a constant stream of ridicule. In short don't lose the battles for social dominance.

Blogger George D. March 05, 2021 7:28 AM  

"converged version of Eragon"

as opposed to the diverged version in which a black queen gets to rule the world in the end, and Eragon issues magic regulations using the Master-Word?

Blogger VD March 05, 2021 7:28 AM  

He is wearing Crips colors.

Dude, shhh! Plot twist!

Blogger Black Bird March 05, 2021 7:30 AM  

They want to eliminate good and evil. Star Wars shows an evil government who wants to rule over you and to control your mind. How long until this evil is good and good is totally evil. Just wait. Taking bets anyone

Blogger VD March 05, 2021 7:33 AM  

s opposed to the diverged version in which a black queen gets to rule the world in the end, and Eragon issues magic regulations using the Master-Word?

You don't seriously think I actually read Eragon, much less watched the movie, do you? I have absolutely no idea what actually happened in that tenth-rate ripoff literally written by a child.

Blogger WillBound March 05, 2021 7:33 AM  

I hope I'm not spoiling another plot twist if I say they look as if they are expecting the female Dr Who to descend in her Tardis and save the day.

Blogger Bellomy March 05, 2021 7:38 AM  

If you reverse google the image it comes up as a poster for a Netflix film called "The Letter for the King".

Blogger George D. March 05, 2021 7:40 AM  

"You don't seriously think I actually read Eragon, much less watched the movie, do you? I have absolutely no idea what actually happened in that tenth-rate ripoff literally written by a child."

No, but the reviews of these train wrecks can be hilarious. In Rotfuss' second book Kvothe goes to an actual interdimensional sex dungeon. When you said this book was peak gamma fiction, you had no idea how right you were.

Blogger Doktor Jeep March 05, 2021 7:41 AM  

You don't do this sort of thing without genocide as a long term plan.

Those depictions of Germans pulling awards from Jewish hands and handing them to a German, right on the middle of an award ceremony - something just as proven or myth as battle hardened vets getting spit on by hippies at an airport - were really displays of the kind of thing ((they)) do.
Lying about the whole matter and doing it themselves while claiming they are doing it to prevent others from doing it is the part they fap to.


After the bowties are done hand-wringing and pearl clutching over this, what's the plan?

Blogger Unknown March 05, 2021 7:41 AM  

VD wrote:s opposed to the diverged version in which a black queen gets to rule the world in the end, and Eragon issues magic regulations using the Master-Word?

You don't seriously think I actually read Eragon, much less watched the movie, do you? I have absolutely no idea what actually happened in that tenth-rate ripoff literally written by a child.


I tried to read it, it wasn't really good and not worth the time to read. Sort of like Legend of the Seeker, it could have been good if written well and with characters who were not automatically leveled up to chosen one status.

But the writing is kind of jumbled, and characters just magically level up.

Blogger VFM #7634 March 05, 2021 7:42 AM  

Eol in The Silmarillion was "dark", but then again, Eol wasn't a very pleasant fellow. Making him and his Gamma son Maeglin black would hit too close to home, I suspect.

You don't seriously think I actually read Eragon, much less watched the movie, do you? I have absolutely no idea what actually happened in that tenth-rate ripoff literally written by a child.

I once looked at the inset map inside the cover. All the place-names were slightly tweaked versions of real-world or Tolkienian places, with no obvious rhyme or reason, let alone a made-up language. I never bothered to read the book.

One of Eragon's spells, the mind-meld with his dragon, was named for souvlaki. So I guess you could argue it was from Greek.

Blogger CarpeOro March 05, 2021 7:48 AM  

You're all missing the important part - the white chick in Bloods colors is the only one looking directly at him. Obviously his baby momma who is trying to decide if she can forgive him for leaving her with their two kids and using his new gang members to back his claim that they aren't his. But she'd take him back in a second.

Blogger GregMan March 05, 2021 7:49 AM  

In other news, Morgoth will now be called the "White Lord", because "Black Lord" be racisss.

Blogger urthshu March 05, 2021 7:56 AM  

>>Wait wait - where are the blue-haired hambeasts

That's Goldberry.

Blogger urthshu March 05, 2021 7:59 AM  

I'm almost betting the middle aged looking elf lady in red is Galadriel, giving a Boomeresque piquancy to her speech at her Pool.

Blogger Doc March 05, 2021 8:07 AM  

Return of the Kangz

Blogger Daniel March 05, 2021 8:11 AM  

LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROYYYYYYY mmmmTROLLLLLKIENS!

Blogger Arthur Isaac March 05, 2021 8:12 AM  

That slingshot do look wicked though.

Straight out of "Bored of the Rings".

Blogger Cappuccinobear March 05, 2021 8:16 AM  

That's just some netflix show that's already been out.
Letter to the king I believe.

Blogger Balkan Yankee March 05, 2021 8:18 AM  

Pipe down, boys. It's just the new Gillette commercial. And we all know how well the last one worked out.

Blogger peacefulposter March 05, 2021 8:19 AM  

Amazon Prime is black washing the Tom Clancy character John Clark in their adaptation of Without Remorse.

No! Say it ain't so! John Clark was the best Tom Clancy character by far.

Blogger 351wsl March 05, 2021 8:20 AM  

They're missing a kid in a wheelchair.

Blogger Unknown March 05, 2021 8:25 AM  

Is that a Bavarian Castle in Middle Earth?

Blogger CarpeOro March 05, 2021 8:32 AM  

All tom foolery aside, there were many empires and kingdoms in sub-Saharan Africa. These racists need to stop appropriating my culture and denigrating all of black African history and purloin or fabricate a story from there. Maybe Castalia can find some Mexican authors to do the work that no white or black Americans are willing to do and create some.

Blogger CM March 05, 2021 8:43 AM  

Eragon is not awful for what it is, and was one of those stories used as inspiration for young homeschoolers, the author being homeschooled when he wrote it.

My son, regrettably, has read them 10 times now. I’ll blame that on letting someone borrow our better books during COVID.

I suppose if he has read The Green Knight’s Squire twice now, he may be ready for LOTR.

Blogger #7139 March 05, 2021 8:47 AM  

Hmmm. Lord of Rangs might not be too bad. I could at least cheer for the Nazgul.

Blogger CoffeeGroundsBear March 05, 2021 8:50 AM  

We Wuz RANGZ n sheeiit

Blogger Pedro Rocha March 05, 2021 9:14 AM  

This would be hilarious if it wasn't so sad.

Blogger FacelessBro March 05, 2021 9:17 AM  

What an absolute joke.

Blogger Mr.MantraMan March 05, 2021 9:19 AM  

The Scamazon version might benefit by having a skinny white kid in a flat brimmed hat following along for comic relief. I nominate that dork from MTV's "Ridiculousness."

Blogger Canadian Warlord March 05, 2021 9:21 AM  

There has been occasional years where the bad copies of movies ended up on vhs, before the theatre releases of the uh... 'real thing.' "Troy" had a straight-to-video counterpart with Rufus Sewell as Agamemnon - who actually did sacrifice his daughter for good winds (not in the Wolfgang Peterson movie).

I think there's a gigantic opportunity for satirists here. Someone needs to make a 2 hour movie, spoofing the upcoming garbage. 'Blackface' optional!

Blogger FacelessBro March 05, 2021 9:29 AM  

I thought they said they were going "Game of Thrones". This looks more like Buffy the Vampire Slayer with watermelon flavoring.

Blogger Newscaper312 March 05, 2021 9:37 AM  

Hes not a Sylan Elf from the Wood, but an Urban Elf from the Hood.

These things right themselves.

Blogger Newscaper312 March 05, 2021 9:39 AM  

@49
Re subsaharan kingdoms

None with native writing, the wheel, or steel making.
Kinda boring.

Blogger Reziac March 05, 2021 9:42 AM  

To be fair to Eragon, the author was 15 when he wrote it. I haven't read it (and won't, because I wearied of this sort of tale decades ago), but from a quick skim of the first few pages, it appears overwritten in the way one might expect from a well-read 15 year old aiming to imitate Tolkien (or perhaps Tolkien's previous imitators), but geared to more outright adventure. Those who likewise finished a novel at that age may have room to critique his effort.

As to the new sport of blackwashing, this is an excellent marker for contaminated goods, and I consider myself suitably warned.

Blogger thomasblair March 05, 2021 10:10 AM  

Fromar comin'

Blogger Kevin Pilsner March 05, 2021 10:13 AM  

Who bitch this is?

Blogger Bezzle March 05, 2021 10:41 AM  

I remember everyone being so excited when Bezos "saved" The Expanse.

Blogger Skyler the Weird March 05, 2021 10:57 AM  

Unlike Eragon, The Sword of Truth at least had sexy Dominatrix Mord Sith all dressed in Red Leather. Only Goodkind could make that kind of thing boring. There was also the Star Wars Obi wan never told you..... ripoff.

Blogger Unknown March 05, 2021 11:12 AM  

Omar gonna take that rang out the lil people's hills... Straight into the pawn shop, shiiiiiiiet

Or maybe he'll use it for invisibility to commit mass bike theft all around middle wakanda.

Blogger Joe Smith March 05, 2021 11:24 AM  

Some cuckservative out there somewhere will inevitably say, "I don't care if you make Gandalf gay and black, so long as you stay true to the source material." My money's on Galadriel being cast as Queen Latifah.

Blogger Elder Son March 05, 2021 11:37 AM  

You will be appropriated until there is nothing left of you, your culture is forgotten, and you are irrelevant.

Then they're going to point at you, laugh at you, and kick you as if you were nothing more than a stray mangy dog.

That is the ride, if you choose.

Blogger tdcommenter March 05, 2021 11:39 AM  

@49 That includes appropriating Ancient Egyptian culture & conflating the pharoahs with the Nubians & their relatively brief reign over the Egyptians.

Blogger tdcommenter March 05, 2021 11:42 AM  

The Jack Black skit on the meeting at Rivendell will be more true than this Rape & Ruin makeover. The Amazon execs say that he wanted it to be GoT.

Blogger lord enlil March 05, 2021 12:29 PM  

Latvious looks like a young Kareem abdul Jabar

Blogger John W. Smoke March 05, 2021 12:42 PM  

That second meme was so good I spit out my coffee. Can't do that to me, it's too good.

Blogger Bryce March 05, 2021 1:00 PM  

One ring to bring them all, and in the darkness, rob them.

Blogger Straitsfan March 05, 2021 1:06 PM  

I second that. I laughed out loud when I saw that meme. Tooooo funny.

Blogger Bryce March 05, 2021 1:06 PM  

Sword of truth was Goodkind mixing wheel of time with the truth sword from Terry Brooks' rip off of LOTR, and making everyone's back story be rape.

Blogger J8ke D March 05, 2021 2:33 PM  

Ridiculous, Vox.

Everyone knows orcs belong to the Bloods. And half-orcs belong to Nortenos.

Blogger Silly but True March 05, 2021 3:04 PM  

One of hundreds Google-searched Ebonics translators does a pretty crappy job, but still:

Yo! Three Rahngs for da Elven-kahngs under da sky, oh, baby, Seven for da Dwarf-lords ahn daahr halls of stane, mostly, Nahne for Mortal Men doesomed ta dahe, One for da Dark Lord on hahs dark throne In da La' of Mordoesr where da Shadoesws lahe. What it is, mostly, Mama! Don't make me shank ya! One Rahng ta rule dem all, One Rahng ta fahnd dem, One Rahng ta brahng dem all, a' ahn da darkness bahnd dem, fer shure, In da La' of Mordoesr where da Shadoesws lahe

Blogger Rowan March 05, 2021 3:33 PM  

Lawd o’ de Rangz

Blogger Azure Amaranthine March 05, 2021 3:51 PM  

"I remember everyone being so excited when Bezos "saved" The Expanse."

There was never anything there salvageable, from EP1.

"Sword of truth was Goodkind mixing wheel of time with the truth sword from Terry Brooks' rip off of LOTR, and making everyone's back story be rape."

This description makes sense of the other descriptions I've heard.

Blogger Marc March 05, 2021 3:51 PM  

Wouldn’t expect anything different. Should make it dystopian, too, for all the angsty teens ... oh, they already did.

Blogger MidnightSun March 05, 2021 5:09 PM  

To think all this is done out of envy, jealousy and a deep seated hatred of all things good true and beautiful. They will never know the joy of the moral, spiritual and artistic heights that the teaching of Christianity instills in most of us; their artificial temporary victories are worthless in our eyes and more importantly vile in the eyes of God.

Onward Christian Soldiers!

Blogger White Knight Leo #0368 March 05, 2021 5:27 PM  

I have to say, Return of the Kangz could be a funny parody movie to watch, if done properly. But nothing more than that.

Also, I liked Sword of Truth - but it was pretty clear that Goodkind ran out of steam long before he finally ended the story with a deus ex machina. I can definitely agree with the idea that the story had a lot more rape than Wheel of Time.

Blogger Cobalt Wolf March 05, 2021 5:32 PM  

Joe Smith wrote:Some cuckservative out there somewhere will inevitably say, "I don't care if you make Gandalf gay and black, so long as you stay true to the source material." My money's on Galadriel being cast as Queen Latifah.

Ah, the classical Cuckservative-Higher-Grounder-With-a-Bowtie™ equation:"I don't care if [X], as long as [Y]."

"I don't care if he's Satan himself, as long as he has the qualifications for the job."

When did aspiring for the Good, the Beautiful, and the True stopped being a desirable quality for employers? (Rhetorical question.)

On the matter of Yass Queen Slay Galadriel, I don't think we should rule out Cardi B. or Lizzo.

Blogger Erock Sandstorm March 05, 2021 5:56 PM  

The expresion is "Tranny Fluid".

Blogger VFM #7634 March 05, 2021 6:14 PM  

Lord of the Rangs: the battle for Mittelafrika

In other news, Morgoth will now be called the "White Lord", because "Black Lord" be racisss.

Expect him to resemble a Norse god like Thor, complete with war hammer.

Blogger Andrea Daley Utronebel March 05, 2021 6:20 PM  

They should do a black TRIUMPH OF THE WILL: Triumph of the Chill

Blogger Philipski March 05, 2021 6:22 PM  

Those Mexicans haven’t finished mopping the floor son, so no Nubia stories any time soon... .

Blogger A trite re-white March 05, 2021 6:28 PM  

4 Chan eat your heart out!

Blogger Canada78Bear March 05, 2021 7:09 PM  

They did it already with "The Wiz".

If SJWs cannot create a parody, this tells you where the creativity actually is.

Blogger White Knight Leo #0368 March 05, 2021 7:32 PM  

Canada78Bear wrote:They did it already with "The Wiz".

If SJWs cannot create a parody, this tells you where the creativity actually is.

Well, making a *good* parody of a work of fiction requires that you love the source material already - see The Princess Bride and Hot Fuzz as your examples - and the sort of people we're dealing with are incapable of enjoying... well, anything really. I don't even think they actually enjoy tearing down the works they cannot equal; it's more of a case of misery demanding company.

Blogger Teleport me off this rock March 05, 2021 8:41 PM  

My money's on Galadriel being cast as Queen Latifah
I don't think we should rule out Cardi B. or Lizzo


It's cute that you think even those marginally female people will get to play the most FAB-U-LOUS queen evah! It's likely you won't even have to look too closely to spot the penis.

Blogger Silly but True March 05, 2021 9:04 PM  

Supercuck: https://www.cbr.com/justice-league-sequels-batman-lois-child/amp/

In plans for Justice League 2 & 3, Zack Snyder was literally going to cuck Superman as raising his wife’s child.

Blogger Sweet One March 05, 2021 10:03 PM  

The latest His Dark Materials has been converged. But I'm sure Philip Pullman doesn't mind.

Blogger Bryce March 05, 2021 11:27 PM  

It would be funny if it weren't so true.

Blogger Ozymandius March 06, 2021 1:05 AM  

One rang to rule dem ho's!

All dat glitters ain't bling!

I can't be carrying that shit fo you, but I can carry yo big ass to da mountain!

Lembas?! Get me a 40 and some hot cheetos ma nizzle!

Blogger Tinig ng Kampeon March 06, 2021 2:13 AM  

Kevin Hart should be Frodo... for obvious reasons.

Blogger Shane Bradman March 06, 2021 3:18 AM  

This is a bold new strategy of Amazon to burn up their profits because they make too much money.

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